I'm alive!! I know, I know, this has taken forever, but I had a really hard time writing this. In fact this is my fourth attempt at this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it. If you don't, well that's alright. This is the unedited version, so please ignore any typos you find in it, I'll edit it eventually.
This is based on the song "Beatiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. I don't own the characters or the song, and I am making no profit from it.
This is dedicated to all my wonderful reviewers who encouraged me to update and have given me such a positive response to this story since I didn't know if I should write it in the first place.
She watched him silently as he hunched over his desk, scribbling furiously over some papers. The afternoon sun lit the room, throwing the occupant into stark relief, his every detail outlined in golden light, giving him an angelic halo. However, his choice of attire and looks seemed to possess a darkness of their own, lending him a look of a dark angel. His black hair was tousled from his fingers combing it constantly, his shirt and pants unaccountably wrinkled as if he had been fighting in his suit, the jacket of which was thrown over the couch that sat against one wall, the black leather matching the cherry wood of the office perfectly. His coffee cup sat half empty, long forgotten in his obsession with work. The latest crimes he was working were piled all over his desk, overlapping his responsibilities at Wayne Enterprises, where he was being groomed to be upper management under Bruce. He had been distant lately; although she had no knowledge of the particulars, she knew it had something to do with a late night phone call. He was wrapped up in his work, either at the office or out on patrol. It seemed the only time she saw him lately was when he finally gave into his body's demands and slept. Even his sleep didn't seem to be restful; as he often fought demons in his sleep, calling out to someone never named, although she suspected it wasn't herself he was calling for.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right
He straightened abruptly, spinning in his chair to pin her with his gaze. The look was almost impersonal, as if he didn't even recognize her, and for a brief moment, he probably didn't as he drowned in the information swirling through his mind, making links in the information, connecting clues and searching for answers. Then his gaze cleared, and she could almost see the mask come over his eyes as he pretended that he was happy to see her. He smiled at her, gesturing with one hand for her to join him, as a look of feigned warmth settled in his eyes, blocking out the guilt, confusion and sadness that seemed to fill them these days.
"Kori, I didn't hear you come in. How are you doing? How was your shopping?" His voice held warmth, but no love, not like it once had. He paused as he realized that she wasn't coming closer, was in fact seemingly hugging the doorframe, and with a slight frown, he rose to his feet, moving toward her with a measured step. "Kori? What's wrong?"
She watched as he moved closer, once again reminded of how graceful he was, his body toned and fit beyond most humans she knew. His walk was predatory, and sleek, no energy wasted. His footsteps made no sound on the hardwood floor, his feet bare, odd considering the time of day. She sighed as he reached out to touch her cheek gently, tilting her head up to search her eyes.
"Richard, we need to talk." Her statement was made softly, more a whisper than anything else. She felt his hand freeze on her cheek, before it dropped to his side.
"Alright, let's go to the living room." She let him turn her, and lead her into the comfortable living room of their penthouse apartment, trying to hold back the fear of their discussion, to hold back the damning words, and trying to remember that this man loved her, and that was all that she needed. Although she doubted that now…and had since the beginning, if she was honest with herself.
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He led her to the couch, sitting beside her and gently holding her hand. His concern for her was obvious, but right now she couldn't stand his kindness, not when this discussion could mean the end of their relationship. She gently pulled her hand away, and turned so that she was facing him, with one leg propped up on the couch between them, an added a barrier for her peace of mind. She fidgeted with the cuff of her pants, staring at what her fingers were doing rather than meeting his dark gaze, although she could feel him watching her. She caught his movement from the corner of her eye as his hand lifted towards her, then froze in mid-gesture before falling back to his lap.
His chest rose and fell in a deep sigh, but he refrained from saying anything, awaiting the words that had been building for four long months, since the night of Raven's phone call, the night that changed everything in his life, his outlook, his perceptions, his belief in love and in himself. He watching his girlfriend of two years sitting beside him, her face in profile, her hair tied back in a ponytail, which helped to make her features look younger, although that was something Kori would never have to worry about. She looked like a model, and the only changes she had undergone since arriving on earth was a new maturity to her look, a deep knowledge in her eyes that made her look timeless instead of just beautiful. He felt his blood thrumming softly through his system in an appreciation of her beauty, but it seemed to lack the racing that accompanied Raven's picture, the heavy spread of desire that swirled through him from just gazing a her smile and fathomless eyes. His guilt returned tenfold, and he shifted in his seat, which brought Kori's head up, her eyes meeting his, the look in them blank, as she hid her feelings from him, something she had become far too good at.
"Richard…" She paused, unsure of how to continue, or even what to say. Did she want to accuse him of being unfaithful? She knew that Richard would never do that to her, he respected her far too much for that, cared about her too much to be untrue. But whether or not he had physically been untrue to her or not, he was no longer in this relationship, had given it up four months ago while he talked softly into a phone, thinking that she was asleep in their bed. "Richard…what's happened to you? What has happened to us? Are you not wanting to be in this relationship any longer?" Her questions where quiet, but had the weight of a freight train, knocking the breath from his body as he straightened in his seat at her words, his eyes flying wide at the implications.
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight
"Kori, I…I…What…" He stuttered to a stop, his hand running through his hair, making it spike up even farther as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, thoughts chasing through his head, words unspoken, opportunities not taken, heartache and loss and guilt swirling through his gut and making his stomach clench. "Why would you ask me that Kori?" His voice was stilted and cold, the mask of Nightwing in place, his eyes now shuttered as he opened them to look at her. He noted the pain in her features, the tears forming in her brilliant green eyes, and felt his heart clench at causing this remarkable woman pain. His eyes softened, and he raised his hand to brush her cheek, only to have her turn her head from him as the tears overflowed to run down her cheeks. "Kori?" The words were whisper soft and pleading as he clung to remnants of his belief that they could work, that they WOULD work.
"Robin, you know of what I speak. You have been of the distant and working all the time; you never have time for me anymore. We are like two strangers living together now rather than boyfriend and girlfriend. You hardly touch me anymore, and you call out to other people in your dreams. You, you…" She found herself unable to finish as she began to cry in earnest, the pain of the past few months needing a release she had denied herself for so long. She felt him gather her close to his chest, and rather than push him away, she clung to him, as her anchor in the storm, as he always had been, her best friend. She cried harder as the acceptance finally settled into her, the knowledge that she would never be more to him, could not be more to him for someone had stolen his heart long ago, and had not given it back.
He rubbed circles on her back, feeling depression set in at her tears, wondering what to do, how to make it right with the woman in his arms, how to ease her pain and make it as it was, how to let the façade of happiness fall back into place; how to keep his demons at bay once again. He held her tightly, his cheek resting on her red locks as he whispered endearments to her, his eyes closed to hide his own pain and loss; his hatred for himself at stripping away the last of her innocence; her trust in him to keep her safe and now he was breaking her heart. She had often told him of her absolute trust in him, her faith in man-kind that stemmed directly from her faith in him. He was her dark hero, her knight in shining armor, and now that armor was tarnished, her belief crumbling as he broke her heart with his distance, and obsessions; with his lies and his lack of love.
Finally she pulled away, pushed strands of her hair away that stuck to her wet cheeks and scrubbed her cheeks with her palms, erasing the tear tracks and taking deep breaths to calm down. She felt better after her tears, as if a heavy burden had finally been removed. She had been storing up the emotions for so long and could finally let go. There was a chance that they could make this work, but that depended on Richard. She no longer had the strength to keep fighting a losing battle, not when it involved her heart. She stood and wrapped her arms around her middle, seeking comfort from herself, since she could take none from him. She paced around the living room, stopping to gaze at the pictures of the Titans, of the pair of them at the park, of their friends in different places, at the love that surrounded their life when they were part of a team, and felt her eyes well up with tears again, before taking a deep breath and forcing the tears back, determined not to break down again.
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
She spun suddenly, startling Richard in the process of standing up. He froze midway before sinking back to the couch at the bleak look in her eyes, red and puffy from the tears she had cried. She gripped her sides to keep from breaking again, her mouth opening a few times before she could manage to get the words out, her voice shaking when she finally did.
"I had the running into of friend Speedy today at the mall of shopping." Richard felt his heart speed up at the name, images of the red haired archer with Raven flooding his mind. Kori continued, noting the stiffening of his spine and the slight narrowing of his eyes. "We had the lunch together, and discussed the goings on of late." She paused here, and Richard noticed how closely she was watching him. He forced himself to relax back into the cushions, forcing a blank gaze to stop her from seeing how much the name affected him. He opened his mouth to ask a question, but she cut him off, not ready for him to say anything yet. "He did the proposing of marriage to Raven." She deliberately left the title of "friend" out of Raven's name, no longer comfortable with considering that, not after what Speedy had said to her, not after everything that had happened between them two years ago. She watched as his hands clenched into fists on his thighs, as his jaw locked and his eyes blazed, and sighed with regret. It was as she feared, as she had known after talking to Speedy about Raven's reaction to the proposal.
Richard could feel his heart thumping as the reality of Raven being lost to him sunk in, at the idea that she would belong to another so completely, and felt desolation hit as the loss of her love hit him once again. He had been such a fool to ever give her up and all because of a misplaced fear. His hands clenched and unclenched on his legs as he strove to keep his emotions under control, to keep from flying from the couch, finding her and making her his once again.
"She said no." The words were soft, but had the effect of a steam roller over his anger, his sense of loss and fear. They stopped him in his tracks, and he froze on the couch at the knowledge that she had turned down another man. Everything clicked in his mind as he realized that must have been what set her off when she had called him. Roy had proposed and they had fought when she said no. But why did she say no? I thought they were happy together? But she said she loved me…that's why she said no, she couldn't let go. Can I? Can I really let go of her? Can I really say goodbye to Raven?
Kori watched the emotions flicker over his face and felt her heart sink, for those emotions included hope and love. She felt the last of her own hope fall away. It was as she had suspected for many years. Richard still loved Raven, had always loved Raven, and would always love her. She had just been a substitute, and apparently not a good one, for the dark haired half-demon had always been with them, even after they stopped talking. That had happened after they had moved in together, as if that was the final breaking point for Raven, that it was the final straw. Roy and Raven had gotten together shortly after that, almost as if Raven had been making the point that she too could move on, get over Richard. Except neither had, they had clung to the memory of the other like a lifeline, nor it didn't matter who they were with, for they were forever together, even when they were apart. She hung her head, and hugged herself tighter, willing herself to be strong, and tried to convince herself that it was better this way, but the ache of her heart would not be denied and tears welled up again.
"Friend Speedy said that she could not get over you, that she had not let you go and that was why she had said no. He said that she called you that night. That you knew that Raven had not gotten over you, but you said nothing to me of this. Since that night you have been distant and cold. Are you over her Richard?" By now anger was seeping into her tone as she sought justification for why she had been led on for so long, for four months he had lied to her about Raven, about his feelings for her. "Why didn't you tell me Richard? Did I not deserve the truth?" Her head came up to watch him as he tried to find a way to justify his actions of the past four months, and realized that nothing he could say would make this better. He lied to her, had deliberately hurt her and let her continue in this charade of a relationship. Her eyes blazed green as the rest of her heart broke at the realization. "You lied to me!! You let me continue to believe that you loved me! That she meant nothing to you anymore. How could you??" Her voice had risen almost to a shout and he felt the words slice through him as easily as a batarang.
"I didn't do it on purpose Kori, you have to believe me. I didn't want to hurt you by telling you what Raven had said. I thought I could handle it on my own, that it wouldn't change anything." His voice was pleading and he stood up to make his way towards her. She drew back from his arm, and he let it fall to his side on a deep sigh. "Kori… I…I don't know what to say. I do love you Kori…" He didn't finish, but instead stood gazing down at her, seeing the pain he had caused her, and the betrayal in her gaze.
"I do not have the doubt that you love me Richard. You simply love her more. You love her like your mate of the soul, and you love me in the friendship. I was her replacement, I see that now. I should have been of the knowledge then, when you stopped the talking to her when she began the dating with friend Speedy, but I did not want to know that I was in the second of places in your heart. I love you Richard, but this is not of the meant to be. And I deserve better than this. I deserve the love of the mate of the soul, I deserve to be in the first of places of a heart."
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long, So long
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Richard stared at her, seeing the strength that had been hidden for so long, her strength of character and her pride. He felt his heart swell with him emotions, and had to agree with her. For the pride her felt in her at fighting for something more was the pride of a teacher for his student, of a friend for another, but not as a lover for his mate.
"I'm so sorry Kori. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to believe that I wasn't over Raven. I wanted to believe that you and I could have the happily ever after that I denied myself with her, and I ended up hurting you in the process. I'm so sorry." He bowed his head, unable to look at her any longer with the guilt and shame weighing on his shoulders, pushing him down, drowning him in sorrow that he had caused this wonderful woman pain, that he had broken the heart of a very dear friend. He didn't know how he would ever make this right. "What can I do Kori, to make this right with us?"
"There is nothing but time that will make this better Richard." Her voice was soft and resigned as she gently stroked his cheek, bringing his eyes back to hers. "I was recalled to Tamaran yesterday, and was going to invite you to come with me, but now I think this is of the timing of perfection, as I will go alone and we will be of the distance." She smiled gently at him and then turned towards their room to gather her clothes.
Oh when I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
"Kori, I don't want it to end like this. I don't want to lose you as a friend. We've been through so much together, I can't lose you now. Can you ever forgive me?" He had followed her into their room and watched mutely as threw her clothes into a bag, gathering her personal belongings to take with her. She was silent as she did so, but stopped at the sound of his voice. She sighed gently (AN: they've done a lot of sighing haven't they??) before she turned to look at him, a gentle smile on her face. She stepped before him, and brushed his cheek, memorizing his features as she planned to leave her loved one.
"It's alright Robin, there is nothing to forgive you for. It is not your fault that your heart has chosen to love another, and I do not blame you for it. I am full of the wish that it did not happen like this, but this was beyond our control. I will always be your friend, you can always count on me. But I need to go right now, I will be back, but for now I must take of the leaving and return to my planet." She stroked his cheek one last time, raising up slightly to brush her lips against his cheek before turning to collect her bags. He stood mute as she walked past him towards the door, her bags in hand. He felt a tsunami of emotions as she prepared to walk out of his life; relief was welling up inside him, relief at not having to worry about hurting her anymore, no more worry about keeping a lie, not more worries about screwing up. He could finally figure out his needs and wants and what was going on with his heart. Pain and sadness warred within him at having hurt Kori, at breaking her heart and lying to her to save his own. Confusion as to the next step in his life, and worry about what would happen to them now.
"Kori, I…" He stopped in front the open door she had just stepped through, his thought uncompleted at he gazed at her beauty, and a sense of loss crashed over him. She turned back to him one last time, and smiled at him, a reflection of her former cheerful, younger self.
"I know Richard. I love you too. It is better this way. This was not of the meant to be. It has been a beautiful disaster." With those final words, she turned and walked away, her head held high as she prepared for a new life away from the one she loved.
He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
Well that's it for now, i hope you enjoy it. Please review if you did, and heck even if you didn't. I always love feedback. However if it's simply that Raven and Robin shouldn't be together, stick it up your nose, I like them together and it's my story!!
I have the song for the next chapter which will be in Robin's point of view, then one in Raven's and then one or two more depending on whether or not I choose to use two more songs or not.
If you haven't please read and revew the newest chapter of Only New Beginnings as I got very little feedback about it, and I"m really unsure of whether or not to continue on that track. It was posted awhile ago I know, but please...
That's it for now!
Aurora Mikayla
