Your dinner-date-thing passes by in a blur and before you know it, an hour runs away in a spiral of smiles. Your omni-tool flashes with six new requests and it sounds like Garrus is having kittens over medical distributions in holding bay E24. Never a dull moment.

"Well," you say, sighing heavily, "I should go." Yeah great. Can't you just anchor down into your chair and talk until your legs go numb? Can't you lean further and further across the table until your holding Kaidan's hand, both pretending not to notice? Can't you at least wander off in a daze without any obligations to uphold?

"Yeah, you're right," says Kaidan.

No, come on, I'm wrong. Tell me to stay. Oh, don't be a baby, Shepard, for crying out loud. At least, not too much...

He leans back in his chair, signalling that he's ready to break away, but just as you get to your feet and look down at him, you notice his smile. It's warm and honest and adoring. Thank God he doesn't smile like that all the time, you'd collapse on the bridge more often than the Normandy's extranet connection.

"I'll...see you later," Kaidan adds, noticing you're not one-hundred percent on form.

It's difficult to let your guard down in such a busy area, you can't give that kind of smile, but you can't leave without settling the craving you've felt since setting eyes on him in Vancouver. It's burning you up inside.

Leaning on the table, you bend down to him and whisper against his ear, "Much later, if you like. You know where to find me." You place a lingering kiss on his temple and notice his breath shorten. The simplest of kisses never felt so good. He turns toward you as you straighten and, just for a second, you're inches apart.

If it weren't for the asari laughing at the next table over, you'd kiss a lot more than Kaidan's temple. Certain he got the message, you give the slyest wink you've ever managed (you are on a roll, Shepard) and stride off.

You glance back at the bottom of the steps and catch his eye. Kaidan's stood now, running his hands through his hair. He looks so flustered, and damn, are you proud.


"Shepard! Behind you!"

Right behind you, or shooting at you? Can't tell. Can't turn. There's a Cerberus agent in your face and that was the sound of your shield giving out. Fuck. Don't think. Can't think—so much adrenaline.

You do the only thing you can and barrel into the fucker who's about to shoot through your chest plate. He takes the brunt of the fall as you both careen over the cargo boxes and hit the floor. Shit that hurt your wrist—get off! The Cerberus engineer is beneath you, with your right hand jammed beneath his turret pack. With an wild roar, you wrench it free and smash your fist into his helmet.

You don't have time to beat him into oblivion. Don't think. You draw your spare weapon. Aim. Fire. Your stomach revolts at the close quarter mess, but you have to forget it, Shepard, it's them or you. Get up, soldier.

On your feet again and diving for new cover. "Get that shield generator out!" you cry, voice hoarse.

Liara answers you by shattering it in a shower of sparks and smoke.

You charge past Kaidan and drop down nearby, feeling an oppressive weight in the air around him. He's glowing blue as he wields a deadly combination of biotics and heavy pistol fire.

For a fraction of a second, as you burst from cover and take aim, you notice how beautiful the sky is despite all this bloodshed. It's bright and open. A chill wind lashes against your face, cooling the sweat on your skin. Jacob and his people will make it.

Kaidan's got your back. It feels euphoric. You're unstoppable.

Fuck you, Illusive Man. This is my team.


1100 HUNDRED: Ex-Cerberus scientists evacuated, minimal casualties. Dr Brynn Cole and her team en route to work on the Crucible. Jacob Taylor available for future Cerberus sabotages.

2036 HUNDRED: Fuel reactors stabilised and online, depot fully operational again. No casualties. Captain Lee Riley served with valour and should receive a commendation for her actions at Cyone.

Two successful missions in one day. It doesn't really feel like progress, but it's something to smile about. Boy, have you earned your dinner tonight. You jump down from the shuttle, tug off your helmet, and breathe in the sweet recycled oxygen of the Normandy.

"Nice work, guys," you say, slapping James's shoulder as he trundles past.

"Yeah, what with me doing all the work," he teases. "Next time, EDI, could you point out that the Reaper's have set up Barrier Engines before the hoard comes? I mean, it's just a suggestion, no?"

EDI steps down beside you, straight faced and glorious. She sure is beautiful, it's hard not to stare at her mouth and how little she changes her expression when talking. You catch yourself wondering if you'd look good made out of metal.

"I like to watch humans work for their survival," she states in monotone, pausing to out-stare James.

"Uh..." He looks at you with wide eyes. You know she's joking, you know she is, but...

"That was a joke," EDI adds.

Confirmation is nice.

You retreat to the corner of the shuttle bay and strip off your armour, stuffing it into the locker with practiced ease. Ah, that's better. You pull your arms back, stretching your chest and easing the stiffness in your back. A yawn tugs at your jaw and the temptation to sleep arises.

You shake your head. Can't sleep yet, you might have That Dream again. Sometimes it's better to sleep when you've still got thirty other things to worry about—you dream about work, instead. About meetings with the Council; mission briefings in the shuttle; reading your emails; comparing and calculating tactical reports. Boring, unsatisfying, but preferable.

Now settled into comfortable casual wear, you head off to find Kaidan. You're not even going to pretend you have a reason, you just want to see him. What are the odds he's still on the Observation Deck, right where you left him after saving Jacob's ass?

You summon the elevator, smirking, and head to crew deck.

The doors open and the memorial wall greets you. Your smirk fades. You can't help it. Every time the doors open, you walk out and stand before the list of names. You read them all, or at least the ones you miss the most, and take them in. You carry every name, because someone has to, and a lot of those names are there because of you. They should be here. They're all important and you owe something to each of them. They'll never know victory. But you'll get it for them.

Rousing yourself with a deep breath, you decide to check on everyone else before Kaidan. If you aren't okay, how's your squad holding up?

Chakwas is so tired she has very little to say, but otherwise fine. Garrus has a few wise cracks about Jacob and, damn it, you just can't help smiling. On your way to Liara's room someone in the kitchen has the most raucous laugh you've ever heard—it's so ridiculously zealous you end up laughing yourself. Liara's taken everything in her stride, as usual, and points out how awful it must be for the scientists; thank the Goddess you didn't inhale any toxic fumes, and hooray everything went according to plan.

As you leave her room, Javik's voice pierces through the speakers. "Asari, I have finished reading your 'architectural history' of my people. You have the most childish view of the world I have ever encountered."

"Have fun," you comment over your shoulder, catching Liara growl before the doors woosh shut.

You feel much better already, but again, you stop yourself on the way to the Observation Deck. The memorial wall lurks out the corner of your eye. No, check everyone first.

No one can evade you tonight, not even Cortez who still thinks he's taking up your time no matter how much you assure him otherwise. It's hard to break away from the shuttle bay, actually. James and Cortez should have their own chat show. Even a Reaper might stop for half a second just to goggle at their banter.

It's ten o'clock (by the ship's time cycle) when you finally head to the Observation Deck. The doors open, you slip inside, and a total smile takes over. A secret smile. The kind you wouldn't give when others are around. He's sleeping in the corner chair again.

Has Kaidan been asleep since you left for the fuel depot? No, he must have woken up a couple of times since, but his sleep cycle will be totally out of sync if he keeps this up. You creep closer and brush one hand across his face, your touch steady and tender.

Kaidan stirs, and when his eyes find yours he relaxes into your palm. "Hey there," he purrs. Man, his voice sounds great when he wakes up.

"Hey."

"You alright?"

You crouch down by his chair and Kaidan leans over to kiss your forehead.

"Just checking in," you reply. The press of his lips soothes away the last of your worries, and exhaustion hits you like a brick wall.

"What time is it?" he asks, fumbling with his data pad as it falls between his knees.

"Ten o'five."

"What?" Kaidan straightens up and glances out the window, even though he knows that won't give any indication as to the time of day. "You left without waking me." He looks a little hurt, despite trying to play it off.

"Didn't have the heart," you reply, straightening up to give him a warm, lingering kiss. Kaidan smiles against your mouth.

"Heh, well, thanks but...next time: wake me." There's a seriousness in his eyes, he's imploring for you not to do that again. And then it clicks.

One day, you might not come back.


Thessia.

A ringing fills your ears.

Thessia.

You can't stop thinking that one word. You whisper it to yourself—it's a good word.

Thessia.

The shower cascades over your head and hammers into your shoulders like steel rain. Not hot enough. It should burn. You turn up the heat, staring at the wall. The shower's hiss reminds you of com static and voices whisper in your ear. It's happened before, after long missions with poor com traffic, but not like this.

Anyone on this frequency? This is Lieutenant...

Shit. Shit. Shit. What was her name?

And you've lost before...but not like this. You've never lost completely, there's always been some small success. Not this time.

In that moment, for the first time, you could do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Despite working at your best: you saved no one today. You stood and watched, because even if you had tried to run at the descending Reapers just to save one life, you never would have made it. That utterly defeated feeling—you've never experienced it before. There's always been one last push, or one life rescued. There's always been information to hand over, or an objective recovered.

Thessia.

Not this time.

My squad is trapped! I say again, is anyone on this frequency?

The voice crackles through the shower spout and deep inside your head.

The lieutenant's down, the whole zone is collapsing.

You still live to report your failure.

I saw them... Wait. I've got a Reaper inbound!

You doubt that you'll ever forget her frantic pleas.

Or the way you heard her scream in your ear and watched from afar as the Reaper descended. Then the next lieutenant spoke. And the next Reaper landed. And the succession of command continued to die right next to your ear—far over in the next district, just across the water...

Kai Leng. Kai Leng. Kai Leng. KAI — you punch the wall and barely suppress a roar. You know what? You love to hate him. You want to despise every fibre of his being and take this all out on him. Rip off those stupid fucking goggles and see fear in his eyes: see what kind of man he really is.

"Taunt me next time, fucker, and I'll rip your eyes out."

Sure, you don't miss being the Illusive Man's super duper special snowflake, but Kai Leng's attitude—the way he waltzes around and drops melodramatic comments—it's as if he wants to say 'you could have been the Illusive Man's favourite but you're too stupid to have taken that chance.' How dare he walk all over you. How dare he even consider himself better than you.

You spin around, throwing water across the bathroom, and punch the other wall. You watch water droplets slide down the steamy mirror and you take a moment to calm down, panting with barely contained rage.

Thessia.

Your rage collapses.

A whole world died today. For nothing. Even when you destroyed the batarian home world, you did it knowing you'd delayed the Reapers for a few more crucial months. Making that decision had hurt. But this?

The asari councillor is making preparations to preserve her culture. If you'd just climbed out of the crumbled temple floor a little faster, tried harder to find handholds, then maybe, maybe you could have...

"Shepard," you jump at EDI's voice, "Kaidan is requesting to enter your cabin."

You desperately do not want to turn him away, but you are not in a good state. No one can see you like this, not even Kaidan. You are his commanding—wait. No. He out ranks you now. Well shit. Regardless, this is your ship and your crew and fuck it.

"Let him in," you say, resigned to the fact that you just need to tell someone: I am not okay. How do you do that with your dignity still intact?

Poor Joker. You shouldn't have yelled at him earlier. He was only trying to help. And Anderson, he's worried; so worried about you that he's making other people do psyche checks on the down low. Missing Anderson feels like a stab to the chest.

The cabin door hisses and thuds open outside the bathroom. Boots pace across the linoleum floor.

"Shepard?"

"I'm in the—give me a moment." Give me five hours. Could you just sit out there and me in here? That would be great.

Honestly, you fucking baby.

"Alright." He's probably taken a seat on the couch. He probably would wait five hours if you needed him to.

You burry your face in your hands and scrape your fingers across your scalp. A long, deep, unending sigh. Even if no one visited you it wouldn't change the fact that you have shit to do, Commander. Get out the goddamn shower.

My squad is trapped! Shepard, where is Shepard? Someone—oh Goddess!

You bite down on your fist to suppress the first and last sob you'll let loose.

Thessia.

Swallowing your tears before they can take hold, you rub your eyes clean and massage your forehead in an attempt to ease out the serious frown lines. Shower off; phantom static still whispers in your head.

Hello, this is Lieutenant...

Your head jerks in a violent attempt to shake out their voices. Smearing water and steam across the mirror does nothing to clear it, and you squint at yourself—rub your jaw, pull at your eyes. It's hard to tell but you think you don't look too bad. You towel-dry as quick as possible, pull on your N7 pants. Before you can finish drying down your torso, however...

Kaidan knocks on the door. "Shepard, are you okay?" His voice is soft and unassuming. He's not asking why you're taking too long, he's asking about you.

"I..." You brace against the sink. "I've been better."

"May I come in?"

A tiny part of you is amused. You glance down at your bare chest and water-speckled arms. Being a marine can be satisfying when you know that you're technically in peak physical condition. Psychological state is secondary at this point, let's be honest.

"Sure," you reply.

The door opens and you remain braced against the sink, watching. Kaidan sucks in a breath and glances away, but he can't resist looking. His smirk is fleeting as he meets your eye. You try to smile. A shard of warmth pierces your heart but you don't deserve him today. You should be alone, like all the families who lost loved ones on Thessia. Oh God, what if you lost Kaidan?

You've thought about it before; you had to choose between his life and Ashley's once. No, don't think about that. Of all the things to recall, that was dumb. You cringe and curl one fist over your stomach, as if you can crush the guilt eating you alive.

He clutches the doorframe. "Shepard, I don't really know what to say, but I know you can't be okay right now. I heard you ripped into Joker pretty badly earlier. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, and that it wasn't your fault."

Kaidan inches into the tiny bathroom and traces his fingers over your shoulder blades; down your back, brushing water droplets around in curved lines.

"Not my fault?" you half-laugh. "It might not be my fault, but..." You shake your head. You can still see Reapers landing in the streets, outlined against a red sunset sky. What is the Catalyst? The ever present fucking question and you lost the answer—you lost the data to Kai Leng! Your knuckles whiten against the basin and you shake your arms, glad you can't actually rip the sink off the wall because, damn, would you like to.

"I let Leng get away," you hiss.

Kaidan squeezes your arm. "We'll think of something else. It doesn't matter."

"It does matter!" You shove backwards and glare at him. "What else are we supposed to do? I can't pull answers out of my ass. Shepard this, Shepard that, Shepard will know—I don't fucking know!"

Shouting when you're only half dressed feels a little stupid. So much for dignity. You grab your shirt off the shelf, but you're shaking so hard you'll probably just get your head stuck in the arm hole. You screw it up instead and throw it into the corner of the room.

"I can barely take care of my own team, everything is sheer dumb luck with me. The fact that I'm alive at all is a freak of nature." You spread your arms wide, emphasising the point, and Kaidan's hurt eyes take all of you in. It's a surprise he hasn't interrupted you yet.

Tears sting your eyes. "I don't wanna do this anymore."

Right. Now you really need to stop talking. You might love Kaidan, but his morale is still a matter of professionalism. You hang your head in shame and suck in a deep breath through your teeth. No one can know that you're afraid of failing—really afraid. This helplessness is the most sick you've felt in a long time.

"I didn't mean that," you lie. "I'm fine, just angry. We...we have to fight the Reapers."

"Same old line," he whispers, and hooks his arms under yours. There's no resistance, your arms automatically slide around his broad shoulders. You hide your mouth against his neck as if to make sure you don't blurt out anything else that's inappropriate.

Kaidan rubs your back, pressing his thumbs into the muscular grooves, and places a tender kiss on your cheek. He speaks in a whisper, lips half pressed to your skin. "You're not a robot, so stop trying to act like one. You don't have to be invulnerable all of the time."

You cringe. Grip his shirt tight.

"Millions of people died," you say.

"I know. Millions of people have died almost every day this month. Palaven, Earth, Dekunna, Thessia..." He expels a heavy breath into the curve of your neck. "But it's not your fault."

"I know. I know." Your eyes burn and you close them firmly, pressing your cheek against his. You just want to meld into one person; keep this closeness and nothing else. "Maybe."

"There's no 'maybe' about it."

"Look it's not that, alright?" You ease out of his grip and push past to retrieve your shirt. It's practically sopping. Of course you threw it into the dampest corner of the room. You distract yourself by ringing it out and then stretching it over your head, shivering.

"No? Then what is it? You can't keep shrugging everything off and saying 'I need to kill all the Reapers.' How far is that bravado going to carry you?" Kaidan grips your arm as you try to leave the bathroom. Looking into his rich brown eyes, you feel moved by his concern.

"I know you think you have to keep face for the rest of us," he says, "you're always there for everyone else. But you need to let someone be there for you, too. You're only human, Shepard." His grip strengthens; eyes alight with sincerity. "I've been through a lot with you—hell, I should have been with you through the Omega 4 Relay—I'm not about to freak out if you admit that you're not okay right now. Remember when we stole the SR-1? Heck, I'd kinda like it if you did show something other than anger."

For a moment you glare at him, preparing to chew him out like you did with Joker. If only you weren't prone to quavering under his stern gaze. It's like a kick to the abdomen whenever Kaidan gets like this.

You sigh and lean back into the bathroom to kiss his ample mouth, brushing your hand over his hip. His lips match yours as you press deeply into him: warm, soft, calming. When you pull away you offer a sad smile, and Kaidan lets your arm slip from his grasp.

You head over to the steps leading into your main cabin and pause at the top. "Kaidan," you say softly. You push your hands into your pockets, suppressing another chilly shiver. It takes over your whole body. "I couldn't do anything."

Kaidan's firm hands find your biceps and he grips you from behind. His sturdy, reassuring hold absorbs some of your tremors and he presses his forehead to the back of your neck.

What else is there to say? You can't think of a better way to put it. You stood there and watched Thessia burn and you did nothing to stop it, because there was nothing you could have done.

"I had to walk away." You shake your head. "Millions dead, all for nothing. And I just watched."

Touching one of Kaidan's hands before pulling away again, you head down the steps and over to the bed. You perch on the end, hunching over, hands clasped and elbows on knees. Without hesitating, Kaidan sits beside you. Neither of you speak for a few moments, the cabin's ambience dominated by the fish tank's bubbling water filter.

In the end, Kaidan reaches over and pushes your hands apart, pushes his fingers between yours, and holds your hand.

"If you start and never stop," he said, "you cannot fail." He gives you an embarrassed smile. "It's something my dad always says. I think that's one of the reasons why I like you so much. You live up to that saying better than anyone I know. No matter what gets in your way, no matter who holds you back: you keep going. It's as if you believe there's a solution to everything—"

"Yeah, I wish."

Kaidan's brow creases and his hand smoothes around your wrist. "I'm just saying... We'll find a way."

On my way! No—Reaper. Reaper! This is Lieutenant...

You cringe and clench both hands around his. "I hope so."

Kaidan runs his free fingers up the back of your neck. Every line on his face is etched with empathy and longing, like he would give anything to make you feel better. Oh, Kaidan. That's not necessary, it's not his responsibility.

Gazing into his eyes you feel a blissful, broken, burning ache twist your heart in two. You glance at his lips and the rest is magnetic. You're drawn to him like the last two people left alive. You've been patient, very patient, but now you need to touch as much of him as possible. Gripping his collar, you pull him gently but firmly into your kiss.

He lets a pleasurable moan tumble across your chin as you mould around his upper lip, running your tongue across the faint scar there. His hands glide over your cheeks, holding you close, his kisses hot and hungry and numbing.

You stroke down his neck, down the curves of his arms, and then press your palms against his chest. Your hands slide up to his shoulders, really absorbing as much of him as possible, until the only way you can be any closer is to engulf him in your arms.

Kaidan clings to you, breath heavy against your ear. "I love you, Shepard."

You place a tender kiss on his neck, your eyes hot with tears. "And I love you, Kaidan."

He doesn't comment upon the gruffness of your voice. He squeezes you, and he waits until you're ready to let go.