Disclaimer: I do not own any plots/characters/ideas from Harry Potter, Fruits Basket, Lord of the Rings, etc…unfortunately.
The Devilish Trio's Recreational Trip Around the Universe.
Chapter 3: The Old Book and God
It was early in the lovely morning. Birds chirped, women hummed, babies cried, and Haru heatedly kicked the door to Shigure's home open with his back hooves; nevertheless, it was a lovely morning. Glancing up from his romantic novel, Shigure momentarily glared at the ox, his glasses falling sloppily off his face.
Sighing, he scratched his head lazily and set his book down lightly on the table. "Must everyone break my house?" He threw his hands up in the air dramatically; Haru stopped his raging to stare suspiciously at the unusually stern man (although he could hardly be called such).
"Ah, well." Shigure snickered. "Cow." He laughed behind his hands and then went into hiding when Haru threatened to 'shove it where it mattered'; the "it" was yet to be revealed.
"Get her off of me!" Haru bellowed, causing Kyo to be swept off his feet unto his backside.
Peering up from behind the couch, Shigure perked up at the word 'she' and grinned at the three girls. Who wouldn't be excited with three strange (and foreign) women in their custody, especially if one is literally hanging off of Haru, another holding bunny-Momiji, and the other beating up Yuki in the corner? As it so happens to be, this was the case.
"Oh my. How lovely." Shigure gushed and hurried forward to plant a small kiss on Kelsey's hand. While she babbled and flushed, Haru swiftly shook her off him and ran to the opposite side of the room.
Without hesitation, Jessica whipped out a McGonagall-styled disposable camera and tossed it at Bri, who fumbled with it for a moment then securely wrapped her fingers around it. "You can have that. What you do with it is your business, but I suspect I'm a scheming person and, therefore, I'm well aware what you're about to do with it."
A bit bemused, Bri decided against commenting on Jessica's proclamation. Instead, she glanced at the faces of the celebrated (in the author's household) Maggie Smith. "Where do you keep getting this stuff?" She inquired, turning over the camera for any clues.
"Walmart." Jessica shrugged, pulling out an empty shopping bag complete with the Walmart smiley face.
"I didn't know they made these at Walmart." Bri said, holding up her now-prized possession.
Without much thought (as she never put much thought into anything), Jessica stuffed the bag back into her back pocket. "I pre-ordered it."
"I see, very clever." Bri complemented the girl, turning around when a loud 'pop' rung through the room and Haru appeared naked (and human) in front of the crowd. Snapping the camera with such speed (such as the rabid fangirl), Bri ran out of film in a record 3.7 seconds. "Crud…" She mumbled when her camera disappeared into thin air and laid twenty photographs in her outstretched hands.
Not bothering to study the pictures, as the real thing was in front of her, Bri carefully placed the pictures into her Pokemon-themed bag.
"I love that bag!" Kelsey gushed, suddenly pouncing on Bri with a very panther-like style. She held up the bag for all to see, Bri swatting at her friend with frustration. "I just love Squirtle." Kelsey giggled then dismounted (no matter how strange and twisted that sounds) Bri's back.
"You're ridiculous." Kyo murmured under his breath, pouting by himself in the corner with Yuki, who was bandaging his cuts and bruises.
Jessica, who had pulled a stapler out of her Walmart bag, advanced on a now-worried Kyo. "You have something to say, kitty?" She demanded, Kyo sprinting away from the driven (and possibly more or less psycho) girl.
"Shigure, stop her!" Kyo shrieked at the adult, who was now entertaining himself with tea.
Swallowing a mouthful, he only made a small indifferent sound and turned to Yuki, who was studying the many red spots on his body. "Oh yes, Yuki. I've forgotten to say that we will be having a few guests over for dinner."
"Guests?" Jessica stopped in mid-chase and looked on at Shigure, who was offering the last tea drops to Kelsey as a diversion (as she was latched on to Haru again).
"Certainly!" He chirped, spilling the tea, in which he replied to with a rather large scene of vulgar words and chopsticks.
Kyo sparked up upon hearing this. "Who would want to go to this dump?" He jeered, noticeably pointing out the broken door.
"Well you, obviously, for one." Shigure replied rather melodically; Kyo said nothing in reply.
Meanwhile, Momiji was stealthily climbing the curtains like a cat with Yuki attempting to pelt him down with spitballs. The boy, still in his rabbit form, wept from up on top of the fabric. "Bri!" He whined. "He's hurting me!" Pointing a small paw in Yuki's general direction, Bri's 'Momiji's in trouble' radar began to go completely haywire.
"I'm coming!" She gasped and promptly tackled Yuki to the ground, the boy wriggling under her body weakly.
"Well." Jessica grumbled, holding her head in irritation. "That was dramatic. Can't you keep your family under control?" Turning to Shigure, she crossed her arms and glared at the man.
He chuckled and leaned in forward with his hand over his heart. "Oh, I'm wounded." Shigure sobbed spectacularly. "But, I do believe I should be asking you the same question." Straightening himself up again, he motioned over to Bri, who was feverishly tearing out Yuki's nose hairs.
"True." Jessica merely replied. "I like your style. This could possibly lead to a very plentiful friendship."
Suddenly, Shigure was upon the now-flustered girl. Throwing himself unto the girl's lap (as she had taken the pleasure of watching Bri and Yuki from the couch), he batted his eyelashes seductively and purred softly. "I think I know exactly what you mean."
"No, I don't think you do." Jessica growled in disgust and pushed Shigure off her lap into a heap of dust on the floor. "And if you don't mind, stay there." She smiled sweetly while the man twitched on the ground.
Bri, rising from off of the beaten Yuki, stood up and held out her hands for Momiji to jump into. However, when he launched himself from off the curtains, he so unfortunately transformed at the very moment, which sent Bri falling back on top of Yuki with a human Momiji in her arms.
"Well, there's not much I can say about that." Kelsey stated, observing the groaning Yuki and Bri, who possibly had broken some bones.
Kyo, who had nothing else to do as the author was becoming less entertaining by the second, stalked toward the front door in hopes of escaping the chaos but, alas, he was not successful. Upon reaching it, he was thrown back from the impact of the door being opened up on his face as a rather blissful-looking Ayame rushed through the doorway.
"Why hello, Kyo! Dear, what are you doing behind the door? Not hiding from me I suspect!" He laughed jollily and proceeded to help Shigure off the floor. Ritsu, Kareno, Akito, and Hatori followed suit after Ayame and stood idly within the room.
Ritsu, who was currently being attacked by a loving Bri, broke out in sobs and apologies at the slightest wrongdoing that was to occur over the next ten minutes. Hatori, on the other hand, just stood by Jessica while the two participated in a staring contest.
"Kareno, darling, set my things in the back room." Akito ordered from thin air, as everyone had forgotten her already. "Now." She didn't hesitate to add with a clap of her hands.
Grumbling, Kareno picked up her suitcases and practically threw them down the hall, Akito glaring at him with rage. "Dear God!" Bri shrieked out of nowhere, obviously revolted with how Kareno obeyed his master.
"Yes, slave?" Akito turned to Bri with power-hungry eyes. "Bow to me!" She demanded, but was instantaneously shut up with a smart punch to the face, which may or may not have broken her nose.
Without much warning, Ritsu threw himself on Bri in a rather frightening fashion, holding onto her shoulders for dear life, all the while weeping as if there were no tomorrow. It definitely gave a new meaning to 'cry me a river', it was quite literal in Ritsu's case. "Please, kind woman who I do not know, forgive me of my sins! How incredibly evil of me to show such respect to dear Akito!" After about ten more seconds of Ritsu's confessions, Kelsey finally had the heart to firmly poke the man in the side, which caused him to fall to the floor calmly.
Now, as Akito had recovered from the smack to her nose, she turned to Bri lividly and held the girl by the front of her shirt. "How dare you—" She shrieked, but was cut off by yet another (but also quite magnificent) fist to her beautiful face. "That hurts." Akito wept into her sleeve, releasing a quite confident Bri.
With a blink and then a sharp intake of breath, Kureno shifted uneasily on his feet at the sight of Akito crying then proceeded to cheer, jumping up and down excitedly. "Go Bri! Alright!" He then gave Bri a tremendously enthusiastic grin and high-five.
"Kureno, may I implore you on how you knew her name?" Shigure asked, sipping his tea once more.
Pulling out a huge pamphlet out of his back pocket, Kureno gave Shigure a quite bewildered expression as if the dog was possibly the densest person he's ever met (as he might as well be). "It's in the script!"
"Now, now, Kureno. You must put that away this instant." Ayame chuckled while cooling himself with a Shigure-themed fan. Quickly, Kureno pocketed the pages and turned to Hatori, who had finally lost the staring contest to Jessica.
"You're not supposed to be looking at that on set anyway." Hatori mumbled, crossing his arms drearily. Haru mimicked the doctor, making sure to keep one eye on Kelsey.
As the whole group, with the exception of Bri, disapproved of Kureno's slight mistake, Kyo finally spoke up. "I'm bored. Let's do something, like set up some mouse traps or something."
"That's not funny." Yuki replied from the corner of the room, a strangely evil look playing on his face.
"Well, I'm still bored."
Jessica snorted and flipped her bangs from out of her face. "That or you're in need of serious medical attention." Quite surprisingly, Yuki laughed at her fiery response but was quickly shut up by the renewed stapler that had found its way into Jessica's hand again.
"I agree with the stupid boy." Kelsey announced, snatching the plastic Walmart bag out of Jessica's back pocket. Jessica screeched as Kelsey thrust her hand into the empty sack and pulled out the same old book that transported them into the Sohma's home in the first place.
'Back again I see. Did you develop a close relationship with my granny's feet on the way?' The book wrote at once. When the writing disappeared, Kelsey feverishly wrote a response, idly throwing the bag back at Jessica.
'Well, let's just say I don't think I'd embrace them in a friendly hug the first chance I get.' She replied back.
It took a moment for the novel to scribble something back to Kelsey, but eventually the group huddled around the book as the words appeared mystically. 'I could change that couldn't I?' At the end of the sentence was a small winking smiley.
"That's it! Of all the cruel doings in the world, I officially hate your book, Bri!" Jessica threw her hands over her head in exasperation as the book sucked in the three girls along with the Sohma family into its depths.
Soaring through the familiar portal of old women feet, the group held tight to one another with Bri trying desperately to kick Akito in the direction of another timeline. Only Kelsey seemed to enjoy the journey, screaming with glee the whole voyage.
