Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the delay between chapters – sometimes, real life just gets in the way. After the heartwrencher that was 'Always', I've finally found the time to edit the next chapter. Thank you all for your lovely reviews so far, and I'd love to hear what you think.
Chapter Three
In the gutter, we are starless and blind to dreams, but we can dream each other
To a new day, where the good guys always win and heaven still means something
"Five across," she mumbles around the pen in her mouth the next morning, eyes focused intently on the crossword in front of her as she lifts her mug of tea to her lips and removes the pen in one smooth move. He absently rubs the leg she has slung across his and brushes his lips to her temple as he leans over to read the clue she taps with the nib.
The sun is warm and high in the sky and they have gravitated towards it, sleepy and blinking and completely emotionally strung out as they are. She's a naturally early riser, and while sleeping this late is normal for him, it always leaves her a little bit off kilter. This morning, as dangerously close as it is to being afternoon, it's left her a little clingier than usual, although he knows that's also partly down to the fact that her shoulder is hurting from the awkward position they finally fell asleep in at a little after 5am, which still makes her stay a little closer than usual anyway. Forgoing breakfast with the knowledge that their collective family will want lunch when they arrive, they are nursing oversized mugs of tea instead of their usual morning coffee. Her eyes had softened as she took a deep breath from the steaming mug and looked up at him, confirming his suspicion that she probably didn't have the stomach for coffee, either.
She has relaxed a little as she drinks and tears through the New York Times crossword with speed and accuracy. He normally fights her for it, but this morning he's more than content to just sit with her tucked into his side and her legs slung over his lap, offering his help when she asks. She doesn't ask often, and it's a fact that only makes him fall in love with her a little bit more.
When he feels the end of her pen dig lightly into her stomach he realises he's been thinking for too long, and not about the clue she's still pointing at. He forces himself to focus on the paper, and realises that she's pointing to a really, really easy clue. Not for the first time this morning, and with a small, cheeky grin on her face that he wants to kiss away.
"Are you deliberately giving me all the easy clues?" he asks, affronted.
"Well I already know all the difficult ones, so where's the fun in asking you those?" she asks, and he wants to drink in the smile in her eyes. Leaning forward, he brushes his lips against her nose and she laughs as she tips her head back a little to kiss him, gentle and tender and sweet.
"You're infuriating," he murmurs against her lips, and she laughs, nods quickly and steals a slightly deeper kiss.
"Love me for it though, don'tcha?" she asks, deliberately drawling out the last word until he kisses her again. And he really, really does.
"Katie?" they hear from across the lawn, and he steals another quick kiss from her lips before letting her turn and wave at Jim as he makes his way over to them. He relieves her of the crossword and her mug so she can stand, placing them on the table as she meets her dad at the edge of the deck in a fierce hug. They haven't dressed for their day yet, and she's wearing a well-worn and perfectly fitted pair of yoga pants under the shirt he wore for part of yesterday. The sleeves are rolled up to her elbows with the tails hanging down to mid-thigh, and the sight of her in his clothes still stirs something fiercely masculine and possessive inside him that he tries not to let her see.
Not that it's really appropriate to be staring at her ass with her father in the vicinity, anyway.
Shaking his head sharply, he forces himself to pay attention as Kate starts to speak, still trapped in her dad's arms. They haven't seen one another since she broke down outside the courtroom, and he knows that as much as she needed the time to herself, to themselves, she's also needed this. He knows the bond between a father and a daughter after all, and he sees more of himself and Alexis in Kate and Jim than he tells her.
"Hi, Dad," he hears her murmur softly, and his writer's mind completes the scene, imagining from her posture that her hands are fisted tightly in his shirt the way they are when she clings onto him.
"You look tired, Katie," he hears Jim tell her as he pulls away, and he can see concern in her dad's eyes as he lifts a hand to her face. It looks like she leans into the touch, and the simplicity of the gesture squeezes his heart.
"We had a rough night," she tells her father softly, and then she turns eyes that are too dark and too full of emotion to him, looking for confirmation. Standing up, he walks over to place a warm hand on her back, nodding his agreement. They did have a rough night, both waking more than once after she had lulled him to sleep with her fingers and her story, and he doesn't know whether it's the interruptions or the sleeping late or the pain in her shoulder, or something else entirely that has her looking like she's about to fall apart. Keeping his hand against her back, he leans around to give Jim a one armed hug.
"Good to see you," he greets, sweeping a hand to the house. "You found us okay?"
"Your directions were perfect," Jim smiles, taking in the sight before him. "It really is a beautiful house, Rick. Katie's description didn't do it justice. I can see why the two of you have spent so much time out here the last few months."
"Thank you. Kate'll give you a tour later," he offers, getting a slightly tremulous smile and a light smack against his stomach that was his aim all along. The first time he brought her out here she got thoroughly disoriented trying to find her way out of his library. There had been other factors in play at the time, but she smiles at the memory now and that's all he wants. Jim looks amused by their interaction and Rick flashes a grin at the older man, pressing a kiss to Kate's cheek. She turns in his arms a little, snaking both around his waist, and he rubs her back gently.
It's not like her to be this clingy, especially not in front of her dad, and Jim's eyes turn from amused to concerned as he watches. Straightening the shirt on her back, he releases her gently, giving her a gentle nudge toward her father.
"Kate's halfway through the crossword and she keeps giving me all the easy clues," he complains, resting his hands on her shoulders when she hesitates and guiding her gently towards the chairs they were sitting in. "You must have more experience at dealing with that than I do," he adds as Jim lets loose a laugh that confirms his suspicions. Easing his fingers gently into her tense shoulders, he leans down to brush his lips against her hair. "I'm going to grab a shower, give you a bit of time together," he tells them, unashamed in his decision. He suspects that there are things she wants to talk to her father about, and he knows that even now it's easier for her to talk about some things without him around.
She does the same thing for him with Alexis, without even being asked.
Her eyes meet his as she turns to look at him, and he squeezes the fingers she reaches up for a second before pulling away to head inside. He makes his way into the bathroom, taking a moment to admire the sleek and modern but comfortable new design while he waits for the water to warm up. They have already tried out the vast, sunken tub more than once during the week, and he knows now that it was worth the extortionate price tag for the way it relaxed her and gave her the best two nights' sleep she's had all week.
He can't help but wonder how much it would have helped her in the weeks and months after her injury, but he knows that if the last year has taught him anything, it's not to look back.
Rubbing a hand over his face and making a mental note instead to suggest a bath no matter how late they make it to bed tonight, he strips off and climbs into the shower, resting his forehead against the cool tiles for a moment and cursing his writer's brain as it assaults him with yet more memories.
"Hey there," he breathes easily as her eyelids flicker before him, taking a couple of deep, replenishing inhales that glue him back together just a little. Until she manages to open those deep, soulful green eyes and struggles to focus on him through the pain and the fear that he's only ever seen once before, the pain and the fear that he prayed he would never have to see again.
And then he can't breathe all over again.
"Ca…stle," she rasps on a gasp of pain that makes the machines in the room go wild for a second. He reaches over, bracing a hand on her other side and brushing her hair off her face gently.
"I'm right here, Kate," he breathes, lingering on her name as he feathers his fingers over her cheek until she manages to settle into a shallower rhythm of breathing and the monitors calm. "Hey," he repeats eventually, eyes locking on hers as he fails to stop the smile from crossing his face. Relief. "They gave you some pretty strong painkillers, knocked you out for a few hours," he murmurs in answer to the silent question in her eyes, reaching up to brush her hair off her forehead with gentle fingers. Seconds later, he feels her hand cup his elbow weakly, and watches something akin to wonder cross her pain riddled eyes. Her leg twitches against his arm, and then she's crying, relief and pain and fear and wonder combining in big fat tears that slide down her cheek and trap her breath in her throat.
The monitors go wild, and he springs into action, cupping her wet cheeks with his hands.
"The doctors say it was probably something to do with shock. I was a little out of it myself, but I'm pretty sure I got the basics." he whispers softly, swiping her tears away with gentle thumbs. He knows her well enough to know that the only thing that will calm her down is facts, and she's already pulling in a steadier breath with that small piece of knowledge. So he explains, as best he can. "They called it pseudoparalysis, I think," he tells her, moving a hand briefly to brush her hair from where it has fallen on her forehead again. "Your body was pushing its limits already, and that hell of a…" he stops himself suddenly, before he talks her back into panic. "The trauma meant that it just decided to shut down. They tested all your reflexes while you were out and they're fine," he whispers, wiping her tears gently before moving a hand to touch her knee. Her face lights up when she feels his touch, tearful and gorgeous and achingly full of love.
"What…?" she asks hoarsely, and he presses gentle fingers to her lips. He doesn't need her to finish her question to know what she's asking.
"You did a bit of a number on yourself," he tells her softly, trying to keep his voice light. "I lost track of the number of places they said were bruised. Your ribs and your spine mainly, which explains the pain. Doctor said they'll heal with time, but you probably know that better than I do." He gets a hint of a smile for that, and as she tries to lift her hand to his cheek he helps her, covering her shaking fingers with his own.
"What aren't you telling me?" she asks quietly, as her eyes fall to the right and take in the strapping and sling on her arm. He swipes his thumb under her eye again gently, nodding slowly.
"Your shoulder took the brunt of the impact," he explains, glancing up as the door opens and her doctor slips in quietly. "I'll let the doctor explain, Kate," he breathes, completely and utterly unable to stop himself from leaning down and brushing his lips against hers. Quick. Like a habit.
Simple and familiar, just like she told him so many weeks ago in little more than a whisper as they worked on the case in the dead of night that she wished it was. And if the way her eyes seem to melt is any indication, that's one thing that hasn't changed.
He lays her hand gently back against the stark white sheets, but keeps a hold of her fingers as he sits back and lets her doctor explain the extent of her injuries. The doctor is young but experienced, calm and reassuring in his manner, and even though she looks shaken to her core by the time he leaves, she doesn't have tears in her eyes.
"You let me help you with this," he tells her, quietly but firmly. "No arguments, Kate. I have the money, and you're going to let me help you." Her fingers clench around his as tightly as she can, and he feels tears in his own eyes as she hangs onto him and nods.
He almost chokes on his own breath, relief and pain and so many memories of that summer slamming back into his mind. Her eyes are closed, and he takes the moment she gives him to compose himself. He knows the similarities to that summer aren't lost on her either, and it feels as if the force of his love for her has slammed into him like it's a physical object, because she's not pushing him away this time.
Because this time, he'll get to help her heal.
"We still don't have enough, do we?" she whispers into the silence eventually, her voice broken and ragged with knowledge, beaten down and exhausted just like her body.
He has to close his eyes as he shakes his head.
The memories linger with him all through his shower, and it's not until he steps back out into the warmth of the sun and she's in his line of sight again that they really start to fade. She has turned her chair sideways to sit a little closer to her dad, and even from this distance he can see the hand she has resting on his chest. She looks tense and uncomfortable, and something aches in his chest all over again as he makes his way towards them.
It's one of the reasons that he brought her out here straight after the trial. She couldn't have coped with the city, and even the people that she loved the most were virtually impossible for her to be around without battling the constant edge of a panic attack. He hadn't been able to bear the thought of watching her struggling, trying to pretend that she was fine when she was anything but.
It feels selfish sometimes, a decision made out of nothing but instinct and the fear he saw in her eyes that took her away from her friends and family, but it's always been different when they're alone and he just wanted nothing more than for her to be able to breathe easily.
He had hoped that the time would give her enough distance from the memories, to look at them all like she still looks at him. The fact that it's clearly still difficult for her breaks his heart a little.
She turns dry if slightly red-rimmed eyes to him when she hears his footsteps and he eases his fingers into her hair, tipping her head back gently so he can kiss her. She relaxes a little with it, moving to rest her cheek against his chest as he stops at her side. Cupping her head gently in his palm, he brushes his thumb against the tender skin at the back of her ear, in time with her slowly calming exhales against his shirt.
She's not big on displaying her affection in front of others, even her family, but there was the smallest hint of vulnerability in her eyes that told him that this is okay. That whatever they were speaking about means she needs it. When he looks up Jim looks concerned and a little hurt at the way that she's all but relaxed against him, but even through that there's something like happiness lingering at the back of her dad's expression as he watches the two of them. Smiling, he turns his attention back to Kate as she grazes the tips of her fingers against his stomach through his shirt.
"Shower's all yours," he murmurs softly, grinning at her. "Still worth every penny."
"Small fortune you mean, rich boy," she mutters, her voice a little hoarse but her final taunt gentle and teasing and for his ears alone as she turns to her dad. "Rick's had the master bedroom and bathroom completely remodelled since we were last out here, he's spent the week evaluating the result."
"And the results have shown that I do have excellent taste. I chose you after all," he points out, grinning as Jim chuckles. Kate swats at his chest, but there's laughter in her eyes as she stands up, lingering in his space for a moment. She's shaking, slightly, and he curls his fingers against her hips to steady her. She reaches a hand up to touch his ear lightly in silent thanks. "Go get a shower," he tells her, brushing his lips against her cheek. "Give me and your dad a chance to catch up, talk about you a little," he teases, raising his eyebrows. She smiles a little but nods quietly, flicking a soft glance to her dad before heading towards the house.
"Jim, can I get you some tea? Coffee?" he asks quietly as she retreats, eyeing the seat Kate vacated for a second but changing his mind before she even reaches the door.
"Coffee would be great, Rick," Jim tells him, tipping a head towards the house knowingly. "And I don't think my daughter would say no to a hug either, while you're in there."
"Affirmative," he answers with a tight smile, turning back to the house. She is leaning against the back of the couch with a hand covering her face when he steps inside, and he makes his way over, leaning quietly next to her until she lets her weight drop against him.
"I thought this was getting better," she murmurs, her voice soft and raspy with frustration as she laces shaky fingers with his. He sighs softly, resting his cheek against her hair.
"We've been on our own all week, remember," he points out softly, stroking the back of her hand gently with his thumb. "And it's never been me."
"It shouldn't be my father in the first place," she snaps quietly, squeezing her eyes shut tightly the second the words leave her mouth. "Sorry," she whispers a second later, gripping his fingers a little tighter. "Sorry. I didn't…"
"Hush," he murmurs, disentangling their fingers to wrap his arms around her. "Just close your eyes for a minute." He feels her nod against his chest and he smiles, easing his fingers against her neck. She takes a couple of tremulous breaths as she gets her thoughts together, her hands trapped between them and fisted against his stomach to stop the slight tremor. Eventually her breathing slows and steadies, and he squeezes the back of her neck gently, feeling the muscles give a little under his touch.
"I hate this," she murmurs eventually, snaking her arms around his waist and holding on tight.
"I know you do," he whispers, sliding his palm down her spine gently before bringing it back up to work gently on her shoulder. Her injured muscles take a little longer to succumb to his touch, but he isn't worried about time when she's starting to relax against him. "You said yourself though, we had a rough night," he murmurs, brushing her hair back from her face so he can speak against her temple, "and it's the first time we've really seen anyone since we came out here." She looks up at that, and her eyes are wide and dark but free from tears. A smile starts to slip across her lips, and he watches, mesmerised.
"You know how much I appreciate us coming out here, right?" she asks softly, the slight tremor in her words and the fact that she's a little more wordy than usual the real lingering signs of her panic. "You need to know that," she adds quietly.
"I know," he murmurs, brushing a kiss against her temple. She sighs softly and returns his kiss with her lips against his jaw, nodding gently.
"I'm really glad it's never you," she whispers, stretching up on her tiptoes to kiss his lips. A smile crosses his lips then, and he slides his hand up to tangle loosely in her hair. He doesn't think he would have coped if it had been him.
That might have been the thing that broke both of them.
"Me too," he breathes when she breaks their surprisingly intense kiss to suck in gentle pants of air against his cheek. "More than you'll ever know." She nods slightly jerkily, catching his lips again in a kiss that leaves him breathless, too.
He doesn't know how long he stands there with her wrapped in his arms, but when he eventually drags his lips from hers they both really do need a moment to catch their breath. Her eyes are dark, sparkling pools when she finally opens them to him, and he brushes her hair off her face again with a smile.
"Go grab a shower," he murmurs, stepping away to head for the kitchen. "Give me a chance to get some more embarrassing childhood stories out of your dad."
Her laughter as she walks through to the bedroom keeps a smile on his face until he steps back out onto the deck and passes Jim a cup of coffee.
"How is my daughter really doing, Rick?" Jim asks, and as he pulls Kate's vacated chair back to its normal position and sits down Rick can see the true extent of his concern and the worry etched on the older man's face. He feels guilty all over again for taking Kate away from the people who have been so worried about her, and even though he knows it was what she needed, it's why he organised today. The fact that the end of their first week happened to fall on the Labor Day weekend had really just been a happy coincidence. Running a hand through his hair and taking a sip of his own mug of tea, he turns his attention back to Jim's question.
"She's doing alright," he answers honestly, rubbing his thumb against the rim of his mug and deciding to ignore the question and dive straight in at the crux. "You know that her reaction isn't any reflection on you, don't you?" he asks. The expression on Jim's face gives him all the answer he needs, but it hurts. "She hates it. That's what we were talking about in there just now." Jim nods slowly, and Rick leans over to rest a hand on his arm. "But she's not reacting to you, she's reacting to… everything that's happened. And she's reacting to everyone else that she loves, as well. Lanie, the boys…" he sighs, shaking his head. "And I realise that taking her away from you, and from everyone else might not have seemed like a very fair thing to do, but it seemed like the only thing I could do, because her reactions would have been a lot worse than this if we'd stayed. I really think that would have been worse for everyone, even if it seems like I'm just being selfish. And she's… smiling again, Jim. Laughing. She's really laughing and she's goofing around and she's actually sleeping, for the most part, and I don't think that I can apologise for any of that."
"I wouldn't ask you to, Rick," Jim tells him. "And I don't think you've been selfish." He pauses, and Rick sucks in a breath that feels strangely like relief. "Is she really… doing all that?" Jim asks eventually, a smile breaking his lips as Rick nods.
"She is. I would be lying if I told you it was all the time, but she really is."
"I'm glad she's got you," Jim tells him, relaxing back in his seat. "My Katie, she's always been a bit of a solitary one, especially since…" he shakes his head sharply, flicking his eyes up to the sky briefly. "I'm just glad she's realising that it's okay to be happy." Rick nods slowly, finding his own eyes suspiciously moist. There's something about a father's approval, and somehow he thinks he'll look at Alexis's relationships with new eyes. Shaking his head slightly at the just plain scary thought, he offers Jim a smile, settling back into his seat as they lapse into a comfortable silence. He's just pondering the fact that the Hamptons seem to be bestowing their calming effect on Kate's father too, when he poses another, quiet question. "How are you doing, Rick?"
The question doesn't exactly catch him off guard, but he lets out a heavy sigh as he tries to process exactly how he is doing.
"Getting there," he offers eventually, at a loss for more words. "We… really did have a rough night, and that was as much to do with me as her, but we're…" he shrugs, searching his brain for the words, "doing it together?" He laughs then, receiving a slightly bemused look in return. "And I really don't mean that the way it sounds. For a writer, you'd think I'd be able to express that a little more eloquently."
"I think in situations like this you're allowed to let your actions speak louder than words, even if it goes against the writer in you," Jim offers with a chuckle. "And for the record, I want to know absolutely nothing about the other inference of those words."
"Dad?" He's still trying to think up a suitable response when Alexis's distinctive voice echoes through the house, and he can't stop the smile that breaks across his face. He's missed his daughter more than he can put into words this week, even though she's been at college for a year now and he's used to her not being around as much these days.
"Out here, pumpkin," he calls, rubbing a hand across his face and turning back to Kate's father. One look at his face tells him that he doesn't need to bother hiding his joy at his daughter's arrival.
"Sometimes I still forget that you know what it's like to have a daughter," Jim comments, his smile now warm and genuine. "Katie tells me you miss her while she's at college?"
"Like I've lost a limb," he agrees readily, grinning against the pain of the words. "I'm not sure what I'd do if Skype didn't exist to be honest," he chuckles, unashamed by his love for his little girl. There's more than recognition in the other man's face, and it stops him from getting up straight away. "You do… know I'm doing everything I can to take good care of yours too, right?" he asks, waving a hand at the way it sounds. If there's anyone who doesn't need to be taken care of its Kate, but he loves that she lets him do it anyway.
"Never had a doubt," Jim tells him quietly, tipping his head towards the house. "Just make sure you let her take care of you, too. Now, go say hi to your daughter." Grinning, Rick all but bounds towards he house with an energy he didn't think he would find today, but by the time he makes it through the doors Kate has beaten him to his daughter and the sight of them hugging stops him in his tracks.
"Richard, darling!" His mother swoops through at that point in her traditional dramatic fashion, and he opens his arms for her. "It's so lovely to see you both," she declares, her eyes flitting over his shoulder, "and Jim, welcome!" Rick laughs, releasing his mother so that she can greet Jim and shrugging slightly as Kate meets his eyes. Maybe his mother can give Jim the tour instead, he muses. Alexis all but slams into him at that point, and he has to close his eyes tightly to stop the overwhelming rush of emotions that hit him at the feel and the smell of his little girl that he knows so well.
"Hi, pumpkin," he mumbles, choked. She clings onto him tightly, and he lifts her off her feet for a moment, laughing through the tears that threaten.
"It's good to see you, dad," she whispers against his chest, and he squeezes her a little tighter, the rest of the room forgotten until Kate lays a gentle hand on his arm. Her eyes are warm when he meets them, and when she smiles and nods a little, he realises that she was just checking that he was okay. The fact that she knew to check in the first place makes his heart beat a little bit faster as he tightens his hold on his daughter even more.
He's always been a family man.
It's just that now, his family is two bigger.
tbc
