Summary: Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
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3) Bran falls from the Tower or How Honour broke the Fall.
"No more climbing" his mother had scolded him. As always, he had promised he wouldn't do it again, and as always she had seen right through his lie.
I never fall, Bran Stark thought to himself. I can go climbing again and she'll never know. So up the broken tower he went, just like he had done hundreds of times before: one hand gripping a ledge, one foot in a cranny, fingers inside a crack in the wall, one knee on a windowsill.
He kept climbing until he started to hear voices. Nobody comes to this tower, he thought. The voices were hushed and they sounded like moans, but he couldn't distinguish who they belonged to. A curious little boy, he wanted to listen in to their conversation. He wondered who they could be and what they could be talking about. And why they would be hiding in a tower nobody ever came to! So he crawled his way to the window on the third floor, climbed up the tiles, clambered up the side wall and reached the window on the fifth floor. He stopped dead in his tracks when he peeked inside and saw them: the Queen and her brother.
His overactive imagination started pouring ideas as to what they might be doing: secretly conspiring against the King, planning a surprise party for the feast, gossiping about the people in Winterfell and his own family, playing a silly game of cyvasse. All sort of ideas came to his head. And so absorbed in his own world was he that he never saw the arm reach out and grab him by the shirt. Only then did he realize they were half naked. He took in Cersei's position on the floor, their flushed faces, their disheveled hair, their lack of clothing and realized what was going on. They were doing the same thing those people were doing in the illustrations of those books Theon kept under his bed. They were doing love. No, not doing. Making. He was never sure of the terminology. Bu he knew what it was. And he knew it was wrong. She was a married woman and they were brother and sister!
He pleaded with them and promised them he would not tell. But they did not believe him. I really need to learn how to lie, he chastised himself. He was still hanging off the window grabbed by Jamie Lannister when suddenly the man loosened the hold on his shirt slightly. His hopes rose momentarily. But then Jamie turned to Cersei again, and without sparing a glance on Bran he just let go.
"The things I do for Love" was the last thing Bran heard Jamie say before he started to fall. He flailed his arms about and kicked his legs trying to get a hold of a ledge or a jutting rock. The voices seemed far and the two faces on the window were getting smaller. He was about to hit the ground.
Suddenly his hand found a surface he could hold on to. It was the gargoyle just above the second floor. He was able to grab on, but could not find his footing to climb up. So he was stuck there: no way to climb up and no chance of sliding himself down to safety. He wondered how long he would be able to hold. Looking down he spotted his direwolf obediently waiting for him on the ground.
"Summer, help!" he whispered loudly. He couldn't risk yelling in case the Queen and her brother came back for him. "Summer, go get help" he tried again.
After what felt like an eternity he saw his oldest brother Robb, his half brother Jon and their ward Theon run to the tower following his wolf. At the same time he saw the Queen and her brother exit the tower. They looked up at him, and for a minute he thought they would try to bring him down. But then they saw Robb, Theon and Jon coming so they scampered behind the bushes and ran away back into the castle walls.
"Hanging around, little brother?" Robb teased him from the ground.
"Hang on Bran!" Jon joined in the banter.
"Do you need a hand?" joked Theon
"Oh, stop teasing and come help me. Please!" Bran told his brothers tired of their silly puns.
The three older boys ran inside the tower and climbed up the stairs to the third floor. They reached down from the window but could not get to him. So Robb climbed out and started sliding down the wall while Jon and Theon held his legs. When Robb finally reached Brans's arms, he grabbed him and in turn, Bran gripped Robb's arms tightly with his hands. When they were secured, Jon and Theon pulled them up and through the window. Once safe on the third floor Bran let out a big sigh of relief.
"So, what was it that mother told you, you little rascal?" Robb teased him again.
"Oh, shut up. I know what I'm doing. I know how to climb and I never fall!" he said defensively.
"Yes, I can see that" chuckled Jon.
"I do!" he yelled back at his brothers. "I did not fall. I was pushed."
"Pushed? By whom?" Robb asked, his tone turning more serious.
"The Queen and her brother Jamie"
"Why would they push you? And what would they be doing here? Were they hiding in the tower?"
"They were alone and wearing no clothes. They looked like the people on Theon's books. They were making the love."
"Making love, you mean. And you see, my books are a great source of knowledge" Theon said smugly.
"Hush!" Robb warned him. "These are very serious accusations Bran."
"I know"
"We need to speak to Father" Robb said and they quickly left the tower and went in search of their father.
The four boys ran all the way back to the castle, sprinted up the stairs and burst into their father's solar. They were panting and out of breath by the time they met their father. Unfortunately he was not alone. He was talking to their mother and the King himself.
"Children, what are you doing here? And what sort of entrance is that?" their father scolded them. "We're having a meeting. Please leave and come back later."
"Father we need to talk to you" said Robb.
"It will have to wait" their father replied evenly.
"No! It can't wait!" yelled Bran. "I was climbing the Broken Tower when I found the Que…"
"You were what?" his mother interrupted him. "You were told not to climb! You are grounded for a week. Two weeks. No, make it three weeks!" Catelyn's face went red.
"Now it's not the time, mother" he replied leaving his mother in a state of confusion.
"Grounded, that means you need to stay ON the ground lad! Ha Ha!" the King joked.
"Now it's not the time!" Bran replied and upon seeing his parents' stern look he realized his mistake. "Your Grace" he added belatedly. Nobody dared utter another word waiting for the King's reaction.
"Bran, what is going on?" his father asked breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"I was climbing the Broken Tower when I heard voices coming from one of the windows. I reached the top floor and I saw them. It was Jamie Lannister and the Queen" he started. "Your wife, Your Grace" he turned to King Robert. "They were not wearing any clothes and they were making the passion like those people in Theon's books" he said dubitatively.
"Making the Passion?" the King asked confused.
"Making love" Robb explained. "Doing it" he gestured with his hands.
"Having sex" added Jon. "Bedding"
"Fucking" Theon finished. "The beast with two backs"
"The naked pretzel" said Robb
"Pretzel?" asked the King.
"Yes, it's a kind of pastry very popular here in the North" Ned explained. "It's like a biscuit. You get the dough, you roll it into a long line, kind of like a snake, and you pull the ends back together in a very intricate design. But I digress."
"That is indeed an interesting expression. I suppose I need to try one of these pretzels before I leave" chuckled the King.
"Your Grace, your wife was sleeping with her brother!" Jon said bluntly.
"No! That can't be!" the King yelled outraged. "That's preposterous. It's a lie!"
"My children would never lie" said Ned. "We raise them in honor and truth."
"And Duty and Family" added Catelyn.
"You are right" the King finally said calming down. "Did you see them boy?"
"Yes, I did, Your Grace. And they saw me. Jamie Lannister grabbed me through the window and then pushed me down."
"My sweet boy!" exclaimed a worried Catelyn. "Did you fall? Are you hurt?"
"I'm alright Mother" Bran reassured her. "As I was falling I managed to get a hold of the gargoyle by the second floor, I sent Summer to get help and then Robb, Jon and Theon pulled me up."
"This is serious, very serious" the King said deep in thought.
"Your Grace" Ned started hesitantly. "I have just realized something. Robb has my wife's coloring but he has my nose. Sansa has her mother's hair but she has my ears. Arya looks like me, but she has her mother's freckles. Bran has a mixture of both my wife and I. Rickon has my wife's family red hair but he has my face. Jon has my .. his .. mhh" he suddenly stopped himself and looked at his wife who suddenly found herself tensing up, clenching her jaw and fisting her knuckles. "I mean .. Jon .." he continued not sure how to get out of this mess he had gotten himself into. "But I digress."
"Ned, get to the point" the King ordered him sternly.
"Yes, I'm sorry. What I mean is that your children are all Lannister. They are blond, paled skinned and with clear eyes. Just like your wife. Just like Jamie Lannister. And just like their brother Tyrion and their father Tywin."
"Do you mean to say that my wife has been sleeping with her brothers and father and that my children aren't mine? Oh! That whore! If I were to guess I would say Joffrey is Tywin's, Myrcella is Jamie's and Tommen is Tyrion's."
"Actually, Your Grace, I think it's just her brother Jamie" said Robb.
"Your're right, of course, that makes sense. She hates Tyrion and I don't think old Tywin has any arrows left in his quiver, if you catch my drift. Ha ha! Old Tywin's wine casket is empty, there's no more milk in his jug."
"We understand, Your Grace, Thank you" Catelyn politely stopped him.
"So do you think all my children are bastards?" the King asked his audience and they all nodded in turn. "This is bad, very bad" he continued shaking his head. "Ned, call a meeting. Summon my wife and her brother!"
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When Cersei and Jamie were shown into the solar, they were very confused to find almost all the Stark family and King Robert. Lord and Lady Stark looked apologetic, Robb seemed stoic and proud of the part he had played, Bran seemed worried and insecure, Theon was grinning smugly, Jon looked out of sorts, probably still reeling from what his father had been about to reveal – the identity of his mother. And Robert was fuming. You could practically see the smoke coming out of his ears.
"You whore!" the King roared as soon as he saw his wife. "You traitorous cunt" he accused his goodbrother.
"Robert, what is this about?" the Queen asked. "I demand an explanation before I am so cheaply insulted"
"The boy saw you! You two were fucking! You game is over!"
"I would never!" Cersei exclaimed indignantly.
"Quiet woman! The boy saw you" Robert bellowed. "Lad, tell this whore what you saw" he gestured to Bran.
"I .. I … I was …the tower .. and you .. I" Bran found himself unable to elaborate.
"Oh, quiet boy! You need to man up and grow a pair!" Robert interrupted him impatiently. "The boy here says he saw you two fucking in the tower and that then you pushed him out the window!"
"That's a lie" claimed Jamie. "Your Grace I would never do that."
"Quiet you golden shit! You will both be executed for treason!" he groaned and everybody gasped.
"Robert, you can't be serious" cried Cersei. "Are you telling me you are trusting the word of a nine-year-old over ours and judging us guilty based solely on the rambling lies of a child?"
"Of course I am! He is not just a child. He is a Stark. And he is not lying. Starks are renowned for their honor and truthfulness. Never doubt what a Stark says. I trusted Ned when we were young fostering with Jon Arryn. I trusted Ned during the Rebellion. I believed Ned when he told me he had found Lyanna in the Tower of Joy and that there was just a body to bring back. I trust him now to make him my Hand. And by extension I trust his family. Besides, I cannot really pinpoint what it is, but something tells me you Lannisters are not to be trusted. I have this ominous feeling that the Starks are inherently good and honest while the Lannisters are conniving and treacherous. So yes, I am judging you and sentencing you based solely on the word of a Stark" he finished.
Silence filled the room. The Starks tried to make themselves smaller to become as inconspicuous as possible. Cersei and Jamie were too dumbfounded to even reply. They just could not go against that logic.
The Royal family made preparations to leave Winterfell the following day. Jamie Lannister would be sent to the Wall as a traitor and Cersei would be banished to Casterly Rock stripped of all her titles. Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen, who were innocent in all this, would be taken as wards by King Robert and would remain in the capital, but no titles and honors would pass on to them. As gratitude for helping him sort this mess, Robert offered Ned the position of Hand of the King, which he respectfully declined.
On his journey back to King's Landing, Robert was pondering on all the important decisions he would have to make now. First and foremost he needed a new Hand. He would have to ask his brothers. King Robert also had the arduous task of finding himself a new wife. A list of possible women started forming in his head: freshly widowed Lysa Arryn, but people said she was mad; Margaery Tyrell, she would bring a nice dowry; the oldest of the Stark girls, Sansa, to cement his friendship with the Starks, but she is too young, she probably hasn't bled yet, I could wait, but I need a woman now, Sansa is very beautiful indeed, she has her mother's features and a lot of her father's, I do like her father but… But I digress …
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Up next: Shireen is burned ... or not ...
