Apologies for my inactivity! I had thought I updated FFN but I guess I was wrong, aahhh! But that means, you guys now get TWO chapters in one day! This current chapter will be VERY dark. There's also some art with it from the Big Bang and a wonderful friend.

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"And if you had a bad week

I will sing you to sleep

Oh and I'll be there waiting

If you start to get jaded

I know things are changing

But, darling, I'm saying

I've been here all along"

Dog Years- Maggie Rogers


It happens with my dick in my hands.

No, really.

I'm in the school bathroom taking a piss when I feel someone's hot breath across my cheek.

"Hey, Killua.."

I almost piss all over myself, flinching and taking several fucking steps back. Fear and embarrassment coursing through me.

"Yo! Shit! What the fuck, man?!" My voice echoes off bathroom walls, my previous emotions giving way to anger as I stare down the rotund form of Tonpa. An all-around weird motherfucker who popped way too much X, in my opinion.

The tan skin of his cheeks turns a deep red, he at least has the decency to look properly abashed. "Oh! I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-" He starts when I interrupt him.

"Didn't mean to sneak up on a dude when he's taking a piss?" It's at this point I realize my dick is still hanging out, my face flushing while I try and obtain some semblance of fucking modesty.

No one needs to hear about how Tonpa saw my dick in the school bathroom.

"I didn't mean it like that!" He insists, looking a little angry at my accusations this time. I sigh, shaking my head and trying to move on from the humiliation.

After my privates are actually private, I wash my hands thoroughly in the school bathroom sink. Gazing at Tonpa through the school mirror, "What the fuck do you want, anyway?"

"Do you have-" He pauses, looking around before checking below bathroom stalls for anyone else inside.

Ah. I get it, now.

Ah, fuck. Someone used up all the damn napkins!

Fuck it, I'll use my pants.

"Do you have the stuff?" He asks, conspiratorially and leaning closer to me.

My eyes narrow, "There was no way you could wait until after my dick was back in my pants before asking that question?"

"I said I was sorry!" He's wide eyed and waving his hands in front of him in defense.

I sigh before digging into my bag, fingers finding the secret pouch I had sewn into the lining where I hid my contraband. There was no way in hell that the school's hardass, Vice Principal Bisky, was ever going to random search me and find shit.

"How much do you want?" Fingers finding purchase within the lining and making contact with baggies.

"I only have 20 bucks on me, right now." He replies and I nod.

"Then you'll only get 20 bucks' worth. Two tabs."

Tonpa seems flabbergasted, "What?! I got three tabs for the same price just a few weeks ago!" His face deepens into that red shade again, clearly unhappy at the abrupt change. Whatever, it was his fault for always buying up my X pills anyway.

Shrugging, I reply "What can I say? Fucking inflation. You get two or you can get the fuck out." My head nods behind him to the bathroom's door.

I wasn't the one who set prices, in any case, Hisoka was. And after asking him to double up on the pills, he had decided to run them for a greater turnover and profit rate.

Drug dealing, though illegal, was still a fucking business.

My parents should be proud.

"Alright, fine. Two is good."

We exchange money and drugs before Tonpa walks out and all is quiet again inside Padokea High's boy's restroom.

It's been two weeks since my concussion and I'd only just been back to school a couple days, having to opt out for half days recently due to my head injury. If that wasn't the worst part, my parents had also taken away my car as they doubted my ability to even fucking drive. Our butlers Tsubone or Gotoh were always waiting, parked in an incredibly expensive looking sedan either at school or driveway at home.

I assume this was half concern for my well being and half wanting to keep me home to exert more control but if they thought I wouldn't bust ass to dodge them, they were wrong.

I had to get creative in the ways me and my sister avoided my brothers and mother. Sometimes Alluka would hide in my room or on the few days she got too antsy, we would hang out in a much smaller estate down the long driveway belonging to the Butler's.

I hardly had the chance to see Meruem or Moogs outside a few shared classes and a lunch period at school, it felt weird as fuck and I knew it affected my sister.

But today was the day. Gotoh handing off the keys to me in lieu of my mother this morning felt like the fucking highlight of goddamn life—okay, maybe my year, not my life.

Walking through Moogs' house earlier was like finding sanctuary, Alluka had sped off like a rocket straight to Moogs' room, knowing the layout of the place even with her eyes closed. Moogs' house was the one place besides the mansion we spent most of our time at, unless I was out running a few not-so-legal errands with Mer.

Beyond this fucking bathroom debacle, today has been going pretty well and I was in absolute goddamn relief about it. Me and my sister would finally be able to stay away from the mansion after school until mother called us back home for dinner or some other stupid excuse.

I'm headed back to Knov's class when my phone pings with a notification in my pocket. A text message from an unsaved number.

Yo Killua! Herd u have sum free time, come chill on the 4th floor!

It doesn't take me long to realize the text message is from Shalnark with his shitty lingo.

I guess Tonpa's already opened his big ass mouth..

When it came to drug dealing, I took every precaution necessary. Even going so far as to tell every customer not to call or text or even fucking email me about any drug deals whatsoever. Asking to "chill" was my calling card.

If, for any reason, sneaking suspicion arose and I was checked all that would be found are messages from 'friends' asking me to hang out with them. Innocent high school kid shit.

How long had I been gone from class already? Fuck it. Knov is already likely going to bitch me out for leaving so close to the bell, might as well make up for lost time and money

I was packing heavy since only half days were allowed these past two weeks. I needed to get rid of some shit.

The fourth floor was possibly one of the best and worst places at this school. It was an unfinished floor, half the hallway and class rooms made up while the other half had been under construction since the summer before my junior year.

It was the worst because my brilliant class mates used it as a floor to ditch, and it was turning into the grungiest part of the school since none of the school's staff ever bothered to clean it up.

People were always popping acid or X on this floor, taking a few tokes of weed and using it as their personal dumpster.

It was the best because at the end of the long hall, there was a door that opened to a staircase which lead up to the roof of the school. And no one ever went there, too obvious of a place to get caught doing anything.

But it was my own secret place, sometimes. When the world got too loud, when shit was too heavy and Moogs and Mer couldn't fix it, I would just go out and be alone. Sometimes I needed it.

"Yo, Kill! Down here! What's up, dude?" Shalnark's profile comes into view, chin length blonde hair looking more like a dirty possum on his head. He's a few steps away from the stairs, leaning against a wall near a closed classroom door.

He's with two dudes I notice as his constants, Uvogin and Feitan.

They sometimes made me uneasy. Uvogin was a huge dude, his height and brawn possibly matching Wonder Boy's. But Feitan was small-ridiculously small, smaller than fucking Alluka and he constantly hid behind dark black hair and hoodies. When I would come around, they just stared and that shit made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

The ironic thing about the entire situation was I sold drugs to all three of these dudes yet I'd never spoken a single word to either Uvogin or Feitan. Not that they were mute, I watched them talk and interact with Shalnark from afar sometimes but they never said anything to anyone else. Shalnark was my only connection to these fucks.

Coughing to clear my throat, I nod my head in greeting while approaching. "'Sup, man? The usual?" I offer, fingers flexing around the black straps of my bag.

The usual being several grams of weed.

Shalnark smiles, blue-green eyes still hazy from whatever he'd taken before I got up here. No wonder he's so goddamn cheery to see me.

"Yeah, dude! We ran out of Mer's stuff a little while ago and I heard you were back in school! You got injured, huh?" Glassy and unsettled eyes regard me, I have to bite back my discomfort. I hated dealing with people while they were high.

Sure, I was a dealer but that's it. I deal and they get the fuck away from me and do that shit somewhere else. Being around someone who was wildly under the influence was unsettling. It made them unpredictable, a little dangerous—hence Shalnark talking to me as if he isn't usually tight lipped or cautious smiling when I walk into a room.

My lips curl back in slight irritation and disgust.

"Yeah, just a small concussion. Nothing serious." I swing my backpack around to my front and fish out some preweighed baggies of weed before handing them over.

"Oh, fuck! You chill, man?" Shalnark's words ought to sound worried or surprised but he's chuckling instead. Uvogin and Feitan standing on either side of him with blank faces.

Creepy as fuck!

"Yeah, I'm cool." I summarize, because in reality I don't know any of these guys and they don't know me.

"Sweet!" Shalnark is already distracted with the baggies, pulling papers from his pocket and handing them to his short and dark haired friend, Feitan. He also passes me a few bills I know I need to count back before I leave. "Thanks for this shit, man." He's all giggles again and I don't know what he's under the influence of, only that I want no part in it.

Okay. Be cool, Kill, don't look too eager. 20, 40, 60, 70...And 75.

Cool, perfect. Paid in full.

With all the cash in hand and drugs already sold, I turn my back to them and begin heading out.

"Hey, listen, man." Shalnark calls, a sideways glance is all the guy is granted from me. "Do you uh-" His eyes search to and fro while he remains glued to his spot and my eyes narrow in confusion when he pauses for too long. "Uh, is there a way you can get me some 'shrooms?" He licks his lips and smiles, tentatively at his own request.

'Shrooms-mushrooms, like acid, is something I never fucked with. It was hard shit that I witnessed as bad trips too many times. Mer was usually the one who would deal that part, we shared weed in common but shit like 'shrooms and acid were Mer's bread and butter. Ecstasy was mine.

It was a bit of an agreement we had, a way not to step on each other's toes and take away any money or clientele.

My head shakes back and forth. "Nah, man. That's not my forte, you'll have to hit up Mer for that."

"Oh, for sure, dude! Cool. See you later!" Shalnark gives me a short wave before turning back to his friends, it takes all my strength not to sneer when I watch Feitan nearly shove the blunt down the back of his throat.

Not that the weed will be tainted but who has to shove the entire wrap into their mouth like that? A little saliva is necessary but damn.

I don't bother replying, opting instead to finally take my ass back to class. Two deals was good enough for this afternoon, I'm sure Shalnark and Tonpa would put the word out that I was back and selling.

Knov's gonna have my ass for this.

Should I tell him I had explosive diarrhea?

"Pop quiz, everyone! I do hope you read your chapters last night, this entire test is based on them!" Knov's voice rang out loud as soon as my feet passed the class room doorstep.

Groans echo from my classmates while I take my seat and Knov comes around passing sheets out. I can feel the weight of his stare on the back of my head while I keep my glance pointedly down at my desk.

The rest of class is spent in silence while everyone bullshits the 10 chemistry questions Knov put together for us.

When the bell rings for lunch, I'm out of my seat in a flash but it's not quick enough.

"Killua, not so fast!" Knov's voice booms over the sound of clanging desks and shuffling feet.

A hand clasps my shoulder and Mer's face comes into my side view, giving me a wide eyed look. I know what he's saying, I'm thinking it.

Fuuuuck!

He squeezes briefly in reassurance, we speak without needing the words. We'd meet each other in the lunchroom after Knov gave me a fucking lecture.

Damn! Today's spicy chicken sandwich day, too!

Knov waits until every student has filtered out to address me, the minutes passing by feel more like hours. My palms start to sweat when I feel my rising anxiety.

My teacher pushes his glasses up higher on his nose, still sitting at his desk like he wasn't about to whoop my ass using his words.

I can feel my skin warm under the pressure, Knov clears his throat before he rises in his chair.

"Killua, would you mind explaining to me why a simple bathroom run took you 15 minutes?" His question sounds simple enough but the truth wouldn't be.

"Explosive diarrhea?" I offer up in a less than impressive tone, shrugging my shoulders.

Knov crosses his arms in front of his chest, standing at his full height. "Why do I feel as if I shouldn't believe you, Mr. Zoldyck?"

"I-"

He leans forward for a moment,"I am aware you've recently come back from an injury but-" He pulls back up and begins the small trek towards me "-it's no excuse to begin slacking off in class or to ditch. Now, I won't give you detention over this but I will say if you wish to use the restroom in my class again, someone will be chosen to escort you."

What.. The fuck?!

"I don't need a damn baby sitter t-"

"Apparently, you do." Knov interrupts. "It may seem something flimsy to you, Killua and I understand that. But when someone puts their trust in you, you don't throw it back in their face. When you give them your word, they will keep you at it-"

For fuck's sake!

My brows scrunch together, teeth gritting before I bite out. "This really can't be that big of a deal?!"

"Oh, but it is." Knov laughs without humor in his tone. "Killua, you're in your last year of high school and you've been tardy several times this month alone, I've spoken to other teachers. There haven't been enough to warrant a call home-yet. You're a brilliant kid, you excel in all of your courses but truant and delinquent behavior won't get you far. Not in high school and certainly not out in the real world when you're trying to make a living for yourself." He scolds and I balk.

Is he really going to play the role of the teacher who believes in his students potential? Is this a goddamn Hallmark special?

Sighing and scratching at my scalp to collect my calm. "Thanks for the concern, teach." Comes my reply, a short smile sent his way before I'm walking right past him.

"You should at least set an example for your sister."

I'm stopped dead in my tracks, hands balled to fists and hallway school lockers blur in my vision.

"I know you mean well but don't ever talk about my sister, again. You got that?" My voice is low, tone more threatening than intended but I don't really give a fuck. No one talks to me about my fucking sister, especially some bullshit Chemistry teacher who's never actually spoken to her more than a handful of times and even those in passing.

"I'm only trying-"

"That's great and all but I really think this conversation is over. I gotta get to lunch." I interrupt, hiking my bag up my back before getting the fuck out of dodge before he can say anything else.

Fuck Knov! What the fuck does he even know?!

And how could he mention my sister?! He doesn't know anything about Alluka, no one fucking does. No one but me, Mer and Moogs. We're her family and everyone else are just goddamn outsiders!

I wasn't setting a bad example for her, was I? The tardies were definitely my fucking fault but.. Was I teaching my sister that it was okay to be late? Or that some sort of bad behavior was excusable?

Moogs and Alluka were fully aware of the drug dealing Mer and I did. But we kept them out of the actual business of it, they never made contact with Hisoka, they never went along with me and Mer if we had to make a trip to someone's house for a deal. And the only reason Alluka was even fucking aware of my drug dealing was because it allowed me to also get her hormone therapy pills under the table. I would pay Hisoka for them out of my pocket and I didn't fucking ask where or how he got them, that part wasn't my business.

And drug dealing wasn't the end goal, it wasn't all I wanted to do with my fucking life but it made ends meet. It was a prosperous way out of the abusive shithole we live in. Everything I do, I do for her and us. Alluka is my number one priority, I would fucking die for her.

But I'll settle for giving her the best life I can, by any means necessary.

"Killua! Hey! Hey, Killua!"

My head turns out of sheer reflex to see a smiling and hulking Gon Freecss sprinting towards me. Literally. He's fucking sprinting across the empty hallway to me and it's a little fucking frightening. My muscles tighten, I freeze like a deer caught in headlights while this giant doofus runs the span of our distance before stopping a few feet in front of me.

What the fuck is going on today, man?

I hate the fact I have to crane my neck to look at Wonder Boy with his still too spiky hair. I really want to fucking know what he uses to keep it up like that. He wears a smile and that same lame ass Varsity jacket he likely even sleeps in.

"Hey! Hi! How are you?" He beams, not even sweating from the distance he ran, he's not even breathing hard. Fucking football players and their weird ass training.

"Uh? Hi?" Is my reply, because I'm really wondering why the hell Gon Freecss is even standing in front of me, right now.

I hadn't actually spoken to him since the incident with the skateboard, what with no school for a week and then half days. It wasn't as if seeking Gon out was my priority. If I'm being perfectly honest, I was kind of avoiding the dude. He made me nervous, the way he always smiled tripped me up. I found him interesting and that was enough a reason to bypass him, entirely.

"Hi!" He laughed and it kind of made my insides turn in a funny way. I crossed my arms over my chest to stop it. "Sorry to spring down the hall at you like that, I just haven't seen you in so long! I was a little worried that hitting your head was worse than we thought." He looks a little bashful at this, shoulders drooping slightly.

I can feel the heat crawl from my neck up to my face It irritates me a little that Gon's words, him voicing his worry makes me feel pin pricks like needles in my hands. My arms uncross and hands sink into jean pockets.

"Yeah, nah. It was just a concussion, wasn't even bad, really. I just had half days and shit and now I'm back, so…" My voice trails off, and I'm looking anywhere but at Gon Freecss. The freckles across his nose and lightly splattering under his brown eyes are not what I'm paying attention to-they are not!

Hmm.. this hallway is ugly even without a fucking concussion. Brown and then the lockers on either side of us are an off cream color which means they're light enough to stain and graffiti on with markers. Sorry ass interior decorator for this place.

"Oh! Okay, cool!" Gon makes me snap back to reality. "I-I heard your friend got his skateboard back from Kurapika, by the way!"

"Hmm? Oh." I snort, prompted by his words.

From what I heard, this Kurapika guy laid into Meruem. Scolded him really good about how skateboarding was against school policy to begin with and how he shouldn't be so careless. I wish I could have been there to see it! This, however, prompts another memory.

"Ah, shit! I didn't apologize to your friend, yet. That uhh" Wracking my brain for his name and coming up short before throwing in the towel. I sigh. "Whatever his name is, the one I hit with the board? I uh I haven't been to school so-wait, is that why you're here? To make sure I make good on my word? Because I told you I would, dude." My eyes narrow in suspicion, I hadn't thought Wonder Boy could go about things so underhanded. Then again, he was the one who said we didn't know each other.

He's wide eyed, shaking his head back and forth. I notice his hair doesn't shake with the force of it. "N-no! No! That's not why! I meant it when I said I wanted to make sure Killua was okay." He nods this time, urging me with big brown eyes to believe him.

Clearing my throat to ignore how prickly my skin feels, I reply. "In any case, I don't know who this dude is."

"Leorio? Oh. He's usually with his partner, Kurapika. I think they're doing a lab together this period, though. You'll see him later!" Gon reassures me in a classic happy-go-lucky way. How the hell is he always so cheery? Not that it's irritating it's just.. Fucking weird.

"Right. Well, anyway, I'm running late and gotta be somewhere so I'll see you later." I don't think my feet will carry me away fast enough from this weird as shit exchange.

"Mhm! Okay! Bye Killua!" He smiles and waves a goodbye at me.

Gon Freecss turns back the way he came, in a direction that's away from the cafeteria which surprises me slightly.

Then I decide to mind my own fucking business and go about my day.

I'm still buzzing a little, a weird feeling settling in my bones from seeing Gon Freecss.

I decide to ignore it.

Quiet and semi empty hallways give way to the hustle and bustle of the school lunchroom which wasn't even remotely large enough to hold all of Padokea High's students.

Who the fuck thought a few dozen tables would be enough for close to almost two thousand students?

I meandered my way around rectangle tables and benches, passing by half the school's population and barely glancing at the long ass line I refuse to fucking stand in for a damn school sandwich.

"Yo, Kill!" Mer calls me, beckoning me towards the table we sat in nearly everyday. Moogs was beside him, chatting with my baby sister across the table from her.

"Hey." I greet and sit beside Alluk before stealing the chocolate pudding from her tray and popping open the lid. Hello sweet, chocolatey fucking goodness!

"Hey! Brother!" Alluka takes notice, eyebrows furrowing before reaching out to swipe it back. I tease her and hold it away, stealing the plastic spork she has in addition using my other hand. "Get your own, buttface!" Her voice is shrill, face going red in frustration.

Gasping in mock hurt, I reply to my little sister. "How dare you, after all I've done, call me a buttface?!"

"You're acting like a butt!" She insists, loudly. "Give me my pudding, you butt!" She's nearly out of her seat and climbing me for it. The little brat!

"Nah, think I'll eat it 'cause you're being a brat." To make it a point, I scoop a heaping lump of jiggly pudding and stuff my mouth with it. "Mmm!" I hum around it and my sister rolls her eyes, huffing before sitting back on the bench with crossed arms. Yeah, she's my little brat.

"Dude, what the hell happened with Knov?" Mer grabs my attention, I turn my head to meet him before rolling my eyes.

I swallow slowly, stifling my anger with Knov's nosy ass. Also not wanting Alluka to know what he'd said, exactly.

"Just some bullsh-crap, dude." My tongue runs across my lip, scooping up heavenly chocolate residue. "He said if I go to the bathroom during his class again, I'll have to be escorted." My head shakes back and forth for a moment. A fucking escort? Seriously?

"What the hell?!" He pauses with his chicken sandwich mid-way to his mouth, green eyes wide and a look of disbelief written across his face.

"Yeah, man." I nod in agreement.

"Wait, why would you need an escort?" Moogs chimes in, not knowing the full story because we didn't share Knov's class with her.

"Kill took a dump during class and Knov was up in arms about it." Mer explains plainly before going back to his school made food.

Another heap of chocolate is thrown down my gullet before I reply to Meruem's bullshit answer. "I didn't take a dump! Tonpa snuck up on my-on me in the bathroom." A near slip up averted, not liking cursing around my sister in any form. I sneak a glance at her but she's already distracted with tendrils of her hair, playing with the beads she has sporadically decorated across.

"Dude, what?!" Mer near shouts, green eyes widening.

"Yeah, man! I was taking a damn piss-"

"Ew! Oh my god, brother, stop!" Alluka yells, cringing and blocking her ears.

"Ah, shut up. You act like you don't fart when you're around me."

"Shut up, you're so gross!" She's red in the face again and I can't help myself but to embarrass this adorable girl.

"Whatever, squirt." I spoon the rest of the chocolate pudding, stuffing it into my mouth before getting back to my conversation with Mer. "But yeah, dude. Tonpa snuck up behind me and I swear I almost died, bro. And then I got a text from Shalnark on the fourth floor, so-" I shrug in explanation and Mer nods in understanding.

"Oh, okay." Moogs pitches in, white hair bobbing up and down as she nods. "Yeah, now I see why Knov would be pissed. That was kind of stupid." She taps the tips of her fingers against her lower lip out of habit.

"Moogs, as always, the voice of reason." Mer laughs at Moogs' absolute bluntness. But that was just part of her character.

"But still, an escort?!" I complain, throwing my hands up in defeat before sighing.

"Knov is self-righteous as hell." Mer snides.

"He's an asswipe is what he is." I say and we all snort, sans Alluk.

"Anyway! Hey.. Brother.." Alluk knocks my shoulder with her own and gives me a sweet look that makes me immediately suspicious.

This was her 'I'm up to no good' look.

"No." Comes my immediate response.

Whenever this look appears, she asks for something ridiculous. Like a trip to the mall or she wants to miss school because getting up in the morning is hard as fuck.

"I haven't even asked you, yet!" She pouts.

Shrugging, I reply. "I get the feeling I want to say no, anyway."

"Brother!"

"Yes, baby sister?" Eyebrows raised in anticipation of her words, attention fully given to the attention seeker.

"Machi's having a house party this weekend and I want to go." She smiles, reaching for both my hands and cradling them, as if sweet moves will make me say yes to an insane fucking request like that.

"Absolutely fucking not."

Machi, a current classmate in my grade, was an absolute party monster. This chick threw the most wildest fucking parties this side of the country and she throws them only twice a year. I've never been to one but rumors spread, even to my inner circle. And those parties are not a place I'd like to end up going.

People ended up in the hospital those nights, cops almost always broke it up because neighbors called, property damage of some sort was expected.

"What?!" Alluka looked almost crestfallen. Fuck that, I'm not faltering.

"Kill, come on. You can't just flat out deny her like that." Moogs tries to convince me otherwise and for some reason I feel like they're conspiring against me.

"I sure as shit can!"

"Language!" She scolds, looking seemingly exasperated, blue eyes widening and black eyebrows lifting. Goddamn my word vomit!

"Come on! Come on, please! You know mother won't let me out unless I'm with you! And-and, added bonus! If you come with me, then you can watch over me and make sure no funny business happens!" Alluka begs me, shaking my arm back and forth. Her lips are set in a pout, blue eyes getting big like Puss in boots.

Ah, fuck!

"Why do you want to go, anyway?!" I pull my arm out of her hold, rubbing how sore my shoulder feels from the rapid back and forth. "Do you know what happens at most of Machi's parties?"

She nods, rapidly. "Everyone has a great time and lives to tell the story!" Alluk's smile a mile wide across her face.

I snort. "Barely. The cops hit that place nearly every time. On top of that, didn't Ikalgo get alcohol poisoning one weekend?" Last part directed at my boy, Mer.

"That was his fault!" Alluka jumps into my view, blocking Meruem.

"Alluka doesn't even drink, dude." Mer's voice is thrown and my sister finally takes a step back, only to smile and nod along with my best friend.

Traitors, all of them!

"That's not the point! Other people do!" It didn't matter what my sister would do for precautions, if some drunk asshole wanted to try something, then they would.

"Kill, you can't keep her cooped up like this. Let her have some fun." Moogs tries to convince me.

"Thank you, Moogsy." Alluka replies looking seemingly pleased.

"Yeah, dude." Mer sighs and I knew I lost the fight. "I gotta agree with Moogsy on this. Besides, we'll be with you-"

"No, we will not." Moogs cuts in quickly.

"What?" Me and Mer ask at the same time. Because what?!

"Youpi's recital is this weekend, babe." Moogs pops a fry in her mouth, brows furrowed likely in frustration that Mer has the memory of a goldfish.

"Aw, damn! That's this weekend?!" Mer hunches over in thought, elbows resting wide on the cheap plastic table.

Moogs is in the middle of munching on a fry when she replies, head nodding and blue eyes staring into the distance. "Mhm!"

"Well, damn." Mer shrugs, turning to me and tilting his head. "Guess you're on your own with this, then." He says.

Goddamnit!

"You fuckers are going to make me go to a party I don't want to go to and I have to go without you?!" I throw my spork down in a fit, sighing in irritation. My hands scrub over my face and I growl. This is going to be hell, I hate people, I fucking hate parties! Shit!

"Yes!" Alluka yells, jumping up and down in her seat. "Thank you, thank you, thank you brother! I love you!" She squeals, clapping her hands together before laying a kiss on my cheek.

I didn't even fucking say yes!

But before a word can escape my mouth, Alluka is already skipping off across the lunch room and towards her friends.

Who am I kidding? I would have said yes eventually.

Fuck.

"Hey, at least you guys could come back to my place afterward? I'm sure your parents wouldn't exactly agree with you guys stumbling through their doors at 1 A.M. or something." Moogs offers and the suggestion isn't bad.

But, fuck.

"I hadn't even considered that." I groan. There was no way me and Alluka could fucking sneak out at night only to stumble inside later and likely louder. My mother would ground me for life, my brother's would watch us like fucking hawks.

"Babe, we're hosting a sleepover?!" Mer is excited, we hadn't had one since summer. Alluka not wanting to stay around home and my feelings the same.

"I could ask my mom, yeah." Moogs shrugs and my smile grows to match Mer's. Fuck yeah!

"Dude, I fucking miss Pitou's cooking!"

Moogs' mom could be a fucking chef, I swear to god. That woman had otherworldly skills and I had been missing out on that shit due to my having a stupid ass concussion.

Mer laughs. "You're telling me! It's just been my fatass eating up her food lately, she's pissed!" Mer leans forward toward me. "Dude, I swear I thought she would hit me over the head with a frying pan." His eyebrows go up, eyes widening in exaggeration.

I don't bother covering my mouth when I throw my head back in laughter.

Mer, like me and Alluka was always at Moogs' place.

Not just because they were a couple, but because his mother was constantly working. That was Mer's reason for always dealing the hard shit. X and weed could always only get you so far when you've got more than one person dealing at the end of the day. Mer wasn't granted the privilege I was, he didn't live in a several story home, he wasn't gifted cars, he didn't have butlers.

All Mer had was his mother, Kim. And she was one of the most hardest working women I'd ever met in my life, busting her ass with several jobs just to keep the lights on since I could remember. Mer and I weren't legal to work yet which is how this seedy drug dealing business got started. He deals to put food on the table and keep the lights on,I deal to provide at least some kind of cushion to fall back onto when things get rough and hit the fucking fan with my family, which I know it will, eventually.

We do all we have to for the ones we love, it's something Mer and I were the same at heart with, not having to say it out loud. It's another factor that made our bond strong.

My cell phone vibrates rather violently in my pocket, and a quick glance at the screen alerts me that "Mother" is calling. Apparently, happy moments aren't allowed to stay happy for long in my life.

Nothing good ever comes when this fucking woman calls me.

"Hey, I'll be right back." I tell the couple sitting across me and Mer nods in acknowledgement before I pull off the bench and rush through the back of the cafeteria and outside to a quiet spot. My phone is still vibrating in my hand.

I have to clear my throat before I answer, feeling dread pool in my gut. "Hello?"

"Killu! My dear boy, I have some exciting news!" My mother chirps, happily. I get the feeling she's likely past her third wine glass even though it's the middle of the day.

And good news from my mother usually meant bad news. Bad news is not something I wanted to hear today.

"What news?" I bite.

"Yes! Yes, dear! Your father will be coming home tonight!" My mother sounds absolutely ecstatic, but her words knock me breathless like a kick to the stomach.

"What?!"

"He will be home for dinner with all of us, so I do expect you and your brother home promptly. Tsubone is making your father's favorite: prime rib!" She instructs while I shake my head back and forth.

"I-"

"Do make sure your brother dresses appropriately. You know how your father becomes when he see's such backward behavior!" She laughs and it sounds like nails against chalkboard.

My mother doesn't bother with a goodbye, simply hanging up as dismissal and leaving me frozen with a phone to my ear.

"Oh fuck… Oh fuck!" My hand drops before I use the other to comb through my shitty, thick hair. My stomach churns, feeling as if the pudding I previously scarfed down was about to make its way back up and out.

"Hey, are you alright?" An unfamiliar voice calls from beside me, black laced up dress shoes in my periphery before I shift. Looking up to meet two pairs of eyes.

A blonde guy with brown eyes standing next to another who was not only several inches taller than him with brown hair and funky glasses, but he looked a little too old to still even be a teenager. I don't know which of them spoke to me.

Am I alright? Am I fucking alright?!

"I-"

"Sorry, is your name Killua?" The one who asked me how I was doing is confirmed not to be the blonde, as his voice is softer, lighter.

I need to find Alluka..

Wait.

"What? Uh-yeah?" I blink, unaware of what to make with my current situation. Nothing was making sense right now, I only had the urge to find Alluka. Then run away with her and never fucking turn back.

The blonde looks smug, crossing arms over his chest and the guy beside him suddenly has wide eyes.

"C-can I help you?" My irritation is spiking, they're wasting my fucking time. I need to find my sister!

"Oh, sorry! My name is Leorio and this is my partner, Kurapika!" The John Lennon looking dude beside him says, a soft smile on his face and I balk.

You're fucking shitting me?

I do not have the time for this shit.

I blink, stumbling out of an irritated daze. "Look, I-I know I owe you an apology or whatever but I really do not have time for this right now." I know I'm being shitty, my tone is harsh, my words are harsher.

"Is something wrong?"

"The hell you don't!"

Both voices come at once, Leorio looks more concerned while his counterpart looks pissed. Downright offended.

"For fuck's-" I groan, pinching the spot between my eyes at the bridge of my nose. "Sorry for fucking knocking you over or whatever. You seem to be alright, I'm glad. But I need to go. Now." I shove past them, walking my way back towards the cafeteria doors.

"Hey." Leorio's voice calls out to me, hand clamping down on my shoulder to stop me. I bristle, turning back swiftly. "If there's something wrong-"

"I'm cool dude, thanks." I shove his hand off my shoulder, I don't have time to wonder why the fuck a complete stranger would be concerned or why his asshole stranger partner would be so fucking pissed off at me in the first place.

I don't care enough, anyway.

"You call that an apology, lowlife?!" The blonde, Kurapika yells after me while I pull lunchroom doors open. I snort in derision, raising my arm up to him and giving a thumbs up out of fucking spite.

"I do, Pikachu!" I remember the nickname Gon told me about and a swift glance back to them shows Leorio a little wide eyed and Kurapika pale as hell. Good.

If either of them says anything else to me, I don't hear it. I don't fucking care. Alluka is the only person I want-need to see, right now.

Silva, my father, is the most frightening man in my life. My mother and brothers used physical abuse to their advantage, but my father never had to raise a finger. His presence was ominous enough, the sound of his voice could make my bones rattle inside me.

And he was worse to Alluka. Neither of my parents believed she was a girl, my father was the most strict in this belief.

It was only lucky for us that he worked so often, he was hardly ever home before the late hours of night and he left early hours in the morning. Some nights he even slept at his own office. When he came home at a decent time, it was a fucking event for the family but it was a nightmare for my sweet, baby sister.

Because she couldn't be a girl when he was around.

I find my little sister at a table in the middle of the lunch room, talking animatedly surrounded by her friends with the biggest smile. I bypass formalities with them, it's not as if they had the guts to speak to me, anyway.

"Hey, Alluka..."

She stops mid-sentence, turning to me and beaming. "Brother! Hi!"

"Alluka, we need to talk." My lips purse, heart races and my palms are starting to sweat so I have to stuff them into my pockets.

Her smile is wiped from her face at the sound of me using her full name and not her nickname.

"Wh-what's wrong?" She tries to put the smile back but it doesn't reach her eyes, I shake my head in reply. A part of me is panicking inside but I don't want her to know it.

"Come with me, yeah?" My head nods towards the cafeteria doors leading back into the school instead of out.

Her following me is the reply she gives, my hand wraps around hers protectively while speed walking out of the loud hell hole that was the school lunchroom. Everything felt a little too overwhelming. Too many bodies in one room, too much loud, just drowning in a cacophony of sound.

"Okay, will you tell me what's wrong now?" She asks when we've reached a decent hallway, hardly any students lingering in between. She pulls her hand from mine, wiping it on her sweater dress and I inwardly cringe at my nervous sweating.

I sigh, bending slightly to her eye level as we were nearly the same height. "I'm going to tell you something and I need you not to panic." Blue eyes bore into blue eyes.

"I'm panicking already, brother." She grimaces, searching my face as if it'll tell her all my secrets.

"Okay…" I take a deep breath, having to psyche myself up to tell her. "Okay, look. I'll protect you, I promise." I almost can't say the next part but push it out between a clenched jaw. "Father is coming home tonight."

"What?!" She squawks, going pale and my arms immediately wrap around her, pushing her head into the crook of my neck. She trembles against me.

"Hey, shh! No, it's okay. It'll be okay, he's come home before, Alluk. It'll be okay, yeah?" I speak into the crown of her head, her body is slightly limp against mine. I know she's dreading this, more than I could possibly imagine and it doesn't make this any fucking easier.

"I don't want to. Brother, I don't want to do it!" She whines, shaking her head against my chest. "I'm scared."

"It'll be okay." I promise her but I don't even fucking know if it will be.

I decide then and there that I don't want either of us to be around the school of assholes, so I lead Alluka up four stories, past the idiots ditching class and up to the roof of the school building. My baby sister doesn't make a sound of refusal the whole walkway up.

Fresh breeze hits our faces, blowing my sister's long hair back and ruffling her sweater dress. It's nearly September and the leaves on trees are changing color, the air getting slightly colder. But today is a nice day.

"It's pretty up here, brother." Alluk says from beside me, and she's right. You can see several miles long from the rooftop, hear the hustle and bustle of Padokea's city. Cars honking and kids yelling down below us. It's a little like being apart of the world without actually having to be in it.

I think it's what we both need at this current moment.

I lead my sister further towards the edge of the roof's building and we sit together.

My phone buzzes, a text from Mer.

Yo, where you at dude? What happened?

My fingers tap rapidly over touch keyboard.

Silva's coming home tonight. Needed to get Alluka out and calm. Shit I don't know man.

His reply comes seconds later, my sister leans over to read my screen. I almost elbow her nosy ass out of the way but resist the temptation.

Shit, bro!

Me and Moogs are here when you need us.

Alluka's breath catches, looking up to me with a watery smile.

"See? Everyone's here, Alluk." I rub her back, hoping to soothe her and she leans into me.

Alluka is our little sister, blood related or not. Our circle of three was a family and our pain was shared.

The rest of lunch goes by quickly, as does the rest of the day much to mine and my sister's dismay.

The ride home is tense, silent. I can't even bring myself to crack any kind of joke. There's a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, and if I open my mouth I could puke it all over my fucking steering wheel.

We bypass the greetings of our butlers who stand in the doorway of our mansion and I'm relieved when neither of my brothers nor my mother are in the living room when we arrive.

Alluka rushes past me, head down and walking at too fast a pace to be deemed normal.

"Alluk,-"

"I'll wait for you in my room."

My heart fucking breaks, feels like it shatters into a million pieces when my baby sister doesn't spare me another glance. She veers right and disappears through the long hallway, going to the exact place she promised to wait for me at. The quick pounding of her feet down stairway steps is all my ears catch before they softly fade away and a door is quickly opened, then closed.

"Ah, Killu! My dear, sweet boy! You're home now, wonderful! Your father should be home shortly, please get yourself out of those clothes and into something respectable!" My mother is smiling wide, teeth stark white like our matching hair.

But her eyes, like her heart, are a fucking pit.

Those clothes being my green skinny jeans, black muscle tee shirt and light blue sweater. Respectable. What she really meant was to dress more like my brothers. Button downs, loose fitting pants, combed hair.

My parents hated anything that wasn't traditional-they hated that Alluka was transgender, so much that they ignored it completely and considered her a boy.

Could only imagine what they'd do the day they found out their prodigal son was gay and had, in fact, sucked dick before.

My mother stood several inches above me, she pulled out her nice shoes for this evening but she was bound to ruin the designer label evening dress she was wearing with the glass of wine in her hands.

Kikyo was a fucking alcoholic, being a soul sucking attorney by day and play mother at night.

I nod at her command, not in the mood for bullshit at this point, before following down the same hallway Alluka did but instead of heading downstairs, kept heading straight until I hit a different staircase and went up. My room was the second doorway on the right.

I couldn't recall a time my parents showed each other affection, couldn't remember a time when my father was around enough to say more than a few words to all of us in years. But when he did come around, it was an occasion to be carefully put together. A celebration of some sort.

Scumbag! I despised him for nights like this, alone. My fear was giving way to anger.

The best clothes in my closet for this exact kind of occasion was certainly something out of my parents' own wet dream. Deep black slacks and navy blue button down.

Too constricting, too dark, too not me.

I shut up and wear it.

Heading towards my little sister's room feels like knowing you're going to head into something really bad and frightening. Gut instinct, is it called?

I ignore it.

Knocking in a rapid and familiar pattern, Alluka keeps me waiting at her door for longer than I think necessary. When she does open the door, she's not waiting at it.

The feeling of dread revisits me walking through Alluk's room, her lights are off and blinds closed but evening sunlight filters in between the cracks to brighten up the room. My little sister is sitting on her bed, completely stone faced. She doesn't even fucking look at me.

My teeth grind together, fingers closing around to form a fist for a moment before I take a deep breath and head towards her.

She's removed her earlier clothes of a sweater dress and tights in exchange for a simple white tank top and black shorts. There are a few necessary supplies sitting next to her on her bed she's obviously pulled out. My heart sinks.

"Do you want to stand up?" My voice is the loudest sound in the room and it feels like a betrayal of some sort.

She finally does turn to me, watching with fear when I round the side of her bed and come closer. Her face crumbles for a moment before she's back to that unfeeling face I hate so fucking much.

"N-no. I-can we-I want-I want to do that last." Her voice cracks in between words, she clears her throat and closes her eyes briefly before reopening them with a deep breath.

I don't know what to say to make this better. As her big brother, I should. I should know what to do and what to say. But I don't.

I help her in the ways I can, though.

I crawl up the side of her bed and sit behind her, running my fingers through long tendrils of hair. Alluka has always been a very creative and imaginative girl, she loves to draw, she loves music and drama. She especially loves to play around with fashion, sometimes things would get out of hand and I would spend several hundred dollars on new accessories and clothes for her. Mer and Moogs spoiled her with fluffy stuffed animals of any kind, Alluka collected and displayed them on a shelf in her room. She was the liveliest girl I'd ever met.

Today that girl is missing. And likely will be for a little while.

There is a grey cropped top a few inches away resting against her colorful pink sheets, the piece of clothing is ominous. Even when reaching for the brush I don't dare go near it. Not yet, anyway.

My sister's current obsession was hanging beads in her beautiful hair and having to take the colorful clips out was the least painful thing I would do tonight. We don't speak. I know she doesn't want to, but it's still difficult to sit behind my sister and take away parts of her identity bit by bit, piece by piece.

The next task before me is brushing her hair out, the comb falling through silky and tangle free strands like butter. I had done this before, when we were kids, just for fun. Alluka loved the feeling of fingers running through her hair.

She once said "It gives me the shakes! But the good kind! The really good kind, keep going, brother!"

And so I had.

Tonight, the shakes would be bad. All of them. I want to stop it from ever happening.

Using a rubber band, Alluka's hair is set in a low ponytail at the base of her neck. Clips are used to hold back bangs that usually covered her forehead, they're tricky and my hands won't keep steady but after too many frustrating moments, they are set tight and won't allow loose strands.

"Hello, pretty girl," are my first words since beginning my sister's new hairdo. Bending around to look at her, my baby sister's face seems slightly more open this way, bangs no longer hiding her forehead and her eyes only become more striking.

Alluka's lips wobble, face crumbling the way it did before and her eyes well up with tears. She rests her forehead against mine, swooping up my hand and holding it tight.

"Brother.."

"It's okay. It's almost done. The hardest part is next, okay? But I'm here, Alluk. I swear I am here and I will do everything I can to keep them off your back." I promise her and I would. It doesn't matter what punishment I took. If she is okay, it's all that matters.

"I don't want you to take the fall for me, brother!" She shakes her head back and forth, wrinkling the skin of our foreheads together and closing her eyes.

"I'll be okay." My forehead presses against her, pushing her back and ocean eyes blink tear drops. My free hand reaches out to erase the existence of them before I pull back, bringing Alluka with me through extension of my hand.

I bring her to stand by her bed and I know-I fucking know this will be the hardest fucking part and it kills me inside.

"Okay. Bring out your arms." Picking up the cropped material from her bed and holding it in my hands. Alluka does as I request, arms and hands I notice are trembling but there's no going back with this.

Be strong, baby sister.

The material is slid over her arms, holding it as straight as possible before going over her head. I move, walk around to stand behind her and pull the binder down her back, the material is tight around her and it's necessary but fuck if it isn't a goddamn tugging struggle.

My sister whines, a cry coming from her lips.

I quicken my pace, stretching and pulling the piece of shit thing down her back and chest but my sister crumbles when I tug. Alluka collapses into my arms, wailing louder than a banshee.

I want to fucking die.

She rests her weight on me, hands gripping tight enough to hurt the skin of my arms. I know if I let go, she'll be on the floor.

I pull my baby sister to my chest and she cries, louder.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry!

The binder keeps the results of the hormone therapy pills a secret. Denies their existence and denies her existence. Dictates to my baby sister what she is and isn't. Dictates what she can and cannot be.

Tonight it is can not.

"Brother!" She cries out to me and I hold her tighter, my legs giving out and we crumble to the floor while my sister shakes in my arms. "C-can't!" She yells, her tears are falling and mine are, too. "Please! I-I can't! I-I-" She never finishes, choking on her own hiccoughs and wails.

My face is buried into the back of her neck and I cry, silently. Leading down from my cheeks to her shoulder and seeping into the binder that hides her formed chest.

You are who you say you are, I believe you. I believe you.

My mouth doesn't move. Just like earlier, I know words can't make this better. I know words can't fix this, I know I can't right now.

But I am the arms, the shoulder and the chest she needs to vent her pain. Here to hold her. Always.

My hands are fists around her chest, rising up and down violently with each deep breath and sob. The heels of my feet gently push off against her plush carpet and I rock us, back and forth gently. She digs her fingernails into my hands and even though I've been beaten by my family countless times, this is the most painful of any experience. I'd take fists over my sister's broken heart any fucking day.

Alluka cries until she's numb.

When I let go, my sister is a shell of her former self. She does not smile, her eyes do not shine. Helping her dress into a button down and slacks similar to mine is easy only because she listens quickly to any instruction I give. My little sister reminds me of a robot working on autopilot and it takes all my strength to hold back my loathing for our family.

Fuck them. !

"Can I see?" She asks while my hands fix the collar of her shirt. My heart twists at the sight of this person, the one my sister never was and never wanted to be.

"I don't think-" My voice is hesitant and small but it's no good, Alluka immediately turns away and rushes to the small bathroom conjoined with her bedroom, flicking on the light and standing in front of the mirror. She gasps, hand going over her mouth and I'm right behind her.

"Alluka, I said-"

"Well, I guess this isn't too bad. But Killua-" My sister turns to me and I'm stuck like stone, "Why can't she be who she is?" The person fluffs up the collar of their shirt, pats down the front of their constricted chest to straighten it out.

My heart drops because the person who is standing in front of me now is no longer, truly my sister. It was something else that lived inside of her.

There was a phenomena that began when we were young, after certain actions were taken too far by my mother or brother's. Alluka had developed another identity, one that would come out when things were too traumatic for Alluka to take. This identity would protect her. The only way I know the difference between the two is Alluk would call me "brother", this identity would call me "Killua".

But they aren't all benevolent. They call themself "Nanika". They have no gender but age-wise this identity is older, much older than my sister is. Nanika is also incredibly destructive, would lash out and not hold back their tongue. I'd had to stop Nanika several times over from causing physical harm to my sister, they were a toxic personality and it was only by stroke of luck I was ever there to stop them.

When Nanika came out, nothing good would happen.

And to make matters worse, I never knew when Nanika would come out. This just turned into the worst fucking day, ever.

This was so hard on her, Nanika had to come out and protect her..

But Nanika at a dinner with our family is not a good fucking idea.

"You know, Nanika, you really don't have to go to the dinner. I'm sure Silva would understand Alluk's absence." I try and convince them as nonchalantly as possible. Try not to show the fear and anxiety coursing through me.

In reality, no one in my family is even truly aware of Nanika's existence. They scoff off this personality and excuse it as "a child with an attitude". No one fucking cares about Alluka the way I do and even then, I'm still not entirely familiar with Nanika. They had only come out a handful of times before and each time had ended in near disaster.

"Killua, you hurt me." Nanika turns to face me with a slight pout on their face before turning back to the bathroom mirror.

They pat my sister's pony-tailed hair, removing the clips I'd used to pull back her bangs. My jaw clenches and the back of my neck begins to sweat.

"Are you afraid I'll do something embarrassing to our cute as a button little sister?" Nanika rearranges the clips, using a much more efficient method than I had.

My hands ball into fists. It's an effort to release them and shove them into my pockets.

"No worries, Killua! I'll be a good one. Promise!" Nanika winks at me and a cold feeling like ice settles through me.

Because I know that's likely not true and something horrible is likely to happen. I would have to watch them closely, more closely than ever, now.

"Well, should we get this crazy train going? I love dysfunctional family events, makes me all giddy! What about you?" Nanika is giddy, nearly skipping past me and heading towards Alluka's door. They hold it open for me with a smile so like my sister's I wish they weren't wearing it.

I don't answer their question, opting to sigh and make my way over to them. "Just stick by me, alright?"

Nanika lights up, wrapping their arm around mine and holding tight. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Killua!" They beam at me and it makes my stomach churn. A part of me doesn't believe anything Nanika says.

We make our way upstairs, through the living room and pass into the kitchen which has a connected bar end but going through a door leads into the dining room we used only when Silva came home. It was the only time we all ate dinner together.

Especially because Alluka and I were usually always with Mer or Moogs.

I wish we were tonight.

Our butlers Tsubone and Gotoh were in the large kitchen, still preparing dinner, and my mother is sat in a chair with a glass of water in front of her. Gotoh must have suggested it so she wouldn't make a drunk fool of herself in front of father.

"Evening, brothers. Alluka, I'm glad to see you're dressed in something appropriate today." Illumi's voice comes from behind us, his lithe figure making its way around us and sauntering towards our mother who wears a bemused smile at the sight of us.

"What, this old thing? Ah, no biggie. Dust off some cobwebs and then it was good as new!" Nanika replies with a sickly sweet tone, suspicion and fear build up inside me. Nanika could say one wrong thing, they're capable, I know it.

"It's a good thing you did, son. Wouldn't want your father to think you were a faggot!" My mother cackles, having to cover her mouth and my breath catches in my throat.

Nanika smiles, but it's sinister in nature and makes the hair on my arms stand to their ends.

"Mother, would you like me to get some wine for father's arrival?" They come off with a caring tone, as if what Silva drinks is of any concern to them. They'd likely poison Silva if they had a chance.

Not that I would stop them.

But my mother buys the act, lighting up and standing high out of her chair. "Yes! Yes, Alluka, what a wonderful idea!" She turns to look behind us, at the butlers. "Gotoh, please retrieve the 1865 Chateau Lafite. Father does so love a red wine."

"No worries, mother! Allow me, please." Nanika smiles.

They makes their way across the kitchen, towards the glass and wood cabinet that holds wine glasses and an innumerable amount of wine bottles. They take a moment to look through the expanse of the cabinet before pressing hands against the correct bottle. Nanika turns, walking towards my mother and holding it out with both hands and she smiles in pleasure.

But a wicked smirk paints itself across Nanika's face and seconds later, glass along with red liquid is shattered on the floor.

Nanika dropped the bottle before my mother could reach it.

No! Fuck, goddamnit!

My mother gasps, distress painting over her features and fingers curling.

I'm barely able to take two steps before my mother slaps her hand across Nanika's cheek. She grabs them by the back of their head, growling in anger. Nanika cringes.

Goddamnit!

"You little bitch!" My mother snarls between clenched teeth.

"Alluka!" I yell, heading straight for them before my arms are pulled back and I'm stopped.

"I wouldn't interfere if I were you, brother." The cold voice of my oldest brother, Illumi whispers in my ear.

I don't move another inch, fear setting through me and seizing my bones.

Just fucking stop, Nanika! Please!

"Do you have any idea how much this cost me?! You ungrateful rat!" My mother growls into Nanika's face and I swear they're smiling. My mother pulls their face back, and Nanika yelps in pain. "What will father drink now?! Maybe I should make you mop it up with that pretty little face you were gifted with!" My mother and Nanika begin a type of tug-o-war, with my mother trying to push her down towards the broken glass and spilled wine and Nanika fighting to stay upward.

I make the boldest move in months. Knowing one thing that would make my mother more pissed off with me than my sister's counterpart.

"Kikyo!" I yell, chest heaving and adrenaline pumping with my sudden decision.

If there is one thing my mother hates, it's disrespect. And calling her by her name is utter sacrilege. It's the biggest smack in the face.

My mother's drunk grappling with Nanika ceases, black holes for eyes staring up at me. It's so goddamn quiet, a pin could drop and be heard by everyone in the room.

"Killu, wh-" My mother is disbelieving that her prodigal son would commit such treachery.

"Kikyo, stop!" I yell, again to drive the point home.

Yes, I said it. Yes, punish me and leave them the fuck alone!

My mother blinks, slowly. "Two ungrateful children," she sighs, shaking her head back and forth, Nanika still being held in her arms. "What ever shall we do, Illumi?" She appeals to the oldest sibling standing behind me and goosebumps break out along my skin.

This isn't going to fucking be good. I prepare myself for the onslaught.

"Killu, I've been easy on you the past few weeks due to your concussion. But now, your injury won't hinder me." My brother whispers these words to me seconds before I'm twisted around and hit in the stomach with such a force, I collapse in on myself and lose my breath.

Fuck! Fuck!

I cough, bent over tile floor, an ache in my gut. That's going to bruise! Shit, ow!

My back is slammed against a wall, head banging painfully when I finally get my lungs back. Illumi's hands dig into the skin of my face, holding me flat against the wall. His face less than a breath away but all I see is black, black eyes. "Kill, Have I not taught you better? Perhaps a lesson is necessary." Illumi chides, shaking his head at me and no amount of effort to pull my head out of his hands bears fruition. My cheeks feel tight and my teeth clack together painfully.

"What-"

"Perhaps mother should lock Alluka in his room without dinner for two nights." Illumi suggests and my heart drops. He wants to hurt me by hurting her...

"N-no! Illumi-"

"What's that? Little brother, no choice can be made without punishment." Illumi regards me with cold, large eyes. Pits. Just like my mother, they're fucking pits!

"Illumi," our mother breaks apart our fight and my oldest brother turns at the sound of my mother's quiet voice. "Please take Alluka to his room. He's caused quite enough of a fuss tonight, it does break his mother's heart." Kikyo pushes Nanika from her arms and my brother rises from his crouched over position, letting go of my cheeks and my face sings high praises. He grabs Nanika by their arms and they throw an apologetic look my way. I had yet to truly understand Nanika's nature but I got the feeling that once I understood, I would wish I hadn't.

Fuck! Ow! My face begins to throb along with the back of my shoulders.

Illumi leads Nanika past me and through the kitchen doors where I can't see them anymore.

"I wish you wouldn't defend your brother so much." My mother is sitting back down in her seat, paying more interest to her nails than my own existence. Gotoh arrives with a broom and dustpan, making quick work of glass shards. "Perhaps I should have aborted him, he does seem to be quite a mistake."

My mind can't wrap around her words-won't wrap around her words.

My jaw clenches and my eyes well up with tears. Alluka was not a fucking mistake!

My mother scoffs and I watch her from my place on the floor. Gotoh disappeared and Tsubone brought a mop."It's bad enough he wears those girly things inside the home, but he masquerades as a woman outside? He speaks to others as if he's womanly? Tell you the truth, I think everyone knows the fool is a cross dresser, his adam's apple is the size of a closed fist!" She cackles and it's the worst sound I've ever fucking heard in my life. It's evil, it's malice, it's heartless.

"Mrs. Zoldyck," Gotoh calls. "Silva and Milluki have arrived in the foyer."

My mother half stumbles from her chair. "Father's home! Everyone on your best behavior," She glances at my form still on the floor. "Stop looking so poor, Killu!" my mother says as if her mind is boggled at how I could look like shit on the floor.

My stomach aches when I move around, struggling to rise when a hand wraps around my arm to help me stand.

Tsubone with her wide shoulders, pigtails and wrinkled skin that tell of a life long lived in this household helps me up. When she's confident in my ability to stand, she releases me and goes back to her cooking duties.

This is a day in the life of the Zoldyck household for her, for all of us, really.

I meet both of my brother's and my mother in the dining room hall minutes later, it's after we are sat down at the long table that my father makes his grand appearance.

Silva Zoldyck is a frightening, well put together figure. My father's blonde hair is longer than mine, falling at his chest in waves. The suit he's wearing likely costs more than my life. He casts his blue eyed gaze across the long dining room table over my mother and two brothers before falling onto me and the empty seat beside me. But he doesn't ask where Alluka is.

In fact, he doesn't say anything at all. Instead, makes his way straight towards us and sits at the head of the table. He's several seats away from me and it's the only saving grace I have.

I'm so goddamn sick and worried to my stomach I don't want to fucking even look at whatever plate of food they bring out tonight. There are bigger issues than dinner with my father and it's Nanika alone in Alluka's room, doing god knows fucking what. I'd have to think of a way to excuse myself without disrespecting my father.

Conversation around the table is pleasant between my parents and brother's after food is brought out. Of fucking course it is, they're following down the Zoldyck line, doing exactly what father and mother want them to do.

What they want to force me to do.

"Kikyo, have you heard from Kalluto?"

My ears perk at the sound of that name.

"Why, yes! We received a letter from him a few weeks ago, he's well. He's already started school back up with his peers. He said he had taken up charity work over the summer and was unable to come home. But how altruistic of him! He has such a bright future!" My mother gushes on about my youngest brother, Kalluto Zoldyck.

I hadn't heard his name in months.

Kalluto had been my mother's starchild, her favorite at one point amongst us all. My parents, wanting to take advantage of great wealth and instill discipline had thrown my brother into a private boarding school several hundred miles away two years ago.

My mother had once offered the same fate for me when I was 13 and though getting out from under their thumb and abuse would have been a dream come true-it would have meant leaving Alluka alone. And that was a choice I couldn't make.

Kalluto had no such attachments and went willingly, but he never came back. He was granted both summer and winter breaks but continuously would send letters over the course of his two years making excuses as to why he couldn't come home. Charity work or picking up extra classes, he would say, but I'd bet my left nut he didn't want to come back. I would do the same.

Still, phone calls from my mother would go straight to voicemail when she tried to contact him. He would only send letters.

There is a tightening in my chest, a feeling of guilt as Kalluto had crossed the path of my mind less and less, recently. It isn't because I care less about my young brother, but day to day life got in the way, besides that Kalluto and I were never really close. Not the way Alluka and I are.

My father nods without word after that and dinner continues, his eyes shift to me every now and again and it makes my fucking skin burn. My fork draws a circular pattern on my plate, the prime rib was bloody and thick, it was sickening.

"Son, why are you not eating?" I don't have to look up to know my father's words are directed at me. My fork pauses in its ministrations.

Ah, fuck. He noticed.

"I-I had a rather large lunch today, F-Father." In truth all I'd had to last me the day was some eggs and that damn pudding cup at lunch. But I couldn't even stomach the piece of red meat on my plate. It made me fucking nauseous.

"Is that so?" His tone doesn't seem the least bit interested though it doesn't stop me from answering the way he wants me to.

"Yes. May I-May I be excused?" I ask, hastily following up with- "Please, father."

My father stares at me for a moment, placing his elbows on the table and using the backs of his hands to hold under his chin.

"We've hardly spoken all dinner, son. You want to leave so soon?"

"No, that's-I-"

"I-I-I-" My father mimics my nervous pauses and my hands shake under the table. "My, what a stutter you have. That's very unprofessional to have in our line of work. Kikyo, would you set up a teacher to help him speak?" He gives his attention over to my mother, insulting my intelligence and existence in one moment.

That motherfucker..

"I apologize, Father. I meant no disrespect! There's a big test coming up in one of my classes and I'd like to use as much time as possible to study." I lie, hoping it's believable and I can get the fuck out of dodge. I've reached my emotional quota for the fucking day.

"Killu is incredibly intelligent." My mother supports me as if she wasn't calling me ungrateful a mere hour ago. "Our boy had the highest marks in his Honors classes last year, the highest GPA! Such a bright future ahead for him, as well, dear. The upcoming Gala will only push him further!" She beams at me, lipstick still carefully applied and teeth perfect white even after chewing on bloodied beef.

"Yes, Pariston Hill's. That will show you the reality of this world, son. You'll get to see what it means to be a real man, there." My father says, shoving a piece of steak into his mouth.

What the.. Can I just fucking be excused?! Please!

"Yes, Father." I give up, give in to his bullshit. It was what they wanted, anyway.

My father studies me, causing me to shift under his gaze with how incredibly fucking terrifying and unnerving it feels.

"You may be excused, son." He finally speaks the words that breathe like an elixir.

"May I please take this to the kitchen to save for later? It's perfectly edible." I cradle the plate in my hands. I didn't even eat anything besides maybe two bites of mashed potatoes, the veggies are still intact as well.

"Gotoh will do it for you." My mother says, nodding her head to the silent butler near the door and he steps closer without any further direction needed.

"No!" I say almost too quick, too loud. I clear my throat. "No, that's okay, I can do it myself."

"Very well, then." My father nods in acquiescence and it takes all my patience to not immediately burst into a run as soon as my ass it out of the seat. But I pace myself with the plate of food in my hands until I hit the kitchen which is when I kick my ass into overdrive by covering the food and shoving it into the microwave to warm up. I quickly grab an extra set of silverware, hoping no one fucking walks in on me and asks questions.

"Come on, stupid microwave! Come on!" The evil green digits tell me there's still 45 seconds left and they can't go by any goddamn slower.

"Mr. Killua." Tsubone's croaky voice makes me jump out of my fucking skin, it's a miracle I don't hit the goddamn ceiling.

"Fuck!"

She raises a near non existent gray brow at me. "Are you taking food to Ms. Alluka?" She inquires.

"I-"

"Perhaps she'd also like something to drink." Tsubone makes her way to the fridge, fishing out a few water bottles and handing them to me. "I'll make sure you are not disturbed in your room for the rest of the night," she says, my nerves are slightly calmed, comforted that at least she has my back.

While she's been a butler here my entire life, Tsubone and I had never been close. But she'd found ways to cover my ass more times than I could count.

The microwave beeps loudly, and I pull the way too fucking hot plate out quickly. Managing a quick "thanks" to Tsubone before rushing past her, I make a mad dash straight towards my baby sister.

Please, be okay. Please, be okay!

I forego knocking in our usual pattern, instead working my way past the several outside door locks while juggling water bottles and food. One lock included a key Tsubone had snuck me a copy of and it was a godsend in this moment. I pushed the door open without preamble, impatient as fuck to get inside and see my sister.

The view I'm greeted with almost makes me drop the plate of food in my hands.

Alluka's room is absolutely fucking trashed. Her clothes are strewn about the floor, beanie babies and stuffed animals Mer and Moogs had bought her at one point are cut open and spongy guts spilling out, her drawer of accessories strewn open and toppled over. Even the sheets on her bed are in complete disarray. My eyes search to and fro for a figure anywhere, for my sister.

"Alluka! Nanika!" I shout, fear coursing through me when I move to check her bathroom.

But no one's in there.

"Alluka!" I shout, again. Where is she!? Did she leave?! How, I didn't even fucking hear? Where would she even go?!

"Brother.." Her voice comes before her head pops up from beside her bed, an area I hadn't checked yet.

Alluka!

"Alluka!" I rush her, trying to set down the plate of food and waters with ease and speed.

I bend down to my sister's form on the floor beside her bed, pulling her into my arms and checking her over for any kind of injury Nanika may have caused. "Are you okay?" My hands swipe at the now free flowing hair, bangs spreading under my hands when I smooth my hands against her face.

"I'm fine." She nods, taking a moment to look up and around her demolished room. My sister's face falls. "Oh."

"Not sure that's the word I'd use for it." I reply in a soft voice. My arms wrap around my sister's figure, holding her to me tight. I bury my face in her shoulder, nuzzling my sweet baby sister in relief. At least Nanika left without hurting her this time.

"Brother," Alluk pushes me away with gentle hands, looking me in the eyes and asking me to believe her. "Nanika's not bad," she says the last words I want to hear.

Sighing, my mouth voices my thoughts. "Nanika's the last person I want to talk about right now, Alluk." Pulling us both up from the floor, I notice she's no longer wearing the outfit from earlier and the binder has been removed as well. In exchange she's in yoga pants and a tank top. I don't ask where anything else is. "You didn't get to eat. I brought you this." I wave my hand towards the food and water bottles on her bed.

"Food!" My sister lights up, looking more like herself by the minute. We crawl up the side of her bed together, rolling water bottles back and forth. She laughs and there's no resistance when I begin to laugh along with her.

"This looks really good, brother!" She sits herself down comfortably and I pull out the silverware I'd hid in my pockets. I make a space across from her, sitting with legs crossed and smiling down at my little sister.

She begins to take the first few bites of veggies and potatoes when my hunger makes its appearance. Rather loudly. Gurgling and growling sounds emit from my gut and my skin turns several shades of red.

"Brother, what was that sound?!" Alluka pauses, wide blue eyes raking over me. "Do you-have you eaten yet?"

"What?!" I balk, acting affronted. "Yes, of course I have! Don't worry about it, squirt. My stomach is just.. I need to poop," I lie.

"When you need to poop, you get gassy. I've been around you long enough." Alluka laughs while I sulk. "Eat some." She extends her fork to me. "Share it with me. Please?"

And I can't deny her when she looks at me like that.

I sigh in resignation, my stomach begging for the potatoes and veggies and meat. "Fine. But you first, come on," I deal.

She takes the first bite, then she cuts herself the second and third. It makes me smile.

"Thank you for always taking care of me, brother." Her voice comes small, mouth full of food.

"Who else would do it, knucklehead?" I respond, sweetly.

Alluka cuts a fourth bite, this time stretching the fork out towards me. "Then I can take care of you, too."

I bite the piece of meat from the fork and pull back, chewing. Goddamn, this is delicious.

"Are you really okay?" My curiosity and worry are getting the best of me.

"I-I don't really know, brother." She looks down and away, drawing shapes into her bed. "There's a feeling Nanika leaves behind sometimes, it's hard to get out of the funk."

"I'm sorry."

She lifts her gaze, a soft smile on her face. "Don't be, brother! I'm here and you're here and we're taking care of each other. Things will be okay. You said so, right?" She nods, brows pushing together in half worry and expectation. I don't ever want to let her down.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did." I push the plate towards her, reminding her to eat more and talk less.

"Then it'll be okay."

When did my sister need to start comforting me?

"So, are you ready for Machi's party?" I change the subject, even though it's an event I dread. Alluka cuts another piece of meat, stretching the fork out to me again and we go back and forth like this.

My baby sister lights up, a little. And I see parts of her back, Nanika's time erased.

She goes on about how excited she is and even though it's a school night, we stay up late talking.

We join forces to clean her bedroom together, Alluka fixes her bed and hangs up her clothes while I take care of the stuffed animals puking their guts up. I place them into a bag, promising to ask Tsubone to sew them back together for her.

I don't make it back to my room this night, falling face first into my sister's bed she's kind enough to share with me.

Part of it is fear Nanika could resurface and something worse could happen, the other half is my need to simply be near my sister, needing to feel her presence.

The next morning is hell, having to physically pull my baby sister from bed.

But it's an enjoyable hell, one I'd gladly live a hundred times over just to see the million watt smile my sister flashes me when blueberry pancakes hit her plate.