I don't own anything. Mega Man and Roll are properties of Capcom.
The party crossed a vast plain, and scaled many snow covered, rocky hills. By the time the group had reached Southern Swamp, they were tired and hungry. They came across an apple tree, and they were about to take a bite, when one of their horses ate one...and exploded. That convinced everyone to not eat. All but one. She blew up. What kind of apples were these?! Soon, they came across a vast bog, where all sorts of creatures tried to eat them. While the seven elite and Kratos managed to cut them down, some of the "not-so-elite" were eaten. The group soon made it to the edge of the bog, covered in leeches. It took several minutes for them to remove them. That's when Zelda spotted something odd.
"A girl and boy tied to a tree. A handsome boy."
It was true. The young, brown haired man was wearing a blue tunic with matching shorts and boots while the blonde haired girl wore nothing but a red loincloth and bikini. However, just as Zelda got close to the pair, the tree sprung to life and chased after her! Screaming, she fled as it ate a few more of the "not-so-elite". Thank goodness her ass was saved by Kratos, who decided to make good use for the monster's corpse: firewood. And that's just what the party did late that night. Its new members sat next to Kratos and smiled.
"I don't think we properly introduced ourselves," said the young man. "I'm Rock. This is my sister, Roll."
Kratos didn't respond. Rock stopped smiling and looked back at the fire. He had a feeling he was being watched. A few of the female members of Gannondorf's elite were staring at him with lust in their eyes.
"It was nice of you to save me like that," Roll said, smiling sincerely at Kratos.
Zelda saw her chance to prove her worth to Roll's brother. "Oh, sure, saving is my specialty, isn't it guys?" Her friends said nothing. "ISN'T IT?!" Her friends agreed. "Oh, yeah," she continued. She positioned herself for a high five. "Give me some skin, Kratos!" No response. "Kratos?"
Everyone wondered where he was. In fact, everyone also wondered where Roll went off. They got their answer when they heard female lustful grunts coming from a nearby bush. Rock stared at it in shock.
"We just met, and already she's screwing him?!"
He heard giggling coming behind him. To his shock, the female members of the elite seven were approaching him with lust in their eyes.
"Ladies, ladies, please. Let's not be so hasty. AHHH!"
In the morning, everyone was scaling the Chafing Chasm. A few of the "not-so-elite" slipped and fell. Not many left now. By this time, Rock and Roll were informed of Kratos' quest...and his condition.
"Look!" exclaimed Sarina as she along with everyone else gazed in awe at the sight before them. "The floating mountain castle!"
"But how do we get up there?" asked Ruto. "We can't fly!"
Rock looked down. "No, but they can." Below them was a pit filled with a gathering of pigeons. Not the sort of pigeons you would normally see. These birds were the size of elephants. Perfect to ride on. If you can not get eaten by them. How would the party get close to them without that happening? Kratos seemed to have the answer as he started rubbing himself with large feathers and dried bird feces.
"What in Din's name are you doing?" asked Nabooru in disgust.
"Hide your scent," explained the Spartan. "It'll make the birds think you're one of their own."
"Good thinking, Spartan," said Roll, already rubbing himself with feathers. His sister was doing the same.
"That's bull crap," a "not-so-elite" woman exclaimed. "My uncle and brother were bird smugglers. I know how to get these birds to obey us." She walked up to the giant pigeons, while her friends protested her to stop. But there was no way she was getting out of this now. "Hey you dumb birds!" she shouted at one of them. "Lookie here!" She was pecked to death. Everyone started slathering themselves in bird crap.
Without looking back, Kratos walked over to the closest pigeon. It sniffed him, then cooed. It sat down, allowing the Ghost of Sparta to climb on top of its back.
After flying for several minutes, (and allowing some of the "not-so-elite" to be eaten by giant hawks), the party arrived at the front door of the Ice King's castle. Everyone gazed up in awe before Kratos used the Blades of Chaos to chop down the door. Inside was a treasure trove of goods. Magic books, an observatory, jewels, paintings, mystical artifacts, and weapons galore. The elite seven and the last of the "not-so-elite" ran in, pillaging the treasures inside.
"Loot what you will, but do not tarry," warned Kratos. "Even in death, a wizard is not to be trusted."
"Where does that lead," asked Rock, pointing to a staircase that lead upwards.
He, the Spartan and Roll climbed said stairs and lead to a room that read, "Entry not permitted." They went inside anyway. Their eyes widened when they saw it.
"Is that?" asked Roll.
While the seven elite pillaged, they did not notice the short, blue skinned wearing a darker blue colored robe and golden crown with a single jewel in it enter the room. He was carrying briefcases as he looked down at the floor. "What's this?" He picked up a stack of envelopes. "Bills, bills, jury duty." He stopped and sniffed the air. What smells like bird poop. That's when he realized he was not alone.
"What are you doing in my house?!" he shouted.
"Who in the hell are you?" demanded Nabooru.
"I am the Ice King!" the wizard said in a dramatic voice. "Keeper of the Golden Penguin and owner of the very castle you are standing!"
"But you're supposed to be dead!" shouted Saria.
"Dead?!" shouted Ice King, flabbergasted. "I was on my vacation! Although, the way that lady looked at me on that cruise ship, I might as well have been dead." He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, well."
Suddenly he blasted out a powerful magic at the head of the last of the "not-so-elite". His eyes glowed ice blue before he started walking.
"Allow me to show you the door," said the Ice King as the man walked out. "Oh, and watch that last step, it's a doozy!" The man jumped off the mountain to his death. The two males of the elite seven: Darunia and Rauru, charged at the wizard, only for him to use his magic to manipulate them into beating themselves to unconsciousness. The female members of the elite charged at the wizard, but he used his magic to...turn them into lesbians and made them have an orgy.
That's when he heard noises coming from upstairs. Rushing upstairs, he spotted the Ghost of Sparta and two teenage kids in his room; the Ghost was holding the Golden Penguin!
"Put that down, Spartan!" shouted the wizard angrily. "It has powers beyond you and your friends' primitive reckonings!"
The trio looked at the idol...and Kratos pushed a button on the idol's belly. Muzak music started playing from the statue as it came to life and danced in place. This was the most valuable artifact from the olden days? A mere novelty toy? Well, Gannondorf and the Ice King thought it was valuable.
"Behold!" said the Ice King as he danced to the music.
Kratos rolled his eyes before turning the toy off. Suddenly, he began clutching his stomach in pain.
"The parasite?" asked Rock.
Kratos nodded his head before gesturing Rock and his sister to leave. "I think I hear my mother calling," he said.
"Hold it!" shouted the Ice King. Using his magic, he slammed and locked the door. Kratos attempted to use the Blades of Chaos to break down the door, but to no avail. Rock and Roll tried to help, but they didn't do any good. They turned to face the Ice King, now laughing at them.
"Congratulations," he snarled. "Of all the imbeciles I have ever been forced to come in contact with, you, a dung coated vagabond, have managed to arouse me. I mean arouse my ire far more than any other! A sin for which the only penance can be...a hideous death! At the hands of the Ice King!"
The wizard stuck his hand into his pocket, revealing a stick of gum. Using his magic, he tossed it to the ground. Kratos and the siblings were not impressed. Until the wad of pressed gum formed into a huge chimeric beast! Kratos threw the Golden Penguin to the side, allowing the Ice King to quickly grab it. Kratos didn't care. He had to face this pink beast! It lunged at the trio, but Kratos used his Blades of Chaos to cause severe damage. He sliced the gum monster's thigh, but it kicked him in the gut. Rock took out a long dagger and pierced the beast's head. The beast tried to reach him, but couldn't. Finally, Roll jumped up kicked the monster in the eye. By this point Kratos had gotten up and used the chains on his blades to wrap around the creature's legs, making it fall over. However, it countered with lash of its tongue, the monster swallowed the three whole. The Ice King thought he had won. Until the Blades of Chaos burst out of the beast's belly, releasing the three and killing the creature.
But the gum beast wasn't down yet. It took another form, this one shaped like a giant squid. It wrapped its tentacles around the trio and squeezed them. It laughed as they tried to escape. Finally, Kratos had had enough. With one powerful bite, he bled the creature, making it the trio go. Then he sliced the gum monster into tiny pieces.
Again, it took on another form. This one resembled a giant female ogre beast. It grabbed the trio, but focused its eyes on one prisoner in its left fist: Rock.
"Come here, sexy," it giggled in a distorted voice. Rock screamed as he tried to squirm his way out, but it was no good. The monster gave him a wet, slobbery kiss, sticking its tongue down his throat and into his stomach. He couldn't breath!
"Long lasting flavor," commented the Ice King.
Suddenly, the gum monster squealed as it was decapitated by Kratos. Its tongue slid out of Rock's mouth and he coughed violently before getting up. "A.B.C.," he muttered. "Not my favorite flavor." He watched as Kratos walked over to the Ice King and fought over the Golden Penguin.
"You seem to have defeated me, Spartan," chuckled the Ice King. "Well, guess again!"
Using a laser beam, he had the trio on their knees, sapping their strength.
"Full power!" he laughed.
One chance...Rock took his knife and threw it at the wizard. It knocked him backwards, sending his laser beam scattering. One unfortunate blast stuck Roll in the heart. Rock looked on in horror, before turning his anger-filled attention to the Ice King who was backing away in fear.
"Now, now," he said to the young man. "Let's be reasonable." But Rock was hearing none of it. In one fell swoop, he punched the Ice King square in the face, knocking him down. He never stopped punching his face until Kratos grabbed his arm.
"He's dead," he said to Rock.
Rock looked down. The Ice King's face had caved in. It was than that the young man realized he killed someone in cold blood, when he was the one who caused his sister to die. 'What have I done?' he thought as tears ran down his cheek. He choked out sobs as Kratos looked over at Roll's corpse. Wait, did it just twitch? He walked over to the corpse and got a shock when it looked up at him.
"Hiya, honey!" Roll laughed. Her appearance was different now. Her skin was blue and her hair was white and her clothes were a dark shade of blue. "What's wrong? Don't you want me no more?" Roll laughed like a witch as she flew out the window and into the sky. Rock had seen everything. The door opened and Saria came in.
"Kratos! The Ice King's back! He-" She stopped when she saw the scene and the corpse of the gum monster. "Uh, what flavor gum is that?"
Back at Gannondorf's lair, the Baron of Thieves was sleeping at his dinner table when he heard a loud thud. "I'll gut you!" Then he realized what was in front of him: the Ghost of Sparta. "Oh, hello, Kratos." The seven elite were with him, either red faced in embarrassment (for obvious reasons) or black and blue faced from severe beatings (again for obvious reasons).
Kratos grabbed his throat. "The medicine. Now!"
"Of course," said Gannondorf. "You were good at remembering." He handed him the medicine, which turned out to be a form of laxatives.
Kratos groaned as the parasite squealed, "By the gods! It's not doing anything."
"Yes," said Gannondorf, clutching the Golden Penguin. "The alchemist did mention it would take about several seasons for it to take affect. Nevertheless, I loaded the rest of your prescription on that cart of yours. Free of charge of course." He pointed to a horse's cart carrying boxes of many laxative bottles. "Well, I'll be going now!" Before Kratos could grab him, Gannondorf pressed a button, resulting in a trap door opening, leading to his chance to escape. Kratos could only watch as the dark skinned man left, laughing at his face.
As Kratos prepared to leave with his medicine, he saw Rock preparing for his own quest. "I'm sorry for your sister, young one."
"Don't be," Rock replied. "It's my fault I lost her. But I'll get her back somehow. You'll see." He sighed as he repeated Kratos' words out loud. "Even in death, a wizard is not to be trusted." Kratos shook his head sadly as he left for the Hog's Head Tavern. The plumbers are going to have a field day with his condition for sure.
And so, another adventure draws to a close in the epic saga of Kratos of Barbaria!
