A/N: This chapter contains a bit of D18. Guest review replies are at the bottom.
Chapter 3: So Put Your Hands Down My Pants, And I'll Bet You'll Feel Nuts
Admittedly, when Dino said he knew what to do to get Tsuna in Hibari's hands, he really meant it in a "The Big Brother Knows Better Than You" kind of way, and not the "Complete Idiot's Guide to Seducing Herbivorous Mafia Bosses" way but apparently, Hibari seems to think Dino belongs on the second camp, because he actually looked disappointed that Dino didn't just hand him a fifty-page instruction manual on How to Get Into Sawada Tsunayoshi's pants.
Well too bad for Hibari, because Dino's not planning on handing him any shortcuts. "Okay, first of all," Dino says. "I want to know what you would do, barring any influence from me, or other external sources." That should be a decent start. After all, the first step to every matchmaking plan is finding out what the subject knows, and determine how much work needs to be done.
"I will tell him that I am attracted to him and that he's my primary choice of partner," Hibari replies, not taking his eyes off the tonfa he's currently cleaning. "And if he agrees to enter a partnership with me, I will move that we make it official—" His fist wraps around one end, the microfiber around his palms wiping off thumbprints and blood with vicious precision, "—and thus proceed to the fucking."
Apparently, the subject needs all the work that can be afforded to him. Oh Dio, grant me patience, Dino prays to the ceiling before pasting a smile on his face to utter his honest opinions on the matter. "Um," he starts. "No, Kyouya... just. No."
"What do you mean no?" Hibari asks testily. "I'm considering his consent first. And isn't fuck the term you herbivores use?"
"Look, you just can't do things like that, Kyouya," Dino explains patiently. "I mean, at least take him out to dinner first."
Hibari scowls. "Why?"
"Because," Dino starts, racking his brain for the best way to explain this to his student in terms he'll understand. "…You're not a caveman."
Dino suspects that must have been the wrong thing to say because the "my so-called tutor is a total moron" vein on Hibari's forehead is beginning to twitch.
"How remarkably astute of you," Hibari says with barely concealed condescension. "Did you honestly think that I would be so barbaric as to club Sawada over the head, drag him off by his hair and have my way with him? I am certainly more considerate and civilized than that." He puts down the tonfa he's cleaning, looking almost resentful. "Though that would make things much simpler."
"Yes, I know Kyouya, I also regret that times have changed so much than a man can no longer impress a mate simply by howling and beating his mighty chest.," Dino says with mock seriousness, and dutifully notes that the sarcasm seems to have sailed over Hibari's head, when Hibari nods as if in agreement. "But see, these are modern times, so that's not gonna cut it anymore. Instead, there are these social customs we shall hereby refer to as dating."
Hibari glares at him with severe, eviscerating intent. "Do you take me for an imbecile, Cavallone?" he snaps. "I know what dating is."
"Oh," Dino says, brightening up, as he mentally shaves off a fourth of his proposed courtship lessons from the 'Taming of the Shrew: Sociopath Edition' lesson plan. "That makes this easier then. Do you want me to tell you what kind of dates Tsuna would enjoy? Or maybe—"
"—Who said I'm going to date him?" Hibari interrupts, making a face like Dino just suggested they go out and step on baby chicks for fun. "Dating is annoying. Herbivores crowding in a dark, moldy enclosed space and doing lewd, disrespectful things where they run the risk of getting caught while other herbivores remain oblivious... It's disgusting."
"Whoa whoa, Kyouya, I don't know what you watch on television these days, but a quickie in a closet does not count as a date."
"Closet?" Hibari repeats, looking mildly baffled and irritably so. "I was talking about going to the movie theatre." The addendum 'idiot' is left unsaid.
"Right," Dino says with a nervous laugh. "Well, there are many ways to go on a date you know, not just movies."
"Most of which involves going out and being seen with other people."
"Well, that's… kind of the whole point."
"It's a stupid point," Hibari argues vehemently. "I can watch a movie, eat dinner, and engage in private activities in the sanctity of my own house." His eyes flash wider as if a light bulb just lit up in his brain. "In fact, that would be much more efficient. It should still suffice as dating if I bring Sawada Tsunayoshi straight to my room to do all those things, correct?"
You are a disrespectful and lazy child, Dino wants to say, but he rather likes living, so he just says, "Tsuna's not that kind of boy. Stop taking shortcuts."
Hibari chooses to ignore that last statement. "So that's your advice? Date him?"
"That's the recommended social response to get what you want, yeah."
"Then this is all completely frivolous," Hibari declares, in tones suggesting Dino's imminent future as an invalid if he does not pick up the pace. "I'm not interested in what other herbivores do with their own time."
Dino claws at his forehead like he wants to wipe this whole idea off. "I thought you wanted to know how to woo him?"
"I said no such thing," Hibari replies, scowling. "I don't even like him. He's always getting into trouble, letting himself be crowded by stupid herbivores, and calling me his cloud guardian like I'm supposed to answer to him. "
"You know Tsuna does not think that Kyouya. He doesn't even want to be a mafia boss to begin with."
"He should stop being an herbivore, and own up to his title. He has a duty to fulfill, and he should cease with his foolish attempts to shirk it," Hibari says, steel eyes flashing with malcontent. "He is powerful. But he is not the boss of me. And I want to put him in his rightful place."
Dino folds his arms. "And what is his rightful place?"
Hibari smirks. "On my bed, on his back with me between his legs."
Dino admits he totally walked into that one.
"But I am not so uncouth as to demand this without consent," Hibari continues, frowning. "To get his consent, I need him to want me back."
"Well you're doing a shitty job," Dino snaps, because Hibari's stellar imitation of a giant bag of douche is starting to make him regret taking on this good will mission. "Carry on like that and Tsuna's not going to want anything to do with you ever."
Hibari's eyes narrow and he rises from his seat, tonfa handles waiting for active duty underneath his palms. "I don't remember asking for your opinion," he grits out. "You're the one who forced yourself to assist me. If you can't do that, then get out, and stop wasting my time."
"Fine! Be that way!" Dino shoots back angrily, jumping up from his seat. "You know what, maybe I should just leave you with your ignorance and let that slimeball Mukuro have Tsuna then—"
Dino abruptly shuts his mouth as he is slammed back into his chair, the pointed tip of the back of Hibari's tonfa coming dangerously close to his right eye.
"Say that man's name and Sawada Tsunayoshi's in the same sentence again," Hibari whispers, voice brimming with barely suppressed rage, his right knee digging painfully on Dino's left thigh. "I dare you."
Dino gulps. "… Like I was saying, I'd be happy to adjust the lesson plan to things most relevant to your interests."
Hibari reels back, face back to its usual indifferent hauteur. "Good. I want to know what to do in bed," he says in a blunt, business-like tone. Then he smirks. "He'll end up there eventually."
You're a cocky, ungrateful, teacher-abusing little brat, and I must be out of my mind to set you up with my little brother, is on the tip of Dino's tongue. But since he foolishly sent Romario out to accompany Kusakabe to do whatever it is right hand men do together, he can only eke out: "Okay. Let's start with the proper sequence of doing things."
Satisfied, Hibari nods. "That's more like it." Then all of a sudden, he leans in, fists Dino's shirt and tugs forcefully, making Dino's breath hitch. "You're my teacher right?" he whispers, in a way that makes nice little shivers race down Dino's spine. "So teach."
On the other hand, that shouldn't have sounded as hot as it did.
There might be hope in Hibari yet.
First hour:
"You need to get him in the mood. Turn him on," Dino says, "That's the most important thing."
"Mood. Noted. How do I do that?"
"Well, you can start by not dressing up like you're going to school."
Hibari's brow furrows. "What does my attire have to do with anything?"
"Look, I'm aware of all that "true beauty lies within" stuff, but on a date, first impressions matter, therefore appearance matters. And well, sorry Kyouya, but your armband is a veritable mood killer. But—" Dino hurriedly appends, before Hibari can initiate the usual violence that occurs whenever someone takes potshots at his most treasured article of clothing, " I mean that in the sense that it's already associated with punishment and discipline, and that's not what you want to impress on Tsuna's mind while you're trying to seduce him."
Of course, Hibari finds this utterly ridiculous. "My coat and armband command respect," he argues. "What other impressions do I need?"
"Are you impressing the people around you or Tsuna?"
"Do you mean Sawada Tsunayoshi is not impressed by my uniform?"
"I did not say that, and no, that's not even the point!"
Hibari glares at him, and turns to his armband like it holds better answers.
Dino runs a hand through his hair, and tries to pull out something from his meagre knowledge of Hibari's thought processes. "Look, you know how peacocks have these fancy feathers to impress females right? That's what we're going for."
"You mean plumage."
Dino sits up. "Yes! Exactly!"
"Ah." Hibari nods in complete understanding. "I see. You should've said that in the first place."
"Well, sorry, I don't speak bird," Dino says, but notes it for future reference. "Anyway, you have to channel the peacock," he continues, painfully aware of how retarded that sounds, but knowing fully well that this is the best way to connect to his student. "Render him speechless with your devastatingly stylish clothes and stunning good looks." Since you need to compensate for your shitty personality somehow, goes unsaid.
"So, I have to… shop for new clothes?" Hibari asks, unsurprisingly sounding unenthusiastic with the prospect. It's quite possibly the most normal sentence Dino has ever heard from him.
Luckily for Hibari, Dino's got his back on this one. "Don't worry about that," he says confidently. "Leave it to me."
Hibari eyes him with blatant scepticism.
Dino feels that that is completely unwarranted. "Kyouya, I hail from Italy, the fashion capital of the world," he insists. "Trust me, I know peacock level plumage when I see it."
Hibari gives Dino a once-over, taking note of the green, fur-trimmed parka, brown khakis and dark brown leather shoes. "Considering that you dress like a tree, I find that hard to believe."
"Hey, these are Versace and Armani originals!" Dino replies indignantly, clutching his parka and glaring balefully in his student's direction. Who the hell is Hibari to mock his clothes? His idea of impressive fashion is a polyester armband attached with a freaking safety pin for god's sake. "And I don't dress like a tree!" he adds with a huff.
Hibari just gives him a bored look. "I don't know who those people are. But fine. Take care of it. If you make me look ridiculous, I'll bite you to death."
Dino knocks back the urge to retaliate by saying what he finds ridiculous (coughDCpompadourscough), but he's a Mafia boss, and a very professional one, even if dealing with Hibari on a non-fighting setting is slowly crushing his soul. "Anyway, after you've taken care of your plumage, you now have to work on your flirtation techniques." He pauses, before hesitantly adding: You can start by reducing the death threats."
Hibari snorts, and that's all Dino needs to know as to what Hibari thinks of that.
"Well fine," Dino sighs, and wonders for the nth time just what exactly he got himself into. "You'll have to learn how to entice him with small visual cues then. See if that's easier."
Hibari raises one eyebrow. "What kind of visual cues?"
"Lots of ways really. Be subtle. Draw his attention to your most attractive features," Dino replies. "Tinker with your cloud ring to draw attention to your well-defined collarbones. Polish your tonfa as slowly and meaningfully as possible. Hold eye contact while eating pizza seductively in front of him."
"Pizza?"
"Ignore that last statement. Music could also help the atmosphere," Dino adds, "To set the mood."
"Music," Hibari repeats quietly. Hibird chirps on his shoulder and they exchange a glance.
Dino sighs. "No, Kyouya, the Namimori School song is not appropriate canoodling music."
Hibari actually looks a little put out.
Dino fights the urge to bury his face in his hands and sob. This is going to take a while.
The Second Hour:
"There's a meter stick for this kind of thing," Dino explains earnestly. "Moaning is good. Crying is bad. Screaming is generally good, so as long as it's not "Rape" or "No!". If he calls you god, you are doing a good job."
Hibari considers this carefully. "What if he calls my name?"
"Well, it's generally a point to you, unless it's followed by 'you filthy pig!'"
Hibari's eyes glint as if in recognition. "Is that what herbivores refer to as 'dirty talk'?"
"No Kyouya, that's what we call an insult to one's sexual prowess."
"I see." Hibari dismisses this as highly improbable, because there's absolutely no way that Sawada Tsunayoshi will call him a filthy pig, if he likes his vital organs the way they are.
"Besides," Dino says, leaning back on his chair. "You don't want to go the dirty talk route, trust me."
"And why not?"
"Oh Kyouya," Dino shakes his head regretfully. "That's too advanced for you."
As expected, Hibari immediately bristles at the ludicrous notion that there's anything he cannot do. "Are you calling me incompetent?"
Dino has to dig his fingers on the couch armrest to stop himself from running out the room screaming. "Look, everything that comes out of your mouth is a threat," he says, in the most placating manner he can manage. "Threats are not sexy. Well, generally speaking. So don't go there." He sees Hibari's fingers slowly curling around his tonfa and immediately adds: "Besides, it's beneath you. If you're good, you don't need to talk. Actions speak louder than words after all."
Hibari appears to consider that argument. "Does this mean it's not sexy to call him herbivore in bed?"
"No."
The third hour:
Dino stares. And stares some more.
"...Well?"
Dino thinks fast. "That's okay! It's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean!"
Hibari narrows his eyes. "What?" The bronco herbivore is being an idiot again.
"I meant it's a very uh, compact size!"
The room temperature suddenly drops several degrees, as Hibari slowly rises from his seat, voice low and deadly. "Are you suggesting that my penis is inadequate?"
"No!" Dino immediately replies, before Hibari can kill him where he stands and do unspeakable things to his corpse with a stapler. "I mean, I'm saying it's very... Japanese!"
Hibari glares at his former tutor and takes a mental note to include "being a blithering idiot" to the list of punishable offenses in the Namimori by-laws. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
"Look," Dino tries another tack. "Maybe you're a grower."
"You'd better start making sense in your next sentence or I will personally ensure that you remain speechless for the rest of the day."
Dino likes his mouth the way it is, even if he doesn't trust it most of the time, so instead of speaking, he decides to do something else with it.
The fourth hour:
He still ends up with a split lip, at least three cracked ribs, and his butt aching from literally getting kicked out the room, but at least he can rightfully say he caught the Hibari Kyouya by surprise, and that most importantly, he's a grower (and a mighty big grower at that), which means that his little brother won't be getting the short end of the stick here (pun fucking intended).
Then after a few minutes, Hibari drags him back in again, presumably to stop him from disgracing Namimori's sacred halls with his unsightly, battered presence, then demands a synthesis of all the lessons they've had so far.
It is quite possibly the most bizarre keynote presentation Dino has made in his entire life.
0
Tsuna taps his pencil in a slow staccato pace on his English text book, tuning out the droning voice of his teacher. His eyes land to his left, on Yamamoto, who is currently busy not listening and texting someone on his phone. He thinks back on their pool conversation, and how it ended up with Gokudera nearly decimating the school pool to get Yamamoto out for an explanation.
"I always knew you were special Tsuna. Hibari wants to bone you."
Tsuna's cheeks burn as he remembers the words, and the casual way Yamamoto said them. It's not that he's entirely ignorant of this sort of thing- he's always known in a strange, detached sort of way that it's not that uncommon for boys to like other boys. On the flip side, it's also not totally unheard of for boys to hate other boys but enjoy screwing them.
Theoretically, Hibari can belong to the latter group.
Tsuna shakes his head. No. Get a grip, Dame-Tsuna, he berates himself, for even making that consideration. Yamamoto's pulling his leg. Or being delusional, attributable to excess inhalation of chlorinated water. He has to be because any other alternative is unthinkable.
"Tenth."
Well okay, maybe not unthinkable, because here he is, thinking about it.
Still. It's absurd. There is absolutely no way that the Hibari Kyouya would want to do those kinds of things to a herbivore like him. Yamamoto wasn't even there when it happened. What the heck did Dino tell—
His eyes widen. Dino-san! Yes, he'll clear this out. Yamamoto was probably reading too much on it, and probably heard "Tsuna" when Dino was actually saying "Turtle." Or something. Although, he doesn't think it's any more probable that Hibari was turned on by Enzio. That's actually pretty disturbing.
"Tenth."
He vaguely remembers Mukuro laughing himself sick while Hibari chased Dino around the forest, right after he yelled out something about Lussuria and sequins. But Dino had assured him later that it wasn't Lussuria, and Tsuna always trusts Dino's words, especially when it's about Hibari.
So what, it's either Tsuna or Enzio? If it's Enzio, then why? What does Enzio have that Tsuna doesn't? Aside from having the ability to squish humans like little bugs, given specific water levels, and shrink himself to be the right size to fit in Dino's pocket that is. On his part, Tsuna is often the one on the squished end, and he definitely won't fit in Dino's pocket no matter what he does.
... Is that what turns Hibari-san on in the first place?
The heat spreads from his cheeks to his arms, and he fights down a groan. Is he seriously comparing himself to a mutating turtle, and competing against it for Hibari's affections? And is he losing? Wow, even his own brain is mocking him. Reborn's gonna have a field day with this.
"Tenth!"
Gokudera's worried voice jolts him out of his reverie. He turns to his side and looks at his right hand man.
"Are you okay?" Gokudera mouths.
Tsuna forces out a smile, his fist tightening unconsciously. "Of course, Gokudera-kun, why wouldn't I be?"
Gokudera points at Tsuna's desk. Tsuna follows his gaze, confused.
Then he realizes that the pencil he is clutching in his hand is on fire.
"Hieee!" he screeches, and in his panic, he accidentally throws the burning implement at the front of the class, where it lands on Sakaguchi-sensei. Specifically, Sakaguchi-sensei's linen shirt. There's a collective gasp from the class, a second of silence, as Tsuna's classmates stare at him, then at their teacher.
Of course, with Tsuna's luck, what happens next is a given.
0
Tsuna stands rigidly in front of Hibari's large oak desk in the DC office, wondering how a day that started out so well is about to end so miserably and possibly with broken bones.
"I have to commend you for your sheer nerve, Sawada Tsunayoshi," Hibari says, without looking at him, steel blue eyes running over the incident report prepared by Kusakabe. "I've seen many transgressions in this school but this is the first time I've had someone set his teacher on fire."
"I didn't mean to…" Tsuna mumbles to Hibari's pink rabbit paperweight.
"Oh? And I suppose the pencil just spontaneously burst into flames and launched itself to your teacher?"
"I was… distracted."
"Distracted." Hibari puts his pen down and narrows his eyes at him. "By what?"
"Um…" Tsuna starts, desperately trying to think of a way to answer that question without sounding like a crazy person. He couldn't possibly admit to Hibari that the reason he somehow activated his dying will flames unconsciously was because he was seriously debating the merits of his cloud guardian being attracted to his big brother's pet turtle, could he?
Luckily, he is saved from answering when the door is flung open.
"TSUNA!" Dino barrels into Hibari's office, looking wild-eyed and out of breath. "Is it true?" He quickly closes the door and scoots beside Tsuna before Hibari can launch his new paperweight at him. " Did you light Sakaguchi-san on fire?"
Tsuna bites his lip. "It was an accident!"
"Ha! Good job, the guy's a total jackass," Dino says, and immediately cowers at Hibari's glare. "I mean, that's very bad Tsuna, you naughty boy. Don't do that."
"You should've thrown something bigger," Hibari scolds, as he turns back to the report. Both Dino and Tsuna throw him questioning looks and he shrugs. "Well, he is a jackass herbivore."
Tsuna wrings his hands. "Is he okay?"
"The school nurse says he needs two weeks of therapy," Dino answers, and snaps his fingers. "Which reminds me- guess who your new substitute English teacher is?"
Hibari rolls his eyes while Tsuna smiles tentatively. "You?"
"Yeah! Haha, it's like old times isn't it!" Dino beams, slinging an arm around Tsuna and turning to Hibari. "Now you can't tell me I have no business being here, Kyouya."
"Whatever," Hibari says, and slams the papers down on the desk, making Tsuna jump and Dino wince. "Now, Sawada. It's time to exact the penalty for your actions." He stands up, his newly polished tonfas twirling to place, and relishes the nervous look on the herbivore's face, especially the way those warm brown irises are dilated with fear.
Hibari's gait is slow, but deliberate, biding his time. Tsuna unconsciously takes a few steps back, knowing he's just prolonging the inevitable but unable to stop the reflex. His back hits the wall. Hibari smiles and raises his arm. Tsuna squeezes his eyes shut and braces himself for several worlds of pain.
Hibari has just finished deciding that he will not strike Sawada's face because it's cute and it pleases him, and that he'll just give Sawada the mild inconvenience of a damaged kidney, when Dino makes wild waving motions with his hands, and hurriedly types something on his iPad. Two seconds later, the words 'BL Cliché' Punishment' marquee across the screen.
"… What the hell is BL?" Hibari asks irritably, arm still poised in mid-air and realizes he asked that out loud when Sawada's eyes crack open, nonplussed, and Dino is looking like he wants to slam his face onto his tablet.
"Hibari-san?"
Hibari says nothing but he drops his arm and makes angry eyes at Dino, so Tsuna turns towards his big brother. "Dino-san, what's going on? What about BL?"
"Broken legs," Dino blurts out. "... is not really a justifiable punishment for something like this, Kyouya."
"Oh." Tsuna breathes out a sigh of relief. Dino-san is so kind, using his teacher privileges to stop Hibari from shattering his knee-caps. He makes a mental note to invite Dino over for dinner to thank him.
Hibari wants nothing more than to skin the pony herbivore alive for usurping his authority and giving Sawada an entirely wrong impression of what he's about to do. But Cavallone has also successfully planted the idea that this punishment could be used to his advantage, so he'll settle for just giving his mentor the damaged kidney later. Making a quick decision, he grits his teeth and pulls his tonfa back in his sleeves. "He is correct. Currently, there is nothing in the handbook detailing what sanctions to give offenses of this nature."
Tsuna blinks. "So… I'm not getting punished?"
"Oh you will be. But I shall first need to come up with a suitable punishment." Hibari strides back to his chair, and jots down Sawada Tsunayoshi: Pending Punishment on an orange post-it note. "I will inform you when and what it is once I've deliberated on it," he says, sticking the note on the upper right hand corner of his computer monitor." He graces Sawada with a cool look. "You are dismissed ."
Tsuna doesn't need to be told twice. He gives Hibari a little bow, and hurriedly walks out, Dino at his heels.
"Not you, Cavallone. Stay."
Dino stops by the doorway and motions for Tsuna to go ahead without him. However, he doesn't walk back into the room. Instead, he only turns around just enough to look at Hibari. "I have to attend the staff meeting, Kyouya," he says apologetically. Then he checks to see if Tsuna's fully out of earshot before turning back. "I know you'll miss my wise teachings but worry not! Yamamoto will be dropping by to give you some fresh perspectives."
Hibari frowns. "Yamamoto Takeshi?" Is Cavallone seriously expecting him to take lessons from an underclassman?
"Yeah. That boy gets around, believe me," Dino says, with a fond little smile. "And he's been around Tsuna longer than I have so he might be able to answer your more specific questions."
Hibari hates to admit it but Dino has a point. Besides, he's seen what Yamamoto Takeshi can do with a sword, so he makes it to Hibari's 'Tolerable Herbivores Shortlist.' "Fine."
"Great!" Dino checks his watch. "I have to go Kyouya, but I'll see you tomorrow!" And before Hibari can reply or throw something at him, Dino closes the door and leaves. A few seconds later, a loud metallic crash and Dino's familiar undignified yelping resound throughout the corridor, and Hibari feels a bit vindicated. Annoyed as he is that his mentor escaped the punishment due to him, it would disrupt the order of his school if teachers cannot attend the requisite meetings, so he supposes he could let this one go.
Hibari looks at the clock, notes that it's twelve minutes until the end of classes, and waits.
0
"Sorry Hibari, I got some errands to run today, but I got you some study materials!" Yamamoto then hands Hibari a DVD lightscribed with a lurid image of unicorns with rainbow manes, frolicking across a field, with the words "Double Trouble, Twincest Yoga Masters Edition" written in crude marker in the middle. "Oh, and don't mind the cover, that's the only blank cd design available in the store."
"… What the hell is this?"
Yamamoto grins. "Well, in your case, it's called a documentary on human mating rituals. I just call it porn."
"Pornography. You're giving me pornography." Hibari has yet to decide whether to punch the rain herbivore in the face for his audacity, or give him three seconds to provide a suitable explanation. Yamamoto is looking at him with that stupid, too-happy smile which annoys him, so he goes with the former.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"For wasting my time. "
"What, that's perfectly good porn."
Hibari turns away. "You shouldn't have bothered. I already have quite a collection."
"You do?" Yamamoto's eyes light up. "Want to swap?"
Hibari clocks him across the jaw again, harder this time. "I should bite you dead for your insinuation," he snarls. "They're not mine. I confiscated them from that perverted doctor."
"Oh that's alright then," Yamamoto says, rubbing his slightly swelling cheek. "Mine is special. By that I mean, it's boys doing boys." He grins victoriously when Hibari pauses and appears to give it some consideration. "Believe me, it's awesome porn and good reference material."
"I see." Hibari turns the DVD in his hands. "You are certain this is informative?"
"Yup! But uh, don't attempt the ultimate glazed pretzel position- it's a bit difficult to replicate unless you're double-jointed or a contortionist."
Hibari shrugs, but takes note of the information, and tucks the DVD in his book bag. "Very well," he says. "I shall use this for reference material, as you recommended. If I find out you wasted my time, I'll bite you to death."
"Haha, sure thing Hibari! Anyway, I need to go," Yamamoto says, checking his phone. "Enjoy the boys!" He gives Hibari a saucy little wink, which stuns the prefect long enough for Yamamoto to slip away before Hibari can throw another punch.
Hibari growls. What is it with people getting away with punishment today? Extremely displeased, he picks up his tonfa and stomps out the door, determined to rectify this immediately.
Right now, he's got a school to discipline. He'll work out whatever that sugar pastry position is later.
0
"What do you mean you bailed on Kyouya?" Dino whines over the phone.
"I'm sorry Dino-san, but the Hanshin Tigers are playing the Giants this weekend, and I couldn't pass on the chance for lowerbox tickets. It was supposed to be sold-out long ago."
"Is that it? You know I'm Cavallone Decimo right?"
"Yeah and…?"
"And I have connections."
"Oh haha! I didn't think about that, sorry," Yamamoto says, keeping his phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he squeezes past two workers out of the train. "But I did give him study material."
"Study material?"
"Yup. Twincest, yoga masters edition."
"Ohmygod, you gave him porn?" Dino all but screeches. Then a pause. "Huh. Why didn't I think of that?"
"Yeah so anyway, I'll join you tomorrow," Yamamoto says as he sprints over to a bus stop, and waves. "We can tag-team him then."
"Ooh kinky. I mean, sounds great. See you then!"
Yamamoto flips the phone closed and turns towards his companion. "You said you got tickets for me?"
Chrome smooths down her skirt as she stands up. "Mukuro-sama says you need to pick them up from Kokuyo land." She pauses and looks up at him hesitantly. "He says he doesn't want cash, and that you'll have to pay him back with a few hours of um … manual labor."
Yamamoto laughs. "Is that it? Sure thing!" he says, grinning as he holds out his arm to a bewildered Chrome who is clearly expecting more resistance. "Let's go!"
-TBC-
Post A/N: Apologies for the lateness of this update. This was actually supposed to be a much longer chapter, but I decided to cut it in half, as I've breached 9k wordcount, and that's about the size of the previous two chapters combined. On the upside, the next update will not take long, as it's 80% done. And it contains 6927. CRAZY 6927. No preview, but it will be posted on or before this Sunday.
As always, C&Cs are appreciated!
Guest replies:
To Guest with the comment about 1880: Dude, your description of my prose as "upscale" fills my heart with some variety of confounded joy because those are truly inspirational words for a fic that contains the phrase "giant turtle cock." You know what, just for that, I'm going to do more Yamamoto – Hibari interaction (it's my third favourite ship anyway, after D80 and 6927) to make up for not pushing through with that scene in this chapter.
To Meanne: I'm glad you liked my Yamamoto and even gladder that I made you feel better after your bad day! And whoot, more support for D80! As for reviews- I'm a quality over quantity girl, so I'd rather get one solid review from you than a hundred ones generated for the sake of review count.
See you next update!
