SCENE THREE

(BELLA is laying down on a bed. EDWARD is sitting in a rocking chair. There are dirty clothes everywhere.)

EDWARD
Guess what, guess what, Bella Swan?
I want you to have my spawn.
Did you know that you're my love?
'Cause you're fragile, like a dove
So please, oh please, Bella Swan
Pretty please just mow the lawn

Yeah, I'm talking down there…

BELLA
Huh? Eh? Sleep talk? Mumble, mumble…

EDWARD
You're so beautiful when you are in a slightly comatose state.

BELLA
Hmm…? Edward… and Bella… sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S…. I-N-G… first comes love… then comes marriage… then comes Edward and Bella's spawn in a baby carriage…

EDWARD
Stupid Bella! You're giving away the plot!

(EDWARD roars like a lion and runs from the room. BELLA sits up suddenly.)

BELLA
Oh… it was just a dream. Edward and I didn't really have a demon spawn who tried to eat me from the inside out. Too bad…

(A light shines from the corner of the room.)

BELLA
Oh, so sparkly! Maybe it's my love, Edward Cullen! I better go see!

(BELLA chases it out. JAMES and VICTORIA enter.)

VICTORIA
See, I told you that she would fall for it…

JAMES
Mmm, do you smell that?

VICTORIA
What, her dirty socks, or the delicious scent of her blood…?

JAMES
No, another vampire has been here. It's that delicious vampire. I know it. Only he could smell this sexy.

VICTORIA
Would you stop that? I think the sock fumes are going to your head. Come on, let's find some of her clothes for our army to smell, so they can hunt her down.

JAMES
Why don't we just kill her now?

VICTORIA
Because, we need to give this thing a semblance of a plot. Don't worry though, you'll still get to fight someone.

JAMES
And the army? Since when do we have an army.

VICTORIA
Oh, dear. I told you I wasn't cheating on you when I spent all those months in Florida. I was actually building an army of half-permanently intoxicated teenage vampires from when they were on spring break.

JAMES
Wouldn't sober adults have been better?

VICTORIA
Yes, but how else would we explain why they're so out of control?

JAMES
I see.

VICTORIA
How is it that I can't find any clean clothes…?

JAMES
Here! I found… some crusty underwear…

VICTORIA
Isn't there anything el-

BELLA (O.S.)
Oh, it wasn't Edward. Man, and I was going to tell him that I'll love him even though he's a vampire, and even though he told me that the urge to kill me because he thinks that maybe the stench of death would overpower the scent of my B.O…

VICTORIA
Quick! We must go! Grab and underwear and let's run!

JAMES
Right!

(JAMES grabs a handful of clothes as he and VICTORIA run away. BELLA stumbles back in.)

BELLA
It was so sparkly. I was sure it was him. I love him so much. I am so totally in love with him.

Sparkle, sparkle, E. Cullen
How I wish you weren't sullen
Did you know that you're my love?
'Cause you are from up above
Yes that's right you are a god
So please on my heart, do not trod.


If you couldn't guess, both songs were Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star/ Sparkle Sparkle, E. Cullen/ Guess What Guess What, Bella Swan