I had so many things running through my head that I really needed to sort them all out with Frank. It wasn't supposed to be like this, he wasn't supposed to see me crying. I hate being vulnerable like that! Ugh, and my face was killing me. I really do need healthier habits when it comes to being mad. I'm horrible at being practical.
"About what?" Frank looked calm, but his words were shaky.
"Tonight might be a good place to start."
"Okay. Go ahead."
"Well," I paused, mulling over my words, "I'm confused."
"That makes two of us."
I laughed. A twenty-six year old and a thirty-one year old who had no idea what they were doing. "Huh. Okay. So there's that."
"Oh, that was some great clarification." Frank rolled his eyes.
"Okay, fine. If you want to be a smartass about this, then…" I trailed off, getting out of my chair.
"Stay." Frank ordered.
"Alright." I sat back down.
"I have a good point to bring up." Frank suggested.
"Okay, shoot."
"WE'RE MARRIED!"
"Oh, gee, thanks. Couldn't have figured that one out."
"Sorry. But, you know, we are."
My heart fell. "Yeah, I know. So I take that as a no."
"A no?" Frank looked confused.
"You don't feel anything for me."
There was a pause.
"Well," Frank cleared his throat, "uh, no."
Unsurprisingly, tears sprang to my eyes. I was jealous of Frank's ability to say something like that firmly. "Good, because I don't, either. That'd be weird." I practically winced at every word I said. I can never believe myself.
Frank laughed. "Yeah. Definitely weird."
"So, uh, I'm gonna turn in. G'night, Frank."
"'Night, Gee."
I sulked away to my bedroom with no intention of actually sleeping. I dug out my notebook from my suitcase, anxious to write some lyrics. But nothing came to mind. Shit. Maybe sleep would be good. I lay down, fully clothed, and thought of Frankie. Of course he didn't love me. I was stupid to think he did. His hand slipped in the water, he was just being a nice guy in the car. That's just who Frank is. What would make me so special? Fuck.
I felt something staring at me, so I opened my eyes. I found a big pair of hazel eyes looking back at me.
"JESUS, FRANK!"
"Shhh! Sorry. I thought you were awake."
"I was."
"Oh."
"What is it that you wanted?"
"To… apologize."
"For what?!" I demanded.
"For, uh, for lying to you."
"What'd you lie about?" I was confused. Did he divorce Jamia?
"How I felt."
I raised an eyebrow. Still confused.
"Gerard!" Frank stood up, annoyed. "You don't get it?"
"I do not. Could ya maybe spell it out?"
"I don't know how I can make myself any clearer."
I slapped a hand to my forehead. "You could just go ahead an outright tell me."
"No, I can't. And I'm sorry again."
"For what?"
"Wasting your time." Frank sulked out of the room.
I grumbled and turned over, trying desperately to sleep. But it was light out before I could actually manage to.
I had a series of messed up dreams. Mostly about Frank, though. One was about zombies coming to kill me, but the Frank ones were more grave. In one, he died before I got to tell him how I felt. In another, we were having some really awesome sex; that was cool. In my last one, I was the one who died before I got to tell him how I felt. I'm even tragic in my subconscious. Depressing!
I didn't actually wake up until about four o'clock. The guys were all gathered around in the living room, watching T.V. I couldn't look at Frank more than once, the way he was sitting on the floor made him look so fucking adorable. Plus, I didn't know if we were on speaking terms or not.
"Hey, look who's up!" Ray nodded to me from the couch.
"Mm, hi." I mumbled.
"We bought loads of food," Mikey enthused. "And coffee. Of course."
I smiled appreciatively. Mikey knew me too well. I shuffled into the kitchen and put on a fresh pot of coffee. I sat up on the counter and breathed the aroma in, almost tasting the coffee. Yes, I'll admit, in place of alcohol and drugs, coffee has been just as bad. But it's not something I'd need an intervention for.
I was interrupted by someone coming into the kitchen, and when I saw who it was, I nearly fell off the counter.
"Hi." Frank said, looking at the floor.
"Hey."
"How's it goin'?"
That was very Frankie. Making small talk no matter what. "Shitty. You?"
"Same." he sighed.
"Oh. Well that sucks."
"Yeah." Frank scuffed his sock feet on the tile. "Listen."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry, once again, for how I acted yesterday."
"Don't sweat it! I had no idea what you were talking about, so we can just erase that."
Frank giggled. "Cool. Hey, the four of us were gonna camp out on the beach tonight, and we were wondering if you wanted to come, too."
I thought for a minute. It did sound like fun, aside from the sand that would undoubtedly make its way into my hair, my mouth, everywhere. "Uh, yeah, sure. You guys got room for me?"
"Gee! We're My Chemical Romance. We don't just leave out our Frontman."
"Well I just thought that since I didn't really contribute to anything today…"
"You needed sleep. I actually," Frank paused to laugh, "heard you dreaming last night."
Shit. "Oh, did you?"
"Yeah. You talk really loud in your sleep."
"I do?" My stomach churned. Frank could have heard my raunchy sex dream! Crap.
"Yup. So I heard you screaming because of the zombies, and I checked on you. Only I think the zombie dream was over. Because you were thrashing around screaming for me?"
"What, uh," I cleared my throat, "what kind of screaming?"
"Sad screaming. I think I might have gotten kidnapped or died, from what I gathered. Thanks for caring."
"Oh, don't mention it."
"And so I stuck around, you know, to make sure you didn't hurt yourself. You had these two other dreams, one of which, I think you were the one who died, and in the other one, well…"
"Well what?" I pretended I didn't know.
"You were kinda…" Frank trailed off.
"Go on."
"You were, ah, moving about quite a bit. And moaning. So, I left to give you some privacy, because whoever was in that dream was giving it to you pretty good."
"I didn't mention names?" I chuckled.
"Nope. But might I say, you turned me gay for a sec when you were moaning like that."
HUH?! "Gee, thanks. That wasn't weird at all."
"My compliments are twisted. You'll learn to love 'em."
I decided to be bold. "I already do."
"Thanks. So, ah, we were gonna leave soon. Actually, now. We're all packed, so come on!"
"Cool!" I enthused.
The guys and I got in the car, Bob being the one to drive. He parked in this remote corner of the beach and we unpacked. I noticed there were no tents or anything. Just blankets. Which meant I'd be getting up close and personal with sand. Ew.
I set up my little sleeping area, I was in the middle, beside Frank and Mikey. Crap. Being beside Frank was going to be an issue. He was such a cute sleeper I could hardly stand it.
"Gee?" I heard Ray's voice from behind me.
"What?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Yeah, sure."
Ray led me to the car and I leaned against the door. "So," he began, "what's on your mind?"
"What do you mean?"
"I can tell when something's bugging you. You just get different."
"I miss Lindsey, for one."
"That's not all."
"You're right, it's not. But it's something I'd like to keep from the rest of the band."
"That's not healthy, Gee."
"I know. But since when was I ever healthy?" I smirked.
"Touché."
Ray and I trudged through the sand to find Frank, Bob, and Mikey in the water. Frank was being his normal self, bugging the shit out of Bob. This time he was throwing globs of sand at Bob, while Mikey was trying to restrain him. I could hear his boyish laugh. God, help me.
Ray was stripping down and running in the water with the rest of them. I decided to roam along the sand. Nothing but confusion had happened since I was in that stupid water. And it was quite another thing that I picked sand over water.
"'Rardy!" I heard Frank call my name from the water. I just waved and smiled.
"Come in!" he cried.
"Fuck no! It's cold!" That wasn't the only reason I didn't want to go in.
"You went in last night!"
The rest of the band, Mikey in particular, was staring at me now. I sighed and undid my belt buckle. "Fine, Frankers. Just for you." I left my shirt on like I had done before, and ran in to join my best friends.
It was all fine and dandy until Frank insisted I take my shirt off, because even Bob had. I refused, and then, out of nowhere, Frank yanked off my Misfits shirt. "Christ!" I exclaimed, shivering.
"Oh, you're okay."
I smiled, Frank rolled his eyes. He knew full well what was coming next. "I'm not oh-fucking-kay! How many times do I have to tell you?!"
"A lot more!" Frank splashed me with a great big handful of saltwater. I sputtered and coughed and tackled him onto a sand bar. We were having so much fun, we didn't notice that the rest of the guys had gotten out of the water and towelled off and dressed.
For a guy who didn't love me back, Frank could steal my attention faster than an MSI bassist.
