Mass Effect: The things that need to be Parodied: Therum

On the SSV Normandy…

"Hey, now I'm curious," Shepard pondered. "What does the 'V' on 'SSV' stand for?"

"Uhh, Commander?" Joker said through the intercom. "We're nearing the planet of Therum. You know, the place where Benezia's daughter is?"

"Oh, sorry." Shepard said. "I got distracted. Alright, take us down for a landing."

"Right, I'm going to drop you in the Mako." Joker confirmed.

"Mako? What the hell is a 'Mako'?"

"You know, sometimes it pays to actually read the Codex."


On Therum's surface…

Commander Shepard, along with Urdnot Wrex and Kaiden Alenko, dropped to the planet's surface below, in what had to be the largest, heaviest and down-right ungodly machination that was the Mako driving utility.

Shepard whistled. "Wow, 5 feet of extra leg space, 16 gears, an extra, extra large cup-holder and consumes gas faster than an Alliance Star Cruiser. No wonder they're releasing this vehicle for the general population."

Kaiden nodded. "Alright, now let's go!"

Shepard did what any normal person who's ever driven a car before did and rammed the right foot pedal. Unfortunately, that set off the chain machine gun.

"Wait…" Shepard, then tried to use a special button to forward the vehicle. However, all this succeeded to do was make the Mako jump several feet in the air.

"Huh, I didn't know this thing came equipped with hydraulics." Shepard continued to fiddle around with the controls, activating such systems as the portable DVD player, the massage chairs, the surround sound system and the built-in microwave (to enjoy Hot Pockets).

Finally consulting the Prima Official Strategy guide, Shepard finally figured out in order to move the vehicle, he had to adjust the wheel forward, like how one would fly a starship.

The Vehicle chugged along at a slow pace, grinding whatever dirt was in their path.

"You know, at first I was skeptical, but this isn't so bad!" Shepard replied.

"Commander!" Kaiden cried out. "You're headed into that Lava pit! Turn the other direction!"

Shepard tried to do this, but the Mako's driving controls wouldn't respond. Suddenly, Shepard pushed the hydraulics button in order to save themselves, but unfortunately landed in the hot lava as a result of the poor physics.

"Aaagh!" The crew cried out, as the screen slowly faded out.

Critical Mission Failure

Luckily the game had enough common sense to have an auto-save to revive Shepard in case he possessed the driving skills of Elder Hanharr.

"Okay, let's try this again, but slowly."

So, once again, Shepard drove the monstrous tank towards the location indicated on the map. However, it wasn't long before they met with their first combat scenario. A large Geth vessel dropped several Geth Armatures as they began firing at the Mako.

"Quick, jump now!" Kaiden yelled.

"Wait, now or now- oof!" More and more the hull was getting penetrated, the Geth missiles and rockets were too much for them to handle! The main engine exploded.

"Aaagh!" Cried the crew, saving their last moments of life.

Critical Mission Failure

Re-spawning once again, Shepard took things nice and slow. He carefully drove through the trenches, past the lava pits and carefully timed the jumps to defeat the Geth Armatures. However, as they met with another party, the Lieutenant made a terrible mistake.

"Quick, I'll use the Omni-gel to fix the hull!"

"Alenko, no!" Shepard cried out. As Kaiden slowly fixed the hull, Geth continued firing at the shuttle, weakening its shields before…

"Oh, this is a load of crap." Shepard pouted as everything faded to black.

Critical Mission Failure

"Dammit, this is ridiculous, I should be at least at the halfway mark by now!" Shepard grumbled to himself.

Alas, Shepard's crew went through the arduous task of driving slowly and carefully, timing the jumps perfectly, using omni-gel only when there was no enemy in sight.

After 45 minutes of navigation with the Mako, the crew found themselves at a very narrow runway, able to fit three soldiers. And so they went through the passage.

"Huh," Shepard muttered to the side. "Never thought I'd be glad to be walking somewhere."

"And your species wonders why we don't drive so much…" Wrex grumbled.

After mowing down several enemies, thanks to the casual difficulty setting and the fact that a large angry Krogan was on Shepard's side, the crew continued towards the mines. However, they were met with a rather unsightly roadblock when a Geth ship dropped several Geth troops including and Armature.

"Okay, as long as we take cover and avoid the Armature's main gun, we should be safe."

Just then, a groan could be heard coming from Alenko's position. Both Wrex and Shepard stared at Kaiden's unconscious body.

"Me and my big mouth… Wrex! Run for cover!"

The large Krogan did so as they returned fire. Using the skills he had obtained from Gears of War, Shepard realized his folly.

"Of course! I cast Unity!" With the aid of his Spectre Training, Kaiden came back to life, shooting as much as he could from his pistol.

"Great! Now all I have to do is use medi-gel and-"

Kaiden then fell unconscious on account that he did not take cover.

"Oh for- Well, at least I got you, don't I, Wrex? Wrex?"

Shepard turned to see the mighty Krogan unconscious.

"Do I have to do everything myself around here!" Shepard grumbled as he fired shots at the Armature, dodged its energy attack, attacked, dodged, ad nausem.

Finally, Shepard won and made sure he saved his game before entering into the tunnels. The Normandy crew then proceeded to run through the tunnels, plowing through the normal Geth and noticing the Prothean artifacts on the way down.

"Hey, reminds me of tiles on the bathroom." Kaiden commented to himself.

Wrex scoffed, "Tschh… on my world, dirt was the only floor for our bathrooms. Hell, some of us use dirt as the bathroom."

After that rather uncomfortable moment, the crew proceeded to use another elevator. However, before they could get halfway, the elevator broke down and screeched to a halt. Shepard looked around.

"Huh. Am I the only one who's glad the elevator broke?"

"No." Wrex and Kaiden said at the same time.

Finally, trapped within her little bubble, an Asari scientist was bemusing to herself.

"Would you like more tea, Mrs. Nesbit? Why, I think your skin looks lovely Dah'zarr!" she said in a half delusional state.

"Something tells me we should've got here sooner. Dr. T'soni? I'm Commander Shepard, what's going on?"

Liara turned to the crew. "Hmm… I was hoping you'd be taller and bore a closer resemblance to Michael Buble, but I suppose you'll do. Imagination, strip down slowly and sensually so I may look upon your rock hard abs."

Wrex couldn't help but snicker a bit.

Shepard tried more reasoning, "No, I'm not a figment of your imagination. I'm a marine for the Alliance who needs your help."

"Silence, Imagination! If I tell you to strip, then you shall do so!"

The Commander sighed and sucked in his breath, "But you're so far away. How can I ever make sweet love to you when there's a wall between us?"

"Hmm…" The Asari smiled seductively. "You do make a good point. Imagination, find a way out of here so you may take me! There might be a mining laser under here. Hurry, for I long for your loins."

Shepard turned and faced his crew. "You tell anyone about this, and I will kill you."

The crew found even more Geth waiting for them and made short work of them. Once the area had been clear of Geth, Shepard happened upon a mining laser.

"Hmm… This looks like a job for The Prima Official Strategy Guide!"

Wrex whispered to the Lieutenant, "Couldn't he just go on the holonet and look up the files?"

Kaiden shrugged, "I guess he doesn't want to leave the game…"

"I got it! The code is, A, X, B, Y!" After a quick press of the buttons, the mining laser drilled a hole through.

The crew then proceeded to take an elevator up to find Liara T'soni, trapped in a bubble.

Dr. T'soni smiled seductively. "Oh, it's you. My, my, you are much more rugged looking in person- Oh my goodness! You're real!"

"Great," Shepard muttered to himself. "The one moment I wanted her to think I was an imagination. I need your help against Saren."

After a quick press of the button, Liara was released from her prison.

"Why would Saren be after me, though?"

Kaiden responded. "It's possible that it may be related to the Conduit. Do you know what it is?"

"Not really, no. Umm… Commander. I realize my previous comments may have been… inappropriate. Please accept my apologies."

Shepard shook his head, "Don't worry about it; I didn't really mean anything I said, either."

"Oh." Liara frowned. "So you don't find me attractive?"

"No. No! I mean, I think you're very attractive, it's just that- well- it's very complicated…"

Suddenly the ground rumbled beneath their feet.

"What the hell was that?" Wrex commented.

"Oh no!" Liara said. "You may have triggered a volcanic eruption from that mining laser. If we don't hurry, this will be a bigger catastrophe than Revenge of the Sith."

"Do you mean bad as in surrounded by lava or bad as in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones?"

"Both."

"Oh, good grief. Joker! Pick us up, ASAP!"

"Aye, Aye, Captain." Joker said through the com. "E.T.A. 8 minutes."

Wrex roared. "If we die down here, I'll kill him."

As they took the elevator up, Shepard turned to the Krogan.

"Wrex, how would that even be possible?"

"Hey, don't question the ways of the Krogan."

Finally, the crew was lifted up, only to be met with a Krogan mercenary with several Geth following him.

Shepard quickly nudged Wrex on the shoulder, "Quick, Wrex. Say something."

Unfortunately, the Krogan did not take this response well. "Oh? You assume just because I'm a Krogan I know every other Krogan in the galaxy? What if I assumed that you somehow knew the Ambassador of the Citadel? Would that make you feel okay?"

"But I know the Ambassador-"

Wrex roared loudly- "It was a hypothetical! Don't just assume other people know each other just because they're of the same specie-"

"Wrex?" The Krogan bounty hunter commented.

"Da'varkk?" Wrex said.

"Hey, how have you been?" The Krogan bounty hunter said.

"You know me, hanging around Chora's Den, Shadow Broker paying me some credits it's been good."

"Good to hear. Listen, I don't want to be a blank in a shotgun, but Saren's paying me good credits for the Doctor. Do you mind?"

"No can do. Saren's rotten anyways."

"Looks like we can't settle this with words; attack!" The Krogan and his Geth began firing as Shepard and Wrex took cover.

"You call 'that' talking out your differences?" Shepard shouted under a hail of gunfire.

"Hey, one way or another, this relationship would've ended with us shooting at each other."

As Shepard and the crew finally managed to defeat the Geth and evade the raging Krogan's melee attacks, the crew ran for cover as the ruins continued to fall all around them.

At long last the crew made it out alive and breathed a heavy sigh of relief as Joker picked them up.


The meeting room…

Unfortunately, this gave Joker the one thing he already had: bragging rights.

Through the intercom, he wailed. "Oooh Yeah! Who's the man! Who's the man with the plan who can pilot a spaceship like no one else can! Uh-huh! What, what!"

Shepard simply stared up at the intercom. "Uhh… Joker?"

"No thanks are needed, Captain! Just the fact that your safe thanks to my badass piloting skills makes it all up."

"Joker…"

"Uh-huh, doing the Cabbage Patch. What, what?"

"Joker, if you stop now, I'm going to show that movie you were in."

Then, com chatter was dead for a while.

"Aye, aye, Commander…"

The ground team felt relieved to hear this.

Ashley spoke up first, "What was so bad that Joker didn't want to hear us talk about it?"

"You don't want to know…" Shepard shook his head. "Anyway, Dr. T'soni, Saren was after you because you had knowledge of the Conduit, right?"

The Asari shook her head. "No, I do however know a great deal about the Protheans. They were a the pinnacle of their existence before they were suddenly wiped out. According to my studies, the Protheans were not the first to discover the Citadel. In fact, it could be said that there others, even further back who discovered the Citadel and lived off it."

Shepard nodded. "The Reapers wiped them out."

"Reapers? The Sentient machines who think all organics are meatbags and want to destroy the galaxy? Interesting…"

"I found a Prothean Beacon on Eden Prime and it gave me nightmares. You can help me translate them, right?"

Liara gulped, "Uhh… no. Prothean knowledge would've been scrambled. You would need some sort of… translator in order to get it working."

"Then, as Benezia's daughter, you know what's going on."

Dr. T'soni crossed her arms. "I am not on speaking terms with my mother. I could care less about what she did!"

Shepard sighed. "Then, what can you do?"

"Simple. As an Asari, I have a wide variety of Biotics I can use. In addition to that, I possess the most broken power in the game: Singularity."

"Singularity?"

"I open up a black hole and everyone withn 10 feet gets caught in its vortex, leaving them helpless to gunfire."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "Do our enemies have access to this?"

"None whatsoever."

"Welcome aboard!"

As the crew left for their respective quarters, Joker spoke up. "Commander, we're nearing a com relay. Want me to patch you through to the Council?"

Shepard nodded. "Alright."

"You stupid idiot!" The Turian Ambassador screamed immediately, once the pop-up graphics settled.

"Wow, nice to see you, too." Shepard shrugged sheepishly.

"Don't you give us that courtesy nonsense! We're here to chew you out, and blame you for your faults."

The Asari Councilor spoke up, "That's just him. I'm here to pat you on the back, even though you made a mistake."

Finally, the Salarian Councilor spoke up, "And I'm here to give you unnecessary advice."

"Is this going to happen everytime I contact you?" Shepard asked.

"Yes." The Council spoke in unison.

"Very well, get on with it."

The Asari Representative spoke first. "It is good that Dr. T'soni was kept alive."

"But, she could be working as a double agent for Saren! How can you be so sure that she won't betray you?" The Turian Councilor spoke.

"Considering the fact that she was half-delusional when I found her and that Saren's men were trying to kill her, I think it's safe to say she's on our side."

Finally the Salarian Councilor spoke. "Very well, Commander. We're just here to make sure all your options are available to you. Ending Transmission."

Shepard shook his head, "What the hell is this? American Idol?"


A few moments ago, in the main deck…

Ashley Williams confronted the Asari doctor and looked at her straight in the eye.

"Okay look, professor. I don't know how they handle relationships in your world, but we have a saying on Earth. 'First come, First serve."

Liara shrugged. "We also have a saying on my planet. 'those with maternal insticts succeed where paternal instincts fail.'"

"What?" The Gunnery Chief said, losing her temper.

"I said, in layman's terms of course, "Bring it on, Bitch'"

All someone had to do was yell, "Catfight!" and the rivalry was on. Immediately, the two began to tackle and wrestle with one another, until the doors opened. Then they quickly resumed to their normal NPC positions.

Shepard thought it odd to find everyone so calm.

"Is something going on here?"

Quickly, Normandy's crew leapt straight to denial. "No. Nope. Nothing. Is something going on? I didn't notice."

Shepard nodded and walked away. "You know, now that I have some time to myself, I should get to know my crew."

After a quick trip down to the mess, Shepard first met with Kaiden Alenko.

"Hey, Lt. How's it going?"

The Lieutenant faced Shepard. "Not great, I seem to be constantly sweating. Maybe an air conditioner would help."

Shepard thought for a moment, "Are you sure it's not your migraines acting up, on account of your still using the L2 implants?"

Kaiden stood silent for a while. "No, I'm pretty sure it's the heat. Anyway, what are you here to talk about?"

Shepard shrugged, "You know me, I'm just looking for some backstory. Tell me about yourself."

Kaiden shrugged, "Well, I guess I could tell about my time in Whispering Rock Psychic summer camp. I remember breaking into the facility, but I was quickly accepted. There, I made friends such as Dogen, enemies such as Bobby Zilch and-"

Shepard stopped the Lieutenant midway. "Umm… Kaiden, I think you're talking about a different game."

"Oh, sorry. I sometimes mix my bland childhood with something interesting. Well, after the intial exposures to e-zero, it was determined I was a biotic and then I was taken from home. That's all I'm going to tell you."

"That… was more background information than actual backstory, Lt."

Kaiden shrugged, "Hey, come ask me another time."

Shepard shrugged. He then went into the medbay, and found Dr. T'soni. She quickly patted herself down and confronted Shepard.

"Why hello, Commander. So good to see you."

"Hey, Liara. I was wondering if you could tell me about yourself."

The Asari jumped for joy. "Why, yes! I like long walks on the beach, I'm incredibly sensitive, but not afraid to take risks. My favorite food is-"

Shepard stopped her. "Uhh… no. I meant, what did you do before you joined with my crew?"

"Oh. Well, I did do a lot of research on the Protheans. They were a very interesting race, and you happen to be a very interesting person."

"Because I was touched by the beacon?"

Liara leaned in, "That too."

Shepard backed away a little. "Okay, maybe we should slow things down a bit."

"I'm sorry. However, do feel free to talk to me later on, so we can engage in more… stimulating conversation."

"Right…" Shepard asked, leaving Liara's office. He then met with Doctor Chakwas.

"Hey, Doc. Tell me about yourself."

The doctor of English descent shrugged, "I lived a rather boring life. Pampered and rich, I could always afford the highest pleasures in life. However, I quickly grew bored of it and decided to pursue other interests. I didn't find medicine the most stimulating, but it got the job done. However, one day as an intern, a bloody soldier came and fell on my feet. I operated on him, with no anesthetic. His screams filled the room, blood was everywhere and the smell, oh the smell drove me wild. Never before had I been so driven, so passionate, so… aroused."

Shepard took several steps back from the Doctor from this point.

Doctor Chakwas in a sweat, panted heavily. "I need some time to myself…"

Shepard took the hint and left for the lower garage.


20 minutes later…

Waking up from his elongated stupor, Shepard finally made it to the garage. He decided first to talk to Urdnot Wrex, his Krogan companion.

"Hey, Wrex."

"What do you want?" The Krogan asked begrudgingly.

"Nothing; I just wanted to have friendly conversation."

Wrex did not take this gesture kindly, "Oh, I get it. You just want to poke and prod around to know about the Krogan. Well what do you want to know? That the Salarians neutered us? That the genophage killed our entire species? That because of the side effects, I can't even so much as sneeze otherwise I lose the mood? Huh?"

"I wasn't aware that impotency was a side effect of-"

"Well, it is!" The Krogan said.

"Sorry, I meant no offense."

"I don't blame your ignorance, Shepard. As for the Krogan, I gave up on them a long time ago."

Shepard nodded, unsure what to say, "I'm sure you had a very good reason."

"Ehh… could've been better. I'll talk to you later, if I feel like it."

Shepard shook his head, thankful he didn't lose any bodyparts talking to the Krogan. He then decided to visit Garrus, checking up on the Mako.

"Hey there, Garrus. Mind telling me about yourself?"

Garrus turned to the Commander, "Oh, origin story, huh? Well, I'll tell you this; my father was a C-Sec man to the bone. Always followed the rules and regulations and it led him nowhere! Just a nice life in the Citadel and a retirement plan. Well, that's not the way I want to go! No, I want action, adventure; I want to go places and crack some skulls! Life's too short to play by the rules, man!"

Shepard stood silent for a bit, "You know, Garrus. Maybe your father wanted to play by the rules. Did you ever consider how easy you had it compared to other kids?"

"Hmm… you might have a point there. Still, it's going to take a lot more talks than that to change my lifestyle choice!"

"Suit yourself."

Shepard then visited the engine core. Other than seeing the gigantic glowing core above them, he found the Quarian, somewhat sulking in the corner.

"Oh. Hey, Shepard."

"Something wrong, Tali?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know." The Quarian shrugged. "Your crew has been really nice to me, your Engine Core is so amazing, but somehow I feel weird. Back home, I couldn't wait to go on my pilgrimage. But now that I'm on it, I realize how real life sucks. Kinda makes me miss the Migrant fleet."

Shepard shrugged, "Maybe that's the whole point of the pilgrimage."

"You mean, it's better to mooch off your parents and friends rather than make it out in the world?"

"Uhh… that's not exactly what I-"

Tali jumped right back up, "Wow! I totally get it now! Thanks, Shepard! I'm going to finish my pilgrimage as quickly as I can so I can go back home!"

Shepard, not one for being a wet blanket, decided to leave Tali to her own devices. He then bumped into Adams, working hard on the Core.

"Hey, Adams. What can you tell me about the Core?"

Adams looked up, "From what I heard, it's a knock-off of Armageddon."

"No- I meant, our core."

"Oh! Well, essentially it's the best of our kind and we use our metallic plating to absorb the heat, making sure no one sees us."

Shepard nodded, "So we're invisible?"

"Not unless they look out a window."

Shepard thought to himself for a bit. "Then doesn't that defeat the purpose of having stealth systems?"

"Hey, I didn't design the thing. The Turians did."

Shepard shook his head. He then met with the requisitions officer, standing by the door.

"Supplies, Commander?"

Easy to say, the Commanding officer didn't take this lightly. "Wait, you're charging me for supplies?"

"Hey, I'm the in-ship store. You don't want to walk all the time for armor, do you?"

Shepard sighed, "Fine. How much for the shotguns?"

"Well, I only have the first level shotguns. If you want more, you're going to have to buy licenses from other stores."

The Commander stood back, "Hold on. Not only do you say I have to pay you for supplies, but I would also have to buy licenses to get better guns, when I could be saving credits to buy the guns in the first place. How does this make any sense?"

"Alliance protocol." The Requistions officer defended.

Shepard sighed, "There is something seriously wrong here."

The Commander finally met with the Gunnery Chief, who oddly enough, was doing pull-ups, showing off her washboard abs.

"Oh, hey there, Williams."

"Oh, hey Commander." The Gunnery Chief said casually. "I was just about to do some crunches. Mind holding my legs?"

Shepard breathed heavily, "Uhh… maybe later. I-wanted to know more about you."

"Oh sure. I come from a military family, you know the type: lots of sisters, hard-working dad, colony born, you know the type."

"Hmm… good to hear. Tell me about your father."

"Well, Dad passed on a few years back, so I visit his grave every year.

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone,

For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,"

Shepard seemed a bit taken back, "I didn't know you liked poetry?"

Ashley smiled, "Oh? Did I forget to mention that? I can be sensitive when I want to- that is of course unless I get into a firefight. Then I can get messy when I need to."

"You're very interesting, Ash."

"Yeah, well, The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh."

"Oh." Shepard said.

Williams gulped a bit. "Oh, that doesn't weird you out, does it? That I'm sort of religious?"

"No…" Shepard said.

"Whew, that's a relief. I was also worried that you didn't share my general disapproval of other species."

"Umm… okay, that may require a bit of explanation."

Ash sighed, "Okay, I'm a bit afraid, that you know, the aliens poking around the main systems could be a breach of security."

"We kinda need their help, Ash."

"I'm just saying, it's not really racism. People will always turn to their own species when they're backs are on the line. If you're being attacked by a bear, and the only way to save yourself is to sick your dog on them, then you'll do it. As much as you love your dog, it isn't human."

Shepard took two steps back, "Ash, that's really messed up. I guess I could see your- no, that's still really messed up."

"If you want me to cooperate, then I will."

Shepard nodded. "Do so. Talk to you later."

As Shepard left the garage, he let out a heavy sigh. After finally making it up to the Command bridge, he had a quick chat with Joker.

"You know, sometimes I think it's best to keep these things on a professional level."

Joker nodded, "Agreed. Hey Commander, you want to know about my Vrolik syndrome?"

Shepard couldn't help but scream as he left the bridge.

A/N: What exciting adventures await Commander Shepard? Will Garrus ever change his ways? Who will win Shepard's pants- I mean, heart? Find out next time on Mass Effect: The Things that need to be Parodied.