III. I Want To Remember


Hayley thought she could understand that she had been gone for over a year, but it wasn't until she saw her parents that it all sunk in. They almost collapsed in relief at the sight of their daughter, but just like everyone else who saw her, they noticed just how much she had changed. When they wrapped their arms around their daughter, there was less of her to hold.

The girl they had watched run around the neighbourhood, do early morning and evening intense workout and never stop working on building herself up was now weak, frail and lacking all of the muscle she once had. But they were too happy that she was home to even think about any of that. She was alive and healthy, that's all they cared about.

But just like everyone else again, they had questions Hayley just couldn't answer.

"I'm working on it," she explained. "I'm seeing my psych three times a week, I'll remember eventually, I can't not remember for the rest of my life,"

"Don't go putting too much on yourself," David warned.

"I can't deal with not knowing," she shook her head.

"I know honey, but you need to take care of yourself over any of that," Frances chimed in.

But to Hayley, it was worth more than self-care. If she didn't sleep at night, it didn't matter, because she would be thinking of the memories she needed to get back. If she was standing in the shower too long, she was thinking of where the last year had gone. Someone had taken her, that was a guaranteed memory, but it was driving her insane each passing day not knowing who that person was or what they had done to her.

They spoke no more of Hayley's forgotten memories, instead opting to eat her favourite home-made meal together.

It was the next day that Hayley finally met her godson. Blake and Laura had arrived early in the morning, their son cradled up in his father's arms, sound asleep. It was so surreal for Hayley to witness. This man she had grown up with was now a father to a little baby, one that they had chosen to be her own godson.

"He's so little," Hayley gasped, looking at the child in Blake's arms. "Oh my god, look at his little cheeks,"

Laura chuckled.

"I'm hoping he never loses them," she admit.

"Do you want to hold him?" Blake asked with a smile.

Hayley looked back at her friend with slight panic before nodding her head. This was her godson, she was trusted with his life and although she had only ever held a baby four times in her life, she was excited.

Bobby Nicholas Blake was the most perfect human she had ever laid her eyes on or had the pleasure of holding. After everything she had been through, it was overwhelming to be holding such an innocent, pure little creature in her arms. One that looked so at peace with the world, unhurt by all of the terrible things that lurked out there. Loved, content and safe.

"You're sure you want me?" she asked softly, looking up at Blake and Laura.

"There's no one else in this world we'd rather," Laura assured.

Hayley looked to Blake with a grateful smile, one that summed up all of the joy she was feeling right now just holding his son in her arms. She now had a tiny little human that she needed to look out for, she had an extra member of her family and another person in her life to love.


SHIELD needed more from Hayley than she had been giving them. There were still no more memories or answers that she had to offer, but there were tests they needed to run. Recognition tests, drug tests, physicals and any other study that could give them any information about the past year. And for these tests, they wanted her to stay in Washington.

It wasn't a problem for Hayley who didn't care too much at all about going back to New York and Steve was more than willing to have her at his apartment for however long she wanted to stay. His SHIELD duties had been put on hold until further notice, Steve's own decision. A decision he was grateful he had made because for someone who was usually so fiercely independent and stubborn, Hayley didn't want to be on her own.

"Hayley?" Steve called out, standing on the other side of the bathroom door.

She had been in there for an hour now and the water had stopped running long ago, long enough for Steve to grow concerned. It had only been a week since Hayley was found in Vancouver and two days since she had been staying with him in Washington, no one was expecting her to be okay and ready to move on with her life. But something that hadn't changed about Hayley's behaviour was the fact that she liked to keep all of that to herself.

When there was no response from the bathroom, Steve began to push the door open, only to be met with force.

"I-I don't want you to see me," Hayley sobbed softly, holding herself together. "N-Not like this,"

Steve's heart began pounding.

"Like what? Hayley? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" he asked, every bad scenario running through his mind.

But all he could hear in return were Hayley's soft sniffles, catching her breath and trying desperately to pull herself together. It was the first time since that night in Vancouver after her briefing that he had heard her crying and it pained him to know there was nothing he could do to make all of that pain and fear go away. He couldn't give her all of those memories back no matter how much he wished he could.

"Hayley," he tried again, trying to coax her into opening the door. "I just want to know you're okay,"

It took a few moments for the resistance on the door to slowly fade away and when it did Steve carefully pushed it open. Hayley was standing in the middle of the bathroom, in front of the large mirror by the sink, barely able to peak through her fingers at her own reflection. She was dressed only in her bra and underwear, the bones of her body so clearly visibly beneath her pale, almost blue, skin.

Steve didn't say a word at first, the room full of Hayley's choked breaths as she tried to calm herself down. He knew that she was frail, he could see it from the moment he had laid his eyes on her a week ago, but beneath her clothes she looked sickly. He had never felt so irate and wrathful in his life, all he wanted to do was find the people who did this to her and take them down without mercy. He didn't care about bringing them in, he wanted them dead.

But a moment later he was brought back to reality, away from his vengeful thoughts. Hayley was hyperventilating, panicking.

"Hey, hey," Steve moved in front of her, blocking her view as she squeezed her eyes shut. "Listen to me, listen to my voice, just breathe,"

Hayley felt her knees growing weak as she slowly slipped to the ground, Steve's arm supporting her, until they were both on their knees. Steve's face was inches from her own as he calmly whispered into her ear, slowly pulling her hands away from her face and running his thumbs over her cheeks. Wiping away tears, Steve continued to soothe her with reassuring words and gentle strokes of her hair and face.

It took ten minutes for her breathing to calm down to a normal level, her body easing up on the trembling, and to open her eyes. They were red from tears and dark from exhaustion, and they stared right into Steve's.

"I look terrifying," Hayley shook her head. "This isn't me, this isn't...this isn't right! I can't even look at myself,"

"You're beautiful," Steve assured.

"Steve, don't," she sighed. "Look at me. Someone took me and stripped away everything, I look like I've had the plague and I-I feel like I've lost everything about me, it's all gone!"

"No, it's not," Steve countered. "You're still here, everything about you is still right here,"

Hayley looked down at Steve's hand on her chest, one hand over her heart as he felt it beat quickly.

"I'm not the same Steve," she whispered sadly, her eyes brimming with tears once again.

Steve's chest tightened at her words, himself trying to fight off the lump rising in his throat. No one expected her to be the same, least of all Steve. He knew what it was like to wake up and learn that a part of your life is missing, but this was different to being in ice. Steve knew that for all those decades, he was frozen in time somewhere no one could find him. But Hayley was alive and living, there was just no memory of it.

But even with everything that had changed about her, Steve never once thought that the woman he loved was gone.

"You don't have to be the same, no one is going to rush you to get past all of this, no one wants you to do that. You might look different and feel different, but you're still every bit the Hayley I fell in love with and there's no changing that,"

A small smile pulled at Hayley's lips before her frown returned, her tears spilling over silently. She let herself fall forward into Steve, feeling his arms wrap around her petite frame.

"I want to remember what happened to me," she admit softly. "I want to know,"


The next morning Steve was awoken to the sound of his phone ringing for the second time. The first time he had purposely slept through the annoying noise, but by the second call, he knew he should answer. Hayley was still asleep by his side, her face nestled into the pillow and her body curled up into a ball. She tossed around softly at the sound of the phone ringing, but it didn't wake her.

If it did, she had chosen to go straight back to sleep.

"Hello?" Steve answered roughly, carefully stepped out of the bedroom and pulling the door closed quietly behind him.

"I wake you up Captain?"

Fury's voice was enough to bring Steve to attention, knowing that the Director would only be calling him now if it were in regards to Hayley. Steve had taken himself out of duty until further notice and Fury wasn't going to argue against that.

"Did you find something?"

"I take it O'Connor is in the apartment with you,"

"She's in another room, asleep," Steve assured, walking to the furthest corner of the apartment. "What did you find?"

"We didn't find anything," Fury cleared up. "We were sent a video by an anonymous server, can't trace them, but I've still got a team working on that,"

"A video?" Steve asked, worry rising.

"One that O'Connor would very much not like to see,"

"What is it?"

"I've got a link going to your cell now, it'll play once and that's it. Can't risk anyone getting hold of it,"

Steve pulled the phone away from his ear for a moment, clicking open the link that came through the SHIELD secure server. There were only a few people within SHIELD that had a link to Fury through this pathway, but this had only been sent to Steve.

He felt his stomach drop as he opened the link to see Hayley sitting alone in a hotel room. It was dark inside, but the one light in the room made it bright enough to make out her figure. The video played for a few seconds with just Hayley sitting, breathing. Then it cut to another person in the room, sitting in a chair across from her. It turned blurry for a few more seconds before focusing once again, this time on Hayley wrapping a long rope around the other person's neck.

There was a struggle for a moment, the other person flipping them both to the ground, but the last remaining seconds of the clip were their final moments. Hayley's gritted teeth were visible as she tugged on the rope, her legs holding down the other person's body until their arms fell to the ground lifeless.

Hayley had killed them.

"We're running recognitions, but you know yourself that's Hayley O'Connor," Fury spoke.

"That's...she would never had done that. Not after what happened after Borya, she wouldn't kill someone," Steve denied. "No, she couldn't have,"

"Maybe she didn't have a choice," Fury stated. "Whatever the case, we just got our first look into her life last year. Whoever's behind it, whoever took her, they seem to have put her to use,"