A/N: This is a completely re-worked third chapter. I wasn't satisfied with the first one, and thought that if I just edited it here and there it'd end up being pretty much the same crap. So I completely rewrote it. Many thanks to Ochi, if it weren't for him and his c&c, you wouldn't be reading this (hopefully) better chapter. If you want to read the first draft of the chapter, just email me (it's on my author page). If you want to review this chapter, but already have, just review it on the fourth chapter.
oOo
I went to her place the next day. I wanted to kill her, of course. Brutally, painfully, with lots of blood and screaming. But instead, trying to hide her little smirk, she pushed another bowl of herbs in front of me. "Eat up."
"No," I snarled.
"I'm the shaman. You are the lion that follows the shaman's orders. Eat up. Now." She paused to glare at me for "effect." "I will get the king. And I will get you out of this kingdom."
"I could care less what you try to do."
"I could make you eat it."
I could see a glint in her eyes. "I'd like to see you try."
"Eat it. Now."
I grudgingly did so. The things that she forced me through. We went through this routine for two weeks. It didn't help. I only got worse. She finally saw that something was wrong by the end of the second week when I burst into angry tears when she threatened me.
"Can't you just lay off?" I screamed at her. "Dammit, why can't you ever listen to me for once! I just wanted to help, I just wanted to help everyone! Gods damn it!" I ran out of the shaman's den, her following me. Whatever she had been feeding me, it was potent. Obviously, she took me off it.
Needless to say, when I came back to my senses, she was in an excellent position to replace Ushairi.
But she didn't stop. Oh, no. She made up another completely random and utterly hazardous mess that could have killed me. She tried to feed it to me, of course. I just walked out of the den. So she put it in my food. I really have no idea how she did it, probably gave it to the king or something, but even that doesn't explain it. I'll give her this: I did feel a little less on edge. I didn't snap at others quite so many times. I did find out what insomnia was like.
So I dragged my sleep-deprived self into her den, and to tell her that she had once again failed to please or cure me, I slapped her across the face and walked out. I abruptly turned and went back in, told her "And don't you even think about doing that again," and left.
So she did it again.
I slapped her again.
We both partook in one of our favorite pastimes: brawling around her den and making a complete mess of it, me barely limping out of it afterwards, and her lying on the floor, bloodied and beaten, too exhausted to follow me.
It's an insanity thing. You wouldn't understand.
oOo
"I want to kill her."
"How nice," said Arezo. He was lying a short distance from me. It was one of the few times I had gotten to be around him; the shaman kept me holed up in her den practically all the time. As it was, it was near dark.
"I mean I want to really kill her. Just—feel the life flowing out underneath my paws."
"That's great, Shujaa."
"You're not paying attention, are you?"
"Not a single word."
"Are you sick of me?" Arezo was unusually quiet. I stared at him slightly in shock. "You really are sick of me."
"Look, Shujaa . . . I think I should just get a little space—between us."
"Uh-huh."
"I, uh . . . I'm on the list now, aren't I?"
I got up and walked away.
oOo
I went back to the shaman's cave, flopped down on the floor of her den, and announced, "I'm not happy."
"And?"
"Isn't that your problem?"
She sighed. "Look, I'm not trying to make you happy," she said patiently. "I'm trying to cure your homicidal depression."
I stared at the ceiling. "You know, I'm beginning to wonder if you actually do joke, or you really, really hate me."
"I'm your shaman. I analyze you, not the other way around."
"I thought you didn't analyze animals."
"Whatever. Now really, if you don't mind . . ." I looked over to her to see her examining a lioness very personally. I looked up to see who it was and felt a chill run down my spine. I felt my claws slide out.
"You didn't tell me you had company."
"I did tell you to clear out for a day. So if you wouldn't mind leaving, I'm in the middle of an examination."
"I can see that."
"A female examination."
"I can see that."
"So if you would please leave . . ."
"Why don't you just call it what it is? An Ushairi examination?" She was trembling as the shaman stood over her. It made me smile a little. I licked my lips. "Why, this is to die for—"
"Shujaa, get out before I throw you out on your ass after sticking your head up it after removing it from your neck first."
"Fine," I said, standing up and leaving. "I'll wait."
oOo
I waited for her, obviously. The shaman, at least, wasn't completely stupid. She looked out for me before letting Ushairi out. She almost saw me, but how many animals actually think to look on the top of their den?
I slid down the back side and stalked after Ushairi into the grass. I tracked her until she stopped near a waterhole. I found that I was trembling with excitement. It had been so long, I could hardly compose myself. My claws dug into the ground, digging for a purchase, yet it only seemed to excite me more. I licked my lips eagerly, hearing a small growl escape. She looked up, looking around for that source, her eyes wide with fear.
Her pause was all the time I needed. I jumped at her. I had almost forgotten the wonderful sensation, watching her turn as I leapt, almost in slow motion, seeing her face slowly turning into horror. Her blood-curdling scream pierced my ears as I grabbed her and tackled her into the water. I held her head under and watched as she struggled madly to get free. I grinned madly as she slowly had the life forced out of her.
It was awful.
I don't know at what point I realized that. It seemed at one moment I was standing over her, smiling as I killed her, and the next I felt my paws slipping from her throat, my body limp with horror at the sin I was committing. It hit me like—oh, I don't know, like she did as soon as she got me off her. She knocked me to the ground, only stopping to scream at me before she ran into the savannah.
Frankly, I didn't know what to do. I slept on it.
oOo
I went to the shaman's den the next morning. I lied down on the floor and watched her turn to me. She knew, I could tell. She also was trying to hide the fact. She put my herbs in front of me, unprepared. She had stopped slipping them to me unnoticed when I began eating them voluntarily. "What, no blood?" I asked.
"Make it yourself," she said sourly.
I toyed with them as she went back and lied down in her spot and closed her eyes. I made them, stupidly enough, into a smiley face. "What's it like to become sane?"
"How should I know?"
My, oh my, the way she opened herself up for it with that one. I let it slide and simply asked, "Fine, what's it like to be sane? By your limited standard of the word?"
"It's—well, it's just not that much of a change, I suppose," she said. "You wouldn't want to kill Ushairi, that's all."
"I tried to yesterday."
"What a shock."
"I couldn't do it."
"What?" She sat up; I had finally gotten her attention.
"I couldn't do it. I started, but I was—repulsed. It didn't seem right."
She stared at me for a few minutes. I didn't know what was going on in her head. Finally she said to me, "You don't have to know why you do what you do to be sane, you know."
"I thought that was what you wanted. Little Shujaa to be just like everyone else, a perfect replica."
"Life needs a healthy dose of abnormality."
"You could leave me as I am, then."
"I said 'healthy.' Not 'lethal.'"
I stared down at the herbs in front of me. They grinned back. "Maybe that's all it takes to be sane. Just being able to be tolerated. If it's too strange . . ."
"Insanity is stretching the bounds of action into forms distasteful and/or illogical to the majority." I looked up at her. It sounded like she said something smart; you didn't often get to be present for that. She smiled back at me. "Shujaa's Law."
"Shaman's Law," I corrected.
"You know, you can call me by my name."
I looked up at her. "Vessa," I said quietly. I stared down at my herbs, just stared, just watching them smile back at me. I finally spoke: "I want to get well."
"What?" It sounded as if she expected any words but those to come out of my mouth.
"I want to get well. If only to see if I like being sane." I looked up at her. "You can help me, right?"
Her face broke into a smile. She stood up and brought the basin of blood over to me and set it down. I dipped my paw into it and spread lavish amounts of blood onto the herbs. I looked back up to her.
"To a healthy dose of abnormality."
oOo
It was about a month later that she brought me before the king. It was a quiet, private meeting between the three of us.
"Frankly, sire, he's doing much better—"
"You'll understand if I'm skeptical of that."
"He's gotten much better. He can be kind, compassionate, caring—" King Janja snorted. "Well when was the last time you talked to him, sire?"
"Yesterday."
"Asking if I went to see Vessa doesn't count," I said.
"Really, sire," said Vessa, "when was the last time you sat down and had a nice long talk with him? When have any of you?"
"Shujaa's not the kind of person that you have a heart-to-heart with."
"Even a passing conversation—"
"Vessa," I interrupted.
"What?"
"They all, uh, kind of avoid me. Like the plague."
Vessa looked over at the king. "What?" he asked. "He—well, he's been doing his—thing for years—"
"He's stopped."
"It's hard to convince them of that."
"Sire, I let him work with me. On all the animals in the kingdom. Even cubs. He's—well, he's okay at it, I wouldn't say he's great—"
"Hey!"
"—but he heals, sire. He's trying to help."
"So you're saying he's fine now?" asked the king.
"Well—you're kind of backing me into a corner here, sire—"
"Is he healed or not?"
"He's . . . better."
"All better?"
Vessa glanced over at me. "Fairly, sire."
"And I did it all by myself," I said.
"True story," said the shaman.
King Janja looked over at me, staring intently. I just stared back. He finally looked back at Vessa. "Until you can prove he's safe, you're stuck with him."
"Sire—"
"That's my command."
"And just how do we test that he's 'safe'?"
"You figure it out. He's your problem."
Vessa frowned. I'd seen that frown before. "Shujaa, would you excuse us?"
I left the den. I didn't need to be told twice. I waited for her outside, hearing hushed, excited voices. After a few minutes I heard a meaty thud and a snarl. Vessa walked out, simply saying, "Come along."
As we left, I turned to look into the den. The king was glaring at the two of us as we left. "Uh, can I ask what—"
"No," said Vessa.
"'Cause it kind of sounded like—"
"Like what?"
"Like you slapped him."
"I did."
"Ah." I walked beside her for a few moments before I asked, "Gonna tell me why?"
"He called me a whore."
oOo
She'd explained it all by the time we got back to the den. Apparently the king had stooped to a new low and decided that it wasn't enough to put me with her. He now had to believe rumors that I was sleeping with her to make her get rid of me sooner as well.
I came back to her den the next day. It wasn't until after I finished my herbs it finally dawned on me.
"You know, I thought you said that I was better now."
"Uh-huh," she said idly. She was busy looking over a cheetah who had a beautiful gash on his hind leg, and apparently had gotten it infected.
"So, why the herbs still?"
"You want to stay better? Get me some of that aur."
"I thought you kept switching the herbs."
She finally looked up at me. "I didn't. Aur, please."
"What do you mean you didn't?"
"Look, it's nothing to get worked up about. Just get me some aur. Three leaves."
"What do you mean?" I demanded.
"Look—I just thought we shouldn't ruin a good thing—"
"What do you mean?"
"I stopped switching after about the third time. It made you docile enough, didn't it? You stopped trying to do all the normal things. It was just something to calm you down. Relieve some aggression. And it worked."
"You said I did it myself."
"Well, you did. In a way. You still helped."
"You lied to me."
"One point of looking at it."
"You lied to me."
"Sure. Now give me some of that aur."
"I trusted you."
"What are you going to do, cry about it? Look, I did what I saw was right—"
I snarled at her.
"Touchy. Now look, are you going to give me that aur or not?"
I swatted the whole pile of aur across the den and walked out, hearing her yell after me. I didn't care. She'd pissed me off enough for one day.
oOo
I went back to her the next day. She seemed to be surprised to see me. She actually yelled when she saw me. "Boo," I said.
"If I ever wake up this early again and see your ugly face, I'll tear it off," she snarled.
"It's almost dawn."
"I am not a morning leopard."
"So, I spent last night thinking, and I just came here this morning to tell you to go to hell."
"Excuse me?"
"This is goodbye. I'll be damned if someone shoves stuff down my throat and then lies to me about it." I turned to go.
"I did the right thing!" she insisted.
"Says you."
"What would you have done if—"
I whirled around to face her. "I trusted you!" I yelled at her. "I thought you were a friend!" She was silent. "No smart remark? A little surprised? So was I!"
"Shujaa—"
"You said I was getting better. You never said anything about any herbs making me that way!"
"Does it matter how it happens—"
"Yes! Don't you get it? I was—I was proud of myself about something for the first time! This—healing—is one thing I can actually do! They come here, and they—they appreciate me for what I do. And now I know it wasn't really me the whole time!"
"Shujaa, it is you—"
"Stop lying!" I screamed. She stepped back, frightened. "I've had enough of you, you lying bitch! I'm not going to take it anymore! I don't care if go insane, I don't care if I end up killing myself not to! To hell with trusting you or anyone else!" I stormed out of the den. I got some pleasure from the fact that her eyes were undeniably wet.
oOo
Guilt is a funny thing. It always springs up in the strangest places. I don't like it. In all fairness, there was no reason for me to feel sorry for her. She had tricked me, deceived me, and hadn't felt sorry about it at all. Turnabout's perfectly fair play.
But I had made her cry.
No matter what I argued, it all seemed to come down to that. I kept seeing her face with those tear-filled eyes. I'd never hurt her. I might have joked with her, but I never hurt her. Even when I had tried in the beginning, nothing had happened. She just shrugged everything off. But now I'd hurt her. I made her cry. It seemed like some unspeakable sin. My stomach kept trying to burrow its way through my gut and into the ground.
Like I said, it made no sense at all.
I went back the next day, intending to apologize. I found her lying on her back on the floor, apparently asleep. I came closer and saw her eyes were half-open. "Vessa?"
She looked up at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and her pupils had dilated. She blinked slowly and said, "You're a piece of shit, you know that?"
Only the fact that something was obviously wrong with her stopped me from smacking her and walking right back out. "Vessa—"
"A genuine piece of shit." Her words were slurred a little. "And me. Me too. Maybe I'm a bigger piece of shit." She stared up at the ceiling. "There are three little cracks right there, you know that. Three. They're fuzzy."
"Vessa, what's wrong?"
"I'm high as a bird, you know that? High as a little bird . . ."
I could imagine what had happened. She knew herbs far better than I did. Making a cocktail wasn't below her. She was wasted. I'd heard about it, everyone had, but I'd never actually seen it before. It was shameful. "Vessa—"
"Shut up," she said, unsteadily getting to her feet. She stumbled against me. "There's no need to yell."
"I'm not yelling. Look, just lie down, and I'll—"
She wrapped her forelegs around my neck and collapsed, pulling my head down. "Just relax," she said. "Just relax . . . think happy thoughts . . . think happy thoughts . . . You're practically on top of me, you know? You're coming on to me, aren't you?"
"I—"
"You're a perv, you know?"
I sighed. She was out of her head. "Look, just stand up again, and let me move you to the back."
"No."
"Okay then." I forced her to roll over onto her stomach, and took the nape of her neck in my jaws and started dragging her to the back of the den. About halfway there she started complying. I laid her down in the back of the den and tried to get some sense into her. That was the one problem with herbs: there's not really any way you can get them out of you once you've stuck them in there. You can only wait them out.
Vessa just laid in the back of the den that day, just murmuring to herself, nonsense things about the way the world kept spinning and reminding me to keep thinking happy thoughts. The other half found her unfortunately sober and with a raging headache that felt, she said, "like a rabid hyena with bad dental hygiene gnawing on my skull." I was stuck taking care of the animals that came in.
It wasn't until the end of the day that I had a lucid conversation with her. "How're you feeling?"
"A little better," she said. "Sleepy."
"Uh, it's about time for me to get going."
"Already?"
"Yeah. Look . . . Vessa . . ." She cracked an eye open to look at me. "I may have said some things that—offended you and . . . well . . . you see . . ."
"Apology accepted."
I smiled. "Just—don't do this again."
"Do what again?"
"Okay." I pushed myself up. "See you tomorrow."
"Couldn't you stay here tonight? I'm not feeling the best."
I smiled. "Hell, what are friends for?"
oOo
I walked into Vessa's den and flopped onto the ground, simply saying "Gimme."
"You're awfully polite," she said as she pushed over a pile of herbs, already lathered in blood.
I rolled over onto my stomach and gulped down the herbs as quickly as I could. No matter how much blood was smeared on them, it still felt like I was eating a tree. "The king wants to know when I'll be healed."
"I told him you were healed," said Vessa exasperatedly. "I've told him a million times."
"That's why I said he should come over here and have you take a look at that stick up his ass."
Vessa smirked. "One of these days he and his son are going to run you out of the kingdom."
"What, you think I can't take 'em?"
"I can kick your ass."
"Of course you can, I'm practically saturated with herbs."
Vessa just smiled. I had lost track of how long we had been doing this. I didn't really care anymore. It was just the way life was, an immutable fact. There was nothing wrong with it, as far as I was concerned.
"You know—okay, never mind," said Vessa.
"What?"
"Just a stupid thought."
"Oh, okay." I didn't ask further. I knew she wanted me to.
After what must have been a few agonizing seconds, she finally burst out, "Okay, fine, I do have something."
"Good for you."
"How would you feel about—getting off the herbs?"
"Getting off them? You mean—just stop taking them?"
"Why not? Look, the king wants to prove you're safe for the kingdom to be around. Do it this way and there can't be any doubt. It'll be you, all you—"
"No!" I yelled.
"Huh? Shujaa?"
I couldn't explain it. The mere mention of stopping was enough to send me shaking. I felt my claw scratching at the floor of her den. "I can't," I whispered. "Just—just no. I can't."
"Shujaa—"
"I won't!" I yelled. "Okay?! You can't make me!"
"Don't you think you're overreacting?" I stopped dead. "Look, it was a simple question. It's not going to kill you, okay?"
I shook my head, trying to clear it. "Vessa just—no. Just no. I can't. I just have the worst of all feelings about doing that. You can't stop them."
"Alright then. Consider it dropped."
I knew it wouldn't be. She knew what she wanted, and she wanted to get rid of me. Granted, she liked me as a friend, and would be more than happy to have me stay on with her, but right now I was an obligation to her. Once something stops being a chore, it's never quite so hard to do.
I wasn't all that surprised when she said to me the next morning, "So you know, I just now remembered something. You know acuyle, right? Well, if you take it for a prolonged period of time, it's actually habit-forming. Addictive. So if you think abou—"
"I said no, Vessa."
"But this is what makes sense!" she insisted. "You're dependent on this now, and it's getting worse every day! If you kick it now, it'll be so much easier than doing it tomorrow, or next week—"
"Give me my herbs, Vessa," I said impatiently. "I don't have all day."
"Actually, you do—"
"That's beside the point!" I snapped. "Just give 'em to me!"
Vessa sighed and pushed the pile in front of me. "Fine. Here."
I swallowed them down before she had a chance to take them back. "It's not an addiction," I said. "I can quit whenever I feel like it."
"Then why don't you?"
"I don't want to."
"Yes you do."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
"I gave you a laxative!"
I began to spit out as much as I could.
oOo
I honestly didn't know what to do. If worst came to worst, I could make the necessary herbs myself. I knew where to find them, I didn't need Vessa for that. Parasitism was the only reason I really stayed with her, that and she was the only one that seemed to be able to stand me.
I decided to do something I hadn't done in a long time. I went looking for Arezo. Granted, I hadn't seen too much of him, but I still counted him as a friend. The rest of the den had pretty much taken to talking about me behind my back, even though they didn't know the full story. I didn't know about Arezo. But at least he was someone I could trust to be honest with me.
I found him after being directed to different places by about half the pride. About half of the directions I had been told to go were dead ends, places where there wasn't anyone, and it looked like there hadn't been anyone in ages. I finally found him with Umo, the two of them nuzzling and necking next to the river.
I cleared my throat. The two of them looked lazily over toward me, then leapt apart when they saw who it was. "Shujaa, what the hell do you think you're doing, sneaking up on us like that?" Umo demanded.
"It's okay, Umo—" said Arezo.
"Okay? It's not okay! What the hell is he doing out here, anyway?"
"I just want to talk to Arezo," I said patiently.
"Well, he's busy," said Umo. "Come on, Arezo." She turned to go.
I nipped her tail with my teeth, causing her to jump with a shriek. "Maybe you didn't understand me," I said. "I'm going to talk to Arezo. So clear off."
"Look, it'll just take a few minutes," said Arezo, trying to pacify her. "Just wait over there, okay?"
Umo gave me one last look of disgust and marched off.
"Now what is it?" Arezo asked me.
"I need some help."
"Oh, no."
"What?"
"I know what you're going to ask. The answer is no."
"Look, all I want is some advice," I said. "That's it, I swear."
"Fine. Make it fast."
"I'm—well, you know I'm taking some herbs to help with my—sickness."
"About thirty of them from what I hear."
"Well, Vessa wants to get me off of them."
"Who's Vessa?"
"The shaman."
"Well, fine, stop then." He looked over toward Umo. She was glaring at the two of us.
"It's not that easy," I said. "I need these. If I don't have them . . . I know you may not believe me, but I don't want to go back to the way I was. I was a monster then. I was just so . . . cold."
"Well then don't do it," Arezo said.
"Vessa thinks I'm ready. I just . . . I don't know if I could."
"Then try it," he said in annoyance. "She can always fix you again if you break, right?"
"You don't really care, do you?"
Arezo glanced over at Umo again. "Look, Shujaa, I'm more than happy to help, but why do you always have to keep coming up to me with your shit?"
"Do you just want me to stop?"
He gritted his teeth, then finally spoke: "You know what? I do. I'm not afraid to say it. Look, I tried to be nice, I tried to get you to stop, I tried to help you—I'm lucky to even have Umo with all that I've done for you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean that nobody likes you! Come on, you have to see that. I'm finally getting a decent life, a good life with a good girl, and you're coming around again. Just leave me alone. Until you can raise your head with some decency, just stay away from me."
He glared at me. I suppose I had this coming. It didn't help to tell myself that. "Is that all?" he finally asked.
"Yeah," I said bitterly. I turned and angrily walked back into the savannah.
oOo
I went to Vessa the next morning. She had my herbs in the middle of the floor, waiting for me. "Morning," she said.
I didn't respond. I walked up to the herbs, took aim, and swatted them out of the den.
"Hey!" protested Vessa. "Do you have any idea what I went through to get that for you?"
"The usual stuff," I said, dropping to the ground with a thud. "I'm quitting."
Vessa looked down at me in surprise. "Oh," she said quietly, then louder, "Well, you could have at least told me that before I fixed them." She paused. "What made you change your mind?"
"Some advice from a friend I had."
oOo
It was later that day that I was disturbed by King Janja. "Why aren't you with Vessa?" he asked.
I rolled over, staring at his feet. I had been lying in the den, facing the wall, trying to get some sleep. "She let me go," I muttered.
"What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously.
"I mean she let me go because she didn't want me to be around the den today. Some idiot cheetah got himself impaled on a wildebeest. She sent me home. Now can I just sleep?"
"Why didn't she want you around?"
"Because I've stopped taking my herbs."
I saw his eyes widen. "You what?"
"You wanted proof. Well this is the only way she could think of to get it."
"Is that . . . safe?"
I could tell what he meant. "Are you safe?" "I'm fine, sire. I've told you I'm fine, we both told you I was okay to be around, months ago."
"You were on the herbs then."
I finally looked up at his face, glaring at him. "Bravo, sire. You put me in this position. You deal with it. Now can I just get some sleep?" I rolled back over without waiting for his permission. I knew he was debating whether or not to chastise me. Finally he walked away. After all, I was an unstable deviant now. Who knew what I would do?
Neither Vessa nor I knew what would happen after I stopped taking the herbs. The effects became obvious by the third day. I collapsed in a seizure in Vessa's den. I couldn't stop shaking. She tried everything, but nothing worked until finally I passed out, not waking until hours later. I had milder ones after for the next few days after that, not nearly as bad as the first one. I never passed out again, I just had to weather them. After a few days, they stopped completely.
Vessa was worried. She had every right to be. I was scared shitless. Who was to say that the herbs had only been there to guide me a little while I developed a conscience? I stayed as far away from Ushairi. Strangely enough, I found her seeking me out a couple of times. I found myself running as soon as I saw her. I found my heart throbbing in my chest whenever I saw her, but it wasn't like before. This wasn't adrenaline. This was pure, chilling fear.
Most of the time I had was spent with Vessa. I knew it probably wouldn't do any good at first, but if I snapped, I wanted those herbs right there to shove down my throat.
It took almost a month, but I was finally able to relax. I slowly began to adjust to the idea that I didn't need my herbs. Vessa began to finally let me treat the patients again. I was being accepted like I deserved. Things were beginning to feel normal again. Almost, anyway.
oOo
I planned a surprise for Vessa and finally decided to go through with it about a month after I had stopped taking my herbs. She had been gone for a few hours, helping a lioness give birth. I moved when I had the chance. I had decided to bring down a carcass for Vessa. I had just finished the preparations when she walked back into the den.
"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.
I stepped back from the carcass, a sheepish grin on my face. "Surprise."
She smiled. "What's the occasion?"
"Think of it as a 'thank you' for everything you've done to me."
"Well that's . . . sweet . . . You poisoned it, didn't you?"
I grinned at her. "Only the good parts."
"Well that's a relief."
"Come on, eat."
She took a bite out of the carcass and began chewing, then paused. She swallowed, her face contorted in disgust. "Ew . . . what the hell happened to this thing?"
"I added some herbs for taste. Why? How does it taste?"
"Ah . . . it sure does," she said, her tongue hanging out.
"That bad?"
"Just give me straight meat. I'm not a rabbit."
"Now you know how I felt."
"Mm." She continued eating the carcass out of politeness, lying down. "You sure you don't want some?" she asked with a grimace.
"No, you look like you're enjoying it." I walked over to her and placed myself over her, then placed my forelegs on her back, pressing down.
"Hey, what—"
"Just relax." I began to slowly massage her back. I was going to enjoy this.
She purred. "Now that feels like a 'thank you.'"
"That's it . . . just relax . . . don't be afraid to eat a little, too."
"No thanks," she said. She craned her head to look at me, smiling up at me. "I never really thought of you as a romantic animal."
"I'm not," I said. Under the pretense of massaging her neck, I placed a paw on it and pressed it down firmly on the ground.
"Hey—Shujaa, what're you—"
I pressed my body flat against hers, stopping her from doing anything but squirming. "That's it," I said quietly into her ear. I felt a smile creep across my face as she resisted. "Struggle more."
"Shujaa, what the hell are you doing?" she yelled. I could hear it in her voice. She knew I wasn't her happy, safe Shujaa anymore.
"You see, the herbs make a paralyzer. Such a wonderful, easy combination." She stopped struggling and tried to relax. I dug my claws into her neck, feeling her tense up again. I laughed softly. "So you figured it out? Yes, get all tensed up. Let's see you just lock up that way. Unable to move, sore for hours afterwards . . . while I'm gone."
"Shujaa—Shujaa we need to get you on those herbs again—"
"No!" I snarled, digging my claws still deeper into her neck through impulse. "You'd love that, wouldn't you? Me being at your paws again, eating whatever you pushed in front of me, desperate to be called 'sane.' I'm sick of you deluding me. I'll be damned if I'll stand by and let you destroy me."
"I just wanted to help you!" She was actually crying. She was scared of what I'd do to her. She put up absolutely no resistance, her fighting spirit entirely crushed. "You're sick, you're—"
"Shut up!" I roared. I pressed down harder on her neck. She yelled out in pain.
"Shujaa, please!" she begged. "You're hurting me!"
"You took it all from me," I snarled. "All of it. And I'm not going to give it up."
"You're sick, you need help—"
I lost my control for a moment and drew my paw off her neck. She didn't have time to move before I replaced it on her face, slamming her head into solid rock. "The only thing I am is different," I hissed into her ear. "Abnormal. And life needs abnormality, doesn't it?"
She whimpered, actually whimpered. It was almost as good as Ushairi. "Shujaa, please," she pleaded.
"No," I said. "This is the end. Go ahead, run and tell the king—if you can get there. You won't be able to stop me this time." I smiled. "Nobody will."
I couldn't resist any longer. My time with her was done; I had gotten my message across. There was only one thing that I had to do now. I got off of the shaman and walked out of the den. I heard her groan behind me and turned, seeing her trying to get up and run after me. The herbs were already slowing her. I laughed at her feeble efforts and went on my way.
oOo
Ushairi was beautiful.
I could see that now more than ever. She lied at the top of a cliff, her forelegs dangling over the edge, staring down over the kingdom as if she ruled it all. I smiled up at her, then began to walk around the large structure to meet her. She simply smiled at me as I approached. "Hey, Shujaa."
"Hello," I said. I sat down next to her.
She hesitated, then said, "So you've stopped avoiding me?"
I nodded. "Yes. I don't want to anymore."
Her smile grew a little wider. "Listen," she said, looking away, "I'm—I'm sorry about the way the others are treating you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well come on, they're treating you like shit! I mean . . . I know you're different. All that time with the shaman—it's changed you. I just never really realized that." She looked back up at me. "So I'm gonna stop running, okay?"
I had never heard anything more wonderful. She didn't want to stay away from me. She was coming to me, coming willingly. I could barely contain my excitement at what this meant. She accepted it, truly and completely. I nuzzled her, feeling her stiffen as I did. "Where's Aushi?" I asked.
"He's—he's gone. I dumped him," she said. She almost sounded ashamed.
I purred, literally purred, as I continued nuzzling her. She truly was accepting it. I could feel by breathing growing heavier. Soon I wouldn't be able to restrain myself at all. I had to do it soon, before I lost control. "Let's do this."
Her eyes widened in fear. "Shujaa—you're crazy!"
I snapped out of my trance. I felt my muscles go rigid. I slammed her neck to the ground, just as I had for Vessa. I hissed down to her, "Don't—call—me—crazy!"
"Just let me go!" she pleaded. "Please, just let me go!" She trembled under me. She tried to get up but immediately went limp as I pressed down harder.
I was livid. "You lied to me, too," I snarled. My paw shook on her neck with my fury. She hadn't. I had been so hopeful, but she had trashed all of my dreams.
"Shujaa—"
"Enough!" I yelled. I took my paw off her neck and hit her in the gut. She rolled off the cliff, barely managing to catch herself on the edge. She swung wildly, letting out a scream.
"Shujaa—Shujaa, please, you can't do this, you can't do this!" She clawed at the edge, trying to get herself up, her claws leaving gouges in the earth before they hit the solid rock underneath. I watched with disgust, taking in the sight. "Help me up!" she begged. "Please, just help me up!"
She was doing well enough of that by herself. "No," I said coldly.
She pulled forward with both of her forelegs, managing to come a few inches into the cliff. "Please," she begged. She had that "appeal to the sense of morality" tone of voice that I recognized all too well. "Please, you're supposed to be better now You're supposed to be okay!"
I grinned. I leapt forward, grabbing her legs with my paws. "Trust me," I said, "I'm not okay."
She struggled to get up in a brief second before I dug in my claws and threw her from the cliff. I couldn't stop myself as I plummeted over as well, watching her scream below me as she grabbed for a hold which would never come. I grinned. I had learned one thing from the shaman after all.
Think happy thoughts.
