Author's Notes: Ha! This is hilarious.

Carmelita and the Catfight

Klaus and his sisters arrived on Briny Beach after their experience on the island. The Quagmires, the Widdershins, and Carmelita Spats were there to greet them.

"KLAUS!" screamed Fiona.

"KLAUS!" screamed Isadora.

"TAP SHOES!" screamed Carmelita and put on furry slippers before she began tapping around the beach.

"MONEY!" screamed Esme, who was dead.

"SNAKES!" screamed Uncle Monty, who was also dead.

"IKE!" screamed Aunt Josephine, who was also dead.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" screamed Violet.

"Good," said Olaf, "Then I…"

"YOU'RE DEAD TOO!" screamed Violet.

"Ding-dong, Count Olaf's dead!" sang Captain Widdershins.

"Guess what, everyone?" said Beatrice, the Baudelaire's mom "I'm alive!"

"YEA!" said everyone.

"MOMMY!" screamed Sunny.

"And Klaus, I say you're not old enough to have a girlfriend," said Beatrice Baudelaire.

"Mom, I'm fourteen," said Klaus.

"Well I'm fifteen and I'm the cutest girl in the world," said Carmelita.

"Unless," said Mrs. Baudelaire, "You love one of these lovely girls."

"I know I'm lovely," said Carmelita.

"I wasn't referring to you," said Mrs. Baudelaire.

"You mean us?" said Fiona.

"Yes," said Mrs. Baudelaire, "Isadora and Fiona."

"WHAT???" screamed Carmelita, "THAT SHIP IS MINE!! KLAUS IS MINE!!"

"Never," said Fiona and began a catfight with her. Meanwhile, Klaus and Isadora held hands and walked off into the sunset.

"GET OFF MY SHIP!" said Carmelita.

"THAT"S WRONG!" screamed Violet.

"Slinky, slinky, oh, what a wonderful toy…" sang Captain Widdershins.

"What's wrong with all of you?" asked Fernald.

"HEY, HEY, YOU, YOU, I can be your girlfriend!" screamed Captain Widdershins.

"THAT"S WRONG!" screamed Violet. Captain Widdershins walked over too Klaus and Isadora.

"Shalalalalala, Don't stop now, don't try to hide it how you wanna kiss the girl," sang Captain Widdershins.

"Why don't we just pause the book right here…" started Fernald.

"KISS MY…" started Olaf, who, as we previously discussed, was dead.

"That's nice, Olaf," said Fernald.

"THAT'S WRONG!" shouted Violet.

"THAT"S IN!" screamed Esme, who, as we previously discussed, was also dead.

"TURKEY!" screamed Sunny.

"We can't pause the book, I'm afraid," said Isadora sweetly, "I think Lemony decided he was rich enough and stopped following us."

"HE'LL NEVER BE AS RICH AS ME!" screamed J.K. Rowling.

"How come Harry died and came back to life?" asked Klaus.

"Yeah!" agreed everyone else.

"I DON'T KNOW! I WANTED TO KILL HIM! I HATE ALL PROTAGANISTS!" screamed J.K. Rowling as she left SnicketWorld.

"Those books were silly anyway," said Klaus before he continued kissing Isadora.

"POGO-STICKS!" screamed as she hopped around on a pogo-stick in death.

"WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE THE ONE TO SAVE YOU ALL FROM INSANITY?" screamed Fernald. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing.

"Ok, I'll be dead," said Esme and died.

"Good," said Fernald.

"I'll find you some day," said Carmelita as she backed away.

"You know," said Isadora, "It we be a lot easier to find us if you stayed with us."

"Oh, goody," said Carmelita, "Then I'll fight the Widdershins girl until I die."

"EN GARDE!" screamed Fiona.

"BRING IT ON!" screamed Carmelita.

"NOODLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping a noodle everywhere.

"I give up," said Fernald, "But I'll watch you anyway."

"GOOGLES!" screamed Esme and began randomly slapping a beanie toy manufactured by Ganz everywhere.

"Snogging and eggnogging, snogging and eggnogging," sang Captain Widdershins as he watched Klaus and Isadora and drank eggnog.

Author's Notes: Characters and settings used in this story are Lemony Snicket's. J.K. Rowling owns herself. Ganz owns the Googles Webkinz. (I seriously had nothing to rhyme with noodles this time so please understand.

Capt. Widdershins songs:

A parody of Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead from The Wizard of Oz.

Property of whoever owns Slinky.

Property of Avril Lavigne; Girlfriend (I'm not sure if that's how you spell her name.)

Property of Disney and Alan Menken; Kiss The Girl from The Little Mermaid.

Property of me!!!!!