Chapter Three: Redemption

Reese closed his eyes and leaned his head against the warmth of her hand.

Carter wasn't expecting that response from him. After an uncertain amount of time passed, she could hear his breathing becoming more rhythmic. "John," she whispered then saw his eyes open half-way.

"Joss, I can't talk about Jessie," Reese flatly answered.

Carter looked at him as his eyes shot down to his lap away from her. She moved his head around to face her. "Okay, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I get it, John. I really do."

"I don't know how to do this...how to be a friend to you."

Carter wanted to reach out and take his hand but feared he would pull back.

Reese continued, "What, do we do dinner and talk about our favorite foods and hobbies then go into the gory details of my past?"

"I think that train left the station a long time ago, John. That's not what I'm saying." Carter kept her tone calm. She could see how much he was struggling.

"Then what do you want from me?"

"Want from you?" Carter's voice raised an octave higher. Her heavy New York accent became stronger. She was frustrated by his inability to connect to her.

Reese realized he had angered her. For this very reason he had always tried to avoid human relationships. They were messy, and he was unskilled in dealing with them.

Carter saw his red, irritated eyes darting back and forth. Calming her emotions, she stated, "I'm just saying that I probably talk to you more than anyone else I know, and we could help each other more."

"No, Joss, not me. You don't understand."

"Understand what?" she agitatedly asked.

"I'm a machine, and…" Reese hesitated for a long uncomfortable silence.

"And what, John? What could it possibly be?"

"Because I'm bad code."

"That makes no sense!" she snapped.

Reese stared ahead, not offering any explanation. He knew what he was and didn't feel the need to explain. He then said, "I know, Joss."

"I don't think you do. John Reese, you are a good man," Carter assured. "Do you hear me?" she asked as she placed her hand back on the side of his face.

Again, Reese closed his eyes and leaned in against her hand. Inhaling deeply, he disclosed, "That's not even my real name."

"I know. It doesn't matter what your name is. I also know what the military does to people. I'm just lucky I got out when I did. But please hear me when I say this. You may have done a lot of questionable things in your life…you may have killed a lot of people…you may even think you're responsible for Jessica's death…but it's not your fault…not your responsibility."

"You can't believe that?" Reese questioned.

"What you have done in your past doesn't matter anymore…"

"It does matter," Reese interrupted.

"No, John. You have to see that this is a fresh start for you."

Reese shook his head slightly. "If that were true, then I would have chosen another name."

"It doesn't matter what name you give yourself. The man you are has nothing to do with your name…or the things you've done in your past."

"Respectfully, Joss, I disagree with you. It has everything to do with who I am right now." After a short pause, Reese continued, "And who I really am is not the man you must think I am."

"I know you're a good man."

John brushed off her words.

"When I saw you up on the roof of that parking garage that night I sold you out to Snow, I knew I had made mistake even before they shot you. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach that things weren't supposed to go down that way," Carter said as she balled up her fist and tapped her stomach several times. "Why in the hell do you think when you need me now that I come running to help you?"

Reese thought about that night on the rooftop. He had never blamed her because he knew the decision she had made to let him go with Finch had to have been excruciatingly difficult for her. He then contemplated her question but offered no answer. Then in a low, quiet tone he slowly stated, "My past has made me who I am at present."

Carter ignored his statement and answered her own question. "I come to help you because I believe in you, John Reese. I know how damned conflicted you must be and what you must be feeling right now. Please trust me, I have felt the same way."

Reese turned to look at her. He hadn't considered that she might in fact know what he was feeling. "I just don't want you to get hurt or killed on my account."

"I'm a big girl, and I know what I'm getting myself into. I have seen you do so much good in the year I have known you." Carter ceased talking to continue to gather her thoughts. "And that's all I need to know. Okay? That's all I really need to know."

Reese turned to stare again at the wall in front of him. His mind was racing, and he couldn't figure out how to respond to this situation. He was particularly adept at getting himself out of physical altercations, but emotional situations were entirely different for him. He and Finch never talked about feelings. He presumed Finch knew all about him, so there was never a need to dredge up his past.

Carter was different, though. She wasn't damaged, and he didn't want to see her become damaged as a result of knowing him. But here she was, saving him from capture and then staying with him to make sure he was okay. Turning his head back toward her, he could tell from her facial expression that she truly cared about him and just wanted to know more about the person he truly was. He struggled at the thought of letting anyone into his world, but he knew he owed her more than what he was giving her. "Okay, Joss, how about one question. And I'll answer it as honestly as possible."

Carter thought for a moment. She couldn't tell if his maudlin eyes were from the airbag dust or if she had actually begun opening up the closed John Reese. "One question, huh? So maybe by next year you'll give me two," she laughed.

Reese smiled at her.

"Well….humm…I know. John, are you a religious man?"

Reese thought the question was odd. She could have asked any number of questions from his true identity to how he and Finch got their cases. "You just want to know about my religious convictions?"

"Yes, John. Are you a religious man?" she repeated.

Reese remained quiet for several moments, contemplating how best to answer her question. He couldn't figure out her motivation for wanting to know about his religious beliefs.

Carter broke the silence. "I saw your Crucifix when I got your clothes from the drawer."

Reese's jaw clinched tightly, and he began to breathe rapidly in short gasps. Perspiration formed on his face.

Carter could tell that she struck a chord in him but didn't want to let this drop because she felt it was too important. "Out of all of the things in this apartment," she said as she looked around from the pictures on the walls to the utensils in the kitchen, "that's really the only thing in this whole place that truly belongs to you…isn't it?"

Reese's breathing began to calm. "Yes," he finally quietly answered. Then after a short hesitation he added, "It was Jessie's. She gave it to me to keep me safe. It's all I have left of her."

"John, what you have of her is right there," Carter said as she placed her hand on his chest over his heart.

Reese put his hand on top of hers then closed his eyes. He was still and quiet for a long time. Finally he spoke, "Oh my God, Joss, I let her die. For as long as I live, I will always carry that." He paused then continued, "But you have to understand that it's also more than that."

"The military?"

"The things I did…there's no turning away from. There's no fresh start. There's no recovery, and there's certainly no redemption."

Carter could feel her throat tightening up. She wanted to cry but wanted even more to hold her composure in front of him. She needed to be strong.

"So the only thing I can do is to keep other people from going down the same iniquitous path I chose."

"You didn't answer my question, John. Are you a religious man? Do you believe in God?"

"I don't understand what that has to do with anything…but yes, I believe there is a higher power out there," John answered.

"It has everything to do with it. Since you're so determined to take all the responsibility for the deeds you've done, then I must ask you whether or not you believe that God forgives people for their past mistakes."

Reese couldn't process her question to form an intelligent answer. "Responsibility?" he finally asked. "Who else would be responsible…the military?"

"Well, yes," Carter answered.

"Everyone has free will. I knew what I was doing. I knew I had crossed the line and there would be no turning back. I knew the line between right and wrong…good and bad…had become nonexistent to me. I chose to do the things I did, Joss. Then all of the sudden it was no longer a matter of choice. My atrocious actions became an extension of me...then they became who I was." Reese then paused. He had never told anyone this before. He couldn't believe he was actually telling her these things.

"But you thought you were doing these things for the right reasons. Right? Kind of like when I turned you over to Snow and almost got you killed."

"It's entirely different, Joss, and you know that. You turned a bad man over to an agency of the federal government who wanted to remove that menace from society. All things considered, you did the right thing."

"How can you say that?"

"Because the only line you've ever crossed is the one that puts you here right now with me. I am forcing you to make decisions that put your career...and yourself...in peril."

"No one forces me to do anything! You of all people should know that about me. I am here because I chose to be here. I choose to help you. I know you must have once believed in what you were doing."

"Yes," Reese answered quietly.

"I see how blurry the line is now," Carter said. "I can understand how you got confused...lost."

"Everything became unclear to me. Eventually I stopped thinking...and became a killing machine."

"Oh God, John, I am so sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Just help me make sure other people don't go down that path. Once you start walking down it, then there's really no turning back."

Carter again gently placed her hand on the side of his face beneath the bruising of his eye.

Again, Reese leaned in to her warm touch. His eye lids drooped with pain and fatigue.

"I do believe you can turn back, John," Carter whispered close to his ear.

Reese heard her words as they pierced his brain.

Carter continued, "What I believe is that you now need to forgive yourself."

Reese could feel the heaviness of her words. His body physically reacted as it bowed under from its tense physical state.

Feeling his body slightly fall against her, Carter continued, "I promise in time you can learn how to forgive yourself."

Reese dropped his head down.

Carter wasn't sure what that meant. "I'm with you every step of the way," she whispered. "You are a good man…not bad code…as you think of yourself."

John could feel the warmth of her breath against his ear. He held back his emotions.

She paused for several more moments, studying him. Quickly wiping the tears that were beginning to form in her eyes, she then continued, "You will see in time."

Reese looked at her, noticing the tears in her eyes. He knew she meant what she was saying, but forgiveness was far from what he thought he could ever learn to do…would ever deserve. He wasn't worthy of a good life, of happiness, of peace. He had tortured, maimed, and killed so many people that he had lost track a long time ago. He had never asked if they were innocent. At first he wanted to know, then eventually that thought had slipped from his brain until it was no longer a part of any equation.

The only thing now that has enabled him to carry on with some semblance of a life was Finch's mission, saving innocent people. For the first time in his life, he was beginning to feel that his life had positive purpose and meaning. However, he knew he could never make up for his past wrongdoings. "Joss, there's not enough time in this world to bring about forgiveness for my past. I know you believe that I have been forgiven…that I can learn to forgive myself. Thank you for that. But it's too late for me."

"It's never too late, John," Carter calmly responded.

Reese stared deeply into her eyes. There was nothing left to talk about. He knew that Carter believed what she was telling him, and he loved her for that. Unfortunately, though, he thought she was mistaken.

As she saw him struggling to keep his eyes open, Carter whispered, "It's almost daybreak. Get some sleep. We can continue this discussion later."

Reese lay his head back on the couch. He was exhausted and needed some sleep.

In a few moments, Carter could hear Reese's soft rhythmic breathing. She watched him for a long time inhaling and exhaling short breaths. She was exhausted herself but couldn't get her mind off him. "What did they do to you?" she whispered to herself…even though she thought she already knew. She couldn't help but reach forward and touch the side of his face that had been bruised by the wound on his forehead. "You're a good man, John Reese…I know you are. I pray that one day you'll come to see that yourself, that you can find forgiveness for yourself."

Reese slept for almost an hour as Carter sat beside him, thinking about this past year and how she had grown accustomed to helping him...being with him. Then she watched as Reese jumped slightly in his sleep as an involuntary reaction to the pain his body was enduring.

Reese's eyes then fluttered halfway open and the corners of his mouth turned up into a small smile when he saw her. "Carter?"

"I'm still here," she answered.

"Guess I wasn't dreaming," Reese spoke in a disappointed tone as he shifted his weight on the couch to find a more comfortable spot for his bruised ribs.

"No, you're pretty banged up, but I'm sure you've withstood worse."

Reese's smile got broader. He certainly had.

"Remember what we talked about…okay?"

Reese's smile dropped. "Forgiveness…right."

"I know you don't understand right now…and don't know how to go down that path. But John, I care for you, and I can help you."

Reese swallowed hard.

Getting up from the couch and standing before him, Carter bent down and kissed him on his bruised cheek. "Thank you for helping the people of New York, John Reese. I'm here for you, just know that…okay?"

Reese stared at her, not reacting or responding. He wanted to say something, but he wasn't sure what was appropriate. He wanted to tell her how much he admired and had grown to count on her. He wanted to thank her for her care and for always being there to help him. He wanted to thank her for seeing the best in him. He wanted to tell her that he loved her for these reasons. But no words would come forward.

Carter could see that Reese was conflicted. After several moments, she said, "Get some more rest and recover from these injuries so you won't get your ass kicked the next time you're out defending the people in trouble."

Smiling up at her, Reese watched as she headed to the door. "Thanks, Joss. I'll see you soon," he said before she exited.

Carter smiled back as she closed the door behind her.

Reese thought about her words as he closed his eyes, considering getting more sleep before he got on with the new day. "Forgiveness," he spoke aloud. He shook his head. That certainly wasn't a road he had ever contemplated going down. Within moments, he drifted back to sleep.

As he slept this time, he dreamed about Jessica. He hadn't dream about her in several months. His dream brought back the time Jessica had given him the Crucifix. The events in his dream replayed the reality.

"I have a gift for you," Jessica had said as she turned over in the bed to the night stand and withdrew a small box with a little bow adorning the top.

"For me? Why? It's not my birthday," John had answered.

Jessica had handed him the box. She had been smiling broadly as he opened the box to expose the Crucifix.

"But this is yours. I can't take this," John had said.

"I want you to have this, please. Please accept it," Jessica had pleaded. She then reached into the box and took out the Crucifix and unhooked it. "Turn over," she had ordered as she put the Crucifix around his neck and clasped it securely in place.

John had lain motionless and silent, not knowing how best to respond.

"I want you to remember what this means, okay?" Jessica had said as she kissed his neck along the silver chain and then onto his chest where the Crucifix lay.

John had responded, "What it means? What? That it will keep me safe?"

"That…and…well, don't ever forget what the Crucifix stands for. No matter what you do in service to our country, don't ever forget what this means," Jessica had stated.

John had reached up and held the Crucifix tightly in his hands and had said, "Forgiveness."

"Yes," Jessica had affirmed as she smiled broadly at him.

"I won't Jessie. Thank you for this. I'll try not to forget."

"No, not try, just don't ever forget," she had cried.

Seeing her cry made him as well. They shared this divine moment, the two of them, alone, lying in each other's arms, not needing to talk anymore to the other.

Several moments later John awoke, searching for Jessica, confused as to where he was and the time frame. "Jessie! Jess!" he screamed aloud. The auditory sound of her name brought him back to present day. As he lay there, emotions of sorrow overcame him, and he wept. "I'm so sorry, Jessie. I had forgotten what it meant. I'm so sorry," he cried.

Regaining composure, he then heard Carter's words in his head that he needed to learn to forgive himself. He then guardedly got up off the couch and headed to the dresser. Dropping slowly to his knees, he pulled the drawer open to obtain Jessica's Crucifix. He had loved Jessica with an emotion so powerful that her absence left him incomplete. Staring at the tarnished silver symbol, Reese remembered how alive he felt when he was with Jessica. He remembered how wearing the Crucifix made him feel good and honorable. Arising to his feet, Reese opened the clasp and slipped the Crucifix around his neck. He then turned to look at his image in the dresser mirror. His thoughts of Jessica then turned to Carter. "Okay, Joss, so how do you propose I go about this business of forgiveness?" he asked aloud.

Going to his nightstand drawer by his bed, he pulled out a burner phone and dialed Carter. When she answered he said, "Joss, thanks again for saving my ass last night."

He wanted to say more but was interrupted by Carter who lectured him on taking it easy and keeping his head wound clean. "Joss…Joss," he interjected as she continued instructing him as to what he needed to do. "I just want to tell you that I heard what you said about forgiveness."

For the first time in her relationship with him, Detective Joss Carter was speechless.

"I…I will just need…your help. I don't know how to do that."

"You really can turn back," she said softly to him through her cellphone.

"I trust you, Joss."

"I'm with you, John. I can help you find peace."

Reese felt his emotions well up in him.

"Just understand that you are a good man doing good things for people. The impact you are having is immense."

"Okay, Joss. I'll call you later in in the day," he softly said into the phone then clicked off.

Grasping the Crucifix tightly, he looked up to the ceiling and said aloud, "Jessie, I'm sorry I hadn't remembered what you told me. I have been lost, but I think I'm coming back…I think I can find myself again."

He then lay down on his bed for some last minute rest before Finch contacted him to set their current mission in motion. He loved their mission and began to see that with each person they saved, the world was perhaps becoming a better place because of their mission.

…And because of him.

The End