A/N: This is the shortest chapter and I'm really sorry about it. Hopefully. Basically, this and the next chapter were going to be one but it would have been way too long. This was the only spot I could conceivably cut it apart. Also, sorry about the delay, but SNL40 had me in stitches and I may or may not have completely forgotten that it was Sunday... So... Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow?
Sometimes, the only thing that can make you feel normal again is to establish a routine. So that's what I did. Wake up, breakfast, run, read, lunch, therapy, errands, dinner, read, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseam. Cool, right?
The very next morning, though, my run was continuously interrupted. I took my time, maintaining a normal pace as I passed the high school. No one should have been there, so there shouldn't have been a problem. And yet, there she was, getting out of her car and heading for the towering glass doors. "Wiress!" I called, making the sharp turn up the stairs. What luck. The school's principal, right in front of me. Maybe I could get something out of her in the form of a job. They'd been toying with making me department chair the day of... well, let's not think about that. But clearly she'd be able to figure out a way to get me back on payroll.
"Oh, God! Oh, God!" she whimpered, clamoring for her keys, beginning to shake. She seemed terrified of me. It took some of the wind out of my sails, but I guess I deserved it.
I maintained a calm, positive demeanor and continued. "Wiress! This is my lucky day! Look at you working on a Sunday! How are you?" I asked.
She seemed to be having none of it. "What are you doing here, Katniss?" she asked, taking in the full sight of me, as if to make sure I wasn't going to hurt her.
"I was just in the neighborhood and saw you here." She didn't seem to believe me, despite my honest answer. "Thought I'd let you know I'm back in town and ready to come back to work."
"You shouldn't be here," she said, cautiously, still not listening to me.
Just like that, it hit me how desperately I wanted to come back to work. That was really holding me back in feeling normal again. "I'll work full-time, half-time. I'll sub, I'll work music, I'll work in a different building if I have to, whatever you want." I took in the sight of the older woman, struggling with a stack of paperwork in the wind, fighting with her keys, and scared to death of me. Suddenly, Effie's voice was in the back of my head. Manners, Katniss! The phantom voice was 100% right. "Here, let me give you a hand. I'm sorry. I'm being rude." I offered my arms out to take the papers.
"Yeah, no. I got it," she said, hugging her papers to herself.
I guess that was a no on the whole thing. So, I decided there was only one more thing she could do for me there, before I left. "Well, then, look, I'm sorry. Let me ask you something." It was a long shot, but maybe, if I looked sad enough, she might just cave. "Just... let me ask you something. Does Gale still work here?"
A moment passed between us. "You know I can't tell you that. But Clove is still here."
There it was again. A steady, bumping four beat was fading in behind me. I shook my head and swore that it was just a car alarm or the blood rushing to my ears, I don't know. "Why would you tell me that? You know she broke up my marriage. Why would you bring her up? I don't understand. I just asked..." I felt myself getting worked up, and it scared me. I didn't want her to see me like this.
Her teacher-senses must have been tingling. Immediately, she changed the subject. "You know, you look good. You eating good? Working out?"
"I am, yeah. I did. Thank you," I replied, instantly grateful for the positive recognition. Finally, someone was seeing that I was really trying. I reached out to hug her.
"No, no no no no no," she chorused rapidly, trying to beat me away with her papers. "NO."
Taking the hint, I backed off, but I was still so charged from her acknowledgement that I felt, like a toddler, I had to show her everything that could have meant anything, looking for anything as small as a smile to keep me going. "I'm better. I just want to let you know, I'm better now. Okay? I'm better. I feel good. I feel so good. Look at my eyes. Just look at my eyes. Look at how clear they are." I gestured at my eyes. It was a little weird to me, still, to refer to my grey eyes as clear, but I remembered how they'd looked when I first got out to Capitol and it was the only way to describe these babies. "I'm not a complainer anymore. I'm positive, look." I smiled wide, a real smile.
I could see that she was a little overwhelmed at my persistence, but still she smiled, even if she did seem a bit sad about it. " You just have to give it some time," she said, reaching out and patting my arm. "You know, a lot went down. People will get over it. It'll be all good. It'll work out." She nodded a little. It wasn't much, but it was hope. A little spark of hope to keep the home fires burning.
"Yes! It will be!" I nearly-yelled, pumping a fist in the air, like those bozos down the shore. "I'm gonna take that as a silver development, Wiress! That's a silver lining!" I whooped, picking my run back up and heading down the steps.
"Good luck," she called after me.
Continuing on my way, I couldn't help but feel a little rattled at the whole exchange. Even past being apart from Gale, the lack of trust was wearing me thin. I picked up the pace and headed for home, down a couple of side streets, until I encountered a friendly face.
He was leaning over into the back of his car, but I knew it was him. He'd always had a very identifiable ass. Yes, it's that good. "FINNICK!" I screeched, throwing my arms around his neck from the back and leaping onto him. Was it fair to scare the shit out of him like that? No, probably not. But he'd have to know it was me with that type of greeting.
"KATNISS!" He yelled back, mocking me, spinning me around with ease and putting me down before turning to face me. "There's my little fireball! I didn't know you were back in town," he said, putting his strong hands on my shoulders.
I couldn't help but smile at my old friend. We called each other war buddies, but by this point it was more than that. He was an extension of myself. Two heads of a coin, yin and yang. Whatever it was worth, Finnick Odair was the same and opposite of me. He'd married his high school sweetheart, had a baby, done everything right. We'd known each other longer than we'd known our respective spouses; gone to school together from pre-k, got our first jobs together, wound up at the same college. We knew each other's every wounds, but we didn't experience things the same way. And I had, apparently, missed him almost as much as I missed Gale. For the first time, it really did feel good to be back. "Yeah, I'm out," I confirmed.
He looked me dead in the eye. "Out out or just out?"
I knew what he was asking. Did I skip out without doctor's orders? "No, man! Out out! Yeah, I'm free." I said, smile never faltering.
"That's great!" He said finally. He reached a hand for mine and spun me around. "So, what's this? You look great! You eating good? God, I almost don't recognize you. Man, you're a... wow." He hesitated on my frame for a while and then an unreadable grin crossed his face.
"You can say it. A 10?" I asked, hands on my boobs, making him laugh. "A fox?" I shrugged my shoulders coyly, sliding my hands down my sides. "A real looker?" I concluded, one hand firmly on my ass, the other playfully patting the underside of an imaginary bobbed haircut, all delivered with a playful wink.
He blanched. "Nah, man. I can't say it. Annie's inside and she might... well, you know."
And again, back to that uneasy feeling. Even with Finnick. What the fuck? We'd always played around like this, even in front of Gale and Annie- hell, especially in front of them. I guess, without Gale around, it would only upset her and that was too much to deal with. "Yeah. Yeah, I get it," I concluded, brushing it off for too much too soon, but knowing that wasn't really it. "So, how are you? How's things?"
"Good, good. I mean, work's been nuts. Can't get a second to breathe from that." He said, rolling his eyes dismissively. "And then Annie... she had the baby, so we're doing that and, um... you know, he's beautiful." He smiled. They'd always wanted kids but the timing had never been right. "You really should come see him. Annie wants to make you dinner, so why don't you swing by and..."
Ah. No. No, I couldn't handle Finnick lying to my face. "That's great, Finnick. Congrats on all of that, but I'm just gonna stop you before you make me buy the invitation. It was almost sincere. I almost..."
"What, you don't..." I crossed my arms and gave him a pointed look. "Annie doesn't hate you, Katniss. You intimidate her, but I mean, come on. She doesn't hate you."
That's certainly not true. I'm abrasive on my best days and always have been. Annie, however, is more like Effie- prim and proper. Those are 2 things that I've never been and never will be. "Yeah, yeah. I know she does, Finnick. You don't have to lie to me. It's cool." I shrugged. I guessed I should have been used to it 10 years down the line.
"She does not." He said, looking dejected. "How would you know? You never even talk to her."
I shrugged. I didn't have to talk to her, really. I was the one that was already in when she even showed up. Gale, Finnick, and I were sort of the 3 musketeers. I'm sure she must've felt like an outsider, and sure, I could have been more supportive at the time, girl power and whatnot, but I mean... I was a teenager, and all I saw was this gorgeous, feminine redhead taking one of my boys away from me. Going back to the brash reality of my friendship with Finnick, I still had some chiding to do. I shrugged, batting my eyes, feigning innocence. "Gale always said 'Finnick's wife keeps his social calendar where she keeps his balls.'" I swayed a little, adding some more protection to myself. Sometimes, it was good to be a woman.
"God, Katniss, really?" He hissed, turning back to look at the window, sputtering . "That's not... That's not..." He sagged, with a laugh, realizing we were in the clear. "Okay, that's a little true. But so what? Okay, so what?" He went back to trying to convince me. "If she really hates you, why would she ask me to invite you to dinner?"
Before I could come up with a rebuttal, Annie's top half was hanging out of a second story window. "Finn, did you ask her?"
He gave me a clear 'I told you so' look, and called to her without even turning around. "Yes, dear."
"Well, can she make it?" she asked. It would almost have convinced me I was wrong if I didn't have the better part of 10 years of once a month dinners, holiday parties, and various other get-togethers to back up my side,not to mention the tepid interactions beforehand.
Finnick made a simple hand gesture at me. "I don't know, yet!" He looked at me expectantly, and I busied myself digging the tip of my shoe into the dirt next to the curb. "Next Sunday, can you do it next Sunday?"
I hesitated for a moment, before resigning. "Sure." How bad could it be?
"Okay, good." He brightened back up. "I'll see you next Sunday!"
He headed back to the car, grabbing an economy box of diapers. I readied myself to help, grabbing a bag or two before asking the question I didn't really want his answer to. "Look, do you guys... Are you still in touch with Gale?"
As if on cue, Annie called out again. "Get in here please, I need you!"
"Okay!" he called, exhaustion creeping onto his face. I handed him the bags, closed the door for him and took off on my route.
With all the distractions, I hardly had time to shower and change before Effie was sweeping me out the door. She had gotten a call from Prim, who'd always been close with Annie's family, telling her I was having dinner with them. Having always been fond of the Crestas, Effie informed me that this was to be a big, big, big, big day and insisted on taking me shopping before therapy. I guess it didn't much matter what I wore, but I'd hoped it would be something simple and not too starchy and uppity. That's not who I am. Effie wouldn't hear of it. It had to be perfect.
And of course, Dr. Aurelius was having none of my shit that day, either. He laid into me hard about taking my meds after he'd called to check if I'd been taking them when, in fact, I hadn't even told Effie he'd given me a prescription last time. The same wouldn't work anymore. "Katniss, tell me something. Do you want to be back out in Capitol? Hm? If you won't take your medication, that is what'll happen. Or worse, you'll snap again and end up in jail." His sharp tone snapped me out of my staring contest with the phrenology bust, who I decided to name Leeg. I shook my head no. "Then what?" he asked, clearly at wits end as the session was coming to a close. "Just take them. If you adjust well on them, we'll lower your dosage."
I closed my eyes. "Gale's waiting for me to get healthy and get my shit together, and if I can just do that then he'll be with me." I smiled, reopening them and looking straight at him. "That's better than any medication I can think of."
He shook his head sadly. "Katniss, you have to be ready to accept that he might not come back to you." I opened my mouth in disagreement, but he didn't allow me to speak. "Katniss, there's a real possibility there. If you love him that much, you have to let him go and see if it works out. In the meantime, if the song comes on... Just, you need to not fall apart." I nodded. He was right. I couldn't keep falling apart. "Let's get you a strategy for that." He really did mean well, but he wasn't getting my side of the story.
"Just, hear me out here." I knew it was a long shot. I knew he wasn't going to like what I had to say, but I really wanted him to know where I was coming from. "This is what I believe to be true. This is what I learned at Capitol. You have to work your hardest and stay positive. If you stay positive, you have a shot at your silver lining." I sighed, knowing that not everyone felt that way. "My friend Johanna, who was in there with me, swears up and down that it's crap, but I really and truly believe it."
Again he shook his head, closing his eyes with a sigh. "Just work on a strategy, okay? Please."
I agreed and we bullshitted out some little ideas, counting, identifying my surroundings, cleansing breaths, other tedious crap for the last 10 minutes of my session. As I was getting up to leave, I remembered one thing I did want to run by him. "So, this isn't really... alright, so listen. My friend Finnick's having this little get together on Sunday night and it's gonna be some classy thing and his wife, Annie, is a real stickler for appearances and crap." I stood up, backing for the door, leaning against it. "I don't know... Effie got me this Brooks Brothers outfit she wants me to wear, but I have this screened-tee for my team that my sister, Prim, got me. It's not fancy but it's not beat up. It's just something that makes me feel comfortable and I think in this situation, that sort of stability is something I need..." I crossed my arms over my chest, looking at my feet. It was a stupid question. I'm a 28 year old woman. I should be able to dress myself properly, but since I've gotten home, even that is something I've begun to second guess.
"Which team?" he asked, as though it made all the difference in the world.
"Mockingjays," I muttered, unsure if it really mattered at all.
We looked at each other in silence for a moment. I was getting ready to turn and leave when he said, with a dead serious face and the most wonderfully comforting and mischievous glint in his eyes, "The Birds are the shit."
I smiled genuinely. "That settles that, then."
