Greetings! It's me, Skilly. I'm back after nearly a month. Why a month, you ask? There's really no reason other than not feeling up to writing. But the wait will definitely be worth it. I present to you a fanfiction that is slightly mature in its content.

Overall Warnings:

[Offensive] Cursing

Lewd Acts

Individual Warnings:

Multiple implied uses of the word f*ggot.

One actual use of the word f*g.

One use of the word an*s.

One use of the word f***ing.

One use of the word bullsh*t.

One relatively mild depiction of m*sturb*tion.

One undefined lewd scene between two characters.

Disclaimer: None of the cursing is meant to offend. I do not discriminate against anyone. I am only allowing some of the characters to have a discriminatory attitude towards homosexuals because that's how this plot line goes.


"Do me, Squidward. I'm.. I'm ready..."

"Don't mind if I do."

"You think Mr. Krabs will find out?"

"Not at all. He'd never check the freezer."

"Well, if that's the case, stick one up me."

"Are you sure it won't hurt?"

"Positive. I'm a sponge, remember?"

"Alright, here it goes."

"Oh, yes... m-more please.."

"I'm trying."

"M-m-merciful Neptune! Th-this is amazing, Squiddy."

"Shrimp, you're right!"

"Squiddy, I'm.. I'm gonna-"

"SpongeBob SquarePants, what do you think you're doing?!" the disgusted voice of a certain greyish-blue cephalopod startled and ultimately embarrassed the yellow sponge as said sponge quickly tried to hide his Krusty Krab play-set and tube of suggestive "mayonnaise" from view. It was too late, for Squidward had already seen- and heard -what SpongeBob was doing.

"Squidward, it's not what it looks like. I swear!" The abashed sponge frantically tried to come up with a good lie. The disturbed glare from his coworker was not making it any easier than it already was. "I... Well, I... What I mean is..." He hung his head in pure shame. "Fishpaste."

"I'd report you to Krabs any other day for wasting my valuable time, but this.. this is different." Squidward's face was slowly tainting pink. "One, this is indescribably embarrassing. And two, our boss could never believe 'sweet, innocent SpongeBob' would do something so.. so risqué!" He leaned against the doorway of the kitchen, crossing his arms. He was visibly flustered. "I almost can't believe it, myself!"

SpongeBob's face was glowing bright red. He adjusted his employee hat and slowly got back to working the grill. He tried to avoid Squidward's gaze, but the octopus kept staring at him. It became too much. He started sniffling.

"So... you really like me this much, huh?"

The yellow fellow looked up eagerly, wiping his teary eyes. "Oh, most definitely Squidward!" He let his spatula clatter to the floor without a care as he ran over to the one he adored, gripping at his caramel-colored polo. "That's one thing I could never lie about." His smile was proud, his teeth glimmering.

Squidward shook him off angrily. "SpongeBob, get away from me!" He tossed SpongeBob into a sack of moldy, greenish potatoes.

SpongeBob shakily managed to pull himself up off of the now flat and oozing green potato sack. "But Squidward, I love you."

"I know you do, and that's why you need to get away from me, you rainbow-worshipping pansy!"

SpongeBob approached Squidward, his flushed face frowning and arms drooping. "But Squiddy, I'm not like that. Me and Patrick are close, sure... but it's not a romantic kinda thing. Me and you, on the other hand..."

"Mr. Krabs!" Squidward suddenly exclaimed in a high-pitched shriek, startling SpongeBob. "This f-...fa-...daffodil you call an employee is harassing me!" The fuming octopus ran out of the kitchen, through the main room, and into his boss' office.

"Eugene!" Squidward said breathing heavily. He ran up to his boss, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Listen to me- now I gotta tell you- SpongeBob is a literal fag, and he's harassing me- Harassing me! And wasting time! And not taking orders!" The octopus' eyes were bloodshot.

"Calm down, Mister Squidward. Calm down," Mr. Krabs insisted, looking a bit confused. "I haven't the foggiest idea what you mean. Isn't he carryin' out his usual shenanergans?" He sat up straight in his chair, and set his stacks of dollar bills to the side of his desk.

Squidward shook his head. "Mr. Krabs, if I told you what I saw SpongeBob doing, you'd probably never believe me!" He sighed angrily at the thought of being took for a liar.

"Oh, come on, Squidward. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can't be that bad. Here, come over and whisper it in me ear."

"I... um..." The antsy cephalopod looked unsure. "O-okay. Just promise me you won't take me for a liar?" He approached his boss, leaned over to his ear, and whispered lowly the event that had taken place mere minutes ago.

Mr. Krabs gasped. "OUT!" he ordered, startling Squidward. "I've enough of your bullshit, Mr. Tentacles! Me best fry cook would never in Davy Jones' Locker do something as disgusting as what you've just described. You ain't no ordinary aspiring artist, you're a con artist!" He got up from his seat in a fit of rage and tossed Squidward out the office door. "And don't come back til' you clean up your act, ya' fabulist!"

Squidward hit the ground with a disruptive thud. Customers around him gave him the side eye. He wasn't a very popular employee here at the Krusty Krab. The six-limbed creature sat up, rubbing his head in pain. "I'll show that Krabs! I'll catch SpongeBob in the act."

Later that day...

Squidward perked up when he heard moans coming from the kitchen. He observed SpongeBob through the window that was located directly behind the cashier boat.

The yellow menace was butt naked on the kitchen floor with a pickle up his most private pore. He was shoving it into his tight anus, yellow hands gripping the vegetable firmly, face contorting with every thrust. "Oh, Squidward," he cried out, "yes!"

Squidward gasped, his eyes widening in disbelief. This was a whole new level of disgusting. He tried to look away, but the act displayed before him was intriguing. Slowly, the octopus' tentacle was making it's way between his legs.

"Neptune!" Squidward cried when he realized what he was doing. No, it couldn't' be. ...Could it? Were the porous creature's actions... turning him on? Shock shot up through the cephalopod's body. What was he doing, attempting to pleasure himself? He had Mr. Krabs to report to.

Squidward was just about the exit the cashier boat when he heard his name moaned again. It was an instant turn on. He whipped his head around to see a red-faced SpongeBob sliding the pickle out of his body. "Sponge!" the six-limbed creature whispered.

SpongeBob yelped, his heart pounding at the speed of light. He had been caught in the act. Quickly he scrambled to put on his clothing as Squidward came around the restaurant and swung open the kitchen door. "Squidward, no! I swear to Neptune I'll never do it again, I-"

"Quiet," Squidward whispered. He shut the door, got down on all fours (or rather sixes), and crawled toward the trembling invertebrate. The lustful octopus was sweating a bit, his blue face tinted pink. "SpongeBob, I can't believe I'm saying this but... Kiss me."

SpongeBob dropped the clothes that he had piled in his arms. "Come again?"

"Kiss me, dipshit!"

The yellow fellow raised an eyebrow at his coworker's strange behavior. "But Squidward, I thought you said you were against 'rainbow-worshipping fa-'"

"Forget what I said! Right now, all I care about it satisfaction, and you're the only one available to give it to me." The octopus playfully pushed SpongeBob into the wall opposite of his grill. He licked his lips lustfully.

This should have been a dream come true for SpongeBob. It really should have. But it felt nowhere near as gentle as it did in his dreams. Before he knew it he was sprawled out on the splintering, wooden floor, his lips colliding with Squidward's.

"Squid, please!" He sputtered, as he wasn't allowed much air between kisses. "Please stop this. It doesn't feel right," he admitted begrudgingly.

Squidward gripped his coworker's squishy, cubicle throat, causing the sponge to emit a squeak like that of a dog toy's. "Listen here, you lousy loofah!" He shoved a pointed tentacle in his face. "I've listened to you get off in the kitchen for far too long. There's no turning back, Robert." He bared vicious, yellowing teeth. "I'm just too aroused."

There was noticeable silence throughout the Krusty Krab, and then... -bloodcurdling screams filled the air! They came directly from the kitchen. Mr. Krabs swung open the door to his office as soon as he heard the disturbance and went to investigate.

The sight before his eyes was quite brutal. One could even say savage. His two faithful and hardworking employees were engaging in some rather lewd acts. However, Mr. SquarePants didn't look like he had volunteered to take part in them. Then it clicked. It was SpongeBob who had screamed.

"Mr. Squidward Tentacles!" the crustacean boomed as he started to lunge at the octopus. "Just what do ye think yer doin'?" He tackled the wild cephalopod from behind, pinching his tentacles in a vain attempt to free SpongeBob from his sticky grip.

The porous animal wrestled underneath Squidward's tight hold on him. He would later regret biting down harshly on his neighbor's arm to free himself, but it had to be done. With one sharp chomp of his two buck teeth, he drew blood from Squidward's soft flesh.

It worked!

Squidward cried out in pain and retracted all of his tentacles. He whimpered, kneeling in the middle of the kitchen floor. Quickly and nervously he glanced up at SpongeBob who was quivering, only to look down again. He couldn't bare to face the shame, humiliation, teasing and ultimately trouble that would come from this day. Just days ago he had insulted a gay couple for holding hands. Squidward balled his fists, disgusted at himself. He had French kissed his annoying, yellow coworker.

He was a dirty hypocrite.

Squidward weakly got up and brushed his now stained shirt off. He looked down, his face instantly beaming red. He had thought he'd retracted every tentacle. Turns out he had forgotten his reproductive one. It flaunted out for both Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob to see. They tried to shield their eyes from disgraceful sight.

...10 minutes later...

"Mister Squidward, SpongeBob," Mr. Krabs announced sternly as he led the now fully dressed men out of the kitchen and into the main room. "Next time, get a room."

The yellow fellow raised his hand high in the air. "But Mr. Krabs, that was a room."

"A real room, boy-o! A hotel or somethin'. Your house! -I don't care. I just can't have you fuckin' around in the kitchen gettin' yer splish-splash all over me burgers."

Most, if not all of the customers instantly perked up, gagged, and left.

Mr. Krabs turned to face Squidward, his face serious. "That's coming out of your paycheck."


I hope you enjoyed the read and had a good laugh. Again, I do not mean to offend. Also, if this is more along the lines of "M" fanfiction, please let me know and I will post it somewhere other than "SpongeBob SquarePants Funshots".

My inspiration this time? Nothing, really. I had originally planned for a plot twist in the beginning but things quickly went south and I stuck with it. I thought I might keep you guys waiting too long if I didn't update soon, so chew on this story for a while.

Readers, I advise you to check out my poll!

Also, should I do an age reveal?

Remember, we all are human and deserve equal treatment and love. Be who you are. Over and out!