Tony watched Gibbs walked away, his stride determined and seemingly angry. Not that it was so unusual but a little different lately. Something was eating at him and it showed. He drank more coffee than usual and not even griping about the break room coffee. Also, by looking in his eyes, not sleeping well. Tony knew Gibbs did actually sleep sometimes but never well or deeply. Of course, this was Gibbs, a force of nature unto himself. For the millionth time since he'd met the man, Tony wished he would open up a little and tell him what was going on in his head. But that wasn't who Gibbs was. He affectionately referred to Gibbs as a functional mute for a good reason but sometimes, like now, he wished he was less mute.
The logical part of his brain told him he must have talked some or how else would he have convinced four women to marry him? Never mind the fact that three of the four had ended bitterly. He knew Gibbs had caught his second wife in bed with another man and that was why that marriage had ended. He remembered Stephanie bitching at him for not talking to her. And Diane, well, that woman was so bitchy, he suspected that marriage ending was as much her fault as his. If she had nagged him every day, he wouldn't have talked to her either. Wouldn't they have known before they married him what he was like? That was the one thing Tony couldn't wrap his head around. Not that it mattered what he thought anyway, if he wouldn't open up to the women he had married, there was no way in hell he'd ever open up to him. Even thinking about it was laughable. That was just not the kind of friendship they had, well at least in as much as a friendship Gibbs allowed.
Ziva broke the silence. "What's with him?" she asked, looking between Tim and Tony, seemingly forgetting her own irritation at Abby for the moment.
Both Tim and Tony shrugged. It was a rhetorical question.
"Does he not seem sad to you two?" Ziva's eyes were pained, as if it pained her to see him sad.
Tony shrugged again but didn't respond. He was not going to discuss Gibbs with her or anyone else. His unspoken rule: Never betray Gibbs. That rule was more important than ever now, he mused, a pang stinging his heart. He thought about the secrets he knew about Gibbs that he had kept quiet for so long, #1 being Shannon and Kelly. Before he came to work NCIS, he did a deep background check on his boss, too wary of being betrayed by another partner the way Danny had. He never ever told anyone he knew about Gibbs' first wife and daughter and pretended to be as surprised as everyone else. He had been stunned that no one else had known - he could tell by the glazed shock in their eyes that they really hadn't known. He could tell from talking to them that they had all believed he hadn't known either and that had also contributed to their shock. Right after that, Tony had noticed a subtle shift in attitude toward him. That Tony hadn't known meant that he wasn't as close to Gibbs as they had all once believed and as far as Tony knew, even Gibbs hadn't known he knew about Shannon and Kelly. He cared about and respected the man too much to throw that hurt in his face by telling him he'd ferreted out his secret. There were times that Tony suspected that Gibbs figured he'd known but neither man addressed it. Tony wondered if they might eventually but he wasn't going to activate that particular time bomb. No, if Gibbs wanted to, he would.
When Gibbs returned a few minutes later, he was back to his almost normal, stoic self, not as angry and not as sad. He'd tried to get a look in his eyes but Gibbs hadn't looked around and he focused on his paperwork again as he started writing on the form, almost viciously, like the paper was attacking him.
A smirk curled up on Tony's lips. The paperwork was attacking…with boredom. It was the perfect cure for insomnia. Maybe if Gibbs took some of his paperwork home at night, he'd sleep better. Okay, they weren't really allowed to do that but the thought amused him anyway.
A vision of Gibbs sleeping peacefully in his arms flashed in his mind and that familiar ache course through him. It was a dangerous way to think, especially at work. Most days, he was able to control it and kept dangerous thoughts about his boss far away from the forefront of his mind, but it was days like this…when Gibbs was on edge, that was harder. For so long he had held his feelings at bay but lately but it was getting harder to do. He was tired of pretending. Tired of wishing, wanting, needing, fantasizing. It wasn't enough. The disaster with EJ proved that. His relationship with her had taken the edge off his loneliness, at least for a little while but Gibbs' distrust of her had been justified and Tony had cursed himself for not listening to him. It seemed like such a good idea at the time and no one else had come closer to making him set aside his feelings for Gibbs and move on. Now though, hindsight being 20/20, he realized those feelings were never really set aside - just whispering in the background…if by whispering you mean screaming.
A wave of frustration welled up and that on top of his irritation over being accused of a prank he hadn't pulled just made him feel worse. He remembered that the following day was Valentine's Day and gritted his teeth. He would be alone and the loneliness was getting to him. Why was it so damn hard to find someone to love the way he wanted to love and be loved by? With a grimace, he realized if Tim and Ziva knew what he was thinking right now, they'd probably laugh. Tony DiNozzo not have a date for Valentine's Day…Tony DiNozzo was lonely…Tony DiNozzo unlucky at love? Yeah, very funny. He was in his 40s now and he was starting to look his age. Oh, he knew he was still a good looking guy but he'd lost the youthful edge that once drew women in droves. Now, he was just getting old and the fact that he was a bachelor did not bode well for the future. Women wondered what was wrong with a man who had never married by the time he reached his 40s. If he was divorced, he would be better off but after his father's serial marriages, he figured if he ever did, it would be one time and one time only.
He deliberately pushed thoughts about Wendy away. He was so not going to think about her if he wanted to keep any edge to his sanity. He'd been ready to get married back then and the desire to have a love that would make him want to marry was such a deep-seated ache that his soul screamed.
He swallowed hard as he recalled a couple of weeks back when he took a second shower that day just so he could cry under the hot spray. He seldom indulged in that release of emotion but he felt broken. If he didn't get it out, it would come out at the absolute worst possible time and the shower was the best case scenario. He always felt better after those showers; made it possible for him to get a grip. They only happened a couple of times a year, sometimes three if it was a bad year - with two exceptions. The first was the year Kate died. That year, he cried about ten times - the nightmares from having the plague and those damn blue lights, nightmares about Kate and Tim nearly getting blown up by that car bomb and then the nightmares of Kate getting shot and in those dreams, Gibbs and Tim were also shot and the grief over losing Kate - it was the grief more than anything else that had been his undoing. As much as they bickered, they still loved one another - Kate staying with him in isolation when she should've left was proof of that - it all piled up and with his weakened physical condition after the plague, well, something had to give.
The year Gibbs had been caught in that explosion and then went to Mexico had been the other bad year - a half dozen extra showers bad year. Just remembering Gibbs being gone filled him with loneliness. Never in his life had he missed someone so damn much except his mother and the few cherished memories of his mother were not as intense as the feelings he harbored for his 'second B for bastard' boss.
Unbidden, an image of Gibbs looking at him the way he'd seen him look at the various women he'd dated over the years came to mind and it took every ounce of will he had to push that thought away. He could not go there at work either. With Tim and Ziva and especially Gibbs sitting so close - just NO! Not happening. Despite his efforts to push the thought away…or perhaps because he tried to push it away, the image persisted and he shivered a little, fervently wished it could be true. After all this time though, it was painfully obvious his boss was not interested in men, or if (and that was a big if) he was, just not interested in him. Tony knew Gibbs liked him well enough to keep him on his six - they did have a friendship of sorts - one that Tony was deeply grateful for - but no sign that Gibbs could ever think of him in any other way. Of course, Tony knew how annoying he could be. He couldn't blame anyone for not being interested. Plus, he messed up a lot, no doubt he'd be a trial to put up with. Even EJ, who he thought had liked him well enough, would get annoyed by him. He'd accepted that fact a while back, of course, but accepting it didn't lessen the ache.
Idly, Tony wondered if telling him how he felt would help or just make it worse. So many times, he thought about confiding in Abby but could never bring himself to do it. He hated to admit it, but he just didn't trust her to keep that particular secret. He knew she wouldn't have a problem with him being bisexual but he didn't know how she would feel about him being attracted to Gibbs and if she was okay with it, would she push him to tell him? Despite her own commitment issues, she was a romantic at heart and sometimes didn't think through things as much as she should. That Mawher guy that she got the restraining order against was a perfect example. And if he had told her and she let it slip to someone else and it got all over the Navy Yard that he cared about Gibbs, that could be disastrous on multiple levels, the worst would be that word got out that everyone would know something so deeply personal except Gibbs himself and hate Tony for that. Vance might even set him back out as Agent Afloat again. Tony inhaled sharply at the thought. He would quit NCIS first. There was no way in hell he would ever endure that particular hell ever again. Besides, he had enough experience now he could probably get a job with another alphabet - not that he wanted to - he liked his job here, but if he ever had to, he probably had options. That, at least, made him feel a little better. Most of all though, no, he couldn't tell Abby.
So maybe I should tell him, Tony silently debated. Tony doubted Gibbs would punch him or anything like that. He knew Gibbs wasn't homophobic. Best case scenario: he would be flattered but not into men. Things might be awkward for a while and maybe eventually, they would settle back in their friendship as long as Tony didn't push, which he wouldn't. Tony just feared he'd find it too hard to be around him if he knew and didn't feel the same and that would destroy their friendship and their working relationship. Worst case scenario - he couldn't even think about that.
No, don't tell him. Everyone was better off. Their friendship was intact and their team was still solid. Couldn't risk either one for an outcome he knew was inevitable.
He snapped his thoughts back to the present. He'd just been sitting there for a while, not doing anything, just thinking. He was really surprised Gibbs hadn't come up on him and head-slapped him back to work or growled at him or…something. When he risked a glance over at him, he found the man sitting very still, staring at the paper in front of him but barely holding his pen in his grip. Hell, the man was as deep in thought as he had just been. What is he thinking about? Tony wondered. He knew there was no answer to that question. Gibbs would never tell and no one else knew the man well enough to even guess. Tony thought he knew him better than anyone else and even he couldn't even venture a guess. Frustration welled up again. Loving him and not knowing how to reach him made him ache all over again. Some days it really was too much.
