Edward pulled out the hammer and lifted up his blender. He shattered the glass of the blender with the hammer and plugged it into the corpse of his dog. He set the blender to the 15th setting and aimed it at the sky.
Edward unzipped his pants and unbuttoned his shirt. He threw his clothing onto the spinning blades, eradicating all existence of the clothing. This opened a portal into the netherworld. There was a special leather in this land that will increase the cutting power of his Coblade, as he now realizes his love for the cobra-sword. He dipped his sword into the ashes of the netherworld and when he pulled it out, it glowed white with strength. Edward giggled and found himself losing control.
Edward then sat on the spinning blades of the blender, shutting off the power to the netherworld and enjoying his new weapon. He gagged himself with his new powerful sword and used this nirvana to think of a new way to help him. He grabbed jumper-cables and waited.
Alice Cullen was walking into Edward's room. She was in a full body BDSM outfit.
"Edward!" she screamed, "Do the god-damn dishes you piece of shit!"
"Later, I gotta, I gotta, oh god I'm gonna... OOOOOOOH!" Edward's hips exploded and the ecstasy flowed quickly through his veins.
"Fine you son of a bitch!" Alice broke through the window of the room since the door was replaced with a window.
Edward threw the jumper cables at his sister. They clamped right on her enormous jugs. She turned to ash from the strength of fifty thunderbolts.
Edward thought about cheese.
