So... yeah. It's been a while.
So here's another chapter! I have finished like two months ago... But I was not satisfied with it until today. So here it is!
Thank you for your wonderful feedback! :)
Live long and prosper! (and continue to leave reviews :) )
"Spock… What did you say?"
The Vulcan stared at Kirk with such intensity that it was almost palpable. Slowly, Spock walked towards him, never taking his eyes away from Jim's.
"I merely said that you misunderstood my intentions, Jim. Indeed, they are quite the opposite of what you assumed."
Spock reached for Jim's cheek, barely brushing his fingers over the other man's jaw.
"Jim, I would not be adverse to partake in a relationship with you that can be referred as 'more than friends'."
The Captain was holding his breath, incredulous. I must be dreaming, thought Jim. No fucking way that this is happening.
"In fact, that would… please me greatly," finished Spock.
Wake up, Jim, It's too good to be true.
For a few seconds, they stood still, Spock's delicate fingers on Jim's face. They looked at each other silently, needing no words to communicate. Jim's throat was dry, and he felt his heart throbbing in his chest. As he looked in Spock's beautiful dark eyes, he saw something flicker, something very deep that the Vulcan fought to repress – but obviously couldn't. And then, Kirk understood.
Okay, so, maybe, maybe, it's not a dream, but… Spock's clearly not himself. He's emotionally compromised. He shouldn't be feeling all that – hell, he shouldn't be feeling at all.
Then, he had a second epiphany. And it's because of me. I must put an end to it. Or…
Reluctantly, Jim took Spock's hand in his, and pulled it away from him. He walked a few steps towards his desk to put some distance between them, in an admirable (yet vain) effort to think more clearly. Absentmindedly playing with one of the artefacts that was lying in front of him, he sighed sadly.
"I – I cannot allow it, Spock. I wish I could, but I cannot."
Spock closed his eyes. His voice was shakier than usual when he spoke again.
"You – You do not feel the same way than I do."
It was a statement, though Jim heard the implied question behind it, and before he could even think about it, his mouth opened in protest.
"NO!" Seeing Spock's puzzled look, he dropped his voice and tried not to stutter, "I mean, uh, no, that's – that's not quite what I meant."
Spock's left eyebrow went up.
"Then, may I inquire… why, Jim?"
Running his hand through his hair, the Captain hesitated. It made sense in his mind, but how could he express it without looking like a total jerk?
"I think you're not yourself. You're – emotionally compromised –"
Before he could end his sentence, Spock had already started taking a step towards Jim.
"Jim, I assure you –"
"Let me finish, Spock," he snapped. The Vulcan halted at once. "I cannot allow you to be both my First Officer and my – something-more-than-a-friend. Because it would mean I'd have to relieve you of duty. Hell, it would mean I could be relieved of duty. And I really cannot – I cannot bear the thought of not having you as my First Officer, Spock. Or even just not having you."
Jim sighed painfully.
"And gods know I need you there, on the bridge, at my side, Spock. As if you've always been there and always will."
He turned around to look at his First Officer, whose face remained completely expressionless.
"I want you, I really do. I realize I've been wanting you for a while, now, without really being aware of it. But what I want doesn't matter.
"Jim –"
"And – and I need you as a friend," continued the Captain, not letting Spock interrupt him. He knew he wouldn't be able to finish if he allowed him to talk. "I need you as the person that knows me best, upon which I can rely completely no matter what happens. And I need to know that you will always be that person, because otherwise, my world doesn't make sense."
Jim closed his eyes. This was so much harder than he thought it would be. Hell, he hadn't even dared to hope that Spock might harbour anything more than friendship towards him, let alone imagining turning the Vulcan down.
"I cannot allow you to jeopardize that for me. I cannot allow myself to be selfish and to become your – lover. Even if there's nothing I'd rather be at the moment. In fact, there is only one thing I'd rather be right now, and it's your – friend. This way, I know you will always be in my life. I know it's a weak consolation prize, but I prefer to spend a lifetime with you as 'just friends' than the rest of my career apart from you."
Even if it breaks me, thought Jim. He fought very hard to keep a straight face, not letting the tears out of his eyes. He was stronger than that. He had survived worst crises. He could do this. Full of a new fragile determination, he opened his eyes. He wouldn't be afraid to be honest with Spock – or with himself. He wouldn't hide.
"And for that, I'm ready to give up being your lover, even though my body aches for it. Desire passes. Our friendship will not. I'll make sure of it. You mean so much more to me than I'll ever be able to express. And I won't fuck it up this time. Your heart is on the line, not just mine."
Spock stared back at Jim, his eyes betraying the growing tumult of conflicted emotions relentlessly building up in his chest that his voice was not.
"Are you quite finished?" he asked finally.
Jim frowned. Something in Spock's neutral tone made him uneasy.
"Well, uh, I guess I am, for now."
Spock nodded abruptly.
"Then, Jim, allow me to point you out some flaws in your logic."
Jim sighed in annoyance.
"Spock, please, don't. It's not going to –"
"I assure you –"
"I will make it an order, Mr. Spock," he insisted.
The Vulcan almost rolled his eyes, an attitude he could convey extremely well without actually doing it by tilting his head to the right and looking at Jim, unimpressed.
"As we are off-duty, Jim, I am afraid it is irrelevant."
Dismissing the First Officer's statement with a shrug, he started pacing nervously.
"Well, I'll leave then."
Spock minutely shifted his position as to put his body between the door and where Jim was standing. How the hell does he even do that?
"These are your quarters, Jim."
"Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious, I think I know that."
Spock frowned, visibly confused.
"I am not Captain –"
"Forget it, Spock, it's just an expression."
The Vulcan nodded in acknowledgement, probably storing the information in the 'human locutions that didn't make sense" section of his brain.
"Logically, it is not you who should leave but I."
Irritated, Jim crossed his hands behind his back and walked up to his First Officer. He wants to play dumb Vulcan and logic and all that with me, then he. will. fucking. get. it.
"Indeed, Commander," mimicking the Vulcan's expression and voice. "Though, we could say that it is fascinatingly illogical that you have not."
Arching an eyebrow, Spock also put his hands behind his back, decidedly putting his back to the door.
"And neither shall I. Captain."
Dropping the act, Kirk threw his arms up at the ceiling in frustration.
"Then, I will –"
"I shall not until you hear what I have to say," he pursued, ignoring Jim completely. "After that, if you find what I want to tell you… distasteful, I shall endeavour to leave you alone. If that is still your wish."
"I really don't think it's a good idea, Spock," repeated Jim, stubbornly.
He tried to put some distance between the Vulcan and himself by walking back to his desk.
"Are you afraid that I will be any less than honest or honorable with you, Jim? Do you think… that I will abuse you?"
The Captain turned around abruptly, gaping at his friend in disbelief.
"What? No, of course not. That's the most ridiculous – Why the hell would you think that?"
"Because of your insistence to be freed of my presence, among other things. One could deduce that it is out of fear that I do something against your will."
Rubbing both his hands in his face, Jim sighed, exasperated.
"No, Spock, I'm not afraid that you're going to take advantage of me. You are the last person I would ever suspect of doing so, believe me. I trust you, I just – I'm just tired and I don't want to talk about any of this. Not now, at least, when I'm still shaken from what happened today."
When it's still too painful, he thought.
"Jim, as your friend, you deserve an explanation and you ought to hear my 'side of the story', as humans say."
Dropping his head, Jim vaguely motioned his hand in the air in abdication.
"Alright, Spock. But I am very tired. And… well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude."
Don't be afraid, a small voice was whispering in his mind. It's going to be alright.
"No matter what happens, Jim," started Spock. "You are my friend. I have been – and always shall be – yours. It is something I expressed several times now. But you are – also – more than a friend. In every possible way. Nyota is a friend, as are Mr. Scott, Mr. Sulu, Dr. McCoy – "
Kirk couldn't help but chuckle at that. Spock paused, looking disapprovingly at him.
"What is the cause of your hilarity?"
The Captain was now laughing almost hysterically, probably more out of nervousness than of real entertainment. Though, to be fair, thought Jim, just picturing Bones's face, had he been here…
"I find your lack of restraint… disconcerting, Jim."
"Wait, okay, so, Bones – your friend?!" he finally managed to say.
Spock's mouth twitched a little, though he remained completely composed and very solemn as he replied.
"… Of course, Jim, though I fail to see why you are so amused – or even surprised – by the fact."
"It's just – it's just so – so – oh my god, wait, wait until I tell him –" he hiccoughed.
Spock frowned, looking concerned
"I would prefer that you refrain to inform the said doctor –"
"There's no way I am not telling him!"
"–of that particular fact." He paused minutely. "It is, however, irrelevant at the moment."
"Alright, alright," replied Jim, fighting to control his amusement. Glancing at Spock tensed frown, he finally managed to get a hold of himself. "You're right. I'm sorry."
Sternly, Spock inclined his head.
"Jim", continued Spock, after a few seconds. "As I was saying, you are much more than a friend to me. You are also a brother. A brother in arms, a brother in soul. The brother I never – The only person I ever shall wish to call brother. And yet, you are much more than just a brother too."
Spock paused, looking intensely at Jim.
"I cannot find a proper word in Standard to express what you are to me, Jim. You are my – t'hy'la."
"What– What does it mean?" asked Jim, his voice rougher than usual.
Dammit, man, get a hold of yourself already, he cursed himself.
The Vulcan looked down, as though suddenly self-conscious or embarrassed. Which was something unheard of, at least, as far as Jim was concerned.
"It – It has a triple meaning in Vulcan. Friend, brother,… lover."
"Spock…", warned the Captain.
"Please, let me finish", said Spock, some urgency now piercing through his usually stoic demeanor. "Even if you do not want to allow the matters to go further between us, you will not stop being my t'hy'la. Do you not see? For Vulcans, relationships are not necessarily affected by sexual encounters or – or physical intimacy. I had intimacy with Nyota, even though she always was nothing more than a friend. And I have known for a while that you are my t'hy'la, even though we have not shared the same promiscuity."
"Why change things now? Why can't I be your t'something without sleeping with you?" obstinately argued Jim, though his mind was reeling.
Spock wants to be my lover. Spock wants to be my lover. Spock…
Spock unclasped his hands from his back and quickly walked towards the Captain.
"Because I want to. I am ready. I do want to know you in every possible way."
"But…"
Spock wants to be my lover.
"Jim. Is it going to change anything? Do you not think I will remain emotionally compromised even if we forego an eventual sexual aspect of our relationship?"
Don't, a little voice was saying in Jim's head. Don't yield to the logic of his argument. Because it is not a logical argument and you know it.
"I don't know, Spock," he shouted in irritation. "I really don't know. For me, it makes a difference."
Spock inclined his head, skeptical.
"If I were in danger right now, would you not sacrifice everything to save me?"
"Yes, of course, but that's beside –"
"It is not," intervened the Vulcan. "A few hours ago, you saved my life. Why?"
"Why do you think? You are my friend, for heaven's sake!" Jim bellowed. "Why wouldn't I have saved your life when it was in my power to do so? Do you seriously think I would've let you die there? I would have done the same for Bones or Uhura. Or any of my crew. That is my responsibility."
Spock nodded, as though he expected Kirk's answer.
"I believe you would have, indeed. However, it is a direct violation of regulations."
It took Jim a moment to register what the Vulcan had just said.
"Regu – Spock, the hell with regs! When lives are at stake, I do not fucking care what the book tells me."
"Then, you are emotionally compromised, Jim – by your crew, not only by me."
The Captain laughed humorlessly.
"Yeah, well, tell me something I don't know."
"You admit that you are", the First Officer insisted, his face hard. "If you had a direct order to leave Nyota or Mr. Sulu behind, would you follow it?"
"Well, I – I mean, it would depends of the circumstances. Really, Spock, I think you know by now that I can respect the chain of command."
"I am aware that you can, and I did not say that you never do. Merely that you do not necessarily do so when a dire situation arises. If you were ordered by Starfleet command to leave me behind, would you do it? No matter the circumstances?" he added, sensing that Jim was about to protest.
Jim glared at Spock angrily, trying very hard to master his simmering temper. He turned his head abruptly away from Spock.
"No. I wouldn't."
Spock sighed imperceptibly.
"You know very well you could be court-martialed for it. You could be court-martialed for the actions you undertook today, because of your disrespect of so many regulations and direct orders. That you have not is beyond my comprehension, though not unprecedented."
"I guess I'm just lucky," he replied bitterly.
Kirk could feel the Vulcan's gaze on his face, but he avoided it. He didn't trust himself to face it just now.
"You will not always be," Spock continued. "Jim, do you not understand? You would consciously act against a direct order to save my life. You would forfeit your career for me."
"I owe you my life a dozen times over. Isn't that worth a career? You're my friend. And that's also part of the reasons why we cannot allow our relationship to go further!" yelled the Captain, suddenly releasing all the anger that built up his chest. He looked at Spock sharply, his eyes throwing flames at his First Officer.
"Are you still under the impression that you would act differently in a dire situation if we indulged in sexual intimacy?"
"Yes! I would!"
The Vulcan considered the Human thoughtfully.
"How?" he asked, after a while.
Anger still flaring up his chest, Jim shook his head.
"How what?"
"How would you possibly act differently?"
"I would not perceive you the same way, obviously," Kirk snapped.
Spock arched an eyebrow.
"You are saying that you would not regard me as you regard me now if we simply were to 'have sex'? I fail to see how and why it would be so, as you already just admitted that you would ignore any order going against my rescue or survival no matter the circumstances. I do not understand how you could possibly be more compromised towards me that you already obviously are. Unless you think 'sleeping together' would diminish your regard of my persona, in which case, it would be only log-"
"What? You think that if we fuck I would somehow lose interest in you and consider you a lesser friend? Contrarily to popular belief, I was never such an asshole. I don't even do one-night stands that often anymore – and really, I was never that much into them in the first place. If you want to know."
"Then, I fail to see how a romantic arrangement of some kind would change anything between us, Jim. It is not as though we were not already spending most of our off-duty time and shore leave together."
Jim suddenly felt tired beyond exhaustion. He closed his eyes, wanting nothing more than lay down somewhere. With Spock, preferably, his mind completed. No. Won't happen. Can't happen, he weakly tried to convince himself.
"I – I just would, okay? It would make a difference."
"Your logic is flawed," remarked Spock, something very akin to impatience piercing in his voice.
"Yes, I know, Spock, and you are the one that makes it that way,"
Both of Spock's eyebrows went up. The Vulcan looked at his Captain, almost sadly.
"You are already emotionally compromised far beyond the point of no return."
"YES, I AM," Jim exclaimed, truly exasperated now. "That's what I've been telling you."
"I fail to see –"
"Oh, seriously, Spock, I'm tired of your shit. You won't convince me that it's actually going to help that we sleep together. You just can't logic your way out of this and have what you want."
Spock remained completely still. He looked at Jim silently, his face unreadable. Then, he straightened a little and put his hands back behind him, adopting the formal pose he always had on the bridge.
"Then, sir, I will have to do the only thing I truly do not wish to do: I shall ask for a transfer."
Kirk gaped at his First Officer. He certainly didn't expect Spock to come up with that.
"What? No! Certainly not! I won't allow it!"
"You do not seem to allow me to do much, Captain," Spock stated, his voice as cold as it was bitter. "You will not allow us to take the next logical course of action in our relationship, and yet, you won't allow me to transfer. What am I allowed to do, then, sir?"
"But… I don't want you to transfer! You – you don't even want to transfer!" he cried out. "Do you?"
"I – do not."
"Then, why –"
"Jim. I cannot remain near you if you – if you reject me."
Looking at Spock in disbelief, Jim shrugged helplessly.
"I'm – I don't want to reject you."
"Then, do not."
"I have to. It's my duty."
His eyes fixed intently on Jim's, the Vulcan let out a small sigh.
"Then, I must transfer, Jim. For the sake of the crew. For your sake. And – and mine."
"But I don't want you to go either, Spock! I can't – I can't – no. You cannot leave."
"And yet, you will not consider bonding with me either."
It took several seconds for Jim to stop gaping stupidly at Spock. Well, that sure had escalated quickly, he thought desperately. One minute, he's ready to transfer and the next, he wants to get married? Of all things.
"Bond? Wh – You want to – to bond with me?" he stammered feebly.
"I thought I had made that clear, Jim. You are my t'hy'la. Thus, logically, our next step would be to – become bondmates."
Oh, gods. I'm so screwed.
Jim's head was turning now. He tried to steady himself by sitting on the edge of his desk, to no avail.
"I don't follow you, Spock. You never ever talked about bonding. You talked about – having sex."
Spock shook his head, which was an extreme gesture in itself for the Vulcan.
"Did you think I was only interested in the 'sex', Jim?"
"Well, yes. That's all everybody is always after with me. Sex," he replied dismissively.
Spock looked at his Captain for a few seconds, as though trying to piece a hole in his skull.
"If I were only 'after the sex', Jim, do you not think I could have had what I wanted a long time ago?"
"But I thought – Wait. What the hell did you just say?" he exclaimed, completely taken aback.
Spock tilted his head in what was a great display of surprise for a Vulcan.
"I have had many opportunities to observe your behavior in social gatherings, Jim," he retorted innocently. "You have a quite powerful sex-drive, which tends to increase when you are inebriated."
Jim's mind remained completely blank. Then, he caught up with what Spock was apparently – and definitely not that innocently – suggesting.
"Wait – are you implying that I am easy?"
"You did proposition me quite a few times," stated the Vulcan, somewhat reproachful.
"What? When?"
"When we were planet side during the diplomatic mission on Altair VI, among others. That was a – most memorable night."
Kirk winced at the memories – or rather his lack thereof – of that particularly not glorious evening.
"Oh. Uh, yeah. I, uh, don't remember much –"
"You were quite intoxicated."
The Captain paused. There was something nagging at the back of his mind about that event that he couldn't quite pin down.
"Wait – that was, what, like not even a month ago! You weren't with Uhura anymore."
"Indeed, though I fail to see the relevance –"
"Were you aware of your feelings towards me at the time?" interrupted Kirk, inflexible.
"I was aware of a certain – attraction," admitted Spock.
"So why did you refuse?"
The Vulcan stared at the starship captain, with an air of profound annoyance and exasperation.
"You were 'drunk', Jim, almost to the point of unconsciousness. It would have been – abuse."
"And if I hadn't been drunk when I asked you? What would you have done?" softly inquired the human.
"Vulcans do not engage in casual sex, Jim," he countered carefully.
"But you did with Nyota."
It was half a statement, half a question, for Kirk was not certain of the actual level of intimacy the two had shared. They surely had been discreet about it.
"Yes," responded Spock, visibly uncomfortable. "However, it was prior to develop strong feelings for you. Nyota would have made a suitable bondmate, though our relationship would not have outgrown tender affection. When – when you died, Jim, I realized how deep my feelings were for you. And I realized you were – the one. And since then, I haven't had any intimacy with anybody, not even Nyota."
"What did she say to that?" he snorted, trying to imagine her reaction. Somehow, he doubted she had reacted logically.
Spock tensed and looked mildly offended, as though he knew what Kirk was thinking.
"It is none of your business. But even though she was not pleased with the outcome, she told me she felt the same. She told me that she was partaking in a romantic relationship with me because it was convenient."
"She said that?" he exclaimed. Somehow, he couldn't quite picture Uhura as being an opportunist in a romantic relationship.
"This was not her exact phrasing, but her meaning was clear. Please. Jim. I do not want to talk about Nyota at the moment. We are getting sidetracked."
"Are we?" sighed Jim, impossibly weary. It had been a long day. "I don't know, until a few minutes ago, I didn't even dream that someone would ever ask me to marry them, let alone that that person would be you, of all people."
"If you do not wish to bond with me, Jim, I will understand. Nevertheless, I would not be able to remain on the Enterprise."
"Why not?" said Kirk, in a small voice. His shaky emotional control was slipping uncontrollably. He was just on the edge of a mental breakdown.
"I would be emotionally compromised beyond control," whispered the Vulcan.
"And you wouldn't be if we're bonded?"
Spock sighed heavily, showing how deeply the issue was affecting him.
"Jim. Vulcan physiology is different from yours. If we do not bond and remain close, my focus would be compromised, not allowing me to meditate and to think clearly. It would result in more and more frequent – displays of emotion. Especially when your life would be at stake. If we bond, our minds are going to be joined in a way that would stabilize both your emotions and mine."
"Oh. I see."
"Do you truly understand, Jim?"
He thought about it for a moment. What Spock was saying made sense, and a part (a very big part) of him wanted nothing more than accept and live happily ever after with the beautiful creature standing in front of him. But could he? Could he really let himself be happy? Another part of him was unnerved at the prospect, forbidding him to yield; because being happy almost meant possibly being hurt. Again. And he really didn't like that.
"Yeah… I think I do. But I still don't know what to do with – with us. Hell, it's the first time I ever have dealt with a 'us'. It's not easy for me, Spock. I've never been involved in a long-term relationship. I haven't been committed to – to anyone before."
"You are wrong. You have," simply said Spock, though Jim looked puzzled. "With Starfleet. With the Enterprise."
"Yeah, but that's different," dismissed the human with a shrug.
"I fail to see how. Is there anything you would not do for your ship?"
Jim smiled weakly.
"Yes, there is. I would sacrifice her over you, if need be."
The Vulcan's breath caught in his throat, his usually composed mask cracking perceptibly.
"Jim."
"Spock."
Spock looked down, his chest heaving rapidly. He was trembling from head to toe.
"Do you – love me?"
Kirk swallowed. His voice was not more than a whisper when he replied.
"I – Do I love you? Do I love you? Even as a friend, Spock, I love you. But I love you more than I have loved anything, anybody in my life. I'm – Shit, I'm so emotionally compromised that it's not even funny. I love you so fucking much it hurts."
Slowly, Spock walked towards Jim, still shivering. He could barely make out his words when the Vulcan spoke again.
"Jim, will you bond with me?"
Jim was shaking uncontrollably. He still couldn't completely believe that this – all this – was not a figment of his imagination.
"You're serious? You – What about you, Spock? Do you love me?" he challenged, trying desperately to find a reason to refuse, because he knew, he knew now that he didn't want this to be a dream, that he wanted to accept Spock's proposition so badly it hurted, that if that wasn't real, his whole world would just collapse.
"Love is an emotion, Jim."
"I don't believe it, after all you've said, you still can't admit, you deny –"
"Therefore, as we already established that I am emotionally compromised, yes, Jim, I do love you."
Jim just gaped at the Vulcan. Really, at the moment, it seemed the only thing he could do.
Spock loves me. Spock loves me. Spock loves me. Spock loves me.
"I am afraid that my logic is uncertain, where you are concerned," he continued, looking sheepish – well, as sheepish as a Vulcan could look.
Jim chuckled softly.
"Yeah, well, mine was never sound to begin with."
Spock smiled minutely. Jim's face always had been an open book, even when he tried very hard to compose himself. Slowly, the First Officer walked up to where Jim was standing. He took the Captain's hand in his, gently joining them.
"Jim, will you bond with me?"
Spock looked at Jim, reading in his eyes the answer he was too overwhelmed to utter.
"Spock, I – I don't know what to say."
Jim held his breath. He could not believe this was happening. As he looked in Spock's eyes, though, he felt the Vulcan's certainty and love radiate. The Vulcan's lips were unbelievably close of Jim's. Spock's breath brushed over them as he replied.
"Then, you do not need to say anything."
And Spock kissed him.
