Jacob and the Mysterious Romantic Evening

I was very excited. Today was me and Jacob's five day anniversary and he had been planning a surprise for moi.. Although I wasn't really sure if I was with Edward-o still, Jacob was being a cutay pie by planning me dis surprise. I knew I had to make a decision soon of who to pick and so far, Jacob was winning.

Earlier I had discovered a gorgeoouuuuss note in Edward's underwear drawer. It was beautiful, full of glitter and rainbows (Jacob knows that I love rainbows especially). It said:

You know I love you sweetheart. Meet me at the warehouse for some fabulous lovin'.

SWAK,

JakiePop

He must have found out that I went through Edward's underwear drawer a few times every week.

I, of course, immediately went home to pamper. I set a bubble bath and filled the water with dog biscuits. For some reason Jacob really got excited (if you know that I mean) when I smelled like puppy chow dog cookies. I lay in the bath for hours, until my skin got really pruny like a raisin. I also tried to shave my legs, but my razor was all rusty and I cut myself with it. They were still bleeding when I got out of the tub to put on my sexy police outfit I bought at PARTY CITY.

I bled through the risqué top part of the costume cause I was trying to shave some hairs that were mysteriously growing on my left nipple. But I think that only made me look more policey like I got shot or wounded. Good thing I wasn't doing it with Edward tonight!

He would probably try to drink my blood by sucking on my boob. Not that that wouldn't be pleasurable, but I was more in the mood for something doggie style.

Edward never really knew HOW to have sex. I think that's why he always refused to do it with me. He was too embarrassed. I mean, when you suck on my boob, milks gonna come out, not blood. If he wants some blood hes going to have to go farther south when its my time of the month. Jacob on the other hand was very rough. Sometimes he even reminded me of me and my dog when we were fooling around. But then I remembered I didn't have a dog… Who was that dog that always came in my house to fool around with me then?

But, on the other other hand, Edward had a bigger penis than Jacob I think. Maybe when I go to Jacob tonight I can measure him to compare and contrast. Where did I last put my tape measurer?

It was time to go. I walked down the street with a sexy police man swaggy. I pushed my left boob up so a little nipple was sticking out. Now I looked like a bloody hot mess who had been on such a dangerous mission that my nipple fell out! As I came near Jakes house, I saw Edwards gay silver Volvo in the driveway..

Now that I knew Edward was there, I needed to change my outfit. I adjusted my top so that not one but TWO nipples were showing. Sharing is caring, after all. I walked up to the warehouse and rang the doorbell. I screamed each time the doorbell went off to make sure Jacob heard that I was there.

I heard Jacob from the inside say "Did you hear that? Sounds like you when we do it up the butt, but if you were a bird."

Edward giggled.

I kept screaming hoping it turned Jacob on or something. Especially if Edward was crashing my party. I had to hold Jacob's interest.

What if he decided he liked butt sex better than vagina sex?

"You can have butt sex with me Jacob! I wuv you."

I started to cry. My snot ruined all my carefully applied makeup.

"BELLA? Is that you? And NO you don't have Edwards muscular man butt. Yours is all flabby and there are stretch marks on the left cheek. Plus, yours always has poop in it and then it gets all over my penis. Edward is CLEAN."

He was right. But only about the poop part.

"I THOUGHT YOU LIKED THE POOP PART! When you're a werewolf at least you do…"

"That's only because you had eaten caramel apples that day. I like caramel apples. Now go away, we were just getting to the good part. OH YEAH, Edward. RIGHT THERE!"

It was time to be a real police man now. I put my nipples back in so they wouldn't get hurt. Then I kicked the door open (even though it was already half way open, I still kicked it open). I ran in to find them doing things I never wish to see again. At a glance I saw Jacob licking Edwards stick. They were sharing the same popsicle.

"TOO FAR" I shouted. Dear god I can even be sexy with my nipples out of sight! I thought to myself.

"YOU KNOW THAT CHERRY IS MY FAVORITE FLAVOR!" I charged straight for Jacob and Edward and grabbed the popsicle. There was only one bite left but it was delicious. It tasted like Edwacob. I smiled at them both.

"Any more left?"

They both looked at me disappointedly, I guess they were mad that I ate the last bite, which is as everyone knows, the best part.

At this point, my costume was sort of falling apart. I guess I couldn't have expected anything better from PARTY CITY. Also, my boobs were just so huge they couldn't be contained by cheap fabric.

I tried ripping the top off in a sexy way those buff men do on tv, but it wouldn't rip all the way off, so I asked Jacob for some scissors.

"Why can't you just take off your shirt like a normal person, Bella?"

"You don't understand, that wouldn't be sexy. None of you understand!"

I started to cry once again, at the lack of Jacobs knowledge on sexy.

"Alright, alright! Here are some scissors. Jesus."

I grabbed the scissors from him, then cut the rest of the shirt off, leaving me in my sexy hello kitty bra.

"Bella, what did you do to your chest?" Edward said disgusted.

I had gone a little out of hand with the razor, leaving me covered in scabs and weird pimply things.

I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "God, Edward. You're so stupid with your vampire chest. Just because you're prepubescent and don't have chest hair, doesn't mean we all are. Would you have preferred my hairy nipple?" He gagged a little and I squinted. "DIdn't think so."

Edward was looking at me up and down and then he stopped and stared at my legs, hairless and hot as tits, you could see in his eyes how badly he wanted me.

"Bella… Maybe you should go to the hospital… there's a huge gash on the side of your leg…"

"NEVER." I looked at my leg. It was pretty gross. There was white stuff oozing from it. "Jacob, I told you not to cum on my leg anymore. Bad dog!"

Jacob looked away, embarrassed and little ashamed…

Edward saw him and screamed… "WAIT, YOU MUT, IS THAT PUS OR IS BELLA ACTUALLY RIGHT FOR ONCE"

I winked at him. "You'll never know." Then I laughed really wickedly and sexy like. My voice sounded raspy like it does whenever I gave that dog a bj. But then a lot of blood gushed out of my leg and my vagina and I collapsed.

"Jacob, hold me back, I can't control myself around her when she has her period!" Edward screamed, he did love his uterus lining.

Around who knows when, I woke up in an unfamiliar place, and it smelled like old people, so naturally, I screamed.

Then some old fat bitch came in asking me if I was alright, I told her no, and that she should probably go take a shower or use some better deodorant or something.

She sort of stared at me for a minute and then I decided to break the silence, so I bitch slapped her. She shrieked, I guess surprised at how much uMF I had, then she slapped me back! So I slapped her again. Then she stared down at her chart. "YOURE BELLA SWAN?"

"Yeah. Who's askin'?" I said with my best detective voice.

"Im Jacob Black's mother."

"Well, 'Jacob Black's mother' Where the hell am I, and why did you kidnap me, what do you want? I don't have your precious son, he's with his new gay lover, Edward-o, so go snatch his ass up, I don't have anything you want."

"What the hell are you talking about? You're in the hospital Bella, apparently you passed out from a loss of blood. I work here, you can call me Nurse Joy."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, AM I TRAPPED IN THE POKEMON NINTENDO DS GAME AGAIN? NURSE JOY, WHERE IS ASH, HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP ME GET BACK TO MY WORLD."

"Oh lord, Bella, no, you are on earth. I'll call Charlie. I think you should get some more sleep, press the button on the handle of the chair if you need me again."

"If I need you AGAIN? Bitch, I never needed your ass in the first place! Now scram, hoe."

I was a 10 on the sass scale at the moment.

About 15 minutes later, old fat bitch came back into the room. Once again, she came in without my consent or request.

"Bella, you have a visitor."

"BRING EM' IN, OLD HAG!"

She sighed, then brought in the mysterious figure, who limped in, looking like he had just been in a scruff.

"Bella… I need your help….Jacob-"

"IS PREGNANT?! I TOLD YOU TO USE PROTECTION, EDWARD-O!"