"Ok, they've been fed and bathed, and they need to be in bed by nine o'clock," said Harley Quinn, emerging from the bathroom with her children dressed in their pajamas. "You can tell them a story if you want, but they need to be physically in bed by nine. Did you hear that, puddin'?"
"Yeah, yeah, nine o'clock," muttered Joker, who was seated at his desk drawing up plans for a new deathtrap for Batman.
"What's supposed to happen at nine o'clock?" asked Harley.
"Uh…dinner," said Joker, not looking up from his plans.
Harley picked up the twins and placed them down on the table in front of Joker, covering his plans. "Bedtime is nine o'clock," she repeated.
"Fine, yeah, whatever," said Joker. "Stop nagging, would ya?"
"I'm not nagging – I'm just trying to make sure everything goes smoothly tonight," retorted Harley. "The kiddies need their routine – I don't want them up all night and cranky tomorrow."
"Daddy drawing," said Arleen, pointing at the picture beneath her.
"J.J. draw too," said J.J., picking up one of the markers and stabbing lines onto the plan.
"Aw, that's a lovely whatever it's meant to be, J.J.," said Joker, picking up his son. "But this is Daddy's picture. Why don't you go draw on something else, like the wall?"
"Ok," said J.J., hurrying over to the wall. He was seized by Harley before he could reach it.
"Puddin'…" she began.
"Will you relax, kid?" demanded Joker, standing up and helping Arleen down off the table. "You sound like a more talkative version of Batman, with all your rules and regulations and routines. Believe me, I know what the kiddies need, and I can look after them. So stop the stressing, huh?" he said, kissing her forehead.
"I'm sorry, I just…I don't know what I'd do if something happened while I was away," said Harley, hugging J.J. and releasing him. He and his sister immediately started chasing each other around the room, screaming. "You and the kiddies are my whole world, and you know Batman is still out there, waiting for an opportunity to take them away from us," continued Harley, as she entered their bedroom.
"You think I can't handle the Bat?" snorted Joker, following her. "I think that last caper of mine says differently. Anyway, if I were the Bat, I'd be spending tonight observing Ivy's party – that's a very likely location for something to go horribly wrong, and I don't just mean the Plant Lady deciding to do karaoke."
"I don't think he'd dare crash Red's party – she was very specific about the whole women-only thing," said Harley, reaching for her dress. "If Batman appeared, her plants would devour him in a second."
"Or she would," retorted Joker. "Y'know, she is getting up there, and probably desperate. Maybe that's why it's a women-only thing, so she doesn't get drunk and jump any of the guests. Women of a certain age can be very insatiable, or so I'm told. Or women of any age, judging by you."
"Gee, I hope she isn't too lonely," sighed Harley, sitting down to do her hair and makeup. "It must be hard to see other women like me and Emilia settling down with a happy family, and for her to still be single and alone. I wish she'd find a nice man – I mean, how hard can that actually be?"
"I dunno – I've never met a nice man," said Joker, shrugging. "It's one of the few things me and Pammie agree on – most people are awful. I mean, when the person this town embraces as a hero is a violent psychopath in a Halloween costume who beats up the mentally ill, it's kinda a poor reflection on society in general, wouldn't you say? The fact that he's considered some kinda ideal man is very disturbing."
"Well, people in this town are crazy," said Harley. "But that doesn't mean everyone is."
"Believe me, crazy is the only kinda man who would ever want Pammie," said Joker. "And not fun crazy."
"I wish she and Harvey could work things out," sighed Harley. "They make a cute couple."
"He can do better," retorted Joker. "And he's a deformed freak with bipolar issues, so that's how undesirable Pammie is. Anyway, she always has her plants. And she can talk to them, and…interact with them, just like she can with men. So maybe it's for the best that she's alone, where she can be happy with her freaky relationship with them."
"Maybe," sighed Harley, putting the finishing touches on her makeup. She stood up, and turned to face the Joker. "How do I look?" she asked. "Mr. J?" she said, realizing that he had gone. She headed back into the living room, where the Joker had returned to his plans, and Arleen and J.J. were drawing on the wall.
"Mr. J!" she snapped.
"You look gorgeous, pooh," said Joker, not looking up from his drawing.
"The kiddies aren't allowed to draw on the wall!" shrieked Harley, pulling them away. "See, this is what I'm talking about! You can't supervise them for five minutes!"
"Pumpkin pie, it's washable marker," said Joker, holding up his. "It wipes clean off. See?" he said, heading over to the wall and wiping it with his handkerchief. "No harm done. You have to trust me, huh?"
"I do trust you, puddin'," said Harley. "I just…"
"I know, you worry too much," he said. "And you need to stop that. You'll live longer. Now, aren't you just the prettiest picture?" he said, holding open his arms to her. She rushed into them, and he hugged her tightly. "You have a wonderful time at Pammie's party, and don't worry about a thing. Daddy J's taken good care of you all these years – why wouldn't he take good care of his kiddies too?"
"Well, when you put it like that," said Harley, smiling up at him. She kissed him. "I'll try not to worry. You kids be good for Daddy now," she said, kneeling down to hug and kiss Arleen and J.J. "Mommy will be home late."
"Have fun, Mommy!" said Arleen, kissing her.
"Say hi to Auntie Ivy!" said J.J., doing the same.
"I will, J.J.," said Harley, holding them both tightly and shutting her eyes. She didn't want to feel like this might be the last time she'd ever see them, but her stomach was tight with worry. She tried to repress it as she let go of them and looked up at the Joker.
"Call me if there's the slightest problem," she said. "I'll have my phone with me all night, and I'll come straight home."
"I told you, sweets, don't worry," he said, kissing her firmly. "Just have a good time, and don't drink too much. I don't want you coming home and pawing me when I'm trying to sleep."
She beamed, kissed him again, and then headed for the door. "Bye bye, angels!" she called. "Mommy loves you!"
"Bye bye, Mommy!" called the twins, standing by the door with Joker and waving her off.
Joker watched as the car disappeared into the night, and then picked up a radio. "Ok, Roc, coast is clear – bring 'em in!" he said.
A few moments later, the front door opened, and Rocco, the Joker's longest and most loyal henchmen, entered the room carrying a slim, scrawny man, tied and gagged. He was accompanied by several other henchmen, who carried bats, spikes, brass knuckles, and various torture implements.
Rocco put down the sobbing, struggling prisoner on the floor, and started in shock when he noticed the twins, who had returned to coloring on the wall.
"Uh…boss…why are the kids here?" he asked, slowly.
"Because Harley's busy, so they're spending the evening with Daddy," said Joker, heading into his study and returning with several weapons of his own.
"But…boss…we're gonna interrogate, torture, and brutally murder a snitch…" said Rocco, slowly.
"Well, obviously they're too young to help with that, Roc!" laughed Joker. "I mean, they're good with weapons, but they're not good enough to practice on a living person! What silly ideas you have for child-appropriate activities!"
"No, boss, I mean…they probably shouldn't be here…" began Rocco.
"Why, you think they'll get in the way?" asked Joker. "Trust me, they just need the right distraction and they can play happily and quietly for hours. And I've bought them some new toys especially for the occasion!" he said, holding up a huge trunk. "Kiddies, Daddy's got a surprise for you!" he said, taking it over to them and opening it.
"Dollies!" cried Arleen, grabbing a baby doll.
"Tools!" cried J.J., taking out a plastic tool set.
"That's right – now you have a nice play with those," said Joker, patting their heads. "Daddy has to go shank a squealer now."
"What's shank?" asked J.J., looking at him in confusion.
"Watch and see!" chuckled Joker, kissing him. "Now, Siddie boy," he said, rounding on the prisoner and smiling. "A little birdie told me you've been speaking to the cops."
The prisoner made violent noises of protest, and Rocco removed his gag. "Please, boss, I swear I haven't!" Sid gasped. "I would never do that!"
"You calling Pengers a liar?" demanded Joker. "He had a senior cop as a guest at the Iceberg Lounge a few weeks ago, who, under alcoholic persuasion, said they'd been getting tips from you. I don't see any reason why the cop or the Penguin would lie, do you?"
"Boss, it's not like that…it was just one time!" sobbed Sid. "I would never…never do it again! You know me, I'm loyal…"
"No, what you are is two-faced," interrupted Joker. "You'd fit right in with Harvey's crew, and you probably should have joined him instead of me. He sometimes doesn't kill traitors, depending on the coin. But I always do...eventually. You know me, Sid, I'm a fun guy. And before I do any unpleasant business, I always have a little fun."
"Boss…boss, no…no, please! Boss!" screamed Sid, as the Joker approached him, holding up a spoon.
Arleen and J.J. watched the proceedings calmly for a few minutes, captivated by the screaming. "Spoon in eye!" exclaimed Arleen suddenly, grabbing a plastic spoon and trying to stab it into her doll's eye.
"I shank, just like Daddy!" exclaimed J.J., grabbing a knife from the tool kit and stabbing it into his sister's doll.
"Aw, look at that, Roc!" said Joker, pausing in his torture to turn and smile at his kids. "They're torturing their dolls just like we're torturing Sid! They're imitating acts of violence – I'm so proud!"
"Yeah, it's…nice when your kids look up to you," agreed Rocco, slowly.
"Make blood go sploosh, Daddy!" cried Arleen, clapping her hands.
"Anything my princess wants," cooed Joker, grabbing a knife. A fountain of blood sprayed out, and Arleen and J.J. cheered and applauded over the screams.
After a few minutes, however, they got bored of the screaming and torturing, and looked around for something else to do. Joker and the gang were all distracted by the task at hand, and didn't notice Arleen and J.J. heading toward the front door. "Where Bug and Roo?" asked Arleen.
"Ouside," said J.J., pointing.
"We see?" asked Arleen, hopefully.
J.J. nodded, and carefully lifted up the flap in the door that had been specially installed for the Joker and Harley's pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, to enter and exit the house at will. Both twins crawled out of it into the darkness.
"Where Bug and Roo?" repeated Arleen.
"Aseep," said J.J., putting a finger to his mouth as he pointed at the doghouse in the front yard, where both hyenas were snoozing.
"Wha da?" asked Arleen, pointing to some neon signs flashing down the street.
"Dunno," said J.J.
"We see?" repeated Arleen.
Her brother nodded, and they both headed down the road, and out into the bright lights and big city of Gotham.
