Chapter 3-Ana, the girl that's not the Dom
Ana leads me out of her office and waves goodbye to Jose who smiles warmly at me. "Don't worry, bud. Ana doesn't bite…Well, sometimes." He says and winks at her and Ana just flips him off as she ushers me down the hallway that leads out of the club. I was blind folded when I was led in yesterday so I look around at all the instruments displaying on the wall. I spot a picture next to a bunch of floggers hanging from a medieval looking wrack that curves itself artfully around the wall. The picture is the front of guy, you can only see his bear, sculpted chest and in his arms is a brunette girl, also naked. They both have their arms wrapped around each other, their body seemingly doing an intricate dance that only they can understand. Underneath the picture, in big, cursive letters print the words.
Dominant: One that Respects, Loves, and Protects his mate.
I scoff at the philosophical words. If only the world worked like that.
Ana leads me out to a silver Subaru and I ride shotgun. My brain is registering the fact that I am getting into a complete stranger's car with no idea where we're heading to but I couldn't care less at the moment. "I hope you like pancakes." Ana says as she starts the car. Yes, I love pancakes. How did she know? Soon, we're pulling into the crowded parking lot of IHOP. I thought we were going to go eat at her house, does she really want to discuss what we are going to discuss in public?
"Don't worry, we're not eating here. I just ordered take out. You stay here." She says as she hops out of the car, leather jacket sauntering towards the store. Before she can even reach for the door, a guy steps out with a paper bag in his hand. Ana smiles widely at him before he picks her up, lifting her off her foot. Ana widens her smile as she returns the hug. The guy waves at me before handing her the bag and returning back to the store. Are all of her friends this friendly?
"Is he your boyfriend or sub?" I ask and I don't know why my voice is bitter. Ana pulls her seatbelt over and buckles herself in, laughing. "Paul?" she asks, throwing her hair back. "Paul is gay, Christian, so no, I am not his boyfriend or his Dom, and I don't think he even knows what BDSM stands for."
"Music?" she asks, "What do you like to listen to?"
My mouth hangs open in shock. "you're asking my opinion?" I don't even know how the words make it pass my mouth and Ana looks at me in confusion. "Yes, is there something wrong? We don't have to listen to any if you don't want to."
I quickly close my mouth and realize I must look like an idiot with my mouth gawking open. "um, no, it's fine. I just thought that since…you know…you were a Dom that you…um…"
"wouldn't ask for your idea?" Ana finishes my sentence. "yes…don't dominants do whatever they want…even with other people's subs?" I continue to stutter. Elena once had another Dom come and work with me and a shutter travels through my body as I think about him.
Ana sighs as she pulls up to a stop light. "See, Christian. This is how I know Elena's not treating you right. A good or even decent Dom would never abuse his subs. This lifestyle is about consent, but it's also about communication. Subs have a say in things, they're not the Dom's personal sex toy to just play and toss around with. They aren't second class citizens and shouldn't be treated as one. They are living, breathing people who have fragile emotions, just like the rest of us. The number one rule of a Dom is to always listen to and respect his/her Sub. And please, please don't see me as a Dom. I know our first encounter was in the club but outside the club, I am just Ana. And even if you do go back in the club, which you aren't because you're not allowed. I don't want you to view me as a Dom, I would like it if you can see me as a friend."
"Friends." I answer and Ana smiles back at me. "So what music do you like?" she tries again.
"Um, this is weird for my age but I prefer classical." I say and Ana chuckles. "I couldn't tell. Classical it is then." She says and turns on the radio as Bach fills my ears, the steady notes easing away my worries.
I gingerly sit down on the couch as I look around Ana's apartment. It seems…normal. I don't know what I was expecting, but you could never tell that she was into BDSM by her apartment. All four of her living room walls are surrounded by bookcases, books and magazine stack and pile over each other, all fighting for the little space left on the white shelves.
"You like to read?" I ask, standing back up and scanning her bookshelves, f. Scott. Fitzgerald, Poe, Frost, King, and Harper Lee stand proud and tall on her walls.
Ana laughs a little. "You can't tell." She says, making me smirk.
"Do you do editing or something? You practically moved the whole library in here." I ask, letting my fingers trail along the well-worn spine of a rack of books.
Ana smiles. "No, I am not. I do forensic science and run the club at night." She says, moving around her kitchen. "Can I get you something to drink? Water, Juice, Sprite?" she asks.
I stare at her in shock. Chemistry has nothing related to BDSM, either in the physical or emotional sense. My brain has finally decided to function again. "Um, water's fine. My mom would kill me if she saw me drinking sprite. She's a big health freak." I say, looking down at my feet. Yeah, because Grace would approve of BDSM much more. I feel my head ache that I have been trying to suppress creep back on, it's twine and veins wrapping around my nerve cells, holding me hostage.
Ana gives me a small smile while handing me my water and taking out steaming hot pancakes. "Let's eat first." She says but I already started devouring my food. I am so fucking hungry, Elena makes a point of not having me eat too much when I'm with her, but I don't give a damn right now. The whole time, Ana doesn't say a thing, just watches me with a sad smile, her light blue eyes turning a slightly darker shade of blue as a certain type of melancholy fills them.
We finish our meal in silence. Ana clears the plates as I just sit here like a fool. "I gather we have come to the part of this that we both don't like, huh?" Ana asks, sitting by me.
I nod, staring down at the souls of my feet. "What do you want to know?" I ask, keeping my voice neutral.
"Well, do your parent know where you are? You've been missing for a day now, I'm sure they're worried." Ana asks as I purse my lips.
"I told them I was at a friend's house over the weekend; they won't suspect anything else for another day." I tell the truth, no point in lying.
Ana nods her head. "Christian. I know this must be hard for you, considering you don't know me that well. But I promise, I have your best interest at heart. One thing I don't tolerate is abuse and you're a victim as much as you don't want to see it. I know because I am one myself." Ana says, blue eyes glued to mine. My head shot up, She's an abuse victim!? How!?
Ana draws in a long, shaky breath. "Look, I don't usually do this, but I figure if I want you to spill your heart and story out to me, I should grant you the same curtesy." She says and I can only nod, now curious.
Ana stands up, pacing around her big open window and gazes out at Seattle's sky line, skyscraper rising one after another, climbing higher and higher. "I was 16 when my mother remarried. Her new husband's name was Steve. I will spare you all the gory details, but he basically forced me to be his sub. While your relationship with Elena may have been consensual, mine was not. He threatened me with everything you can threaten a sixteen-year-old with to not tell anyone and I believed his threats. I was his sub for three years and I can't begin to tell you about all the humiliation, embarrassment, and pain I went through. It ended when I was 19, when I could finally get away. I met a guy named Noah my freshman year who understood the lifestyle. He showed me what it was really about. After that, I became a Dom myself." Ana rambles this information like it's math or some sort of logic test while I sit dumfounded, completely speechless. I will my brain to say something, to think of something, but I can only draw blanks.
Ana sits back down indie style on the floor in front me, leaning her head back on the couch I'm sitting on and closing her eyes. She speaks in a soft voice that strains a little bit "I know what it feels like, ok? To be drowning in this vast, deep sea we call life. To want to curl yourself up at night, that maybe, just maybe if you curl yourself up small enough, you can disappear. To feel like everything around you is falling apart, it's shreds scattering around you, so you hold on to whatever little control you have." And it's at that exact, precise moment that I see her for who she is. She is no longer the Dom that wears spiked heels or the tough girl in a motorcycle jacket and her black, converse boots are just a show. She's just a young girl, trying to take on the weight of the world on her wounded wings. All the extras-club, Dom, whips are all part of her façade, a way that helps her cope, or in more exact words, a way to show the world that it can't break her when in reality, it already has.
"I was fifteen. I was working in her yard, per my mother's request. And out of the blue she slapped me, hard. I think you can figure out the rest yourself. She's married, I know, but I…I just had to try and one thing turned into another. I have a touch issue on my chest…so…I can't have vanilla, that's why I agreed." I say, flightless words spill out of mouth that my brain can't even register. Flynn would be proud, not that he knows about this.
Ana doesn't say anything as she just listens. The empty silence fills the room as I listen to my own thumping heartbeat. Ana tilts her head back, looking up at me. "Seems like we both have issues, huh?" she asks while I snort. "That's one way to put it."
Ana turns around. "Look, Christian. I get that she is your long term Dom but she's abusing you. First, she manipulated you into agreeing to her lifestyle choice, then had you sign a contract that I'm telling you now that you're too young to sign, then proceeded to bring you to my club, which you are also underage for, and canned you till you almost past out. All this time, she's married and she has been seeing other boys, the report shows it." Ana says. Shit, if you put it like that…how can I not have seen this?
"Her husband is abusive." I mumble, it was the only defense I can think of for Elena. Ana grabs my hand, "ok, but that doesn't excuse what she did to you."
"No, but he'll flip if he finds out. He'll beat her, I've seen it happen. We can't let that happen." I say, panic seizing me as I try hard to breath. In and out, you've done this before. Images of Elena with a broken arm lying in a hospital bed fills my mind and I have to work hard on focusing my breathing.
Ana senses my panic and says in a soothing voice. "ok, it's ok. We'll figure out a way to not have her alone with her husband while we reveal the news, ok?"
"But what about my parents? They'll hate me, I'm not even their real son. I'm adopted" I say, hating the tremor in my voice. God, haven't I cried enough in the past day? What if Grace kicks me out and sends me back into foster care?
"Your parents love you, Christian. I am sure of it. They might be slightly disappointed but they love you. Trust me."
"No they don't." I shake my head. "I am not lovable."
Ana frowns at this. "Yes you are. I don't even know you and I already like you." She says and all I can do is blink at her in shock, my brain drawing blanks for the second time tonight.
Ana chuckles. "I mean not like that, but I think you're a good person." she says. She's lying. She just doesn't want to tell you the truth, which is that you are worthless for love. Love is for fools anyway. That little annoying voice whispers in my head but for the first time, I turn it off.
"But they'll be so mad." I mumble to myself.
Ana sighs a little. "How about a story? You want to know what my mom did when she first found out about what Steve was doing to me and that I kept it a secret for three years?"
"what?" Ok, I'll play along.
"She hugged me." Ana answers, a small smile playing by her lips as she recalls a good memory. "She hugged me so tight that I couldn't breath and she kept on apologizing, even when it wasn't her fault."
"But you said you didn't consent. I did. Grace will hate me. She'll send me back to foster care." I say, staring down at the floor as a tear slip out of my eye. When did I become a cry baby?
Ana looks at me, her blue eyes sparkling. "How about we make another deal?" she says as I scowl at her. I made a deal with her this morning, and now I am here pouring out my guts and soul to her. I'm not sure another deal is the best idea, but apparently my head had a mind of its own as I nod.
Ana beams. "Ok, so you don't want to tell your parents because you're afraid they'll be disappointed or so mad that they will throw you out and you'll have to go back to foster care again, am I right?"
I nod hesitantly. Ana continues. "Well, I'm not saying they won't be a little disappointed or mad, and don't expect them to embrace you into welcoming arms right away, but if they throw you out, you can come live with me and not go into foster care." Ana says as if it's the most logical thing in this world to say.
"You're crazy." I blurt out and Ana shrugs. "Aren't we all a little?"
"How old are you anyway? You can't take care of me." I state and Ana playfully narrows her eyes at me.
"To answer your question, I'm 22. And yes, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and another human. I have a job and everything." She states, turning her head like a petulant child and I just have to laugh.
I hold my hands in surrender. "Ok, ok. Geeze. But just remember, you came up with this deal, not me. I would hate to be stuck with you 24/7 though." I say as Ana dramatically places her hand over her heart, feigning hurt.
"Well, let's hope your parents keep you then." Ana replies, handing me her phone.
I feel my stomach flip and ties itself into multiple knots as I press in Grace's number. I feel Ana's gentle hand give my shoulder a light squeeze. "It's going to be ok. I promise." She whispers and I force the gulp back down my throat as I press the talk button.
