Dear Diary
Chapter 3
May 3, 2012
I had another session with Dr. Harvey today. He said I was looking a little better than the last time he saw me. That wasn't hard to believe since the last time he saw me I was a wreck, falling apart in his office, spilling my guts.
He asked me how I had held it together and acted okay the first few days I was back, going on a take-down and then flying to Boston after the fire.
I told him I'm used to being able to compartmentalize things. After the mission, I spent two days being debriefed and during that time, I got my shit together enough to get myself home with my usual plan of catching up on my sleep and going to Stephanie's to ground myself. I guess when I couldn't locate Stephanie during those first crucial days back, I started to withdraw and the nightmares began.
I've been on bad missions before, but I've always been able to put them behind me after coming home and drawing strength from Steph. She makes everything better. She takes the edge off and brings warmth and light to my life. I hold her in my arms whenever I get the chance and I draw some of her light into my soul to counteract the darkness. I try not to take too much, just enough to allow me to go on, then I push her away so I can't steal any more of her light. It doesn't belong to me.
This time, she wasn't around and the darkness overwhelmed me before I knew what was happening. This mission was different. This one turned personal. A baby was involved. A baby I rescued from his dead mother's womb and bonded with.
Ranger
r/s/r/s/
May 5, 2012
Dear Diary,
I walked into Dr. Harvey's office and took my usual seat on the brown leather chair across from his. Our session went like this:
"How are you feeling today, Ranger?"
"Better," I told him. "But the meds make me feel a little ... I don't know ... subdued."
"That's normal. They're designed to curb the highs and lows so you can find a middle ground. A lot of people describe the results the way you just did. Try to keep in mind that it's just temporary. When you're ready, I'll wean you off them and the subdued feeling will go away."
"When will that be?"
"I can't give you a date, Ranger. It's mostly up to you. You're the one who has to do all the work to get back to where you want to be. Have you been to your office yet?"
"No. I was thinking I might go for a little while this afternoon."
"Good. As long as you feel ready, I think it's a good idea. Keep in mind that you don't have to stay for any certain amount of time and no more than four hours a day, five days a week, for now. Have you seen Stephanie yet?"
I looked away from him and blew out a long breath. "No."
"Why not?"
I didn't answer.
"I've been told she asks about you. She calls Tank every day and asks if you're well enough for her to come visit with you."
I turned an accusing glare to him. "You're still discussing me with the core team?"
"No, I'm not, but that doesn't stop them from talking to me. I just listen." He paused for a moment. "Why haven't you seen her? Always, after past missions, you've told me you go to her. That she helps you center yourself and get your feet back on solid ground."
"That's true, but it's different this time."
"Why is that?"
"It just is."
"Tell me why, Ranger."
Fuck! "It's different because in the past, I had delusional thoughts about maybe having a future with her someday. Now I know that isn't possible."
"Why is it no longer possible?"
I didn't answer. I wanted this conversation to go away. I wanted the session to be over.
"Do you still love her?"
"Yes. I'll always love her."
"Then why is it no longer possible? How did this mission change that?"
"I don't want to suck her into my darkness. She's good and innocent. She's the total opposite of me. The only thing deadly about Stephanie is her cooking. She's nurturing whether she means to be or not. She's like sunshine and light and warmth and goodness. There's nothing dark or bad lurking in her heart. Steph is like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I'm like a vial of poison. I don't want to poison her."
"I don't think that's it, Ranger. I think that's just what you keep telling yourself."
I let out an exasperated sigh, but said nothing. What did he know anyway?
We sat in silence for a few minutes, but I didn't know what else to say to him. I tried explaining it the best way I knew how.
Finally, Dr. Harvey spoke again. "I think you know you would never do anything to hurt or poison Stephanie. I think you just tell yourself that. You know she could never look at you like you're dark and evil. You know she wouldn't hold anything that happens on these missions against you. You told me yourself, she thinks you're a hero. She believes all your men are heroes. You're avoiding her because you know she can help take away the pain and the guilt, but you're not ready to let go of them. You think you deserve the pain and guilt so you can't allow her to absolve your alleged sins."
I scoffed when he said alleged sins, but perhaps he was right about some of what he said. I didn't deserve to be absolved. "Maybe I just don't want her to know I failed," I said softly.
A frown creased Dr. Harvey's forehead. "Failed? What did you fail at?"
"I failed with the baby."
"You saved the baby. You gave it life."
"And then I let him down. I failed to protect him. When I looked into his eyes, I made a promise to protect him, then I let him be taken away and didn't do enough to stop it."
"You were in a shitty place under shitty circumstances. With very little medical knowledge and no medical equipment, you acted quickly and competently and saved his life. If you hadn't done what you did, he'd be dead. Jesus, Ranger, do you ever cut yourself a break?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I ... I don't know."
"Are you perfect?"
"Obviously not."
"Do you expect yourself to be perfect?"
"Maybe. Or maybe I just expect myself not to fuck up the important shit."
"How is it you can see the good in Stephanie and other people around you, but you can't see the good you've accomplished?"
"The good doesn't take away the bad," I told him.
"But the bad can obliterate the good?"
I was getting tired and didn't know how to answer his question.
There were a few more minutes of silence, then Dr. Harvey looked at his watch. "Our time is up. I'll see you Monday."
I stood up and gave him a slight nod, then headed for the door.
"Ranger," he said when I reached for the door knob. "Good session. You're doing well."
I wasn't sure how he could say that so I didn't answer. I walked out the door and headed back to RangeMan.
The next two days, I spent about two and a half hours each day in my office on the fifth floor. I didn't get a lot accomplished because I spent most of my time with the garage camera pulled up on my laptop screen so I could bolt upstairs if Stephanie showed up. Yeah, I'm not only a fuck up, I'm a pussy.
The guys have been great. They act friendly, but none of them are hovering or acting like they have to walk on egg shells around me. I really appreciate that. I'm sure Tank has a lot to do with it.
Ranger
r/s/r/s/
May 8, 2012
Dear Diary,
I don't really have anything new going on, so I'll just tell you about today's session with Dr. Harvey.
"Ranger, how are you feeling today?"
"Okay."
"Are you still having nightmares?"
"Some nights."
"Let's talk about those today."
"They're pretty much just a repeat of what happened on the mission."
"Pretty much, but some things are different?"
"Yes. In the dreams, the baby is a girl instead of a boy."
"Interesting."
"Is it?"
"Isn't it?"
"If you say so."
"Why do you think the baby in your dreams is a girl instead of a boy?"
"Why don't you tell me?"
"Because it's your dream. You know the answer."
"Are you thinking I'd rather have a daughter than a son?"
"No, I was thinking you already have a daughter."
"So?"
"So, can you think of any similarities between your daughter and the baby you delivered overseas?"
Fucking motherfucking shrinks! "Yes, I failed them both as infants. Left them both behind."
"I think you're on to something there, Ranger."
"Yes, I'm a fuck up and I know it."
"You're not a fuck up and I've told you before, statements like that are not helpful."
"Sorry."
"You should apologize to yourself, not to me."
"Right."
"Was there a part of you that felt this baby was your chance to make up for the past?"
"I don't ... Yes."
"Tell me more."
"I remember looking in his eyes and thinking this time I'd get it right. This time, I'd man up and stick around instead of running away and just sending a check every month."
"And when your team member took the baby, he took away your chance to redeem yourself?"
"I don't want to do this any more."
"Do what?"
"Therapy."
"It sucks sometimes, doesn't it?"
Understatement of the year.
"So, back to the baby. "Were you looking at it as a chance to redeem yourself?"
"Yes, I guess I was."
"Because you're still punishing yourself for not being around when Julie was a baby."
"I fucked up."
"Do you regret divorcing Rachel?"
"No."
"But you regret not being there when Julie was a baby and while she was growing up."
"Yes."
"What would you like to have happen?"
"I want a fucking do-over!"
Dr. Harvey gave a small laugh when I said that. "Yeah, we could all use one or two of those, Ranger, but you know as well as I do, there are no do-overs. The best we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. It makes no sense to continue to beat ourselves up over things we can't change."
Neither of us spoke for about five minutes. Finally, I said, "I know."
"Ranger, what do you do when one of your guys makes a mistake?"
"It depends on what it is. If one of them screwed up a take-down, we'd have a meeting to discuss what went wrong and what we could do to make sure it never happens again."
"Do you encourage them to continue to blame themselves and beat themselves up over it?"
"Of course not. That would be counterproductive."
"So are the guilt and regret you're so valiantly hanging onto, Ranger. You can't undo the past, you can only make the present what you want it to be. Don't I remember you telling me that you've been in contact with Julie more since her kidnapping."
"Yes, we keep in touch with occasional emails, but it's not enough. I need more of her. I want to get to know her better. I don't just want to know her favorite food and favorite color, I want to know everything. I want her to know me."
"What's stopping you?"
"Nothing. Nothing now. I'm going to start tomorrow."
"Good for you. I can't wait to hear more during our next session. I'll see you Wednesday. We'll talk more about Stephanie too."
"Fuck me," I said on my way out the door.
For the first time since I'd started therapy with Dr. Harvey, I didn't want to go straight back to my apartment and fall into bed. I also didn't feel like going to the office. I thought about driving around for a while, but I didn't want to cross paths with Steph. Finally, I decided to head toward Point Pleasant.
It was still early in the season so there weren't a lot of people there. The air and wind were a bit cool, but I didn't mind. I spent two hours sitting on the beach with the warm spring sunshine on my face. Tomorrow I'm going to call my daughter and really begin to get to know her. I haven't decided what yet, but I'm going to tell her three things about myself or my life, even if they're just little things. I'll make a list before I call so I don't get nervous and fuck this up.
Ranger
A/N – Thank you all very much for the tremendous feedback. I apologize for being behind in answering them. Besides my regular job, I've been diligently working hard on chapters 3, 4 and 5.
