Please note that martial arts are very hard to describe on a written work. If this was a comic, or an anime episode, it would be easier to understand, but fanfiction has no visual aid. That's good, because I have the animation skills of a lamp. Enjoy the poorly described fic!


Lithuania woke up to see that he was blindfolded. Last he recalled, Belarus had given Russia chinese food. Lithuania had ideas of what was going to happen to him. Would he be tortured? Hung? Shot? Beaten? And then he heard an italian accent.

"It seems you're finally awake-a." It was Romano, Italy's brother.

Lithuania lost all thoughts of what was going to happen to him. Never mind, he thought.

"So," Romano began, "I bet you're-a wondering why I took you here."

"Well... no, not really. It's a war."

"Grr. Fine! I guess I'll just get some information out of you! Way to-a kill the Godfather vibe, bastardo!"

"Information? On what?"

"Basic things. Military formations. Equipment and-a provisions. Battle plans."

"No!"

"I guess we're gonna do this-a, the hard way!"

"Stop! What is that! No, no, no, no, NOOO!"

China's place, at the same time

"I wonder where Belarus is-aru. She should be here by now." China was sitting in his room, watching some Peking Opera . China was skeptical of the west's new inventions, but this TV Britain gave him was very useful. As China drank some tea, Belarus burst through his door.

"China! I got it!"

"AIYAA! WTF-ARU! KNOCK FIRST!"

"Shut up and come, I have a new idea!"

China's Classroom

China sat down on a chair, while Belarus kneeled on a pillow again.

"What do you want to learn now? Fashion? Architecture? Acupun-"

"Kung Fu."

"What-aru?" China was confused. Belarus was skilled the martial arts of... well, stabbing. Belarus pulled out a DVD from her dress. It was a chinese martial arts film. Crouching Panda, Hidden Kitty, to be exact.

"This," Belarus began, "Was in Russia's DVD box. This must mean he likes martial arts."

"This is the 1940's! We didn't have DVDs yet-aru!"

"Don't question it. Now, the lessons, if you will.

China's Backyard

China was holding a pair of staves, and a pair of daos (chinese broadsword). He also had silk black pants and a white shirt, with a cat ears headband.

"I understand the uniform and the weapons, but the headband?"

"Wearings the usual Hello Kitty costume would be much to inefficient for this lesson. Now, before we do any actual training, we must meditate-aru."

"Meditate? What does this have to do with beating people up?"

"Belarus-aru. Kung fu is not just way of beating people up. You must accept the physical AND mental aspects of kung fu. Only then, you will be proficient in the martial arts.

Belarus wasn't happy, but it was China, so she would expect old man sayings from him. "*Mumbles death threats* Fine. Where do we meditate?"

China pointed up a mountain, which was very tall and menacing. Belarus wasn't happy.

"We have to climb that mountain-aru." It is isolated from earthly troubles, perfect for kung fu training."

"We need to climb this damn mountain?"

"No. I put some stepping stones and set out a path from when I taught my other students. Oh yeah, be right back-aru!" China stepped inside his house for a while, and came back with a couple of cloth bags filled with who knows what, then took a staff and tied the bags to both ends. He then gave it to Belarus.

"Carry this as you walk up the mountain. This will (somewhat) teach you discipline."

"I'm not carrying your crap, old man"

"Fine, don't get Russia's attention with awesome kung fu skills."

1 hour later, half way up the mountain

"I hate you, geezer." Belarus was wearing the martial arts uniform China gave her, along with the cat headband. She was also holding the stick China gave her, along with another staff and the 2 swords China brought. China, on the other hand, was holding nothing, and was happily skipping up the mountain, in contrast to Belarus' crawling.

"We're almost there-aru! Don't be so slow!"

"I'm slow because you gave me all of this damn crap to carry up this mountain! I should have the occult curse you for this, but I'm trying to keep my patience."

They reached the top of the mountain, where there was a small flat piece of rock for training. On there were two stone pedestals. Belarus was tired, and she dropped the weapons on the floor. She gave the stick to China, and she fell onto the floor to nap. She was sweating like France in a porno movie. China went to a stone pedestal, and opened the two bags. Belarus looked up, and rushed to choke China, who dropped what was actually a meat bun.

"You made me carry your LUNCH!?" Belarus had almost wrapped her hands around China's (woman like) neck, when China deflected them with his arms. He then tripped Belarus, only to catch her before she hit the ground.

"For as long as we are up on this mountain," China began, "I am no longer to be called teacher. You will call me Si Fu. Now, eat up. You'll need the energy."

At Romano's place

"Are you ready to-a talk yet, bastardo!?"

Romano had Lithuania tied to a bed, unable to move at all.

"Hahaha! No! Neve- hahaha!" Lithuania was having his feet tickled by Romano.

"Hmm. Tickle Torture is not-a working. It seems that I must-a move to the next level of torture."

"Thank God you stopped. Wha-what's next?"

"Tell-a me," Romano had pulled Lithuania close to his face, whispering, "Have you ever played football with an Italian before?"

Meanwhile, at China's mountain

"Now then," China took his shirt off, showing his body that was both masculine and feminine at the same time. Belarus almost drooled, but she remembered how she would marry Russia. China sat down on a pedestal. "Let's get down to business."

"TO DEFEAT THE HUNS!" America's voice rang through the mountains. America was singing from across the world. "DID THEY SEND ME DAUGHTERS, WHEN I AS-"

"SHUT UP-ARU! THIS ISN'T MULAN!"

"What's Mulan?"

"Never mind, Belarus. Now, sit down and meditate."

Belarus sat down on a pedestal, and sat with crossed legs. She tried to meditate, but quickly interrupted China.

"How does this work?"

"What-aru?"

"Meditation. How does it work?"

China looked at Belarus. He sighed, and explained.

"Meditation is when you clear all of the thoughts in the mind. Let all thoughts escape you, and let the universe's energy flow through you. Feel the life force of Chi flow through you. Feel natures energy around you. The trees, the rivers, the sky; you must feel all of these flow within." China got up and went to the tree behind him. He picked up a plum, and gave it to Belarus.

"A plum?"

"Feel the energy of this plum-aru. It seems like a simple piece of fruit, but it is a part of nature, and a part of the universe. Try to focus on it, to understand it's universal importance."

Belarus held the plum in her hands, and closed her eyes. She meditated for 10 minutes, while China finished the last of the dim sum he made Belarus carry. When Belarus opened her eyes, she had more universal knowledge about the plum. China saw Belarus' face, and smiled.

"You are ready."

Romano's Backyard

"Alright, I called my stupid-a brother to play with us. He will be goalie."

"Fratello!"

"What!?"

"Lithuania has no goalie!"

"It's not a real soccer game! We're just torturing him!"

"Umm..." Lithuania still had ropes binding his arms. "Can I take these ropes off now?"

"No! It's to assure you don't escape, or that you don't pull a hand ball!"

Romano pulled out a whistle, and blew it. The game had started, Romano kicked the ball to Lithuania's goal. It would have been a perfect shot, had it not been for Lithuania's presence on the field. Poor Lithuania got hit in his vital regions. Hard.

"AH! My balls! Sweet Barishnikov!" Lithuania was curled into a ball. He couldn't move his hands to comfort his hurt area, so his pain was immense.

"Get up! We still have 30 minutes left!"

"Fratello, shouldn't we wait until he gets better?"

"No, now let's-a play ball!"

Germany was spying on them with Japan. They were very confused.

"Werr," Japan began, "Itary's brother has gotten better at torture."

"Ja, zat's true. Remember ven he tried to torture Britain viz a tomato und a D*ctor W*o DVD?"

"Werr it worked, didn't it. Britain was in a coma for a week due to D*ctor W*O withdrawar."

Back at China's mountain (Please note that martial arts is hard to describe with no pictures)

"Now that you have meditated, we will learn some Tai Chi."

"Isn't Tai Chi just some dance that helps with your back problems?"

"Not just that. Tai Chi Chuan is good for your mental health, as well as teaching you a softer way to fight enemies. It's like India's yoga, but able to hurt people-aru."

China stood on a pedestal, and showed Belarus a basic Tai Chi moves. He was rather graceful, really, moving his arms and hands as if he was as flowing as a river, but then China asked Belarus to punch him.

"Let me demonstrate how useful Tai Chi is in a fight."

"Belarus tried to punch China, but China moved his arms in a wide circle. His hand moved Belarus' punch upwards, throwing her of balance. Belarus tried again, but China moved back, while his hands moved down to deflect Belarus' punch. Belarus tried for a few minutes, until she got tired.

"I thought that stupid dance was just for health."

"It's not dance-aru! Now, Tai Chi is perfect for you, so it takes away the homicidal tendencies in your mind. Now, stand up straight. First, we will learn "White Crane Spreads it's Wings" as the first move-aru."

Romano's kitchen

"Well, at least I'm alive," Lithuania said. "Were all of those kicks to my face necessary?"

"Sorry, but the ball was on your head, and I-a missed."

"You kicked me 13 times!"

"Well, you must suck at football-a then. Now! For your next torture, you must clean up after Italy cooks!"

"What? I don't think I can clean that much tomato sauce!" Lithuania stared at Italy with a nervous face.

"Don't-a worry!" Italy tried to make Lithuania feel better. "You can have some pasta later!" It didn't help for crap.

"Here's a cloth." Romano handed Lithuania a wet rag with holes in it. "Get cleaning, bastard!"

Lithuania sighed, and started to work on the monstrosity that was the Italian Kitchen.

China's mountain

"Very good-aru. A bit rusty, but that's expected of a first timer. You did "Repulsing Monkey" pretty good!"

Belarus felt a bit more relaxed. Bu then China picked up a staff, and handed another to Belarus.

"China," Belarus began, but China coughed. "*Sigh*, Si Fu." China nodded in content. "I don't see how we apply a stick to what we've been doing with hands for the past hour.

"Belarus, with the staff, one can channel their Chi to a much farther range-aru. After this, we will learn how to use a sword." Belarus perked up when China said sword. Finally! A real weapon with a sharp edge!

"Now-aru," China showed her how to do a basic strike. Belarus did so. Good. Now he taught her how to do a downwards strike, where the staff had to hit the ground. Belarus did so again. Good. Now China taught her how to spin the staff. Belarus did so, again, but she let go of the staff at the end. It flew off the edge of the mountain, into the river below.

"Aiyaa... I liked that staff too-aru. Well, we might as well learn how to use the sword."

Romano's basement

Lithuania was drinking vodka from a flask in his pocket. With all that tomato sauce mess, Lithuania needed something to ease the pain. He didn't get to enjoy his drink though, as Romano came downstairs with a phone.

"One-a last chance. Tell me your secrets, or else you're gonna get it."

"No! N-never! J-just don't d-do anything to me like make me c-clean that hell!"

"No. I'm-a going to be much more merciful, and call the mafia."

"What!?"

"Mussolini said he would remove the mafia from Italy*, but the mafia is still alive and well-a. Good thing too. They have ways of making you-a talk."

Romano dialed numbers into his phone, and talked into the phone.

"Yes? Hello? Is this the boss? No? Well, vaffunculo! And get me the Boss!"

Lithuania was nervous. The tomato hell was enough, but the mafia? Well, it couldn't be worse than Russia's mafia.

China's mountain, at the same time this was happening

"This is called a dao. Dao actually means knife, so maybe you have some proficiency in this sword already."

"This is called a knife?" Belarus held a medium sized sword, with a curved handle and blade, and with the blade being wide tipped and weighted at the front. Belarus delighted at the sight of such a great murder weapon.

"Now, the dao is the perfect beginner weapon. In my old armies, an infantryman could learn how to use this in 10 days." China showed Belarus some stances and chops. Belarus was able to block all of China's attacks as they sparred. When they took a break, Latvia and Estonia rushed up the mountain.

"Ms. Belarus!" Latvia was sobbing, "Lithuania was taken by the Italians!"

Estonia spoke up. "Russia said that we have to get him back."

"Belarus-aru!" China turned to Belarus. "This could be a chance to impress Russia!"

"That's right!" Belarus took the sword and dragged the two remaining (and screaming) Baltics down the mountain.

Romano's basement

"Fratello!"

"What!?"

"Three hairy men in suits are at the door! They have baseball bats!"

"Thats-a them! Let them in!"

Three men walked into Romano's basement. They did, in fact, have baseball bats, and one had a gun.

"Alright. Mario, you know what to-a do." Romano left the basement, leaving Lithuania with the three mafia men.

"D-don't hurt me!" Lithuania was still tied up in ropes, but he could still run around. Which he did. Very quickly.

"Come back-a here!" The men almost got hold of Lithuania until they heard a woman speak.

"Let him go." Belarus was holding one of China's swords to one of the men's back. That same man pulled the mistake of turning around to hit Belarus with a bat. Belarus, remembering how China moved backwards to deflect attacks, moved backwards while moving the sword to the bat. She flung the bat away, and kicked the man in the face

Another man tried to grab her neck, but she only tripped him with a low kick. The one with the gun aimed his gun at Belarus, but Lithuania knocked into the man, so he shot Romano's box of suits. With him distracted, Belarus punched the man in the face.

"Oh, thank you Belarus!" Lithuania tried to hug her, but his hands were tied, so that wasn't happening.

"I only saved you so that Russia would be impressed. Don't think of it as anything else."

"Speaking of the devil..." Lithuania and Belarus turned to the door, where the voice came from.

"That was very good fight, Da?" Russia was smiling, as he walked towards Belarus and Lithuania. He was also holding a crying Romano. He put his hand on Lithuania's shoulder.

"It is good to have you back. It was very quiet without Belarus already, so I was worrying what happened to you too."

"Ah, th-thank you M-Mr. Russia!" Lithuania was nervous that Russia would squish him. But then Russia turned to Belarus.

"Where did you learn how to fight like that?"

"Well, China taught me. Just like in your movies."

"My movies?"

"Yeah, the kung fu one. You know, with Br*ce L*e, and J*ckie C*an."

"Oh, you mean "Crouching Panda, Hidden Kitty?" I was just holding on to that for America. He's the one that likes movies like that."

"So... you don't like martial arts movies?"

"I don't mind them, but I prefer horror, Da?" At that statement, Belarus was steaming, and she was about to punch someone. Probably Lithuania. But then Russia spoke again.

"Thank you for rescuing Lithuania. You did good, Da?"

Belarus found some solace in that thanks, and then she left to go see China again.

"Can you-a put me down now!?" yelled Romano. Russia declined, and went home with Romano and the Baltics.

China's house

China was watching some Peking Opera on his TV, when Belarus burst through the door again.

"AIYAA! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KNOCKING!?"

"Russia wasn't as impressed as I thought he would be. He apparently doesn't like kung fu that much!"

"Well that's not my fault now, is it-aru!?"

Belarus dragged China down the hall, into the classroom.

"Well, I do know something about chinese culture that Russia likes."

"What is that-aru?"

"Chinese fashion. You have over 4000 years of fashion. Teach me how to wear your clothing!"

"Aiyaa, this is getting creepy."

Lithuania was spying on them from the window, with the same leaf China and Belarus used to spy on Russia last time.

"I don't think that suggesting this idea to Belarus was a good plan..."

Just then, Lithuania was grabbed and dragged to the west. "Augh! Stop that! Who are you!"

"Shut up! We're going shopping!" said a happy polish man grabbing Lithuania.

"Now, Poland?" Lithuania was close to crying. This didn't help the stress that Belarus was putting on him.


*Benito Mussolini, the leader of Italy during WWII, said that he would remove the mafia in 1925.