Do you ever think of me?
A soft laugher filled the icy air around them, like the sound of ringing bells, the laugher of a child. A small child, a small kid, not older than four years by his appearance but a nation like the both of them. First Emil had been fearful, he had been hiding from them in the heart of the volcanos, between the hot water springs, behind rocky mountains and with a scared look in his big, sparkling lavender eyes. His fear had been nearly visible to the young vikings but they had searched for him with soft words on their lips. So very soft and warm words in the eldest of their tongues in the hope that the hiding nation would understand them.
At the first gaze the small icelandic nation simply looked like Lukas in the moment Mathias had found him. He loved to remember that moment – it had been centuries since this day, so many centuries and Lukas had turned out beautiful and strong and that was why Mathias was sure that Emil also had the strenght to become like the Norwegian who looked like an elder brother to the child. The Dane always wore a smile on his lips although those changing times let him suffer more and more often. His heart ached and he did not know why. He searched for the warmth of the younger one but nearly never did he received anything from him.
But he had hope. He always held hope in his heart, in his strong and joyful heart. The Dane was a warm person, he was kind and friendly and optimistic.
He was loud and annoying and could be a nag. Or at least that was what Lukas thought.
Though he too was glad that he had been found by him when they were as little as Emil now was. In Emil's eyes he had seen what he had forgotten through the years. There had been tears, but not the tears of fear nor the tears of anger or sadness but the tears of loneliness. Emil had been lonely, a child without anyone, a nation without population. All he had got were his mountains, cliffs and a few animals. Others than that he was all on his own. A lost child.
Just like Lukas had been. Lukas had been all on his own, lost in the forest, lost in the mountains.
Their had been an early norwegian population but they tend to hate the child in the woods, a creature that the fairies had risen up, an immortal being. He had literally felt their hate on his skin. And in his eyes had been tears just like in Emil's eyes. They were connected, since the very first look, Lukas had it in his blood. In his heart had a wish been awoken, the wish to become the Icelander's family. To help him to grow up. To be his shild and sword. He would not let him get hurt by anyone.
Mathias had felt the same wish towards Lukas once and the deep caring he held for the younger viking had become more than that, a wonderful feeling that could also hurt his heart so so much. Because now, their bond had changed, they had become older and it wasn't the same. They weren't the same. His heart craved to get the warmth he had once sawn in Lukas' eyes. Their had been a time when they had cuddled for warmth. But since then decades had passed and nothing was the same anymore. He loved him. Yet he did not know a thing about this kind of love. With Lukas it was the same. To him there was only their quiet, strong bond like those between brothers and not the thin and burning bond of lovers. He did not know a thing. And the warmth of his fingers had nearly faded away between all those fights they had been into. All the blood and death he had seen – it touched his heart in his weakest moments. He had lost his believed in warmth until he had seen this child. A child that needed nothing more than love and a caring hand, a sweet voice to hum him a lullaby, an arm that could held him. And he, he would give it to him.
In the moment, in this very moment in which Lukas swore to himself that he would protect and shield, raise and instruct and love him, his eyes had gleamed like nearly never before. Something inside him, a feeling, an ability that had been sleeping, that had been hiding since just such a very long time, had been brought back to life. And suddenly Emil had felt secure, suddenly his fears had faded away, bit by bit and he had looked up to the both of them, in the bright smiling face of Mathias, in the soft and calm expression of Lukas and the tears had subside from his dark eyes. His short and slightly thick arms had reached out for them and Lukas had bend down to take the light weighted child in a warming embrace. There wasn't much time until the boy fell asleep – Mathias had been unusually quiet while watching the both of them. His heart was so so warm – they were his family after all. Berwald was also his family but he wasn't there. The Swede was a part of them and he held a part of the Dane's heart no matter the differences between them. He was his brother and his brother in arms. Without him the fights weren't the same. But with Lukas it was something else. He could not describe it but it made him happy and sad at the same time as he looked at the boy that sat there at the large smooth stone with the small child in his arms, his head tilted in his neck and his gaze melted with the stars above them. Mathias supressed a sigh and smiled instead. It was something he nearly always did. If he could choose wheter to be glad or gloomy because of a situation he always chose to be happy. To smile. He had learned that it could lighten the moods of the other two up, he had learned that it was better to smile than to sigh. He was going to be strong. Always, always he had felt the urge to protect his younger siblings. To held them close. To shield them. He had the same feelings for them as Lukas had for Emil. And maybe, he thought, maybe Lukas felt the same about him and Berwald too. After all the Norwegian was the strongest of them. But like times, nations could also change and whenever Lukas would need to be protected, no matter in which situation, no matter in which way. Mathias would be there. He would not let anyone touch him. Not at all.
In those days he still mistaked his love as admiration. The warmth could be because he adored the Norwegian, right? That was also the reason why he searched for his attention and his closeness. He craved to be together with him. In another way. A way he did not known. Not at all. But he would get to know it well enough. For now he did just sat beside him – Lukas slept so he could not say a thing and lately he did not even insult him when he woke up next to him or in his arms. His tired blue eyes fell on the little boy that was cuddeled at Lukas' chest and he couldn't help but to smile as a mixture of sadness, hope and compassion – yes, he wanted Emil to be happy. The others should become happy, they deserved it and he would give his best. He always did, on the more or less right way. Maybe he should think more what was the best for him – he had a spark of egoism in himself too but it wasn't big. The fear of being left alone had always been a part of him. In contrast to Lukas and Berwald he did not like the silence, he did not like to be alone, he wanted, no, he needed their companionship. They were his family.
Right now all of them did not know that their were many, many more of them, many more creatures the humans called 'nations', right now the only uncountable things were the stars on the night sky. Mathias adored the night sky and how it reflected itself in the deep ocean. From their sleeping place he could see their ship lying in the firth, he could see the canvans flap in the cold wind and all the stars. They were such alike to Lukas' eyes. Somehow...He blinked a couple of times and shook his head to erase this image from his mind but he could not. He simply could not. Emil shivered slightly – he just wore a small dresslike shirt and a shepskin around his shoulders. It was the small cough that awoke the Dane from his day dreams at night and with another pityful look in his eyes he shifted closer and put the blanket over himself and the child, reaching to hold the small shivering hand of the Icelandic. Finally a little sigh passed his pale lips. „I'll be there for ya. Both of ya.", he whispered with a warm and quiet voice. „Kærlighed..."
You're so considerate
Lukas had changed since the day he had found Emil. No, they had found Emil, the both of them. And the Norwegian clearly did not mind that Mathias tried to be a role model for the child – though he clearly had not the capabilities in some spaces. But it made him smile to see how the elder one played with the youngster until he was tired and for once Mathias was silent without being half asleep when Lukas' told about the old norse gods and their adventures in Asgard and Midgard. He could not help it. It felt like family to him. But there was this dark thought in the lowest back of his mind because he remembered those words of Berwald as he left. They would not be the same if they were about to meet again. Things would have changed. And things had changed. He had not realised it but he had begun to become softer. He could have guessed it – the child was the first thing to break the wall that had slowly formed around his heart through the wars they had fought. And now he was getting weaker without seeing it at all. And with Emil he had one more person to protect. There was not much place to thing about Berwald and those feelings he somehow held for him. Feelings he could not describe and feelings that worried him. But over all those worries laid a vail of happiness and it was far too thick to let him see the worse changes. Far too thick to let him see how hurt Mathias was on the inside. Sure it wasn't a play or a trick, he smiled and laughed also because he felt like he was needed and like he could make Emil happy but most of all it was just a facade. It hurt, it hurt to share this warmth. To know in the depths of his heart that the warmth wasn't meant for Mathias at all. But he did not show it. Why should he? After all he was a viking. And he would become the strongest, he was sure of it. The times would make him stronger, it was something that destiny had decided. And destiny could be cruel. It had been cruel as it had bound his heart on Lukas' forever because how hard he tried he just could not find the special sparkle in the deep orbs of the Norwegian. What was love anyways? The need to touch somebody? The urge to feel safe in the other's arms, to feel needed, to let him know everything about him? He did not know. There was only just one thing Mathias became more and more aware of. The fact that unrequiered love hurt. And it hurt more and more every day. Emil was a good distration, with his questioning big eyes and the expression that could change from excited to admiring to scared in one second. His chuckle was a light in the dark as well as the shine of Lukas' eyes whenever he watched Mathias and his little brother. It was simply beautiful, he was not able to help himself, it was just beautiful and he could not stop staring at him until Lukas would regognise it and give him either a sharp look or a slight slap on the head. Why wouldn't the Norwegian see it? Why couldn't he simply be more warm to him? To be honest he was warmer and softer than before. Mathias wondered if Lukas would become weak one day. He could not really imagine this at all but...Maybe he would. Like Skandinavia had? All great nations fell, right? But Lukas wasn't like them. And he did not want to lose him. No, he would not lose him. Not like that and not on any other way. Not now nor ever. This was a promise he had made to himself. Lukas would stay by his side.
The dawn of their time on the island of Iceland came far too soon – the winter was falling once more and it had been years now, nearly a decade that the three of them had lived together on those green grass, between black volcanous and soft white sheeps, by spending their time telling stories on the bonfire, sailing around the whole island, climbing on mountains, braid crowns of the innocent white flowers that grew on the kraters and sleeping in eachothers arms when it got colder. It had been a time of harmony but also a time of deep thoughts and a time to forget. Though those years were just a short period for nations, memories had changed and had begun to fade away. Berwald had been right. Their time apart meant something for them. In a few moments, Lukas had missed him. Missed him on such a strange way. He had been happy but his heart had ached like he had never imagine it. It was the same pain Mathias felt sometimes when Lukas pushed him away. It was the pain of love. An unrequiered love. To love someone who was far away was bad but not as worse as to love a person around you. It was difficult, so difficult to the teenagers. They weren't children anymore, they weren't as pure as the Icelander, no, not anymore. And though his heart had missed Berwald, the Swede had faded from his memories bit by bit. How did his voice sound? How did it come that he did not really remember the shine of his eyes? The thick accent when he spoke? Everything he could think about were Mathias and Emil. They were family. But Berwald was a part of this too. He belonged to them. Right? Sadly he was not really so sure about this anymore. It was this thought that let the pain grow more in his heart and he tried to reassure himself with warmer thoughts. Lately he would come closer to Mathias – the Dane was annoying as ever but somehow he had become even more caring, but on a different way. It didn't anger him anymore when he pulled him into his arms after they were both half asleep. At least it did not anger him as much as it had back then. So troublesome, they were just so troublesome. And Emil did not know a thing. For him the both vikings were brothers, they were a kind of parents that he never had, caring and loving persons. Because he trusted them, because he searched for their love and their appreciation, because he also needed them, he had agreed on the plan to come with them. The child was facinated by the older boys, especially by Lukas and his wonderful stories. Since his very early days he had believed in fairies and trolls and the spirit of the springs, of the trees, the grass, the volcanos, the mountains...but he never had had anyone to share those believes with. The Norwegian had so much to tell and he, also, was just one miracle to the icelandic boy. Mathias on the contrary was a bright and candid person and Emil loved his smile and his voice and his laugher although he could get far too loud. And Emil believed that there was the warmth of lovers between those two, maybe because he was too innocent and too naive, too small to see the tricked, the tortuous ways that the destiny had chosen for them. For him what they had was love, a unordinary way of love but a love that could never be broken by anyone.
And he would surely be not all wrong. No, not at all. Love could change a lot of things, it could erase and manipulate memories, it could push and pull, it could let you fly to the sky and fall into desperation.
But to Emil it was just like a warm blanket, a blanket he could only find in their arms whenever he snuggled between them, just like on that evening were their boat finally set it's sails and shifted into the darkness of the scandinavian night.
