A/N: While I am only focusing on Chain of Memories: The Nintendo Version, any co-written projects will still get updated; this included.
Chapter II: Captain Crappy Games Meets Ninjetta
The Nerd had just finished watching the lackluster opening cinematic for the Ninjetta game. Currently, he was in control of his character, and he could not help but criticize the game right off the bat.
"Okay, that cutscene sucked," the Nerd said, stating the obvious. "The character models are polygon-like. They look worse than the models in Final Fantasy VII! Also, look at Ninjetta; it doesn't even look like her!"
Indeed, Ninjetta was wearing a black stereotypical ninja outfit that did not have any special decoration. In fact, due to the poor graphics, she did not even look like a ninja at all.
"Ninjetta did not wear some stereotypical SWAT team outfit," the Nerd complained with a scowling look. "Oh, and you wanna know what else is bullshit? I can't even tell it's her at all! Doesn't she have two little round balls..erm..I mean buns in her hair? 'Cause clearly I can't see any. Eh, fuck it; let's just start playing."
Taking his eyes off of Ninjetta, he examined the area for a moment, taking in the details. The Nerd started to become confused by his surroundings. From the looks of things, he was just thrown right into the game without any indication on where the old lady was located.
"Okay, the first problem I'm having is where the hell am I suppose to go?" the Nerd asked rhetorically. "In most traditional 3D games you usually get an objective -- which I'm assuming is saving the lady from the muggers; but the problem is you usually get a hint as to where you need to go. From the looks of things though, it looks like I have to fend for myself. At least they could've given you a map of the area or somethin', ya fuckers."
He tried to move the joystick forward to see if Ninjetta would move in that direction. Sadly, it took about .10 of a second for her to respond to the joysticks movement. The Nerd could not help but rub his hand across his forehead in discontent
"Oh, great," the Nerd sighed. "The control is delayed. It feels really awkward moving her like this. Naturally when you give a basic command you'd EXPECT the response to be immediate, like when someone kicks you in the nuts, your body immediately response to it with pain. So why was it so difficult for them to make the response time to the controls immediate?"
Suddenly, the Nerd heard the faint sound of the woman's shrill for help coming from the right. He could only wince at how annoying the voice sounded.
"Jesus!" the Nerd hissed in irritation. "What an annoying voice! Alright, alright! I'm coming to rescue your ass, you whiny fuckin' bitch! I guess I have to follow the sound of her voice, sorta like in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time when you have to follow the tune of Sara's Song to navigate through the Lost Woods."
The Nerd proceeded to turn Ninjetta towards the direction of the sound, which came from the right. Seeing that there was nothing but air in front of him, he assumed that he needed to jump off the building -- which he did seconds later. When he did make her jump off, Ninjetta instantly dropped faster than a boulder falling towards the ground. The Nerd jumped out of his seat in surprise upon seeing that.
"What the hell!?" the Nerd exclaimed. "Did you see that!? It took her one second to fall down a thirty story building!? How unrealistic can you get? And, also, while she fell, her walking animation kept going. It should be a falling animation; or is this how she falls with style? Wow. They really put a lot of thought into the character animation, y'know? Well, at least I'm on the ground."
The Nerd moved Ninjetta northwest of the city, following the sounds of the woman's voice. For a few moments, the Nerd did not seem to be encountering any enemies, or people for that matter. Suddenly, a polygon shaped rabbit hopped out from the corner of the area and leaped onto Ninjetta. A blank expression appeared on the Nerd's face as he watched the rabbit bite down on Ninjetta's neck.
"Oh, my, god!" the Nerd cried. "It's a killer bunny out to get me! But why is it even a bunny in the first place? Since when did Ninjetta go around getting into scuffles with bunnies? This is completely out of context! Have you ever heard of a video game where a rabbit comes out of nowhere to kick your ass? This is the most random thing I've ever seen in a video game...period!"
The Nerd saw a picture of the Wii remote appearing on the left corner of the screen as Ninjetta fought the rabbit. He noticed two blue arrows on the side of it; one pointing left and one pointing right. This was signifying that the Nerd had to shake the Wii remote. For some reason, he had a strong hunch that this gimmick was a blatant rip-off of Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition. As he scanned the screen, he noticed a picture of Ninjetta's face on the top right of the screen. Next to her face was a green bar, depleting at an alarming rate.
"Shitly Wings!" the Nerd cried in fear as he shook the Wiimote. He continued to shake the Wiimote, but to his surprise, he found it had little effect. "Come on! Get offa me, you stupid bunny bitch!"
The Nerd continued to shake the Wii Remote with all of his might, in hopes that he might be able to shoo the rabbit off of him. Already, he could feel the muscles in his wrist start to strain from shaking it so much. Suddenly, the Nerd released his grip from the remote, and both the remote and nunchuck flew out of his hands. The Nintendo controller and add-on flew right out of the window, breaking the glass in the process. The Nerd heard the sounds of a man screaming in pain moments later.
"Ow!" the man cried.
The Nerd winced upon realizing a man crossed paths with his controller. He soon realized that when he started playing, he forgot to attach the strap of the Wii Remote to his wrist, hence why it flew out of his hands so easily.
"Ooh, damn it!" the Nerd said to himself in frustration. "I always forget about that shitty strap!" He glanced out the window with a worried expression, knowing that he accidentally hit someone with the controller. "I hope I don't get sued for that."
Letting out a heavy sigh, the Nerd stood up and walked over to a drawer that was to the left of the entertainment system. On the drawer, he noticed a sticky note that was labeled, "Spare Wii Remote and Nunchuck in case you forget to wear the strap, you dumb shit!" The Nerd opened the drawer, and sure enough, there was an extra pair in there. The Nerd picked up the spare and sat back down in his seat. As he sat down, he could see Ninjetta was back at the beginning of the stage. He turned to the readers as he held the Wii remote up.
"One piece of advise about the Wii Remote, folks," the Nerd said, advising the readers. "Don't ever play a game without wearing the fucking strap! This fucker could one day bring down a whole orphanage! Anyway, why was it so difficult to shake the Wii Remote? It shouldn't be this hard for the motion sensitivity to work! Your wrist, let alone your entire arm will become pretty damn tired from waving that thing around like an asshole. The motion sensory is broken beyond all belief! Well, let's give it another go."
Thus, the Nerd began the level again. He started by "falling" off the building, and then he followed the old lady's voice. As he got closer to it, the rabbit appeared again and attacked Ninjetta.
"Not again!" the Nerd exclaimed. He shook the Wii Remote again. "Work you stupid white dildo!"
The Nerd continued shaking the Wii remote until Ninjetta finally got the rabbit off of her. As she let go of it, the rabbit went right through her chest, came out of her buttock area and landed on the ground. The Nerd just glared in disbelief.
"Okkaayy..." the Nerd said with a stumped looked. "Tell me I did not just see that. She got the rabbit off, but it went right THROUGH her! What a horrible glitch! Gee, I didn't know Ninjetta could perform magic tricks with a rabbit."
He imitated Bullwinkle the Moose, "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass."
The Nerd was completely bewildered; it was already the first five minutes of the game and already it had "shit" written all over it. This game made Superman 64 look like Super Mario 64 in comparison.
"Wow. What. A. Piece. Of. Shit," the Nerd said, putting emphasis on each word. He resumed his normal speech. "This really is a bad game, and this is just the first level! But hey, I shouldn't jump the gun just yet. Perhaps it will get better down the road. Let's find out."
The Nerd continued to move Ninjetta through the city until he arrived at an alleyway. Upon arrival, he could hear the woman's annoying voice call for help again. The Nerd could only grimace at the mind-numbing sound being emitted from the alleyway.
"Aw, man," the Nerd groaned. "Shut up! That scream is so annoying! I must give kudos to the voice actor who voiced this innocent woman. It's top notch -- more like top shit in your pants! It's so painful to listen to! I feel like at any moment my brain is gonna melt from this scream that sounds worse than nails on a fucking chalkboard."
As his character approached the alleyway, noticed there was a green garbage dumpster, serving as a blockade.
"Alright, so I'm here in the ally where the woman is, but why the bitch is there a garbage dumpster blocking my way?" the Nerd asked. "That doesn't make sense at all! People can't just appear behind it, can they? Did they climb over it? Looks pretty impossible since it's huge. Guess I have to jump."
The Nerd pressed the "A button" on the controller. Unexpectedly, instead of jumping, it caused a blue compass to appear on the upper left corner of the screen.
"W-what's going on?" the Nerd said with a confused stutter "I didn't want a compass. I wanna jump over the building! At least a compass is helpful to get around the vicinity, but I still can't figure out how to jump!"
The Nerd tried the "B button" on the back of the Wii Remote, which caused Ninjetta to shoot a ninja star out. At least you have some form of offense, he thought. But, still no dice. He pressed every single button, including exhausting every single button combination. Still no luck! At last, he gave up. He was on the verge of killing himself at this point. He slowly turned towards the readers; his face looked like it was about to pop like a cork.
"Okay, I have one question," the Nerd spoke up calmly. He lifted his middle finger into the air as he said, "One...fucking...question."
He brought his hand back down and continued.
"This is a game that requires you to jump over obstacles, right? So why is...THERE NO FUCKING JUMP BUTTON!? I'm dead fucking serious! I tried every damn button on here, and not one of them allows me to jump. Jumping is the only possible way to get over this thing. I mean, look! I can't go around it or underneath it! The dumpster is practically taking up the whole fucking space! I don't know what to do!"
As the Nerd raised the Wii Remote accidentally, he saw Ninjetta finally jump into the air and grab onto the dumpster. The Nerd felt his jaw drop as he noticed this.
"Are you KIDDING me!?" the Nerd shouted at the top of his lungs. "I have to tilt the Wiimote UP to jump!? That's just plain bullshit! Usually the jump button in a Nintendo game is A. For example: in Super Mario Galaxy all you do is press the A button and you can jump. Easy, right? But no...not with this game. You have to tilt the Wiimote up! Tilting this bastard up can be such a nuisance because sometimes you may unintentionally move the Wiimote upward, like if you're trying to adjust it into comfortable position on your hand. With that in mind, you could make a mistake while you're tilting it up! This is stupid! I'd rather clean a Walrus' butthole with a q-tip than put up with these controls."
The Nerd titled the Wii remote up again, allowing Ninjetta to pull herself up. Then, he moved Ninjetta into the alleyway. The scene faded to black, and a cutscene ensued. The cutscene showed two big men cornering a poor defenseless woman. The two men slowly made their way towards the woman like two wolves stalking their pray. All hope seemed lost for the woman, when suddenly, Ninjetta made her entrance by flipping over the two thugs, and landing in front of them.
"Not so fast!" Ninjetta cried heroically with a dorky and irritating voice. "You leave that lady alone! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"
The Nerd could not bear to hear Ninjetta's voice. It sounded so obnoxious and corny.
"Boy, another academy award winning performance." the Nerd said sarcastically.
The scene faded to black afterwards, and after a few seconds of waiting, the screen faded in. It showed the camera behind Ninjetta as she faced off with the two criminals. Two red bars appeared on the bottom left on the screen. This must have indicated the boss' health.
"Alright, now it's time to kick some ass," the Nerd said with enthusiasm. "Time to serve up some justice! Eat ninja stars, ya fat fucks!"
The Nerd fired ninja stars at the enemy on the left. When he did, he was surprised to see that the stars curved right, and they just narrowly missed the enemy.
"Oh, you gotta love this," the Nerd said in amazement. "Ninja stars that are thrown straight ahead but curve. This makes it harder to hit someone. Now I have to set up my shots more carefully so that the stars can precisely hit the designated target, and that's always a real shit sucker to do."
The Nerd continued spamming the Ninja stars while he carefully planned out each shot. Unfortunately, he ran out of ninja stars exceedingly fast. Now he was stuck using his fists.
"Oh, no! Don't tell me I'm out of ninja stars already?" the Nerd moaned in annoyance. "Never mind! From what I know, to punch you need to move both the Wiimote and Nunchuck forward, much like the boxing game in Wii Sports. It shouldn't be too hard to pull off. Come here so I can knock your fucking skulls out like Rocky does!"
He moved Ninjetta towards the first man and thrust the Wiimote forward. Thankfully, Ninjetta responded instantly to the command, but not entirely in the way he was expecting it to. She did throw a punch at him, but it was with her left hand. What was the problem with that? Well, the Wiimote was in the Nerd's right hand when he did it.
The Nerd thought he lost his mind just now. Did that really just happen? It must have been some terrible dream that he could not escape from, no matter how hard he tried to run from it.
"Oh...my...god!" the Nerd said, now to the point of losing his mind. "I can't believe this! No...fucking...way! I have to punch left to punch right and punch right to punch left!? Hasn't this game broken enough logic already!? That's like if you're taking a piss through your ass while you take a crap through your dick! That's fucking ridiculous! This is going to take a while to get used to -- especially since I have to go against common sense."
He then muttered under his breath, "What a shitload of fuck."
At this point, the Nerd had enough. Just from playing through this level he could tell it truly was abysmal. Nether the less, he decided to press on, because after all, it was his job to review this game thoroughly, so that he could dispose of it afterwards.
"Well, better try to beat these bosses." the Nerd sighed.
The Nerd continuously threw punches while trying to get used to punching with the opposite hand.
"This is so uncomfortable!" the Nerd complained. "At times I find myself punching with the wrong arm! But you wanna know what's funny? I'm ACTUALLY winning the battle! No joke! How am I winning this easily? It's because the AI is as stupid as a walnut."
What the Nerd said was true! While both bosses were moving around the room with their fists up, they did not even try to attack Ninjetta. The Nerd continued his assault on the first boss until he depleted his life bar completely. The defeated thug fell onto his back and disappeared. The Nerd then focused on the second thug and easily disposed of him too.
"I can't believe this," the Nerd said astonishment. "Even with the fucked up controls I still beat them with little effort. They didn't even try to fight back at all. No punch, no kick, no nothing. I'd like a little challenge at least.
A cutscene occurred from winning the battle, which showed Ninjetta helping the woman onto her feet.
"Are you okay, ma'am?" Ninjetta asked the woman in concern.
The Nerd cringed back at the awful voice he was hearing. This was clearly not Ninjetta's voice, because he had heard her voice before when she was interviewed on television.
"Oh, god, this voice is awful!" the Nerd groaned.
He pressed the mute button on his regular remote to avoid listening any further.
He turned to the readers, "Words alone cannot describe how dreadful the voice acting for Ninjetta is. She sounds like she's getting run over by a steamroller. I'd rather listen to Vector the Crocodile from Shadow the Hedgehog say, 'get to the computer room' repeatedly than listen to this ear ache of a voice. She sounds way better than this, because I've heard her voice before on TV! In fact, why didn't they just ask her to voice herself in the game? Well, let me answer my own question; she'd probably want nothing to do with this tub of dog piss if she actually saw it."
He let out a huge sigh; he was in need of a break from playing this game. He thought his mind was about to slip into the world of insanity.
"Man, I need a beer. Anymore of this shit and I think I'm going to be like Ash from Evil Dead 2 and cut my fucking hand off!" the Nerd announced.
As the Nerd went to take a break, he was completely oblivious to the fact that he was not alone. Something, or rather, someone had just made its way to the top of the Nerd's roof. A shadowy figure could be seen standing on his roof, looking over the entire area like a hawk. The mysterious figure appeared to be female, based on the way her body was structured. It was unknown as to why this strange person was on the roof, but if you were to look into her eyes, you could see a flame of rage ignite within them.
The stranger had been listening to the sounds of the Nerd's insidious tongue, as he ranted on about the Ninjetta game. Clearly, the stranger was disgusted by what the Nerd said. Why she was disgusted was anyone's guess, but one thing was certain: she wanted to find out why he spoke these offensive words.
She slowly crawled off the edge of the roof. Her movements were like a turtle but deadly like a snake as she came towards the edge of it. Suddenly, she did something unexpected; she grabbed onto the wall! She was almost like Spider-Man, infiltrating the lair of one of his arch-enemies. She continues to crawl down the side of the wall until she came to an opened window. The enigmatic person glared into the window to see the Nerd taking a sip of his Rolling Rock. When he finished, he resumed his rant on the voice acting. The figure remained silent and emotionless as she listened to every word the Nerd said.
"I will give them some credit," the Nerd said. "At least they had the courtesy to put in subtitles so we wouldn't have to endure Ninjetta's annoying and awful voice."
The figure's eyes widened; she was stunned upon hearing what the Nerd said about Ninjetta's voice. Her eyes suddenly changed from shocked to resentful in an instant. The flames in her eyes turned into an inferno tower of death that was worse than the bowels of hell itself. She was so fed up with hearing him say these things that she spoke up, forgetting to realize that she was trying to remain silent.
"Awful voice?" the person mumbled.
Suddenly, her mind snapped back into reality upon realizing she said that out loud. Her greatest fear came to fruition; the Nerd heard her! The Nerd shook his head in surprise upon hearing someone speak up from the right side of him.
"What the fuck was that?" the Nerd said with a gasp.
The Nerd jerked his head towards the direction of his window. The figure took notice of this and brought her head up, just as the Nerd came to face the window. Nobody was there, he thought to himself. However, just because he did not see anyone, it did not mean he was going to take it easy yet. A look of suspicion appeared on his face; he had a feeling that he was not alone. The Nerd turned his head away and resumed playing the game. Moments later, the Nerd felt his spine shiver; he had a feeling that someone was stalking him. He turned back to the window again, only to see the tree that stood right in front of his house.
At this point, he knew that he was not going to take a chance, considering he had dealt with odd and intimating strangers before.
The Nerd got up and walked over to his window. He stuck his head out and glanced around at the area. Everything appeared to be normal. He could see people on the streets going about their daily lives; he saw one guy getting taken away on a stretcher, because he fell off his bike when he got hit in the head by a strange white remote with a funny attachment. The Nerd gulped upon seeing that; he hoped they did not find him out. Returning back to the matter at hand, the Nerd continued to scan the area. Nothing out of the ordinary could be seen. Shrugging his shoulders, he slowly retracted his head into the window.
The figure, who had been hanging right above the Nerd's window, waited patiently for him to close it. Normally when one would feel stalked, you would expect them to close the window. To her surprise though, the window was still opened. Seconds later, she heard the sound of the game becoming un-paused. It became evident that the Nerd resumed playing his game. She peeked her head back in…only to come face to face with a young man with an enraged look on his face.
"Holy shiticles!" the Nerd exclaimed as he glared evilly at the person. "My crappy-senses detect a fuckin' bitch stalking me!"
Before the figure had a chance to react, she could feel the Nerd's hands grab a hold of her shoulders and pull her into his room. He quickly threw her onto the hard wooden ground of his video game room. The figure felt her spine tremble as it impacted the hard floor. The figure lightly grunted because of that. The Nerd hastily got out his zapper gun, and pointed it directly at the figure. The mysterious figure shook her head from the slight pain she just experienced, and veered her eyes towards the gun. She instantly raised an eyebrow upon seeing some nerd threatening her with a toy gun.
"Don't move!" the Nerd shouted at her defensively. "I gotta zapper, and I do know how to use it. One move and I'll blast your genitalia so far that it will fuck one guy from every single continent before it gets back here!"
The figure, who was depicted in a ninja outfit, thought that this was some joke. He was threatening her with a toy gun? Was this guy for real?
Before the Nerd spoke again, he took a closer look at who he pulled into the house. Almost instantly, he dropped his zapper onto the floor in surprise, because he recognized her. The lady he pulled inside and threatened was in fact the very star of the game he was playing. It was none other than Ninjetta herself!
"Holy fucking shit on a rump roast!!" the Nerd blared out in shock. "It's Ninjetta!"
There was only one thing he could say in responses to this sudden revelation.
"Aw, man. I'm sorry," the Nerd apologized sincerely. "I didn't know it was you."
Ninjetta slowly got to her feet, and shook her head, "Yeah. How about next time you clean the poop off your glasses before you make that assumption, pointdexter."
Before the Nerd could response, Ninjetta placed her hands on her hips and looked over the Nerd's attire. The Nerd started to feel uncomfortable as he watched Ninjetta look over him strangely.
"What are you looking at?" the Nerd asked curiously. "Are you looking at the piss stain that's on my pants from you scaring the hell out of me?"
"No," Ninjetta replied with a shake of her head. "It's just….what's with the Superhero getup?" She scoffed, "Who are you supposed to be? A dorky version of Captain S?"
The Nerd sniffed in offense upon hearing her compare him to the hero of the Sega Universe, Captain S. Once, the Nerd had to reluctantly help Captain S save Christmas when he was sucked into the television by Captain S's arch-nemesis, Nigel Edmund Silverman. He resented Ninjetta's remark about how, he, Captain Crappy Games, was being compared to some short superhero who jerked off to Sonic the Hedgehog and other titles made by Sega.
"Hey, I ain't that short shithead who probably thinks the Sega CD is the holey fucking grail of all gamming consoles," the Nerd replied with a frown. He pointed to himself. "I'm Captain Crappy Games! Or, you can refer to me as the Nerd."
Ninjetta raised her eyebrow again; she had seen a lot of superheroes in her time, but none as strange as this one.
"You're kidding, right?" Ninjetta said as a scoff slowly escaped her mouth. "You're a superhero that plays video games? What kind of good does that do for the world?"
"Hey, I'll ask the questions around here," the Nerd snapped as he strayed away from Ninjetta's question. There were more important things to worry about. "Forget about me. What I'd like to know is why in the name of Bender's shiny metal ass are you in my house?"
Ninjetta crossed her arms 1indignantly, "If you must know, I was in the area checking out the sites. I've never been to this town before, and since I had some free time on my hands, I thought it would've been nice to do some sight seeing. Imagine to my surprise when I hear that someone is not just saying bad but really NASTY things about me! What did I ever do to you!? I've saved the world plenty of times, and this is the thanks I get!? What kind of cold-blooded person are you?"
The Nerd quickly tried to compose the Ninja Girl from popping a blood vessel. Obviously he had great respects for her. It was her video game counterpart he despised.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" the Nerd said, trying to calm her down. "Take it easy. Don't let your piss start boiling now. Look, it was me saying those things, but I wasn't talking about you."
"Oh, really?" Ninjetta said disbelievingly. "But you said my voice was awful!"
The Nerd started laughing upon realizing the confusion.
"No, no, no," the Nerd said. He pointed at the television screen, "It's that character I was talking about."
Ninjetta turned to the screen to see the video game version of herself. She titled her head in mystification as she looked the character over; since she did not know that the character was in fact her, she could not understand the connection.
"Okay…" she said with a slow tone in her voice. "And this has to do with me because…?"
The Nerd turned to the screen, and soon he understood why Ninjetta was perplexed by the character. The character in question hardly looked like Ninjetta, so that's why she did not understand.
"Oh, duh," the Nerd laughed as he smacked his forehead. "Of course. You don't even know who this character reminds you of. Well, in case you didn't know, this shit load of fuck…" He bent over and picked up the box cover for the Ninjetta game. "…is your game!"
Ninjetta was taken back by what she just heard. A game about her? Was that even possible? Still in disbelief, she grabbed the case out of the Nerd's hand and inspected it thoroughly.
"What the heck?" Ninjetta gasped, still in absolute shock. "They…made a game….about me!?"
The Nerd blinked in surprise; she was not aware of the fact that a game based on her was mass produced?
"Wait, you didn't even know this game was made?" the Nerd asked her.
Ninjetta shook her head, "No! I wasn't told!"
Ninjetta, at this point, was flabbergasted by all this. They made a game about Ninjetta without even telling her. To the ninja, that was unacceptable. She would have liked some notice beforehand the game was being created.
"I mean -- it's bad enough a comic book was made about me without my knowing, but still --" she continued, still in skepticism
The Nerd nodded understandingly, "I see. So, they made a comic about you without permission, eh?"
Ninjetta nodded in response. Since she was here, it seemed that the Nerd had no choice but to tell her what he thought of the game.
"Well, I got some bad news that will make you piss so hard that you'll drown in your own urine before you can react verbally," the Nerd said with a sigh. After a brief pause, he spoke up in his loud voice. "Your game sucks!"
Ninjetta gasped in surprise, "SAY WHAT?!"
"Yeah," the Nerd replied. He placed the game cover back on the ground, and abruptly pointed to the screen. "Look right there! See that so called ninja I'm playing as? Supposedly, that's you!"
Ninjetta focused her eyes towards the screen, only to be aghast by the character she saw. Is that really me, she thought? No, it couldn't be! It had to be some sort of joke. For a moment, she did not want to believe the character was her
"Oh, dear lord, no," Ninjetta whispered in fright. "That's…me?"
"Newsflash," the Nerd said, as he harshly told her the inevitable truth. "This game is called 'Ninjetta,' and I don't know any other person out there with that fuckin' name."
"But…that is SO not me," Ninjetta complained, still unwilling to believe the Nerd. "It doesn't even look like I'm wearing a ninja outfit. It looks like some…some…"
"Some fucking SWAT soldier?" the Nerd said, as he finished Ninjetta's sentence for her.
"Well, yeah, I guess so," Ninjetta replied with a questioned tone in her voice. A thought came to her, "Wait a minute! You claim my game sucks, right? So why are even playing it?"
"Oh, well, I guess you can say playing terrible videos games is an occupation of mine," the Nerd explained. "See, my full name is the Angry Video Game Nerd, and ever since I was in shitty diapers, I've made it my life's goal to torture myself playing bad video games."
"That sounds stupid," Ninjetta remarked. "Why do you even bother doing it?"
"I don't have a fuckin' clue," the Nerd replied. "If I did, I'd probably get a real job and become stickin' rich!"
"Oh," Ninjetta said. Deciding to change the subject, she asked, "Hey, can I watch you play this?"
The Nerd became hesitant as he was about to reply, because he was skeptical about letting her watch. His mind drifted into memory lane as he recalled the last time he had a Super Hero watch him play, which of course was Spider-Man. His mind became filled with recollections of Spider-Man ranting and raving; he was basically being a back seat gamer the whole time, and it annoyed the fuck out of the Nerd. In spite of it, he decided to give Ninjetta a fair chance. After all, it was her game, and she had a right to know about it.
"Okay, you can watch," the Nerd said. "I've got one rule though: no comments from the peanut gallery. Are we clear, or do I have to wave fucking sign around that's plastered with elephant intestines?"
Ignoring the Nerd's repugnant response, Ninjetta nodded submissively, "Crystal. I promise I'll just watch."
The Nerd, however, failed to believe that statement.
"Right…" the Nerd said with a roll of his eyes. He turned back to the game. "Well then, as I was saying beforehand, the AI was as dumb as donkey fuck! Challenge is essential to making a game fun! This boss fight was about as easy as the gameplay in Mario's Early Years: Fun with Numbers. Well, at least we can finally move on!"
A screen showed up seconds later, showing Ninjetta under a spotlight. Right above her was a giant message that went across the screen. The Nerd's eyes lit up in surprise upon reading what it said.
"Congratulations, you unlocked a costume?" the Nerd said in question. "You mean this shitfest actually has rewards!? Okay, that's a plus…I guess. I mean, yeah, it adds to the replay value and all, but what's the point? I doubt one person will get this far because of the suckyness this game emits from its tits. Well, let's see what the costume is, shall we?"
The Nerd pressed the A button on his controller, and both he, and Ninjetta were surprised by what happened next. The video game Ninjetta was now in Ninjetta's original costume, but due to how blocky she looked, it did not look any better.
"Holy crappy costume changes, Ninjetta," the Nerd said, imitating Robin from the Adam West Batman show. "It's your original costume!"
"And my costume is an un-lockable costume in this game?" Ninjetta added with a gasp. "What's the logic behind that!?"
The Nerd shrugged his shoulders, "Who knows. Look at the bright side: at least we can play in your normal outfit now."
"But it still hardly looks like me," Ninjetta protested. She sighed, "Guess it's better than nothing."
An option showed up, asking if the player wanted to keep the costume on. Without hesitation, the Nerd clicked the yes button. Soon after, the load screen appeared.
"By the way," Ninjetta said. "You said my voice was bad, right? Can I hear it?"
The Nerd turned to her with a cautious look in his eyes. Ninjetta could feel her stomach churn; something told her that it was worse than she imagined.
"You don't wanna hear it." the Nerd advised her.
Ninjetta placed her hands on her hips.
"Yes, I do." she insisted sternly.
"No, you don't." the Nerd responded with a shake of his head.
"I do." Ninjetta argued with him.
The Nerd sighed in defeat. His words alone would not stop her from hearing that voice.
"Fine. Your funeral." the Nerd said. He paused for a moment before he said, "Last chance! You sure you wanna hear it?"
"YES!!" Ninjetta shouted at him in frustration.
"Jesus Christ!" the Nerd exclaimed. "Alright! Geeze, don't flip your shit!"
The Nerd took his regular remote and pressed the mute button to give the TV sound. The duo watched patiently as the next cutscene transpired. Words alone could not describe what Ninjetta saw next. The cinematic showed the blocky and bland streets of Los Angles, though, at the moment, she could not even tell if it was her home.
"Is that supposed to be LA?" Ninjetta asked with a perplexed look in her eyes.
"I guess so," the Nerd shrugged. "Personally, it looks like something my cat hacked up."
"Oh, you have a cat," Ninjetta asked, suddenly becoming intrigued. "What's his name?"
"Fuckface," the Nerd replied with pride in his eyes. Ninjetta frowned underneath her mask. "The best little pussy a man could ask for."
Ninjetta groaned. She did not like the Nerd's odious attitude, but for the sake of seeing this game, she had no choice but to tolerate it.
Ninjetta rolled her eyes, and muttered, "Sorry I asked."
The two resumed watching the scene. The camera zoomed into a moving bus, where someone was sitting on one of the seats, quietly reading a book. The two leaned into the television to see who that person was. Ninjetta felt her jaw drop upon recognizing the person. It was an Asian girl who liked like a total Nerd. (Not as nerdy as the Angry Video Game Nerd, but still pretty nerdy.) She wore circular glasses over her eyes and had braces on her teeth. She wore a white buttoned down shirt similar to the Nerd's shirt. All around she did not look physically attractive. (And the blocky graphics added extra pain to an already sore wound.)
Ninjetta became appalled at this point. They had the nerve to make her look like a joke.
"NO!" she cried. "PLEASE tell me that's not me! I look horrible! A mule looks prettier than that!"
The Nerd slumped his shoulders; he was actually going to say that -- of course in a more repulsive manner. Instead, he mentioned something else.
"What did you expect?" the Nerd spoke up. "No one knows who you really are. Between you, Danny Phantom, and Jenny, you're the only one who's identity is still a secret."
"That may be true and all but it would have been nice if they portrayed me better," Ninjetta argued. "Look at me! They could've made me look normal instead of nerdy."
The Nerd took offense to Ninjetta's statement due to the obvious. He stiffened his lip as he made his trademark enraged look.
"And what in the name of fuck is wrong with being nerdy!?" the Nerd asked angrily.
Ninjetta winced upon realizing she said that in the presence of a nerd.
"Oh…well…nothing...um…" she stuttered, trying to come up with a good excuse. Then, she decided change the subject. "Look, they should've just portrayed me better. That's all!"
Deciding to drop the matter, the Nerd sighed and turned his attention back to the screen.
"Whatever," the Nerd said.
As the scene continued, the two watched the video game Ninjetta read the book, when all of a sudden….
BOOM!!
In the blink of an eye, the bus started shaking. The video game Ninjetta looked up and jerked her head left and right.
"Well gosh darn it!" the game Ninjetta exclaimed. "Someone's, like, totally attacking this bus! This bus is shaking, so I gotta, like, shake it up!"
Ninjetta felt like she was about to crack. That was her voice? It sounded so irritating and corny. She even noticed that her lines were witless.
"You're kidding, right!?" Ninjetta said, on the verge of yelling. "THAT'S my voice! It's bad enough they made me look like a ner..erm…dork but now they give me a terrible voice with cheesy one-lines? What the H E Double Hockey Stick were these game developers thinking!?"
"I told you it was awful," the Nerd said. "And that line was worse than any line from the third Ninja Turtles movie." He thought about what he just said, and responded, "Okay, maybe that's pushing it, but still…"
Ninjetta buried her face into her hands and shook it. She was overwhelmed by all this.
"Oh, this is just terrible." she moaned.
"Got news for ya, Ninjetta," the Nerd said as he turned to her. "It gets worse."
Ninjetta looked up at the Nerd with eyes so wide that he thought they were going to fall out of her sockets.
"It…gets...worse?" she gasped in horror. "How? How can it possibly get worse?"
The Nerd shrugged, "To be truthful, I don't know. This is my first time playing through the game; but I can tell you through fucking experience that this inhumane pile of anal waste is only gonna get worse!"
Deciding to save Ninjetta further grief of the voice acting, he pressed the A button to skip the cutscene.
"Hey, look at the bright side," the Nerd said optimistically. "At least this game shows mercy by allowing you to skip the cutscenes.
Still stunned and overwhelmed, Ninjetta once again buried her face in her hands, letting out a soft moan. Meanwhile, the Nerd turned his attention back to the screen to notice the level had begun. The virtual Ninjetta was now seen in front of the burning bus. Before he could even move the character, two thugs strangely appeared about ten feet away from the character. Both of the thugs looked like the two bosses he faced from before, only now they had a blue color scheme.
"What the-?" the Nerd jumped back in surprise. "They just appeared out of nowhere! Shouldn't they be appearing from farther back? What, did the game designers become lazy asses and not make the bad guys fade in from the background? Also, why the hell do they all look the same? Not to mention, they look like stereotypical criminals. Wasn't any imagination put into this game? What were they thinking!?"
The Nerd moved his character forward to fight the two thugs. To his surprise, the AI of the thugs was a lot better this time. They actually started punching at him, and they did a decent amount of damage. Of course, they still only punched. They had no arsenals at their disposal. Likewise with the Nerd, his character could only punch, and the Ninja stars were still frustrating to use. After defeating the first two enemies, he moved ahead a bit until another group of enemies ambushed him. Then, a thought occurred to him. Why wasn't Ninjetta using any of her other weapons?
"Hm, there's something wrong here," the Nerd said in realization. "Why can't Ninjetta use her other weapons and abilities? If you haven't read fuckin' chapter 1 of this story, then you're gonna be lost, because I mentioned she could do more than throw ninja stars. Usually when you progress in a level, you get power-ups to help you. Plus it adds strategy and variety. Let's take an example from another ninja game. Ah, how about the NES Ninja Gaiden games? For example: as you progress through a level, you gain power-ups to help you kill the bad guys. That way, you don't need to entirely rely on your sword. Or it could have been like in Banjo-Kazooie where you learn new abilities as you progress through the game. Clearly though, we're not seeing that here. This is ridiculous; I'm reduced to back ass punches and throwing ninja stars that curve."
Ninjetta brought her head up to notice the Nerd throwing ninja stars. She was shocked upon seeing them curve.
"HUH!?" Ninjetta exclaimed.
"Surprised, aren'tchya?" the Nerd responded. "Your ninja stars curve in this game. Is this a fucking joke, or do your ninja stars actually curve on your ass?"
"NO! Of course not!" Ninjetta said in defense. "That is..unless..I do a throwing trick."
The Nerd shook his head, "I figured as much."
The Nerd pressed the B button again, only to find that nothing was happening.
"Aw, fuckberries!" the Nerd cursed out. "I'm out of ninja stars again!"
Ninjetta looked at the screen to notice a yellow ninja star floating a few feet above the road.
"Look, there's a ninja star right there." Ninjetta exclaimed.
The Nerd prompted the virtual Ninjetta to run over and grab the stars. After picking them up, he tried to throw it by pressing B, but to his surprise, it did absolutely nothing. A deadpan expression appeared on the Nerd's face.
"Um, why can't I throw the newly acquired ninja stars?" the Nerd asked rhetorically. He banged his hand against the Wii remote. "Is this fucking thing even responding now? What happened to my ninja stars? Did they disappear?"
"Look out!" Ninjetta cried.
The Nerd turned back to see another thug charging for his character. Thankfully, the Nerd had enough time to move Ninjetta out of the way and counterattack. After disposing of the thugs, the Nerd moved Ninjetta forward, which caused a cutscene to ensue. The scene showed Ninjetta standing outside what appeared to be a small drug store. A subtitle appeared under the video game ninja. What both Ninjetta and the Nerd saw next baffled them.
The subtitle read, "Great. I'm going to need some more equipment!"
The Nerd was about ready to blow a gasket. Ninjetta had to go to a store to get her equipment?
"Oh, no!" the Nerd said. "Don't tell me I have to BUY my own equipment? This is like Ghostbusters on the NES all over again! Man, I wish Chuck Norris would come through this screen and rip ass all over this game, followed by lighting it on fire and feeding it to the fucking crocodiles!"
Ninjetta just remained quiet; she was too shocked and revolted to even form words in her mouth. The Nerd moved the virtual Ninjetta into the store. The next screen that came up showed a list of items that he could buy. However, there were only two things for sale: one of which were the ninja stars. But the worse part of the whole thing was how he had to pay for it. On the top right of the screen he saw a textbox that said, "you need three ninja stars to purchase a bag of ninja stars."
"WHAT!?" the Nerd shouted out. "You mean the ninja stars I picked up serve as the currency!? That's why I couldn't throw them!? 'Cause they're money!?"
"So wait," Ninjetta said, finally able to speak up. "You collect ninja stars to purchase them? What kind of sense does that make?"
"Makes as much sense as a bunch of stoned crows grabbing your vagina and pulling it all the way to your asshole, while you get gang rapped by the fucking Legion of Doom!" the Nerd said with one of his crude analogies.
Ninjetta was starting to become peeved over the Nerd's offensive nature. She could not stand listening to all these disgusting comments. However, she decided not to worry about him….yet. They still had a game to play. The Nerd moved the cursor over the second item, which showed a picture of a spider. The Nerd looked to see what the item was called, but he was befuddled when he observed the label underneath it. The label said, "Webbings."
"Webbings?" the Nerd said as he read the label.
Ninjetta's face flushed in embarrassment upon noticing what the Nerd said. She buried her face yet again.
"Ugh!" she moaned. "They had to put in the webbings? They're so out of date!"
The Nerd's eyes widened in surprise upon hearing that.
He spun around to face her, "Wait a minute! You mean to tell me those rumors of you having Spider-man webbings were true?"
Ninjetta slightly titled her head, "Well, sort of. It was more like PSI webbing, but if you wanna be all technical about it, then, yeah."
"Boy…I was right!" the Nerd exclaimed. "Spidy should sue your ass!"
"HEY!!" Ninjetta shouted at the Nerd in offense.
Ignoring Ninjetta's response to his comment, he turned back to the television screen. Ninjetta just sat there; arms crossed and anger reaching the peak of a volcano. She did not know if she could abstain herself from taking the Nerd's glasses and beat him senselessly with them. But alas, she was a superhero, and the Nerd was not a threat…or was he? The Nerd decided to try the webbings, so he purchased them. As he pressed the back button, he noticed a message popped up. It was asking him if he wanted to save. That was a good thing, he thought. At least this piece of shit allowed you to save, and boy was he going to need it.
After saving the game, the Nerd exited the store and arrived on the streets. Yet another message popped up; this one mentioned how to use the webbings. It said, "Press the Z button to use the webbing." The Nerd was surprised that he was receiving some help. Maybe this game was finally starting to get good. The Nerd moved the virtual Ninjetta towards a building and pressed Z. What happened next caused the Nerd gasp. The webbings went straight into the air, and surprisingly, Ninjetta started to move forward.
"Oh sweet Jesus, no!" the Nerd exclaimed. "Not only does this game rip-off Spidey's webbing but they decided to do one of the worst things that most Spidey games have done with them…have the webbings go right into the sky! Why did these bastards do that? What is Ninjetta webbing? CLOUDS!? A SATELLITE!? URANS!?" he pronounced it as 'your anus."
"How can the webbings stick to them anyway?" the Nerd continued. "This should be nonexistent, because ever since Spider-Man 2 the problem was fixed. Why the cunt couldn't they make it like that?"
Ninjetta could not deal with the Nerd's cursing anymore. She could tolerate a lot of things, but the Nerd's foul mouth was just too much to bear.
"Okay, that's it!" Ninjetta blared out as she stood up from her chair. "I'm sick and tired of your cursing. I can tell this game stinks, but do you have to talk so offensively?"
The Nerd stopped what he was doing and placed the Wii Remote on the floor. Standing up, he picked up his mask from the floor and put it back on. No one ever talked to him that way, and Ninjetta was about to feel his wrath. The two super heroes glared at each other, just like a showdown in a western movie.
"Hey, no one, and I mean no one, ever tells me what the fuck to do," the Nerd hissed at his opponent. "I can swear how I want, where I want, and when I want. Understand?"
Ninjetta gritted her teeth in anger, "Understand? Don't even know the meaning of the word."
The two heroes continued to stare each other down, until the Nerd ran right at her, screaming at the top of his lungs. Things were about to get intense.
