A/N: Thank you to everyone who has supported this fic - it's hard going, I know. It was painful to write, too. But I hope that you all think it's worth it. All of you how have reviewed so far have been wonderful and made my day so much better! :)
WARNING (well, it applies to the whole fic): Potentially triggering for those sensitive to sexual abuse.
Daniel sat by the window, the afternoon sun hitting his skin and making it shimmer. He'd managed to put his jeans back on, but he was still shirtless. His muscles rippled as he lifted his arm to run his fingers through his hair.
I sat as far away from him as possible without burrowing through the wall into the next room, staring at him. I never thought it was possible to be this torn. I loved him and I was intensely drawn to him, yet I didn't like the way he made me feel.
He kept glancing out the window. "Are you sure about this?"
"Well…. Yeah. What do you normally do? Just walk out in the open air for anyone to see you sparkling?"
He shrugged. "I dunno. I'm not in cities much unless I'm hunting."
I rolled my eyes. "It's kind of a basic rule."
"And I'm not exactly one for sticking to the rules."
"Obviously," I muttered. Nothing about him—about our relationship—stuck to the normal rules. Not that he was denying that we were mates, just that he wasn't very excited at the prospect. He was embracing the physical side of mating but was very hesitant about the emotional side. He still wouldn't tell me anything about himself past the basics, and he didn't want to meet my family, which bothered me. Did he expect that I wouldn't want to go home to them?
"I'm going to need to hunt tonight," I told him. "There's a forest area just outside the city that'll be perfect."
"God, Alice. You know you could get a much better meal just by stepping out this door. There's no need to go that far away."
"I'm not hunting humans."
"You don't know what you're missing."
"Yes, I do, and it's not worth it. You'll come with me, right?"
He looked at me in disgust. "I'm not drinking no animals."
I sighed. "I didn't say you had to hunt with me, just come with me. What? You'd rather just stay here by yourself?"
He looked out the window for several minutes, watching the people on the pavement below. "Fine," he said softly. "I'll come. Gotta see this crime against nature first-hand sometime, right?" He tried to make his tone light, but there was a begrudging quality behind it.
"Don't sound so excited," I grumbled.
He looked at me, amused, and strode across the room. He bent down and ran his finger down the side of my face possessively. "Don't be like that, mate." His finger kept its downward journey, running down my neck and between my breasts. "You wouldn't want me to have to punish you for insolence, would you?"
I couldn't help the shiver of anticipation that ran through me at his touch. I was pathetic. I was putty in his hands.
"You know, there is still over an hour until sunset. We'll need to find something to do until then, right?" he whispered, letting his breath wash over my face.
I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "I—I guess." I knew exactly what he was wanting and knew I was powerless to resist him.
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up, bending down to pick me up and throw me over his shoulder for the three paces to the bed. He lay me down and nuzzled at my neck.
I started to protest. "Daniel…." Halfway through his name, however, he hit a particularly sensitive spot and the protest turned into a moan of pleasure.
"Want you," he growled against my skin. Always "want you," and never "love you". Our relationship was messed up, and I could freely admit it. After all those years of trying to be more human and to be a good person, just meeting Daniel had made me more vampiric than I'd ever imagined. I felt like I was losing myself—like I wasn't the same Alice I had been just a few days ago.
"Want you too," I breathed, surrendering to his will. Surrendering to his need.
"This is a stupid idea," he told me as I led him through the city. We flitted across rooftops faster than anyone could see in the darkness, and I refused to let go of his hand, afraid that if I did he would flee.
"I have to feed, Daniel."
"Yeah, but I offered you a great dinner just before. You turned down my five-star meal."
"I'm not feeding from a human." How many times would I need to tell him this before he listened?
I saw him shrug out of the corner of my eye. "Your loss."
I stopped us just inside the tree line. "Here."
He looked at me expectantly. "So, what am I supposed to do while you eat?"
"I don't know. Just follow me. Watch. Whatever."
He rolled his eyes. "Sounds riveting."
"Hey, you might like it. Humans are easy. The hunt is over in seconds. With the big animals you get around here, you have to work for it. It's more of a challenge. Maybe you'll like that."
"Why would I want to work for my food?"
I kicked at a rock near my feet and watched it fly into a tree ten yards away. "Variety?" I looked up at his bored eyes. "After you've been killing humans for a hundred years with no effort whatsoever, maybe the idea of it being more of a game will appeal."
"Doubtful. The chase might be fun, but then I'd have to drink that horrible shit."
I sighed heavily. "Whatever. Just don't run off, okay?"
I might still technically be the only one of us still a teenager, but he did a very good impression of one as he huffed and looked away into the distance. "Whatever. Fine."
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and let all the scents of the forest fill my senses. I could just smell some black bear about thirty miles away, but they were in hibernation, and that was just cruel. Instead, I opted for the easy kill – white-tail deer. They didn't taste the best, but they were in abundance, so at least I could claim to have retained some of my morality from before I met Daniel.
I took off, and after about ten seconds hesitation, he followed. He kept a slower pace, not seeming eager, but keeping me in sight.
With a feral growl, I snapped the necks of two deer and had sucked one dry before Dan appeared. He leaned against a large spruce, watching as I dumped the first carcass and picked up the second. With a questioning raise of my eyebrows I offered the second deer to him, but his face crinkled into a disgusted look and he shook his head forcefully.
With a shrug, I bit down and let the blood flow down my throat. I kept my eyes locked on Dan while I drank. I wished that he would one day join me hunting, because I knew that hunting together could be an incredibly erotic experience. I felt energy radiating through my body as the blood spread through my system and tried to convey with my eyes just how good this could be if he gave it a shot. Instead of keeping my gaze, however, he looked off at the leaves, seeming to be bored.
"Done?" he called out when I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
"Just a second." I piled snow over the carcasses to keep the meat fresh for the carnivores in the area.
I strolled over to him. "Well? What did you think?"
He shrugged casually. "Don't see the appeal."
"Really?"
"It's got nothing on hunting humans. You don't get to hear them scream. You don't get to see their confusion when they try to work out what is going on or the fear in their eyes when they realize they're about to die. You don't get to feel a perfect female body under your hands as their life is slowly drained from them."
I stiffened half way through his explanation.
"You're a sadist," I whispered, knowing the look on my face was pure hurt.
"I'm a vampire," he corrected.
I started pacing between the trees. "How can you enjoy taking an innocent life?"
"I repeat – I'm a vampire."
"Yeah, so am I. So is all of my family. But we don't take pleasure in killing someone. We feel guilt when it happens."
He was tense, coiled like a spring as he watched me pace.
"God, Alice!" He turned and punched a hole through the poor tree. "This is who we are! Why can't you just accept that?"
I stopped and looked at him, pleading. "Because there's another way. Maybe you didn't realize it before you met me, but now you know. We don't have to be monsters."
"Why does everything keep coming back to this with us?"
I was quiet. "Maybe because I'm not sure if I can handle being with someone with no conscience."
"Who says I don't have a conscience? Just because I'm not trying to deny who I am? Because I don't pretend to be something I'm not? You'll never fit in with the human world, Alice, no matter how hard you try. And if you constantly look down your nose at real vampires, you'll never fit in with us either."
"Us?" I repeated. "As in 'you and all the other human-drinking vampires?'"
"Exactly."
"Shouldn't there be an us that's just you and me? Isn't that what being in a relationship should be?"
He scoffed. "How can there be an 'us' when we're on such different planes? How can you expect me to stick around here and listen to you bitch about me being a bad person every freaking day for the rest of eternity?"
"And how can you expect me to just sit idly by and watch your body count go up daily? How can I be with you knowing that every day I'm with you, a bit of my humanity is slipping away? How can I continue to see humans as being individual people with lives and loves when I know that you're out there extinguishing those lives?" I spat.
He glared at me. "I'm not going to change who I am for you. I'm not going to give up something I love about myself. I love the kill. I'm not going to feel bad for that."
I glared back at him. "I'm not going to change who I am for you, either. I can't. I've worked so hard to gain the control for this diet. I've seen the difference between our family and the feral nomads we come across. I like the way we live. I want to stay that way. I don't want to be a murderer."
We stared at each other for minutes. Before actually meeting Daniel, I had never questioned that the fates could ever get mating wrong. How could someone be destined for someone so different?
My life had been a learning curve. I had to accept that the future wasn't always perfect. It wasn't always destiny that decided events, and the way the future could change in an instant was proof of that. Nothing was set in stone. Nothing – except mates.
Mates were never wrong. There was never a time when I had seen finding ones mate as being a bad thing. Even the most evil of vampires always seemed perfect for their mate. Having a mate completed them and made them a better person. Carlisle had always told us about the Volturi and how as evil those leaders seemed to outsiders, their mates kept them grounded. They could be so much worse if they never had the love of their perfect woman.
But me and Daniel? I couldn't see it. How was he making me a better person? And conversely… how could I be making him better when he refused to accept me and my lifestyle? The bond was there; I couldn't deny that. I wanted him, and even against my will, I knew that I loved him. But I was miserable. He wasn't making me happy like a mate should. Any longer with him, and I could foresee my scarily dark future.
I belong here by his side, no matter what.
And at that thought, the vision flashed in my mind. It was me, looking up at Daniel, my eyes bright red and blood dripping down my chin.
I let out a tearless sob at the reality of my situation. I didn't want that. I didn't want to be that person. I liked who I was before I found him. Even though I was alone, it was okay, because I didn't regret one thing in my past. I could live with myself. I couldn't live with myself if things turned out how they did in that vision.
I can't do that. I can't be that person.
The vision changed. I was back with my family, and I was a shell of a person, miserable without my mate. But my eyes were golden.
Was that the lesser of two evils?
I could be selfless. I could sacrifice my own happiness, knowing that I was saving human lives.
I'd always put so much faith in fate - the fate of mating. By now I knew the truth – fate was a bitch. And I wouldn't just bow down to her and let her rule my life. I could make my own destiny. I could take control.
I steeled myself for the pain I knew was coming.
I looked at my mate dead on, and squared my jaw against the onslaught.
"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "I can't do this. I can't be with you." My voice, clear and strong at the beginning, faded into a whisper as I got the end of my speech out.
Shock flitted across his face, and with one more look at him, I turned to the northeast and ran.
