Aragog, Nagini and One Hundred and Thirty-Six ways to get the Woman

"What is it?" Harry asked, amazed.

"I think it's a unicorn. Look, it is, I can see it's horn. What on earth is it doing though?" Ron replied.

Harry stood at the window, peering intently through his round glasses. The unicorn was staggering around in dazed circles, its feet failing to guide him anywhere. He stared at it in awe; its coat was shining with silver, glistening in the moonlight. It took Harry a moment to realise that it was blood.

"Look, it's bleeding!" he exclaimed. He made for the door before hesitating. He wasn't sure if he was allowed out on the school grounds at night, what with Voldemort chasing him and all. He raced over to his half unpacked trunk and began shifting his robes and Uncle Vernon's socks, obviously looking for something.

"What are you looking for?" Ron asked, confused.

"This!" Harry cried, holding up a piece of dirty parchment. Unfolding it carefully, he took his wand and placed it in the centre of the page, reciting.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Thin ink lines spread out gradually like a spider's web over the page, starting from the point where Harry's wand touched it. They criss-crossed over each other and joined, reaching into the far corners til they finally revealed a map. It was a map of Hogwarts, complete with little dots that represented each person. Harry and Ron peered down intently, searching for a clue.

"Look, the thing is near Hagrid's cabin! We can go down to him!" Ron exclaimed. Quickly, they pulled on their slippers and dressing gowns. They grabbed their wands and headed out, racing through the many passageways of the castle.

Before they knew it, they were at Hagrid's cabin, banging on the thick wooden door. They could hear Fang, Hagrid's dog howling, and Hagrid's grumbles. The bed creaked loudly as Hagrid got out of bed to answer the door.

" 'Arry! What are you doin' 'ere? Get back up to the castle right now," he yelled as he faced the two boys, their cheeks pinched with pink from the cold.

Harry opened his mouth to explain but before he could say anything, a large, howling noise was heard.

" Was that?" Hagrid spoke, pushing Harry and Ron inside the cabin.

"That's what we've been trying to tell you! It's a unicorn and it's injured! Hurry, you've got to help it!"

"But, I jest can't leave youse 'ere. Look, you'll 'ave to come with me," Hagrid grabbed them by the arms, and grabbed his bow and arrow.

"Come on, Fang," he called out to the large dog, who was laying sleepily in the corner.

He ran around the cabin and towards the Forbidden Forest, where the noise was coming from. They soon came across the injured unicorn only it was no longer injured. It was dead.

"Look 'ere. See the bite marks on its neck. There's trouble 'bout. I can smell it."

Hagrid leaped up and, to Harry and Ron's surprise, proceeded to run off into the dark Forest. They were only in the a few metres into the forest when Hagrid ran into, or more like bulldozed into, a centaur.

"Baines! What're you doing 'ere?" Hagrid cried.

"I'm just gazing at the sky, doing my bit. Mars is bright tonight, Hagrid. Unusually bright, I must say. What about you?"

"There's been an attack; I'm chasing the thing. A unicorn's dead. 'Ere, look; you reckon you think that you could mind these two while I'se go and look for it? Could get a bit dangerous, you know…"

"Of course, of course. You be on your way."

With that, Hagrid dumped Harry and Ron and ran off towards the heart of the dark, gloomy forest, Fang at his heels.

They both turned and faced the centaur, who looked quite calm even though he had just heard that something was attacking every living thing in the forest. They sat down together on a rock.

"If only I'd bought along the map!" Harry spoke angrily.

"Yeah; Hey, Baines, do you have any psychic abilities that enables you to see something happening?" Ron asked the centaur hopefully.

"Why, yes I do," the centaur replied, quite pleased with being asked such a question. "I can, with my extraordinary powers, tell you that Mars is extremely bright tonight."

Ron sighed.

"I meant anything important?" he cried, annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, well I do. Mars is unusually bright tonight, and I believe that is so because Mars is in the seventh cusp of Saturn. Therefore, Mars is very bright tonight. Furthermore, Mars is never this bright, did you know that? I'm sure you have, you just-"

"I don't care about Mars!" Ron cried. " Shut up about Mars and tell us about Hagrid!"

"Why would I even want to know about such a petty thing like that," Baines sniffed, obviously irritated.

*

The tense atmosphere that greeted Hagrid when he returned and hour and a half later was so thick that he felt he could have quite easily cut it with a knife. Ron had had a tense argument with Baines over the fact that Mars being bright had nothing to do with Hagrid. Hagrid, however, did not care.

"Come on you two, you're coming with me," he said grimly, taking them each by the arms and lifting them up easily. He carried them up to the castle, leading them to Dumbledore's office.

"Jelly-bean monsters," he muttered half-heartedly. The gargoyle sprang to life and jumped aside, letting the three in.

Dumbledore greeted them, his gown ruffled and his nightcap lopsided.

"Hagrid, what on earth is it?" he cried.

"You-Know-Who is here," came the brusque reply.

*

"… So, was Aragog absolutely sure that it was Nagini who tried to kill his son? Because, if it was, it is highly dangerous here and I'm not sure if we should start school. But, but why would his snake kill a unicorn? Unicorns and snakes do not go together, I'm quite sure. And, there is also the quite obvious fact that Aragog is well, blind. Maybe it was a vine that fell or a"

"Professor, with all due respect, it ain't a branch that is killin' the unicorn's it's a snake. Spiders fear snakes above all other things! They sense it! Don't you see?"

"He's right Sir," Ron spoke up all of a sudden. "Remember what Aragog said Harry? He told us that the thing that was in the Chamber of Secrets was the thing that spiders fear above all and it was a Basilisk, the worst snake of all! He's right, Professor. You-Know-Who's snake killed the unicorn."

Dumbledore's face was set in a thoughtful expression. He seemed to be turning over Ron's words in his head. Harry thought it was all so logical that it could be understood in an instant but he knew that Dumbledore would be analysing every word over and over to produce the absolutely correct answer.

"Well, Hagrid. You can rest assured that I will think about it. I want you to dispose of the unicorn's body by dawn, so as not to scare anyone. Firstly, though, all people in the building will be sleeping in the teacher's dormitories. Go and get them, please. It'll be Fred, George, Ginny and uh- yes Draco Malfoy."

*

"We finally get to see a forbidden part of Hogwarts and he's here to spoil it," Ron grumbled to Harry, looking angrily at Draco who was yawning and looking delightfully idiotic in his nightgown, complete with Draco stitched on the pocket (in pink).

"Never mind him, look around you," Harry whispered back.

The room was indeed quite peculiar. They'd walked into a long passageway, with doors off each wall. Fred and George, who'd grumbled angrily when they were awoken, were suddenly wide-eyed and fully awake as they realised the full potential of this visit. Each person clambered into any empty room. Fred walked into one to the right and, a moment later, poked his head around and whispered excitedly.

"I've got Madam Hooch's room. Gosh, she's a female version of Lockhart- she loves herself. There must be, what, six pictures of her on the wall. Hay, look, that one's picking her nose. Delightful…" He laughed as he shut the door behind him.

George stepped out of another room and spoke as wickedly as his twin had.

"Think that's bad, I've got Professor Trelawny's!"

Everyone clambered into any room they saw, too tired to care much about where they were. Then there was only Harry and Ron standing in the passageway. There was only one room left. They looked at each other and shrugged; they weren't really tired anyway.

They walked half-heartedly down to the vacant room, trying hard to laugh as they heard Draco snoring. They opened the door, gasped in horror and tried extremely hard not to scream.

It was Snape's room.

His large, greasy head looked back at them from a painting on the wall. The bed was large and grey and, thought Harry and Ron disgusted, seemed to have greasy patches on the pillow from his oily hair. They walked around the room, gazing at all the things. They stood at a bookcase, reading the titles. There were numerous titles, each given an insight to Snape that they had never seen before.

Guilopop's Guide to Remembering Herbs by Argynold Guilopop was at the top of the stack and looked suspiciously as though it was frequently used. There was also Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them by Newt Scamander and Wandering with Werewolves by Gilderoy Lockhart. Much to the amusement of Harry and Ron, there was also One hundred and thirty six ways to get that Woman by Guionarvardi Spockinnoff.

Moving on, they were shocked to see how messy Snape was. The same man who yelled at Neville Longbottom when he spilt his frogspawn in Potions left his dirty clothes all around the room. The dirty mirror had a large crack in it (probably because it saw his face, Ron joked) and the brushes laid out in front of the mirror were full of greasy strands of Snape's black hair. Opening the drawers, they found some old toothbrushes, a dusty old book and a portrait of a very pretty lady, who looked quite familiar, though neither of them could figure out why. They pondered over this for a while, then ignored it and instead looked at the book. They could not believe their luck.

It was his diary.

Excitedly, though opened it up and began reading.

September 18th, 1987

I've just heard of the news of Voldemorts downfall. The stupid Potters! How Harry could have survived is beyond my knowledge, but I do know that James and Lily did something before their death that I, and only I, know about. They performed an extremely tricky charm. See, I knew that Dumbledore was going to tip them off about the attack and Voldemort gave me the job of stopping him doing so. I stalled him in an inevitable way (told him that they were shopping) and sent him off to Hogsmeade. I was supposed to then guard the Potters house until Voldemort arrived, but that day I saw something that would change my life forever.

It was James playing with his son.

Though it seems like quite an ordinary thing, I saw how much James loved his son. I couldn't do it. I felt as though all the wrong I had done was finally getting to me. I couldn't do it. The others I killed, they were strangers; the Potters were my mortal enemies. Even so, I knew them and I knew the hardship they'd been through.

So I told them. I warned them and they tried to escape but it was too late. They only had time to perform the Juinunhulou Charm on Harry, a charm that wouldn't save him but make it less hurtful if anything did happen.

And then they were dead. I drowned my sorrows at the Leaky Cauldron and I'm told I stared blankly and looked lifeless as everyone else cheered and celebrated.

Perhaps I was.

Severus

Harry sat open mouthed, unable to do anything. He could feel Ron staring at him intently, but he didn't meet his gaze. He was sick. Slowly and deliberately, he replaced the book. He sat down and gulped. His mind was racing and he thought he would be sick. He would've too, he knew it, if he hadn't heard the voices outside.

Ron and Harry both froze, unable to move. Slowly, Harry got up and walked over to the door, pressing his ear against it. He could hear Gilderoy Lockhart's voice and a voice that Harry knew only too well. Snape's.

"…Yes, well really Snape, to turn up here, in the middle of the night at all times. And now, too. You see, there are students occupying your room at the moment. Yes, You-Know-Who's snake killed a unicorn and Dumbledore has commanded that all students here at the moment stay in the teacher's dormitory."

"There are students here?" Snape questioned, interrupting Lockharts chatter.

"Yes. There are the Weasley's, all of them, Draco Malfoy and the great Harry Potter. Now, you see there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't have gone up and killed that snake lizard thing, whatever it was. I'm quite experienced with things like this. I've learnt from my books that I've stared a Yeti in the eye without battering an eyelid. Impressive, yes I quite agree. I'm a splendid chap, aren't I? Yes, I've got it all; looks, brains and guts! Wouldn't you say that I am undoubtedly the greatest…." Lockhart went on and Harry could here the footsteps advancing. Any moment now, Snape would turn the handle and discover them in his room.

That is, he would've if it weren't for a terrified scream piercing the dark night air that woke everyone.