Date: November 18, 2002

Time: 10:00 am

My alarm went off. It's November 18 and Paris is probably packing her stuff leaving Washington tomorrow. How was I to explain how I just completely abandoned her in D.C? I don't want to tell her that my mom's sick, we (Luke, Jess, Mom and I) all agreed to keep it between the four of us, excluding Dr. Mitchell and Nurse Collins.

I went outside into the kitchen. I wasn't hungry, but I haven't eaten for two days. So I got up and started cleaning the house. Oh god was the place a mess. I wonder why we never cleaned it. I started in the kitchen. Empty the trash. I opened the bin and found one of those orange bottles, things that contain the medicine pills the doctor prescribes you. Lorelai Gilmore, it said. Pain killers. It was a full bottle, hasn't even been touched. Why is it here? I heard footsteps.

"Honey? Up yet? Let's get something to eat from Luke's"

I hid the bottle in the pocket of my jogging pants.

"Yeah sure let me just get dressed."
"Okay."

I got dressed rather quickly. I wanted to ask her why she threw away the pain killers. How can someone endure that much pain through chemo?

"Let's go." I said

"Sure."

Mom and I walked there rather slowly. My excuse for her is that it was cold.

"Well, that dumb chemotherapy ain't getting to me yet, see, I still have my beautiful black hair. I'm walking, I have no migraines. It goes great with those pain killers Dr. Mitchell gave me. He told me that I would experience headaches and nausea from time to time but still. It works like a charm."
"Really? Why'd I find it in the trash a while ago? It hasn't even been touched."
"What?" mom violently reacted.

"Why are you lying to me, ma?"
"Oh, no."
"What? What is it? Tell me because I really don't get it."

At this point we were already near Luke's

"Honey not here, not now please."
"Mom, please. Is there something I should know?"
"Fine. I am… not….. going…… to …….take……the…..chemotherapy."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to fight it Rory!"
"Mom…"
"Enough! Let's just eat."

Mom went ahead into Luke's it's the fight or flight response. Mom took the flight response.

I went to Andrew's bookstore. I found a small dark corner and started to cry. If she didn't take the chemo…she'd die.

Well I guess he saw me go in another direction because a few minutes later Jess came in. He sat right next to me and hugged me. For five minutes, we were just there, sitting together. When I finally stopped crying. I looked at him.

"You know your mom's been looking for you."

"I know."

I stared at him longer. He leaned in about to kiss me but I idiotically broke it. So close!

"Sorry." He said

"I have to uh, lets go back."

"Okay."

I ran out of there, butterflies in my stomach. I didn't wait for him to come out. I was too afraid to look at him. I just ran to the diner.

"There you are!" mom said

"Yeah, I just saw a book in the shop that was half off, looked interesting."
"Okay." Mom saw the truth in my eyes.

"I ordered us lunch."
"I'm not that hungry."
"Come on, just eat with me a while."
"Actually, I have to go home, call Paris."
"Sure. Go."
"Bye."

Again I ran. Ran home. I sat down staring, at absolutely nothing. Lost in oblivion. Pondering…pondering. Before I knew it, it was 3:00. I had been thinking for over an hour and a half. god! I was being so dramatic!

Look at yourself Rory! For shame! Your mother needs you, especially now, when you know she's dying. Face the reality Rory!

"WHAT AM I DOING?" Mom isn't even home yet!

WHERE IS SHE?

Then keys...I heard……..Luke and mom……….laughing……….happy……….door opens.

"Hey honey."
"Hi mom."

I ran to her and hugged her. I faced the reality………….face the music…….just go with it…..walk through the fire……..

"I brought home the food. Luke was nice enough to drive me home."
"Thanks Luke."
"Yeah, no problem."
"You want to stay for a while?" Mom asked.

"No, I'd love to but I have to run the diner, can't leave Jess alone, he might burn it down."

We all laughed.

Then Luke left. I hope mom isn't mad. She looked relaxed on the couch.

"Want coffee?" I asked.

"With omelet and bacon?"
"Sure. You eat it almost everyday."
"Yeah now the thought of it kind of makes me queasy."

"Oh okay. Ill heat the food."
"Okay."

I came back with the food on the plate and a movie. Casablanca. Classic, black and white, long and tragic, perfect.

"Here, eat something, ma."
"Okay."

I put in the movie, sat on the couch and started to eat. The first bite mom took was a fairly big one, actually kind of small. But the minute she swallowed, she went to the bathroom and threw up.

"Mom? are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Get me some water." I heard from upstairs.

I got up, and got some cold water. I was about to set the glass down and then I heard a big "THUD"

"Mom!" I yelled.

"MOM!" I yelled even louder.

I ran up to the bathroom and the toilet had blood in it. Mom threw up blood. She was on the floor.

"MOM! Oh my god!"

I called Luke.

"LUKE GET OVER HERE NOW! MOM NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL."

I just slammed the phone on the charger and quickly hauled my mom over to the porch. As soon as I got there, Luke, speeding, was there.

"Oh my god what happened."
"I don't know."

I put mom in the car and Luke drove us as fast as he could to the hospital.

I ran inside and yelled help as Luke carried mom inside.

"Someone, help my mom please."

Dr. Mitchell, assisted by a new nurse came running to us. The put mom on a gurney and took her away.

Luke and I sat down, I started to panic. I was crying my eyes out. The new nurse came up to us.

"Hello, I am nurse Hannigan."

Nurse Hannigan was much prettier than curse Collins. She reminded me so much of Nicole Kidman. But she looked much colder than nurse Collins.

"Do you happen to know where the other nurse is? Nurse uhm… Collins?"
"She's getting married today."
"Really?"
"Yeah, soon to be one Mrs. Byrne."

At least someone got their happily ever after.

"Wow. Good for her."

I nodded off a little, they were taking forever. Luke was panicking, standing up, walking around, crying. He loved her to tell you the truth. It hurt him a little yesterday to find that mom has a little crush on her own doctor, his faced practically dropped.

I fell asleep on the couch then someone shook me a little to wake me up.

"Rory, Rory, wake up."
"Hey, Dr. Mitchell what's up?"
"Your mother is doing fine."

He sat near me as I sat up.

"What happened to her?"
"She cant eat any solid food. The cancer is getting really bad. Getting the most of her. We have to liquefy her food and feed it to her through a tube."
"Oh…..that's…..bad."
"Yeah. Your father's in there talking to your mother."
"My father?"

"Yeah, tough guy, backwards baseball cap and he's wearing a checkered t-shirt."
"No, that's not my dad. My dad is……my dad's in Boston."
"Really? Your parents are….."
"Separated? Yeah."
"Is my mom going to be okay?"

"Right now, it's hard to say. Just pray she will be."

"I do."

I felt so lost. In a maze, stuck, no where to go, no exit.

"Right now Rory, we have to keep your mother here. Until she gets better. She has to be here."
"She can't go home? Why not?!"
"Because if she goes home, she wont get better. There aren't enough machines or medicine to support her."
"Did you give her pain killers?"
"What?"
"Sorry, just out of the blue, did you give her those pain killers?"
"Yes, she was supposed to take them."
"If she didn't take them, would that affect her in any way?"
"Most probably. Listen, uhm, I have to get back to work, do you want me to tell the nurses to set up a cot for you to sleep in?"
"Sure, thanks."

The nurses brought in a cot, pillows and a blanket. But with my mother there, dying, I don't think I'd be able to sleep.

I feel so lost………….