Wild Cherry Chews
Woohoo! Aeris is back with part THREE. Which is the farthest I've gotten in any of my fics on Go me! –throws cookies at all of meh reviewers- All you mofos, review this whole story! NOW! Here goes Part THREE. Me no owny. Plus, there's Jim Gaffigan-ness in here! Wheee! I don't own Dr. Pepper either. GAWD I OWN NOTHING!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KALTMR. THIS IS FOR YOU. :D
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Chapter Three: Cause and Effect at Its Finest
All chaos wanted was a freakin' t-shirt. How hard is it to find a t-shirt? Especially in the middle of Second Miltia, where there are freakin' vendors selling t-shirts that read 'Get Chewed!' on them. Yet, it seemed that every single shirt vendor was out to lunch! At three in the afternoon, too. But wouldn't that be, like, rush hour for the t-shirt selling industry? chaos couldn't seem to figure it out. Poor, poor chaos.
There he was, walking around Second Miltia, shirtless on a hot day. Well, yeah. If it was cold, then why would he have his shirt off? Whatever. Underage girls were gawking at him, and some older women were gawking at him. Then there were the gay guys too. They gawked a lot. chaos also could have sworn he saw KOS-MOS eye him a few times when she thought he wasn't looking.
When they arrived at Shion's apartment complex, KOS-MOS ingeniously found an extra key in a hidden compartment on the top of her door frame. She popped it open and fumbled with the key a bit, then closed it again. She shoved the key in the lock, and twisted the doorknob open, stepping inside. There was a whistle from behind them, and chaos took a glance back, to see a man in tight leather jeans and a fishnet pink over shirt walking up the steps towards them. chaos pushed KOS-MOS inside of the apartment as quickly as he could, and then slammed the door behind them, exhaling. He reached towards the door and locked it eagerly.
"It seems that Shion is not home," KOS-MOS said.
"Well, thank you oh-so-much, Captain Obvious," chaos said, walking into her living room and throwing himself on her couch.
"…You are welcome," she replied, walking into Shion's living room and taking a seat in the recliner beside the window. The apartment may have been beside someone else's, but at the back, they had a view of the trees and the pool behind the main office. A very shiny pool, may I add. Also, which in, she'd gone for a midnight swim, only to find something resembling a Baby Ruth at the bottom of the pool. You get what I'm saying, right? She was honestly trying to find somewhere better to live, but couldn't seem to find anything at the moment, because she'd lost all her money on paying the rent. It was extremely high for the crappy apartments there. Six hundred a month. Crazy, right? Yeah.
"…Where is Shion anyway?" chaos said, breaking the silence that they were both sharing like dessert at Red Lobster.
"I do not know."
"…Can't you like, scan for her, or something?" chaos asked, looking at her and snuggling into the comfy couch he was lying on.
"…It is a possibility," she said almost lazily. chaos let out a groan, and rested his head on the green pillow upon the couch that was setting behind his head.
"Lazy butt," he said, pouting.
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As Shion walked back from Allen's work, she chewed on her piece of gum angrily, the thought of Allen doing nothing, and getting paid for it pissing her off more and more by the second. She kicked a beer bottle that had rolled out from a bum's hand on the street forcefully. Suddenly, her luck vanished, and the bottled soared into the air, air resistance seeming nonexistent with science at that point, and flew towards an old lady with a cane who was holding a grocery bag. Everything seemed to fall into slow motion.
"Watch out!" Shion screamed, pointing at the old woman. Unfortunately, she was hearing impaired, and the bottle didn't deter from its path of upcoming bodily injuries. Slow motion disappeared at the bottle smacked into the middle of the woman's neck, and the paper grocery bag went tumbling from her hand. Amazing how they still use those, right? Ahem…
"Oh, my God!" Someone yelled as the old lady fell to her knees, cane snapping in half. Shion arched an eyebrow. There was no way that a stupid beer bottle caused that much damage.
Curse the author… Curse her! Shion screamed at herself.
All the contents in the grocery back spilled across the street, and a person on a bicycle pressed on both their brakes at the same time, and went flying off the bike seat. They soared onto the top of a car, screaming in a very odd manner. The glass of the windshield cracked, and the car spun out of control, twisting towards a fire hydrant on the side of the street. The fire hydrant busted off of the cement of the sidewalk, and water spewed everywhere, drowning the old lady who had fallen on her face in water. Her dentures flew out of her mouth and were shot up in the stream of the water. She shrieked, her lips clinging to her gums as she tried to stand up, only to fall back down into a puddle of water because she slipped on the beer bottle again. The bottle flew into the street and smashed the window of a passing car. They too spun out of control.
"What the hell?" Shion muttered to herself in disbelief, jaw dropped. "No way."
The car slammed into the nearest building, which happened to be the local SPCA, and there were animal's cries heard. All of a sudden, cats and dogs ran everywhere, mewing and barking insanely as they jumped on people, cars, and even jumped into the fire hydrant's stream. Of course, it wasn't a cat that jumped into the hydrant's vicinity. The dog floated upon the shooting water in the air for a few moments, then the water suddenly stopped, and the dog fell atop the old lady on the ground who had been struggling to get up in the first place.
Suddenly, a news crew van slid up, tires screeching loudly. The side door flew open and out stepped a woman in a blue suit, wearing black stilletos, and her hair pulled back into a tight bun. Shion recognized her as the planetary newscaster, Pepper Price. She was an ex-hooker.
"This scene is radical! Just like spreading extreme peanut butter, which is nothing but PEANUTS! Boys, get the cameras rolling on this situation here!" She commanded, referring to the mass hysteria in the middle of the street, which was spreading like chicken pox. She tapped her lips and glanced at Shion.
"You, miss!" She said, pointing a at her. "Were you here when this first started?"
"Yes," Shion said truthfully, swallowing. Pepper approached her as quickly as she could without falling on her face.
"How did it all begin?" She asked dramatically.
"...Beer bottle," was all Shion could get out, pointing to the beer bottle in the middle of the street, which had surprisingly survived more than any normal bottle could.
"How intriguing!"
"Yeah, I suppose," Shion whispered, looking dazed. The whole hysteria going on was her fault... But she wasn't going to tell that on the universal news, was she! Okay, so it wasn't universal, it was only Second Miltia... But planetary news, still!
"David, Marty, get your asses over here! I'm going to interview Ms... What'syername?" She asked Shion.
"Shion Uzuki," Shion said, smiling slightly.
"Miss Uzuki. David... DAVID! Stop oogling at the woman with the wet white t-shirt and get over here!" David snapped into reality and jogged over to Pepper, Marty and Shion. He pulled up the boom over Shion and Pepper. Marty clicked on the camera and began filming.
"This is Pepper Price from the evening six o'clock news, with a live report from the streets of Second Miltia. We are currently investigating the spreading mass hysteria washing over the city like antifreeze! I'm here with Miss Shion Uzuki, who was here when it all started. Now, Miss Uzuki, how did it begin?" She questioned, turning to Shion, brushing some dull coppery hair out of her eyes.
"Um, someone kicked that beer bottle in the street," she said, pausing, expecting Marty to turn and take a shot of the beer bottle. "And it hit the old woman in the back of the neck. It was just cause and effect, I guess," Shion said, blinking.
"Ah, yes, cause and effect at its finest. Thank you very much Miss Cookie, now let me brief you on the situation in the city streets."
"It's Uzuki..."
"...Oh yes, I'm sure it is."
Shion walked away from the shot of the camera, then looked back, long enough to see David gawking at her, for her shirt had gotten wet too. The boom smacked Pepper in the side of the face roughly. She let out an 'aah!' and almost toppled over because of her black stilletos. Shion let out a laugh, then gripped her backpack tighter and began walking towards her apartments, wondering how long it would take her to find another job.
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"Do you know what time it is, KOS-MOS?" chaos questioned, opening his eyes from the nap he had been taking, which only lasted about fifteen minutes, for KOS-MOS began to fiddle with all the objects in Shion's household curiously, and loudly too.
"It is approximately six twenty-five PM," she said monotonously, poking something in the kitchen that looked much like a microwave. chaos glanced at her.
"What're you doing?"
"Examining this machinery," she replied, still poking buttons in an angry fashion.
"…Yeah, what is that?" chaos muttered.
"It's a microwave, now please stop poking my kitchen appliances, KOS-MOS," said a voice from the door, along with a jingle of a bunch of keys. KOS-MOS and chaos turned towards the door, to see Shion walking into the kitchen and tossing her keys on the counter-top and throwing her backpack onto the floor beside the small table she had next to the kitchen area.
"Hey, Shion," chaos said, giving her a smile. She didn't pay attention to him, and went into her room, claiming that she had to change her shirt. Thoughtlessly, chaos followed her in, where she had already stripped herself of her shirt, and was standing in front of her closet, rummaging through hangers in nothing but beat-up jean Capri's and a black, nearly see-through bra. Needless to say, chaos had quite a view. She glanced up, pulling her hair out of the bun she'd thrown it into on the way back home. She resisted the urge to let her jaw drop at his top-half nudeness. Sure he didn't have a six-pack, but it was a lovely sight after her and Allen's sexual drought.
"Uh, hello," she choked out, feeling her face turn a shade of red to match KOS-MOS's eyes. "Need something?" She asked, looking into her closet, and shuffling hangers from side to side.
"I was wondering if you had a shirt I could borrow," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching. He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off Shion's chest. "My shirt and my hoodie got killed by some idiot who threw a baseball at me." Shion laughed, and grabbed a sweater out of her closet. She pulled it over her head.
"Yeah, I do," she said, yanking out a rather large shirt that chaos guessed the slept in. She tossed it at him and he smiled at her.
"Thanks," he said, pulling the shirt over his head, and running a hand through his silvery hair, which he thought should be cut since he didn't work with Wild Cherry Chews Incorporated anymore. Yeah… He'd get it cut short, and start spiking it. Pimpin'. Hellz yeah.
"Not a problem," Shion said, sliding her closet doors shut, and brushing past chaos, making her way towards the kitchen. KOS-MOS glanced at her. Ooooooooh my god, Shion thought, looking at the floor, for she knew KOS-MOS would make some kind of comment any second.
"Shion."
"Yes?" Shion replied, opening her fridge and pulling out a Dr. Pepper. She sat down on the other side of the counter in between the kitchen and the living room on a stool.
"Are you dying?" KOS-MOS asked casually. Shion choked on her Dr. Pepper.
"What? No!"
"Your breathing was irregular when you walked into the room, and your face was rather flushed. Are you sure you are not dying of a sudden disease, such as a sudden mononuklieptikan cardiac arrest syndrome or SMCAS?" KOS-MOS inquired, looking as if she hadn't been more calm in her life.
"…Dying of WHAT?" Shion yelled, her eyes the size of about sixty wheels and axles. Slowly, chaos walked in.
"Who's dying of what?"
"I'm dying of sudden mono-monkey-nuclear-war-cap-i-tan cardiac arrest syndrome!" Shion choked out, her hand gripping her Dr. Pepper can in a terrified way.
"Mononuklieptikan."
"Er—interesting. Really," chaos said, throwing open Shion's fridge and grabbing a Dr. Pepper as Shion had.
"It seems as if chaos is too, as he is in a similar state. Or did you two engage in sexual intercourse while in Shion's bedroom, also known as… a quickie?"
"Uh--WHA! I'm dating Allen, KOS-MOS! How could you say that?"
"...YEAH, SHE'S DATING ALLEN AND I'M DATING... THIS... uh... STICK," chaos retorted, pulling a stick out of nowhere. (A/N: O.o; Oh my.) Shion went silent.
"...Where did you get that stick?" She questioned quietly, looking at him, terrified.
"...Uh... Good question," chaos said, his bottom lip twitching slightly. He walked to the window on the other side of the kitchen, opened the window and tossed it out carelessly.
"HOSHIT MY EYE!" Shion scratched the back of her neck nervously, then hopped up onto the counter top.
"Anyways," she began as chaos stepped away from the window, whistling innocently, but glancing at the window in a terrified manner. Shion cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Who was out there?" She asked, giving him an evil look.
"Um… I don't know?" chaos lied horribly.
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon… NOW DIE!" A voice screamed. Shion groaned. She recognized that stupid voice so easily. Suddenly, a blurred figure appeared in Shion's kitchen. As a matter of fact, they teleported, and were sitting on Shion's lap.
"HEY!" Shion yelled, the person cutting off the circulation to her legs. "Get offa me!"
"Yo, mah homie fries!" The person yelled, coming into focus after a few seconds of flailing on Shion's lap.
"Albedo!" chaos said in a stern voice, going into a sudden battle stance. Albedo narrowed his eyes at chaos.
"Watch it, angel boy. You don't have your little glovies on. Can't touch this!" Albedo did a grinding motion, and Shion screamed in his ear. He let out a girly shriek, then fell off her lap with a thump. He stood up, and chaos's face contorted in disgust. Poor Albedo had that stick in his eye! Needless to say, it was graphic as well!
"… Your eye!" Shion shrieked, covering her own eyes as Albedo poked KOS-MOS's shiny armor. KOS-MOS glared at him intensely.
"Touch me again and I will destroy you," she said simply.
"I can' t beeeee destroyed, don'tcha know?" Albedo said in a whiney voice that reminded Shion of her little demon cousin Alexis, who liked to try and walk in on her and Allen gettin' their groove on. Suddenly, Albedo ripped his head off. Shion let out another scream, even though she couldn't see anything. She could sense it.
"Shion, you can't even see anything, and you're screaming," Albedo said casually.
"But I can sense it! Oh, how I can sense it! I can sense it with my ESPN!" She squealed, kicking angrily. Albedo let out a scream of pain.
"That was me crotch, lass!" He said weakly, before closing his eyes of his reanimated head, and passing out.
"He made me blind! That's the second time today I've been blind!" Shion yelled hysterically, squirming frantically. Sighing, chaos stepped over Albedo's unconscious body, and removed Shion's hands from her eyes for her. She gasped, and smiled at him.
"Thank you, chaos! You and your healing powers have saved me from a life of eternal blindosity!" Shion threw herself at chaos, wrapping her arms around his neck, making small 'squee' noises.
"Shion… You had your hand over your eyes. Remember with your brain." KOS-MOS reprimanded this time. Shion let go of chaos, and giggled stupidly.
"Oooh yeah!" She glanced down at Albedo. "What do we do with him?" She asked, kicking him in the side. He didn't stir.
"Let's throw him down a flight of stairs," KOS-MOS suggested. Shion looked up at KOS-MOS.
"…That's a good idea," chaos said, nodding. They all looked at each other, then down at Albedo, deciding his painful fate.
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It was late. Very late. Late as in, like three in the morning late. Or early. Whichever you prefer. As well as being late/early, it was cold. Cold as in, like 30 degrees Fahrenheit cold, and you're wearing nothing but booty shorts, flip-flops, and a bikini top. That kind of cold.
"Uuugh, mommy…" A low groan came from the bottom of the metal, even colder steps, along with a few cracking bones. "Oh!"
"Are you alright?" Someone asked, leaning over the awakening body.
"Uhn… I think so," the person replied. They quickly snapped into consciousness, only to realize that they were laying at the bottom of a flight of metal, icy cold stairs. They stood up, only to have their ankle crack dramatically, and fall back down.
"What's your name?" The other person asked, nudging them.
"My name's Albedo, and stop touching me!" Albedo yelled harshly, smacking the person on their arm.
"Ow!"
"This is all Rubedo's fault," Albedo whispered, coming to a conclusion. "If it hadn't been for him, I would never be here today! I would have never got that stick in my eye!"
"Geostigma? Are you Cloud?" The person asked, touching Albedo's shoulder.
"Get OFF me!" Albedo yelled, flailing about. "This is all Rubedo's fault! Rubedo, mark my words, I will hunt you down and carry out my revenge! HE IS THE CAUSE, AND THIS IS THE EFFECT!" Albedo had screamed this at the top of his lungs, clenching his fists, and losing air, only to choke.
"I WILL HUNT. YOU. DOWN. RUBEDO!" Albedo screamed even louder, awakening some of the apartment residents. He collapsed, losing consciousness again. The person poked Albedo, then laughed in a quite maniacal way.
"I have another sla-ave, oh yes I doooo," they sang quietly, as they hopped up the steps, grabbed Albedo's arms, and dragged them up towards their apartment.
"Slavey, slavey, slaaaaaavey…"
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YES YES YES IT'S DONE! I am SO HAPPY! I finally finished this chapter, even if I had to cut it off, like WHOA shorter than I wanted it to be. Chapter four will definitely make up for that. And to KOS-MOS rox, the end of chapter four will make up for this too! I'm sorry about that! I just wanted to finish this and put it up! Wheeee!
Revieeeeeeew! –insert desperate plea here-
OMG! FF7:AC was sooo sad. I just saw it 2 nights ago, and I watched it last night too. Waah…. I love Aeris! She's lyke omgah kewl! I kept crying everytime I heard her voice or whatever… I just got it that the guy in the wheelchair was… Well, I'm not going to spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it.
GO SEE IT! IT'S AMAZING! Okay, now review, please. KTHXBAI!
-Aeris
