Dedication: Dedicated (with permission) to the talented and generous Vic Mignogna, for his portrayal of Edward Elric in the Fullmetal Alchemist series and movie, which inspired this whole crazy madness to begin with.
Interlude in Starlight
A gust of wind rushes by, bringing with it the dusty scent of drying leaves, and I can't help but shiver. Though it is only October, the wind carries with it a chill, a hint of winter to come, a feeling that has only intensified since the sun set. Still, I merely pull my coat closer to my body and continue my meandering walk, moving from one pool of yellow lamplight to the next. I have no real purpose or destination in mind for my journey, except that I needed time to think, and the best way to do that was to stay late working at the lab, and take the longest, most wandering route home afterwards.
I dreamed about her again last night, about Winry. This time, she was here, in New York. She walked through the door as if it was the most natural thing in the world and smiled as she met my eyes. In two long strides, she crossed the room to wrap her arms around me. Burying her face in my neck, she whispered, "I love you. I've waited so long to see you again."
The long denied words spilled from my mouth in response, "I love you too." Her arms gripped me tighter at the admission, as if she was afraid I would disappear in smoke if she let go. I continued whispering into her hair, wishing I could make a thousand apologies, but all that came out was a simple "I'm sorry for making you wait."
And before I could do anything more, she disappeared before my eyes, the warm softness of her against me fading as her body turned to smoke. I woke then, the sunlight in my face.
In my dream, I knew it was her, and not this world's version of her. There are some in this world say that every person is destined for only one person, that their souls call out to each other and they feel a sense of rightness , of happiness, of contentment. Maybe some part of my dream recalled this superstition and applied it. I don't believe in the idea, but somehow, in my dream, I knew it was Winry who walked through that door.
Her hair had smelled of lilacs and freshly cut metal, and even now, more than half a day after the dream faded, I still recall how real it all felt, how I woke with the lingering warmth of her in my arms.
This wasn't the first dream I've had of her. They always end the same way, though in the previous one I had opened the door to the little suite of rooms Al and I now rented and found myself stepping into the Rockbell house. That time I had kissed her. The dream before I had been on a train and she was waiting for me at the Risembool station. And before that, she knocked on the door of our cabin on the ship Al and I took across the Atlantic Ocean. And on and on and on.
I think I've had sixteen different versions of this dream, all slightly different, all ending the same. Every time I've woken up alone, the dream lingering in my mind like perfume. I sometimes wish that I could forget her, could make these dreams end. I don't want to wake up feeling so achingly alone. But the greater part of me wishes fervently that the dreams will continue, because this is all I have left of her, these bittersweet dreams spun of memory and longing.
The thought of how I realized too late how much I loved her makes me raise my eyes heavenward, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something out there, some deity that watches over all the worlds who decided to teach me a lesson for being an unapologetic atheist. The moment passes and I find myself staring at the stars above my head, unconsciously picking out the constellations from my childhood.
It still surprises me sometimes that the stars I see here are the same ones I saw back in my own world. Somehow, it feels like the stars should be different, that they shouldn't look just like the ones I used to see lying in the grass with Al and Winry on a cool autumn night. The constellation that catches my eye is the Three Apples, though in this world it is known as The Bear. It was Winry's favorite because she never saw a way for Al and I to fight over it, being a set of three and all, though we did try our hardest to prove her wrong.
I wish... I wish I could make myself believe that as I'm staring up into the sky on this cool autumn night, Winry's staring out into the same sky. That thought used to comfort me as I traveled with Al, thinking that even though we were on our own, there were people who cared about us staring up at the same stars we were saw. But now, I know that the stars I see every night aren't the same ones she sees, that I am truly cut off from her in this world. I wish that the same starlight still fell on both of us, that there was even that faint, wavering connection between us. But all I have left are my dreams and memories, and starlight that leaves me colder and emptier than the wind ever could.
Additional Notes:
Constellations: The Bear/Three Apples - Both of these refer to the constellation known as Ursa Major, which is at least partially visible from the Northern Hemisphere at all times of the year. Ursa Major contains the Big Dipper, and is identified by almost all civilizations as a bear. However, the Greeks identified the three brightest stars of the constellation as the Three Apples, which inspired the myth of the immortality granting golden apples of Hesperides that were included in the labours of Hercules (Heracles). However, they should not be confused with the golden apple that caused discord between Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite and indirectly began the Trojan War.
