The sun beats down on the back of my neck, sending a bead of sweat rolling down my forehead. I swipe it away with my palm and bury my hand back in the sizzling hot sand. The sand is burning hot but it's cooler to have my hands and feet buried in it, that's how hot of a day it turned out to be. I slide back so my butt is fully on the orange towel I laid down and I gaze out into the beautiful blue ocean water. Some people find it scary how the ocean seems to go on forever when you look out into the horizon but I think that's part of what makes the ocean so mystifying. It's a crazy thought when I think about the world beyond what that horizon doesn't show. It looks as if the Earth drops off clean at the end of that ocean but I know that it doesn't and that's truly something to think about. Busy chatter and boisterous laughter fills the air around me and the solemn squawking of the seagulls flying overhead is a pleasant background noise. Out in the waters too deep for anything but boats to be exploring into, gigantic waves are starting and by the time they make it to the shore, they break and gently roll up just inches away from where my feet are resting. The tide sloshes up a piece of seaweed and drags it back down gently.
I turn my head and look to the left of me, just to make sure she's still doing okay. Lyla is sitting right next to me with a mound of sand on her lap and her tiny toes sticking out the bottom. She's senselessly sucking on a yellow pacifier and concentrating on weaving her red shovel in and out of the sand mound on her lap. I know that parents are supposed to do away with pacifiers once the child has a mouthful of teeth but the pacifier is comforting to her and I'm in no position to take that away. Jenna was doing really well with weaning her off the pacifier but of course, I didn't quite know how to keep up with it and she's back to being hooked on it now. She scoops some sand up with her shovel and adds it to the pile on her lap. She doesn't know that I'm watching her so intently. Her hand comes up to her face and she takes out her pacifier. I watch as she gathers a handful of sand and heads straight for her mouth with it. "No, Lyla." I smack the sand out of her hand and she looks at me like she doesn't realize she was doing anything wrong. "That's cucka. You don't want that." I sweep her hand clean of sand and shove her pacifier back in her mouth instead. "You don't want to eat the sand. It's no good."
She picks her shovel back up and starts adding more sand to her pile again. I rest my arms on my knees since my legs are bent and I'm tall enough to comfortably do so. We've been here for an hour, I think. We've been here for a while and all she's done so far is sit here quietly and dig around in the sand. Her trying to eat it is the only thing action-packed that she's done. She couldn't have wanted to come to the beach just to sit here and dig in the sand. I look at her again and this time, she's sprinkling a handful of sand on her toes. "...You wanna go in the water?" She looks at me when I ask her that and her pacifier stops bobbing. "Come on...I'll take you." Immediately, she drops her shovel and the handful of sand and holds her arms out for me to pick her up. I pick myself up off the towel I've spent the last hour sitting on and pull my black wife-beater off. I didn't plan on taking this off but I fold it up and put it on the towel anyway. I pick Lyla up off the ground and send the mountain of sand she had on her lap tumbling to the ground.
I'm not good at this single dad thing just yet and playing both her mother and her father is challenging in itself. Before I got in the car to drive here, I tried to put myself in Jenna's mindset. I tried to pack our beach bag the way I thought Jenna would pack it and so I packed an extra swimming diaper, three towels, her shovel and pail and sunblock. I thought I had everything I needed...but I forgot her damn floaties. I never knew just how much I depended on Jenna to take care of her until she was gone. Now I don't even have her around to ask questions. I can't help but think she'd be disappointed in the lack of bond I have with our daughter and how sorry I actually am at being a dad. My mom once told me that if a perfect stranger were to walk in my house, they would think that I didn't even love my daughter—and that's totally not true. I love her with all my heart...I just don't know how to relate to the kid. Once we get to the shallow shore, I put Lyla down and let her get her toes wet to see how she likes the water. The water is warm today. She looks down and wiggles her toes in the wet sand. I don't hear her complaining, so I hold her hand nice and tight and lead her deeper into the water.
A small wave breaks over her little body and while one of her arms is occupied by holding my hand, she brings her other arm around and hooks it around my leg. She's shivering and I'm not sure if it's because she's cold or if it's because she's scared at the fact that a wave can be taller than she is. "It's alright. It's just water." I look down at her and she looks away from me. She rests her head against my leg and holds me tight. In the water directly in front of us, two women that appear to be around my age are staring and saying "awww" at how cute the sight of my daughter hanging on to my leg is. No matter where I take her, someone almost always comments on how beautiful she is. Lyla doesn't get called "cute" very often, she gets called "beautiful" more than anything. She is rather beautiful, if I do say so myself. Her hair is light brown, half a shade away from actually being considered blonde and her eyes are green, but they're not the usual green. They're a perfect mixture of a very light green and a light brown. They could even be mistaken as blue in some lighting. She doesn't get called cute because she's not cute as much as she's pretty. Jenna used to love getting compliments on her appearance and that's one way we're different because I could care less. I already know she's a pretty little girl and I don't really need people to tell me that. "You want to get out?" She shakes her head. "You want me to pick you up?"
She hesitantly releases my leg and toddles backward a little bit before she holds her arms up again. I pick her up once more and she wraps her legs around my hip. I take her further into the water and let a couple waves break over us. She puts one of her hands out to touch a wave as it breaks and when it splashes her, she looks at me and smiles through her pacifier. "I told you it was just water...that's fun, isn't it?" I walk further into the water and take her off my hip. Her hands are holding onto my arms so tightly that her fingernails are starting to leave indentations. "I'm not going to drop you. I promise I'm not going to drop you." I hold onto her body around her torso firmly and hold her outwards so the water can hit her. The water hits her legs and she finally cracks a bigger smile, which actually makes me smile too. She hasn't been smiling much since her mother died and while I don't actually blame her for not having a reason to smile, I admit that I missed her smile quite a bit. I put her down in the deeper end of the water and hold onto her hand with my life. "When a wave comes, we have to jump okay? So when I tell you to jump...you have to jump." She squeezes my hand and nods her head. "Jump!" I don't have to jump since I'm tall enough to let the wave break over me but she jumps and the water hits her in her chest and her neck and she keeps jumping.
"Daddy, this is fun!" She's jumping up and down with the brightest smile on her face so I take her pacifier out of her mouth so she doesn't lose it. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I have some common ground with my daughter. She's laughing and smiling, I'm laughing and smiling and it's a good feeling to know that I'm actually doing something that she's having fun with. I've tried countless times to make things fun for her the way Jenna used to but I'm rather bad at it. Like once, I tried to play Barbie dolls with her and we had a tea party but I don't think she had fun with it. "Daddy, I jumping! I jumping!" She's holding my hand but she's jumping up and down like a rabbit and squealing with delight. "Daddy, watch this!" She lets my hand go and briefly, a wave of panic washes over my body but it goes away as I see that she's still standing close. "Watch this!" She holds her nose shut with her thumb and index finger and squats down so her face is all the way underwater. She stays under for about four seconds before she pops back up. "Ta-da!"
"Wow." I grab her hand and help her stand back up. "How did you do that? I can't even stay under that long. You have really strong lungs, girl. Real strong." I can always tell when Lyla is thinking about me and only me whenever we're in public because she starts talking. Back when we were sitting on the sand, she was real shy and concerned about the fact that there were a lot of people around us but now, she's talking a whole lot more and focusing on it only being the two of us having fun right now. This talking thing would change if someone came over and said hi or something. "Can you teach daddy how to hold his breath like that?" I hold both of her hands and swing her around by them, which makes her laugh all over again. I should probably get her something to eat. "What do you say we go get something to eat?" I hoist her up and put her on my shoulders and she rests her hands on top of my head. "You wanna see if they got any hot dogs? And maybe some ice cream?"
"Can I have a hangibber?" Her hands are lightly tapping the crown of my head and I'm holding onto her feet. "I don't want a hot dog, daddy...can I have a hangibber 'stead?"
"Yeah, I'll get you a hamburger." I walk back to our beach towel on the shore and grab her arms to take her off my shoulders. I'm guessing she forgot all about my lasagna promise. I'll ask my dad to make her lasagna for dinner tomorrow because even though she clearly forgot that I promised her lasagna, I didn't forget and on the off chance that she remembers between now and tomorrow that I promised her lasagna, I don't want her to think that her daddy makes promises and never sticks to them. I kneel down and rummage through the navy blue and white striped beach bag that I packed for my wallet. I stick my wallet in the pocket of my wet swimming trunks and stand back up. "Come on, Lyla." I drape a towel over my shoulder and hold my hand out for her to take it but she doesn't. "Lyla, I said come on...come on."
"...Uppy." She holds her arms up to me but her head is turned and she's looking at the fact that there's a bunch of people around again. I don't really know how to break her out of this shyness that she has about her but I don't want her to feel nervous, so I pick her up anyway. She starts twisting her index finger through a lock of my wavy hair. She likes to play with my hair and my ears for comfort. She used to lay on Jenna's lap and rub either her hair or her ear until she fell asleep and I've noticed that she often does it when she's scared or nervous. I've been learning a lot about my daughter in the last six months. I learn something new about her every day. "Daddy, I pee peed. I pee peed in the pool."
"Yeah?" I carry her towards the tiki building so we can get something to eat in the cafeteria. "Everybody in there probably peed too, you're not the only one." I take the towel I put over my shoulder and wrap it around her body instead because I'm pretty sure I felt her shiver a little bit against my chest. I pull open the door to the tiki bar and put my hand against her back so she can stay calm. There are a lot of people in here eating right now and I don't want her to worry. I stand in line behind a teenage boy and take my wallet out of my pocket so I have it ready when it's time to pay. Lyla is still looking around at everyone but me and I can tell that she's scoping out the scene. "Lyla..." I tap her leg to get her attention and she looks at me. I don't want her looking around and making herself nervous so if I can keep her attention, that'd be great. "You hear what song's playing?" She nods her head. "Sing it. Sing it. Say, 'there she was just a-walkin' down the street singin'..." I try to keep her engaged here.
I worry about Lyla getting herself too worked up because I know what happens when she does work herself up. She'll cry so hard that she'll gag herself and eventually, she'll throw up. I remember the last time I witnessed Lyla freak out over having too many people around her. The last time I saw Lyla freak out over having too many people around her was the day of Jenna's funeral, when everyone was bringing over platters of food and offering their condolences. I had a house of about 30 or 40 people and Lyla shut herself in Jenna's closet and didn't come out for six hours. Every time I went in there to get her, she would scream and kick at me and tell me to leave her alone. It took six hours for her to cry herself to sleep and when I went in the closet to get her, I found her cuddled up with Jenna's shoe. I think part of the reason she gets so anxious and nervous when there's a lot of people around her is because it reminds her of that day.
"Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo." She swings her legs and giddily picks up the song where I left it off. Singing with her to keep her mind off the fact that there are a lot of people around seems to be working pretty well. Since the boy in front of us got his food already, I move up in the line and look at the menu. I'll get her a hamburger and some french fries and an apple juice. And for myself, I'll get a hamburger too and a corn dog, instead of french fries and a Pepsi. "Daddy, I want shockalit ice cream. And sprinkles. Can I get sprinkles?" She avoids eye contact with the lady that's taking our order.
"You can get whatever you want...but no ice cream until after you eat your real food." I rub her back in a circle just to let her know that I've still got her and as long as I've got her, I won't let anything happen to her. It works because once I rub her back, she goes ahead and looks the woman in her eye. "We'll have...a hamburger and french fries...a corn dog, another hamburger and apple juice and a Pepsi, please." The woman behind the counter is taking my order but I can tell that she's not focused. She's looking at me like every young woman in/around Millerton looks at me. Everyone in and around Millterton knows that my wife died and I'm newly single and because everyone knows that, I can't understand why people would think that it's okay to look at me the way a bunch of young women look at me. I don't really have the heart to tell the girls that I'm not interested in dating; not now, not ever. Then again, I don't feel like I should have to tell them that I'm not interested. They should automatically know, considering the fact that my wife just died six months ago.
"That'll be $23.27, sir." She gives me a flirtatious half-smile and just to be polite, I give her a smirk before I sift through my wallet for a twenty dollar bill and a five. She has a nameplate on her black button-down Polo shirt that says, "Emily." She has bright red hair with brown highlights in it and blonde lowlights. She's tall and her brown eyes fit her face, which has high cheekbones and a thin nose. I hand her thirty dollars and wait for my change. I shove the change into my wallet and slip it back in my pocket. Emily looks at me from head-to-toe and then her eyes finally fall on Lyla. "...Hi beauty. What's your name?" She smiles at Lyla and reveals that she has very bright, straight white teeth. Lyla turns her head away from her again and starts messing with my hair again.
"She's just shy..." I explain, just so she doesn't think that Lyla is rude or bratty. I pat her back. "Tell her your name..."
"...Lyla." She looks at the girl and touches my ear. "Daddy can we go sit down? I wanna sit down..."
"We have to wait for our food though." I give up on trying to get her to feel comfortable. "Yeah, she's just shy. Her name's Lyla." Emily is still smiling, clearly trying to flirt with me. Before Jenna passed, we were married for seven years; which means I was off the market for seven whole years. I might have been off the market for that long but I still know what it means when girls smile at you and rock back and forth on their feet and try to act all womanly and ladylike. I'm not cocky, but I could have any woman in and around Millerton that I want. Everywhere I go, I get giggles from women, smiles, sneaky pickup lines...all of that. And the truth is that I don't care. Maybe it's because Jenna's death is still fresh, but I'm truthfully not interested in dating anytime soon, if ever. I just want to focus on Lyla, really.
"Well she's just beautiful." Emily turns around and grabs a red tray with all our food on it. She hands the tray over. "Here you are."
"Thanks." I hold the tray with the hand I'm not using to keep Lyla on my hip. "Come on, Ly. Let's go eat."
I never actually realized how nice Millteron is until just now, driving through it while coming back from the beach. It's a small town sure, but it wouldn't be Millerton if it wasn't small. I can see why Jenna wanted to live here so badly; it really is a safe place to raise our daughter. I drive past The Lobster Hut and see that it's pretty empty for a Sunday night. The weekends are usually packed at The Lobster Hut so I'm surprised to only see a total of five cars in the parking lot. People from out of town come to Millerton just to eat at The Lobster Hut. It's a pretty nice oceanside restaurant but I'm not sure the food is good enough to leave one town just to come to it. The sun is beginning to set and the weather is a lot cooler than it was this afternoon at the beach, which makes riding through Millerton with my windows down quite nice. Owning a car in Millerton is pretty pointless when everything—and I do mean everything—is within walking distance. The library, the grocery store, the pharmacy, the gas station, the fire station, the police station. And if you need something that you can't find here in Millerton, Pensacola is less than half an hour drive from here and you can find whatever you need in that city. I think the only reason people around here own a car is to have some place to store their groceries when they need to go shopping.
As I turn onto the street that will take us home, I glance in my rear view mirror to make sure Lyla's still alright back there. She's lying down on the backseat, fast asleep with her pacifier in her mouth. As soon as I put her in the car to come home, she was out like a light. Seeing her lying asleep on the backseat like that makes me think back to when Jenna and I used to take her to the nearly every day. She would go run around in the water and dig sand holes much like she did today. We'd take her to get an ice cream cone and that would be the end of our day. And just like today, as soon as Lyla would hit the backseat, she'd pass out. Seeing her asleep makes it feel like we're back to the old days but as soon as I look over to my right and see the empty passenger's seat beside me, that feeling goes away. It'll never be the same without Jenna. I creep into the driveway and turn the car off. I get out and shut my door softly so I don't wake her up. I walk around to the back and open up the back door. I gather up our beach bag and then I grab her. I situate her on my shoulder and bump the door shut with my hip.
"Alex! Alex!" Mrs. Jensen calls to me from across the street, as if she had been waiting for me to return all day and she's afraid she might miss me now that she's finally got my attention. I keep my arms securely around Lyla's body and start walking towards her house. She's hurrying down her walkway and opening her gate. I meet her halfway and we're standing in the middle of the street. She's in her nightclothes, I believe. "Someone have a little too much fun at the beach?" She brushes sleeping Lyla's hair away from her face and turns her attention back to me. "Did you ride through town on your way back?" I nod my head. "Well did you see that Agent McKinley is putting that old house up?" This is Mrs. Jensen's version of hot gossip and every time she learns something that I might not already know, she feels as if it's her duty to report it to me. "You know, that house down where Mr. Kirkwood used to live? The one that sits in the way back? McKinley is putting it up for sale...said he'll accept the best offer he can get."
"Oh, really?" I have to pretend to be extremely interested in the fact that she's talking about something I could care less about. "He's probably only gonna get like a hundred for it. That place is a dump." She's talking about this old, one bedroom house that's been abandoned for as long as I can remember. It's over on the other side of Millerton, about two neighborhoods over from us and it really is a dump. Last time I road past it, the paint was chipping off, the steps caved in and the shutters were falling off. There used to be talk of turning it into a haunted house attraction for Halloween around here but it never went through. "No one's gonna want to move in that place."
"I was thinking about making an offer on it and maybe turning it into my greenhouse but it's a little far off from me." She goes back to touching Lyla's hair and I really wish she wouldn't because I don't want her to wake her up but I don't tell her to stop. Mrs. Jensen always wanted grandkids but her children never had any. They're around my age so maybe someday they'll have them since they still have time but it's unlikely. She uses Lyla as a substitute granddaughter for that reason. She'll often bring the dog over in the yard to let Lyla play with him, she'll give her popsicles and send her a plate of cookies over if she bakes. Truth be told, Mrs. Jensen and Jenna were good friends and the two of us were not. Jenna used to be a book club with Mrs. Jensen before she got sick. When she got sick, she didn't have the energy to do much of anything besides lie in the bed and watch the Hallmark Channel. I think because she and my wife were close, Mrs. Jensen feels like she has to talk to me every time she sees me but that's not the case. I wouldn't be the least bit offended if she just waved at me as we were passing. She doesn't have to talk to me. Secretly, I think that by talking to me, it's her own way of seeing how I'm doing without Jenna. "Whoever he decides to put in it, I hope they don't bring the neighborhood down. Millerton is a quiet place and I'd like to keep it that way."
"Yeah, me too." I hope she doesn't stand here and keep me in this boring, pointless conversation for too much longer because I have stuff I need to do. I need to get Lyla in the bath and to bed for the night. I need to wash the dishes I left in the kitchen sink this morning. I need to call my dad and make sure he knows that he needs to be over my house by 5:15 tomorrow morning so I can be at work by 6:00. I need to shower myself and be in bed by 9:00. "I'd better get her to bed..." I make up a quick excuse as to why I have to leave. "I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow, Mrs. Jensen."
"Take care over there, Alex. And send that pretty little girl over to me sometime if you need a break. She can help me out back while I bathe the dog." She retreats back to her house and I walk across the street to my own.
"Will do." I close my gate and walk up the steps so I can finally take Lyla into the house.
