The days went by in a blur, the nightmares a frequent visitor. The pills provide sporadic relief, so she keeps taking them. She mostly just tries to keep busy, keep her mind from wandering. She went to class, worked on mixes, hung out with Chloe, hung out with Jesse, worked at the station, had Bellas practice. Her times with Chloe became more and more frequent, as she became a frequent visitor as well, but a much more welcome one. For some reason Beca can't fathom, Chloe really likes hanging out with her. Chloe brings joy to everything and even though she's a big bubble of energy, it's relaxing to be with her. Like she doesn't have to try as hard. And they can be perfectly fine just sitting in silence, enjoying one another's presence. It's not always a discussion, which is nice. No pressure to be anything, or fill the silence. Free to just be. Or not be.
Tonight, Beca was anxious to get back to her room because Kimmy Jin has a night class, so she could count on having the room to herself after Bellas practice. Once she got home, she found her acoustic guitar, which hid under her bed, because for whatever reason she didn't want everybody knowing about her acoustic skills. So she kept it a secret and pulled it out from time to time. It helped her get back to basics. Plus "Titanium" sounded really good stripped raw. She was strumming along, singing to herself, when suddenly the door was swinging open, and who else but Chloe was sitting next to her on the bed in a second, Beca barely having time to register what was happening.
"Oh my God, Beca I didn't know you played guitar!" Chloe said excitedly.
"Um...yea well I didn't think it was anything to share. You know one usually knocks then waits for a person to open the door before barging in." Chloe tilts her head in mock confusion. "But I must remember this is YOU and you have no problem at all barging in showers, so..."
"Beca Mitchell, if I didn't barge in, you wouldn't ever let me in. So barge I must. And again, it was your voice that made me do it. I had no control."
"Mmhmm, ok." Beca starts to put her guitar away, but Chloe grabs her arm.
"Wait! What are you doing? You're not stopping are you? Will you play something for me? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplea se!" Chloe begs, already armed with her puppy dog eyes and protruding lower lip.
"I don't really play for other people, Chloe." Beca says firmly.
"Yea but it's me." Chloe says, like this solves everything.
"Oh well when you put it that way, how could I have not considered that?" Beca replies sarcastically.
"So that's a yes?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Well of course you have a choice..."
"Yea, but if I don't you'll just pout."
"Excuse me I do not pout."
Beca raises an eyebrow at Chloe.
"I don't! I just...linger in my feelings. It's different. Please Beca! I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you, but like I said I could hear you through the door before I knocked and it just sounded so amazing. Plus you won't let me listen to your mixes, which I really don't understand wh-."
"Ugh, fine." Beca grumbles, cutting her off. "But this is a one time deal, okay? Just this once."
"Really? Yay! And yes of course...just this once!" Chloe replies a little too agreeable for Beca's liking, because let's be honest Chloe has no intentions of sticking to this deal.
Beca situates herself more comfortably so she can play. She faces Chloe, who's looking at her as if she's waiting for her favorite band to hit the stage, so expectantly. She's trying to hate this more than she really is, but there's actually a little excitement building up in her. It's not that she's not confident in her voice or playing, but the thought of playing to someone like this just feels too intimate, too close. But she figures if it's gonna happen, she'd want it to be with Chloe.
"Any requests?" Beca asks sarcastically, but then sees Chloe genuinely thinking, so she backtracks. "I was kidding." She notices the disappointment in Chloe's eyes so she adds, already regretting the words before they come out. "We'll save requests for the next unplugged session."
"The next one?" Chloe asks, not being able to hide the excitement.
"Chloe we both know you're not going to let this be a one time only thing."
"Beca!" she mockingly gasps. "I'm disappointed you don't have faith in me to keep my word."
"Mmhmm, I'm sure you are. Okay pipe down, let's just get this over with."
"Yes, get it over with, please." Chloe replies, grinning.
Beca smirks back at her, softly clears her throat, finds the chords she wants, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
Hush now, watch the stars fall
Into a fire wall
I am waiting here
Waiting for you to come home
Sinking embers glow
Melting icy snow
And I am waiting here
Waiting for you to come home
And I watch them burn
When will I ever learn?
If I wait it doesn't mean
You will return
And I watch them burn
When will I ever learn?
If I wait it doesn't mean
You will return
Now all the stars have gone
Faded into cracks of dawn
And I'm still waiting here
Waiting for you to come home
I am waiting here
Waiting for you to come home
She doesn't look up at Chloe during the song at all, focusing on strumming and where she's placing her fingers, or just closing her eyes. After the last strum of the guitar, she just hums a capella, the same little humming part from the song, keeping her eyes down. When silence becomes the only thing heard in the room, she decides to look up at Chloe, whose blue eyes are wide, transfixed on her, and her mouth is kind of half hanging open.
"That was...AMAZING Beca!"
"Really? You liked it?"
"Ohmygod YES! I mean, first of all, good choice with Norah, and second...and more important...you sounded...it was just..." she seemed to be at a loss for words, which is something of a rarity for the redhead. Beca can't help but laugh softly at her inability to speak. "Thank you," is what she finally settles on.
"You're welcome." Beca says, laying her guitar down.
"No, really." Chloe grabs Beca's wrists, looking at her so intently it's almost comical. "Thank you, Beca. Thank you for doing that for me. I think I just fell in love with you!"
"Um...?" she stammers awkwardly.
Chloe just giggles. "Relax, Beca I'm not gonna jump you," she says with a playful grin. Her smile fades a little when she asks, "So...was that song about someone in particular?"
Beca sighs, debating whether to answer. She surprises herself a little when the words just start pouring out, before she can really stop herself. "My dad. He split from my mom when I was 15. But they hadn't been good for a while before that. There was lots of yelling. Then silence. Then yelling. It was a Thursday, the day he left for good. I remember being so sure he'd come back. There were plenty of times where'd he leave for a couple days here and there, after a really bad fight, but he'd always come back. My mom was tough to deal with sometimes, I know, but, I didn't think he'd just up and leave us and then one day he did. And it got bad...with my mom. I'd just sing those words over and over - And I'm still waiting here, Waiting for you to come home," she sings softly. "I just wanted him to come back and fix everything. But that never happened. We've never really resolved anything between us. I mean, he's apologized and stuff, but the elephant in the room has basically taken up permanent residence. I don't know if we'll ever get back to normal. I think this deal we made about him helping me move to LA after this year is his way of trying."
Chloe grabs Beca's hand, and she flinches a little, her natural reaction to pull away, but lets her hand rest. She turns her hand over in Chloe's, intertwining their fingers, studying the movements as she moves her thumb in a circular motion around Chloe's palm. She can feel Chloe's eyes on her, but won't meet them.
"Beca...," Chloe says softly,
Beca drops her hand and stands up.
"Um hey I gotta go, I have a big test tomorrow and I really need to hit the library and study, so..."
"I can help you if you want, make flashcards and quiz you or something," Chloe offers.
"No that's okay, it's not really that kind of test." She starts to throw some things in her bag, but then realizes she didn't know why Chloe came here in the first place. "Oh by the way, did you need something, why did you come over?"
"Oh um...ya know what I don't even remember. Must have not been important," Chloe says, and Beca can tell she'snot being truthful, but can't bring herself to confront Chloe about it.
"Okay well, I'll walk ya out. And thanks for the offer on studying, I just need to really focus, that's all..."
"Yea, no I get it. No worries."
Why does it feel so awkward right now? What is Chloe not saying? Nope, don't go there, she thinks. She doesn't even want to know, even though she has a feeling what it might be. But if that's even remotely true, she can't even think about that right now. It's not possible anyway. No way.
They're just outside Beca's building, just standing in awkward silence. Why is Chloe being awkward right now? She's never awkward. Okay, just walk away Beca - this is ridiculous.
"Alright, see ya Chloe!" she says, in a voice that is less like her own and more like a robot that's had too many Redbulls. Chloe gives her a funny look, but goes along.
"Ok, see ya."
Beca just stands there for a second, then turns on her heels and walks away. She gets to the library, not needing to go in, since she didn't actually have a test tomorrow to study for. But she knows it's the one place right now Chloe won't be. She decides to just go in anyway, finding a quiet and deserted area to be in. She just needs to get a grip in her head right now. These feelings for Chloe were a little overwhelming. These feelings for Chloe. She doesn't even know what to think of that. She's never really had feelings, especially like this, for another person, let alone another girl. The guys in high school never interested her; she never gave them the chance anyway. And she had good reasons, reasons you really can't argue with. But this was all new territory. Because she's never had a friend like Chloe either.
Maybe this is just how real friends are. Labeling herself as gay was something Beca just can't wrap her mind around. It feels too, decisive. She's more than her sexual identity, whatever the hell it may or may not be. She's not into girls, she's just into Chloe. No one has ever made her feel the way Chloe does. How does that work? What does that mean? Maybe she's just overthinking it, like she usually does. Maybe this is something she needs to just go with. But what the hell does that even mean? If she could just shut her mind off, for once, let things be, let herself be...maybe she'd get some clarity. Maybe she could understand.
Beca stays at the library for a couple hours, before making her way home. Kimmy Jin is already asleep, so she does her best to keep quiet. She takes advantage of the empty bathroom to take a shower, keeping her songs in her head so as to not attract any shower intruders. Chloe busting in on her is definitely the last thing she needs right now. She successfully showers solo and crashes into bed, throwing a couple pills in her mouth and passing out almost the moment her head hits the pillow.
When she wakes up, she gives herself a mental high five for making it through the night with no nightmares. She's not panting, crying, or shaking. But her senses take over and her heart drops into her stomach as she realizes she's definitely not in her dorm room and the familiar forestry engulfs her. She's running again, lies in truth's clothing assaulting her. She falls to the ground and covers her ears, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. Please stop, she begs. The dominant voice is replaced with a softer one, one she recognizes, but it could be a trap. It feels so close now. The owner of this voice must be right next to her, but she doesn't dare open her eyes.
It's okay, Beca. Please don't run away. ((I have to)) Shh...Just stay. Please. Just breathe. Hold on to me. Can you feel me? ((uh huh)) I'm right here. You're okay. ((I can't)) It's okay. ((No, don't say that! It's never been okay, ever...)) Please believe me though...everything's going to be okay. ((No it's not!))
"Beca! Beca! Wake up!" Her eyes shoot open. She's covered in sweat and panting, trying to catch her breath. When she's composed herself enough to take in where she is and what is happening...Beca is greeted by a pair of familiar blue eyes that can somehow make everything better. That familiar smile that, at least for a moment, takes everything else away, and she can relax. But that moment usually subsides quickly because it's too good to be true and you have to get back to reality. But she's there. At her side. Looking right at her.
Beca looks away, not being able to hold Chloe's gaze. She's never been good at that. Like if she allows someone to look into her eyes long enough, they'll figure her out. They'll know. And they'll be gone. Because she's too broken on the inside. Too broken for anyone to put her back together. And she's learned to live with that. She copes and lives her life. And she's never wanted anyone to be the glue to put her back together. It's easier that way. At least she's not hurting anyone but herself. If you want to be a complete emotional fuck-up, that's your right...as long as you don't bring other people into your shit. People mean well, but when it comes down to it, nobody really wants to make the effort, sort through the emotional baggage, really listen...because sometimes it's just too messy. Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say. It's hard to hear anyone else, when we're screaming on the inside, secretly wishing someone will hear us. And ask. And care.
"Beca, are you okay? Sweetie, you're soaked...and you're shaking," Chloe says, studying Beca's face and grabbing a hold of both her hands. She doesn't look at Beca the way most people usually do, like she's about to crack, like she's a ticking time bomb. Like she's someone to steer clear of, be wary of. She looks at Beca with genuine concern and care...trying to figure out what she needs to do, to make Beca better. The hurt, pain, confusion, and anger are all sitting like a rock in her throat. She swallows it, pushing it away. It hurts. She's trying to steady her breath right now and they just sit in silence for a bit. Chloe doesn't push. Not that she hasn't been pushy with Beca, but they've struck some sort of balance, Chloe learning to not cross every boundary. Who did this girl think she was? Beca would think. Busting into her shower stall, demanding an impromptu audition. Invading her personal bubble every chance she got. Investing in Beca's life. Caring. But Beca got more and more used to Chloe's affection. She stopped fighting the hugs, tried to enjoy them, and maybe even started to look forward to them.
Chloe pushed some flyaway hairs out of Beca's face, tucking them behind her ear, lingering for a moment with her hand at Beca's cheek. She moves her thumb over Beca's ear. It calms her. Music is her therapy; her ears the veins for the drug. It's like a jumpstart to her heart. And the way to her heart is through her ears. But it was all too much sometimes.
"Beca?"
Beca comes to, so the speak, getting out of her head and finally acknowledging Chloe. "Yea, I'm okay," she says, with a deep sigh. "Just a dream." Chloe pulls her in and she tucks her face into the Chloe's neck, taking her in. And for a moment, hope is restored. Chloe begins to break away, but Beca tugs her back in, not wanting to stop this feeling she has right now.
"Hmm," she hears Chloe sigh into her. She can feel her smile on her skin.
They finally break apart, Chloe keeping a hand on each of of Beca's arms, steadying her. Chloe looks around and grabs a dry shirt off the floor.
"Here, you should get out of that." Chloe says, handing the shirt to Beca.
"Thanks," Beca responds with a weak smile. "Hey, how the heck did you get in here, anyway? She then notices that the other side of the room is unoccupied. "And where is Kimmy Jin?"
Chloe studies her face for a moment, before responding. "Well...she texted me from your phone, saying you were thrashing in your sleep, and having, like, a sleep panic attack. She didn't want to deal with you so she asked me to come over. And I'm sure she'll deny this, but she sounded concerned for you."
Wow, Beca thought. She didn't think her roommate gave two shits about her...although at the same time feeling a little embarrassed at what she might have been doing during that nightmare. But thankful all the same that she texted Chloe...making a mental note to somehow thank Kimmy Jin.
"Was she pissed when she let you in?" Beca asks, knowing the answer.
"Well...she wasn't ecstatic, but if you ask me, she at least looked relieved to see me...ya know...come to the rescue." Chloe added with a wink and a nudge.
"My hero..." Beca whispers. Chloe has the kindest smile, Beca thinks to herself. It's amazing how a smile can change everything, especially from the right person. And it's so symmetrical. "Ok so I should change..." Beca blurts out, feeling uncomfortable, as if Chloe can hear her thoughts. Which she swears she can at times. It's a problem.
Normally, stripping off your shirt in front of another person would be a big no, but it's Chloe, and for some reason the normal rules go out the window. Beca peels off the soaked shirt and tosses it to the side. She adjusting the new shirt so she can put it on, when she catches Chloe's eyes on her and freezes. And butterflies seemed to have taken up residence in her stomach.
"What?" she finally says, breaking the awkward silence.
"Sorry...just...thinking," Chloe says.
"What about?" Beca asks, pulling her head through the shirt and down over her torso.
"You." Chloe says, matter-of-factly, as she looks up to meet Beca's eyes.
"Wh...what about me?"
Chloe takes Beca's hand in both of hers...Beca's mind and heart going a mile a minute, Chloe is eyeing her very curiously...and after what seems like hours, Chloe finally responds.
"Just...just that...oh forget it..."
"What?! You can't do that! Tell me...please" Beca pleads.
"Another time, ok?" Chloe says, and Beca knows not to push. Even though if roles were reversed, Chloe would push. And push. And squeeze it out of her. But Beca's a little frightened of what she's about to say, and she's not sure why. Okay maybe she's a little sure, but she's not ready to be sure.
"Wanna grab some coffee?"
"Yea sounds great! I'm definitely in need of some caffeine!"
Beca knows Chloe means nothing by it, but she can't help but feel guilty for interrupting Chloe's life with, once again, her own emotional short stick. She mumbles a pathetic "sorry," sighs and looks down, feeling ashamed of herself. Why can't she just get it together. Geez, life isn't this fucking hard. Why does she do this? Can't she just be happy? Just choose to do it, Beca. Everyone else seems to have no problem.
As if reading her thoughts, Chloe swoops to Beca's side, taking her face in both hands and looking into her eyes. She tries to hold it back, but a tear escapes, streaming down her cheek. Chloe wipes it away with her thumb. Beca turns her head and looks away, but Chloe jerks it back into place.
"Beca Mitchell, you do not need to apologize. Okay? Not to me, not about this."
Beca nods her heads in agreement. Chloe gives her a big sloppy kiss on the forehead, adding in a "muah!" for added effect. Beca can't help but laugh, because that's just Chloe. And she can't help but love these things about her either. Everything is just simpler with her friend. Lighter. The darkness subsides. For the most part. And it's that part that Beca clings to for dear life.
They walk to the Nik's, Chloe of course linking their arms along the way. The smell of coffee is warm and inviting. It's funny because Beca used to hate coffee...the taste, the smell. But that's all changed. It's weird how things change like that. How we can be so sure of something and then one day, we aren't so sure of that anymore. In fact, we might just think differently.
"Two coffees please, Inna!" Beca says as she sliding the money across the counter. "And throw the change in the tip jar!"
"Beca, we don't have a tip jar how many times do I have to tell you!" Inna hollers at them, smiling, as they both stroll away.
They take their coffees to a table in the corner, and just sit together for a moment. Enjoying the silent company, sipping their drinks. Chloe is tapping her foot against Beca's leg, absentmindedly, humming to herself. Beca wonders why Chloe likes her. Sure she isn't a mean or cruel person, so she's not terrible to be around. She accepts Chloe's friendship. But what does Chloe get out of it? What does she want from Beca, because she sure knows she doesn't have much to offer.
Chloe speaks first, bringing Beca out of her own head. "Do you ever wonder if any of it is worth it?"
"Well that's not cryptic at all. Care to elaborate?" she teases.
"I don't know...like any of it I guess."
"What...like life? college? existence?," she adds with a smirk, which is quickly wiped away, when Chloe doesn't answer, keeping her eyes trained on the table. "Where are you going with this?"
Chloe looks back up at Beca and she catches a look in her eye that she can only describe as sadness. But a confused sadness. Like a little kid who can't quite comprehend death, but knows they should feel sad, so they do. And Beca's heart aches. She reaches out to grab Chloe's hand, offering a reassuring smile. "Look, if none of this is worth it, then we wouldn't be here. You and me. Frankly, Chloe, if none of this is worth it, then YOU wouldn't be here. Because you aren't just some cosmic coincidence or happy accident or whatever you want to call it. I've never met anyone like you. You...you're...you're just so good. The way you see life, and the way you are, you...Chloe, you are worth it. Whatever IT is. You're worth it."
"And you say you're not one for words. Well...that was a whole lot of words and they were perfect. You should speak up more often, Beca Mitchell."
"Yea well...must be the coffee."
"Oh yes...must be," Chloe teases.
Later at Bellas rehearsals, Beca notices Chloe being extra quiet and. She's holding back with her voice, and not being the team cheerleader she usually is. She just nods at whatever the hell Aubrey is hollering about, which is everything.
"Beca!"
"What?!" Beca snaps back at Aubrey, who isn't the person to snap at right now. "I mean...yes, Aubrey, what is it?" She promised Chloe she'd be more patient with Aubrey, and she may be a lot of things...and Aubrey is definitely a lot of things...but Beca isn't someone who breaks her promises.
Aubrey opens her mouth to yell at Beca, but upon the sudden change in Beca's tone, closes her mouth to also rethink her words.
The irritation is still there, but it feels less like it's just directed at Beca personally, and more just the effect of a tiring rehearsal and the stress of the competition.
"I said, do you have that last transition down? Between Eternal Flame and Turn The Beat Around? You looked a little distracted and I really need you to NOT be distracted right now, okay? We're two shows away from Nationals, and I just really need everyone to be committed and present!" Aubrey looks around the room.
Everyone nods, looking tired, but keeping their game face on as to appease their captain.
"Maybe we could take a fiver, Aubrey?" Amy asks.
"Yeah," Stacie adds, "a break would be great...I just need to take a breath."
Beca notices Chloe being unusually silent. She keeps trying to catch her eye, but Chloe seems bent on looking anywhere but at Beca.
Aubrey tries to push them just a little longer, but the collective group decides a 5 minute break is needed and they all wander towards the bleachers, taking a seat, drinking some water, massaging their sore muscles.
"Listen..we just need to push, guys. Come on...Chloe, a little help here!" Aubrey notions to her best friend, but Chloe just stares blankly, clearly distracted. "Chloe! Hello, are you there? Great, just great. We are far from where we need to be with our performance and you've checked out. That's just great."
Chloe looks up at Aubrey with a pained expression on her face. "Bree, I'm sorry. I'm here. I promise. I just have, uh..something on my mind," she says quietly.
Aubrey, low on patience, snaps back. "Well can you get it off your mind for a second and think about the team?"
"Hey lay off, Aubrey!" Cynthia Rose suddenly interjects. "I think we all just need a break. "We've been going non-stop since the beginning and, well frankly, you're making us all a little crazy! Just loosen the reins a bit, sister! We all want to win as much as you, but you yelling at us like this isn't helping anything."
Silence.
Not the good kind.
The kind before the storm.
Beca can tell Aubrey feels everything slipping away. And it's not. Beca knows how to fix it, but now is not the time to speak up on that matter, knowing the last opinion Aubrey wants to hear is hers.
Aubrey starts to fight back. "Don't tell me how to run my team! You ladies are nowhere near rea..."
"I have nodes!"
Chloe's hands are clapped over her mouth, eyes wide. Beca hears gasps from around the room and Aubrey is just staring at Chloe with her mouth wide open. It all seems very serious, but Beca has honestly no idea what the heck nodes are. So, she asks.
"Um...what are nodes?"
Aubrey scoffs at Beca's question, like she had just asked what puppies were or something.
"Okay well, just because you clearly know what's going on Aubrey, can you explain instead of staring at me like I'm an idiot."
Aubrey huffs, but at least including an explanation this time. She walks over to Chloe, putting an arm around her. You can see the sadness in Aubrey's eyes and she looks at Chloe, who just looks at the floor. Beca has never seen her so defeated. She just wants to run over and hug her until her these node things are gone, whatever they are. Chloe's hugs seem to heal her, so maybe she can return the favor for once. But Aubrey has picked up the comfort torch and giving her a reassuring squeeze. Beca's quite certain Aubrey would lose it if Beca tried to interfere right now. So she stays put.
"Nodes," Aubrey begins, "also known as vocal nodules...are the rubbing together of your vocal chords at an above average rate, without proper lubrication. They..." she pauses for dramatic effect which Beca would normally roll her eyes at but given Chloe's inexpressive face, she decides not to, Aubrey continues, "well, quite frankly, they sit on your windpipe and crush your dreams!
"Yea I've heard they are really painful. Sorry Chlo, tough break," Cynthia Rose says sympathetically.
Beca just stares. She doesn't really know what to do. Everyone moves in giving Chloe their sympathy. She and the redhead keep catching each other's eyes. But she doesn't just want to give her a repeat, stock apology... I'm so sorry, Chole, what can we do for you, etc, etc...
Aubrey decides to end practice upon Chloe's revelation, much to her chagrin, but the team is pleased. Everyone tiredly grabs their stuff and leaves.
Beca lingers.
"You coming?" Aubrey asks Chloe, swinging her bag around her shoulder.
"No..I, uh...," the redhead stammers, eyeing Beca. Aubrey understands, purses her lips, gives a last second glare at Beca, and leaves.
They just kind of stand there, across the room from each other, in silence. Beca wants to move, but she can't . Something is holding her back. She doesn't know how to react to Chloe, when she's just being so...not Chloe. She starts with babysteps. Literally. She inches her way over to Chloe, until she's right in front of her. Chloe just stares at the floor. It's Beca who lifts her chin up so they meet eye to eye.
"Hey" is all Beca manages to get out before Chloe's wrapped around her, sobbing, Beca taking on most of her weight. She stumbles back for a moment, but regains her balance quickly and closes the hug, just letting Chloe cry, her sobs echoing around them. Beca strokes Chloe's head, trying to soothe her. She doesn't say anything, because if she knows anything, it's the power of NOT saying something. Not that it's gotten her that far in life, but she at least knows when it does help. And right now she knows words can't fix Chloe. But holding her tight enough just might do it. Chloe's hug is so warm. Like being home. Not a home she recognizes, but a home she can imagine. The sobs lessen, and turn into short gasps of breath, until they even out and she's breathing smoothly. Beca waits until Chloe breaks the hug,, wiping her eyes and face as she pulls away, looking up into Beca's eyes. This time it's Beca wiping away a tear from Chloe's face with her thumb.
"I'm sorry - I'm such a mess. I've just been holding this in for a while...," Chloe says, still sniffling a little.
Beca just searches Chloe's eyes for a moment. "Do these nodes have anything to do with all that 'is it worth it' talk from earlier today?"
Chloe sniffs, wiping her eyes, looking away. "Yea...maybe...I don't know...it's just," pausing in thought for a second while she hops up to sit the edge of the stage. "singing has been everything to me. I felt like it made me, me. I could always count on it...it was one thing I always knew I was good at. Singing brought me joy, it brought me Aubrey, the Bellas...you," looking into Beca's eyes on that last word.
Beca joins Chloe on the stage. She doesn't say anything for a moment, but eventually turns to Chloe, a small grin spreading across her face.
"What?"
"Nothing," Beca laughs. "It's just...and remember I LOVE when you sing...but, you're so much more than that. You're patient, you're kind, you make me laugh, you know how to make anyone feel welcome, and comfortable in their own skin...and let's just talk about how comfortable you are in your own damn skin. I'm just sayin...I like the way you work it..."
"Go on," Chloe says, giggling.
"Okay well, you have the most infectious smile and laugh. You draw others in the way I repel them. Well except you...I can't seem to get rid of you, it's kind of a problem. You really can't take a hint. I'm kidding! Listen...you're great and you're always going to be great. No matter what these nodes do to you...and I have a feeling you're going to come out of this alright." Beca stares at the floor, her tone a little more serious now. "Because...I've never met anyone as strong as you. It's really amazing...the way you go through life...with this attitude like you can do anything. Like life is this great adventure and each person you meet is just a part of that. The way you let people see you, all of you, in all your human-ness...unashamed of who you are. It's really...something. I...and I'll deny this if anyone else asks...but I'm really jealous of that. I wish I could be an open book like you. Free. But with the things I've been through...it was just easier to put the walls up, close myself off, be unapproachable, telling myself and others that I like it. I like being on my own. No risk. No heartache. Even though deep down I was begging for someone to not give a shit about my dumb walls and care enough to just bulldoze them down. Because I don't think I'm strong enough to do it on my own. And then you came along and," looking up at Chloe now whose eyes were filled with tears which wasn't helping but she kept on, needing to get this out, "and...," she was tearing up herself now, her voice getting a little shaky, "and you didn't give a shit about my walls. You cared enough about me to just open the door and waltz right into my life without knocking...because that's who you are Chloe Beale...you're the real deal. And I didn't mean for that to rhyme," she chuckles softly. "But for real, I just want to thank you for that. I know I'm still a work in progress...but if you stick with me, I'll get there," she finally finishes with sigh that might sound like exhaustion, but she feels lighter. Like saying the words out loud broke some of those chains she feels bound by everyday.
"Sorry I didn't mean for that to become all about me," she adds, feeling a tinge of embarrassment.
Chloe seems speechless which, like, never happens. She's just looking at Beca. "Will you say something please?" Beca pleads, feeling a tightening in her chest and a familiar guilt over feeling too much and letting it out. Maybe she shouldn't have said any of that. She probably sounded like some obsessive, weirdo, head case. All the doubts were filling her head back up, making her hazy, making her retreat back into herself. She turns back to Chloe to say something, anything, to save face, make this weird silence go away...when suddenly Chloe's lips are on hers. It takes a moment to take in what is happening and it seems all too much so she pushes Chloe away, but keeps a hand gripped on each of the redhead's shoulders, her gaze downward, not being able to meet Chloe's eyes right away, her own going back and forth at at alarming rate. Her heart is beating so hard, she thinks it might just wear out from pure exhaustion...because hearts aren't made to beat that fast. She's not made to feel this much. At least that's what she thought. Her mind is going a mile a minute, trying to process what just happened. Chloe is silent, and Beca can feel her searching eyes on her. Chloe grabs Beca's hands and starts to take them off her shoulders, but Beca snaps her head up and keeps a firm grip.
"I'm sorry, I just...," Chloe begins, tears welling back up in her eyes, but Beca stops her words, placing two fingers on her lips, while bringing her gaze to them as well. Her thumb comes up to caress the redhead's lower lip, as if there's an answer she's been looking for in the soft, pink flesh. Beca looks back up into Chloe's eyes, a clarity in her mind that she's never experienced before. Chloe looks back at her, eyes wide, mouth open in a kind of a stunned silence, trying to find the words, but Beca doesn't need any words from her right now. Beca just needs to finish what Chloe started, leaning into her and bringing their lips together again. Chloe lets out a sound of surprise when their lips meet, but melts into it...breathing Beca in. It feels so good, so impossibly good. Beca opens herself up more to Chloe, letting the redhead explore her mouth as she does back, their arms wrapping around each other. Chloe grabs Beca at the waist and pulls her closer, each kiss becoming more heated than the last. Beca knows it's weird, but she opens her eyes because she needs to see what's happening. She stops kissing back, lost in thought, and Chloe's eyes blink open, staring directly into Beca's, and pulls back, startled that her eyes were open
"What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just kind of in shock at what's happening right now. You know you're kissing me right?"
"Hmm lemme think," Chloe says sarcastically, tapping her index finger on her lips, "You're Beca Mitchell? Member of the Barden Bellas? Daughter of Dr. Mitchell, professor of Comparative Literature? Kick-ass music producer and DJ? Closet cuddler? Shall I go on?"
"Okay, okay I got it. Smart ass," Beca says with a smirk. "And I'm not a cuddler."
Chloe wraps her arms back around Beca's neck. "Yes you ARE a cuddler and yes, I am completely aware that it is YOU I am kissing. And I'm sorry if it's weird for you. It's just that, ever since I met you, I felt this connection to you. I could see past the tough exterior you put up, and the more I got to know you, the more beautiful you were to me. Hearing your voice in the shower that day was like...fate! I don't even know if I believe in fate. But you just drew me in, and I had to go for it. I like being around you. You make me happy. Everyday does feel like a new adventure with you because you're constantly surprising me, every time you open up. And I love watching you mix. I know you think I'm doing homework and not paying attention, but Beca...I've been paying attention. The way you're face gets all serious when you're working is so cute, and then the way it lights up when you get something to work is amazing. I like that you're mysterious, that you don't show all your cards. You don't bullshit. So you, in fact, are also the real deal, Beca Mitchell. And I didn't know what was going to happen when I kissed you. Honestly I was ready for anything, good or bad. I knew there was a big risk kissing you like that, and that's honestly what kept me from doing it sooner," Chloe admits, blushing a little bit and Beca can't deny the heat in her cheeks at that moment as well. "But hearing you say all those things to me just...I don't know, it awakened something in me and I just had to go for it! And I think it's safe to say it was worth the risk?"
"It definitely was," Beca whispers. She leans in to kiss the redhead again, their lips partnering perfectly together. It feels so good, to hold Chloe, to kiss her - and to have Chloe hold and kiss her back. She is experiencing something she never has before, it's kind of like an out of body experience. Her body is moving faster than her head, which is freaking out. Chloe slips her hands up the back of Beca's shirt resting on her lower back, pulling her in closer. Their kisses are slow, deep, and passionate. Chloe leans her back, positioning her knees on either side of Beca. Chloe slides her hands up Beca's stomach, and she flinches at the more intimate contact.
"Wait...Chloe st-." Beca breathes out, getting cut off on that last word because Chloe grinded her hips down on her, capturing her lips again.
"What's wrong?" Chloe asks breathlessly, kissing back down Beca's neck, her hands moving further north, hips doing a slow dance on top of her.
She lets out moan, trying to form a coherent word, but her brain is out of breath trying to catch up to her body. It's when Chloe's lips get to the little dip between Beca's breasts, her hands pushing Beca's shirt up, that her mind closes the gap.
"S-stop!" Beca shouts, almost as much to herself as to Chloe.
Chloe immediately pulls back, rolling off Beca upon seeing her panicked face. Beca covers her face with her hands. Chloe stays silent, waiting for Beca to initiate. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." she mumbles out from underneath her hands.
"What happened?"
"It was just happening too fast. My body was reacting before my head was, but then my head caught up and I just got overwhelmed. Can we just...slow down?" she asks, sitting back back up. She's taking slow and steady breaths to calm herself down, as she just realized she's shaking, well more like shivering. That's what it feels like. Like a cold shiver she can't shake.
Chloe puts her hands on each side of Beca's arms, trying to steady her. "It's okay, Beca...just take a deep breath, okay?"
Beca nods, taking a deep breath in and slowly exhaling. She closes her eyes, feeling for Chloe's hands on her shoulders and taking them in her own hands. After a few moments, Beca looks up at Chloe.
"Better?" Chloe asks.
"Mmhmm," Beca says, managing a weak smile. "I'm s-"
"Do not finish that sentence." Chloe demands. "Not to me, not about this...okay?"
"Okay."
"Want me to walk you back to your room?" Chloe offers.
"Yeah, that'd be great."
/
"Jesse, what would you do if you couldn't sing?" Beca asks, unable to concentrate anymore. The two are sitting in the quad, working on homework.
"I don't know, Bec...find another hobby I guess," Jesse answers, his eyes still focused on his music theory textbook.
"Yea but singing isn't just hobby to you. You really love it, right?"
"Mmhmm, yeah, of course." he answers, still not totally focusing on the conversation.
"Ok, so, what if...you went blind and couldn't watch movies anymore?"
"That's a big what-if. I try not to waste my time pondering depressing hypotheticals."
Beca doesn't respond, and Jesse looks up in response to her silence. "Is this a general hypothetical, or...?
"General," Beca answers. Jesse gives her a look because he clearly knows she lying. Why is she so easy to figure out sometimes? Her emotions haven't been in check as of late, that's why. Chloe's boundaryless friendship has made her sloppy. "General", she confirms, looking Jesse in the eye in order to convince him more. "I was just thinking that...we have these things in life that we hold on to so dear and things we put everything into, but they can be taken away from us just like that. It's just...sad."
"Well that's depressing," Jesse says bluntly. Beca rolls her eyes at him and huffs. "Here I was enjoying this beautiful day and your company, and I knew something was missing. A big 'ol dose of dream-crushing reality!"
"If you're just going to attack me when I'm trying to have a serious discussion, I can go!" Beca yells at him a little too loud, as she begins to angrily pack her things up.
Jesse puts his hands on top of hers, trying to stop her.
"Wait, I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything by it. Don't go, I'm sorry...okay?"
Beca stops, looking down at the ground. She drops her things and sighs, feeling a little ashamed of herself for snapping at Jesse.
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I've just been a little on edge lately I guess."
Jesse studies her face for a moment. "You know what, Music Theory can wait. Let's talk. You've clearly got something on your mind. I'm all ears."
Beca smiles at him, but unsure if she really wants to get into it. She decides to confide in her friend, well sort of. She'll keep it general, play it safe. "Well I have this friend who found out she has this medical issue that could ruin any chances of doing the thing she loves, in the future. I mean it's not a definite possibility, but it's still one, and I just think it really sucks that something like that could happen to someone so amazing. I mean what did she ever do to deserve this fate, ya know? This talent she has brings good to the world, to the people around her. I mean, what does it mean? It has to mean something. Things don't just happen for no reason...right?"
"Um...well," Jesse begins, but Beca cuts him off.
"It's just that...what IS the point of caring about things if they're just going to probably be ripped away from you, ya know?"
"Are you done now?" Jesse asks.
"Yes."
"Ok. Well...I think that there IS a rhyme or reason for why things happen. If there wasn't, life wouldn't be this complicated," he adds with a laugh, making Beca chuckle too. "I'm sorry to hear about your friend. But questioning the why doesn't really get us anywhere does it? I think what you have to focus on is how to move forward. How to make the best out of what may or may not happen. And know that we're all more than just ONE thing in life, so if something is taken away from us, we're not empty or worthless or whatever, we just have to maybe dig a little deeper into ourselves to find out who else we are."
Beca just stares at him, in stunned silence.
"Wow, Jesse. That was really...insightful!"
"Don't mock me."
"I'm not!" Beca says defending herself. "I'm sorry, I really meant that sincerely. I think I've just become so good at laying the sarcasm on thick that it's hard to turn off, even when I want to. For real, that was deep. I should come to you more often for advice," she says with a smile.
"Yeah well, I'm full of more than just interesting movie trivia ya know."
"You should let other people tell you it's interesting."
/
Beca hasn't been able to see Chloe since they kissed. It happened only two nights ago. And it's not that she hasn't wanted to, but with her classes and the station, she just hasn't had a chance. Aubrey gave the team a couple days after Chloe's node revelation to rest, but they'd be back in full swing tomorrow night and she promised they'd hit it "aca-double time," whatever that means. They text of course, but Beca would like to actually see Chloe, just to make sure the other night actually happened and wasn't just some figment of her imagination. She's out of her medication, but she's goes to bed tonight feeling good, her thoughts drifting to Chloe, so she doesn't worry about it too much.
Who are you kidding? This isn't going to work. This is wrong. You can't be with her. The fact that you're no good is just the beginning of what's wrong with this picture. Get a grip, Beca. You're mine. End it now.
Beca jolts awake, shirt soaked through, panting like she just ran a marathon, tears threatening to spill freely. She's angry that she can't get a grip on these nightmares, but the anger she feels doesn't make what she heard any less convincing, and what's worse is that she necessarily doesn't disagree. Who the hell is she kidding anyway? She glances at the clock, groaning that she only got about 3 hours of sleep so far.
She runs into Chloe later, but between the lack of sleep and the constant debate she can't shake out of her head, she doesn't even see the redhead approaching her and Chloe has to basically jump in front of Beca to get her to stop.
"Hey!" Chloe chirps, leaning in to give Beca a kiss on the cheek, but Beca stumbles back, dropping the stuff she was carrying.
"Whoa, you okay?" Chloe asks, bending down to pick up the dropped items, but Beca gets there first hastily grabbing them off the ground.
"Just fine," she replies flatly, choking down the tears, trying not to raise suspicion, but failing as it's taking her far too long to gather up a notebook and a textbook from the ground because she's frantically grabbing at them. Chloe meets her at her level, grabbing Beca's hands to stop her.
"Beca, just stop! What's wrong?"
Beca pulls her hands away and manages to get a hold of her things, standing up, not meeting Chloe's eyes as she stands back up as well. They stand in silence for moment, and Chloe makes the first move, reaching her hand out under Beca's chin to lift her head up.
"Hey are you -" Chloe begins.
"I'm fine, Chloe! I don't need your help, just leave me alone, okay?!" Beca snarls.
She's already feeling ashamed of herself and can see the hurt in Chloe's eyes, but walks away anyway, not looking back. Chloe doesn't deserve to suffer because of her issues. She should go back and apologize. But it's probably for the best to just cut the ties now. Cut them before it's too late and someone ends up broken hearted. Being alone isn't so bad.
She texts Ronnie, exchanging the other half of the money from her dad for what she needs. They make their transaction quickly, and part ways.
Beca gets a few texts from Chloe, but doesn't respond, trying not to fall off the wagon, so to speak. Although she probably shouldn't compare her feelings for Chloe to a drug problem, she deserves more than that, but if she's really going to stick to her guns on this one, maybe extreme comparisons are in order.
Beca goes over the texts Chloe's sent, willing herself not to respond, not that going over them is helping in any way.
I'm not mad. Please just talk to me.
Did something happen?
You're coming to rehearsal right?
Okay you're starting to scare me, will you please answer me?
If you want, I'll skip it with you and we can talk - please just don't shut me out.
Wow, Chloe is willing to risk, although let's be honest it's really more of a 100% chance, of Aubrey losing her aca-mind if they skipped. She doesn't want to add that to the list of things to feel guilty about, so she decides to respond.
Don't skip. I'll be there.
Ok good. See you soon xo
Luckily, Aubrey is going full force at them so there's not even any time for Chloe to confront her...and she can feel Chloe stealing glances at her, trying to catch her eye. Since Beca is super focusing on the routine to keep her mind off everything else, she's been able to keep Aubrey off her back.
Once their ending "1-2-aahh" is done, she manages to slip out unnoticed. She's walking, quicker than usual, across campus to the radio station, her sweatshirt hood pulled over her head.
She's thankful she's pulling the late shift sans Jesse, because she really doesn't feel like talking and luckily Luke isn't chatty. He just motions to the crate of records that need to be sorted, and Beca gets to work. Around 1 am Luke leaves, telling Beca to leave as well. Sorting and stacking records never takes long which is nice because she can just work on some mixes before her shift ends.
"I will in a bit, just finishing something up," she says. "Oh and hey...any word on who's gonna fill this empty spot?"
"Yea I got someone in mind," he replies with a smile. "See ya later, Beca."
"Yeah, see ya," Beca says, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth as Luke walks out the door.
/
Beca jolts awake, wincing because she's fallen asleep at the desk at the station, and not in a comfortable position. Her vision goes blurry from sitting up too fast, and she has to close her eyes quickly so the lightheadedness goes away. She looks up at the clock to see what time it is...
"Ahh!" Beca shouts, as she realizes there's someone sitting across from her, also asleep, and that person is Chloe, who jumps up, startled from Beca's shout, almost falling out of her chair.
"Geez, Chloe," Beca says, holding her hand. against her chest, catching her breath. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Chloe takes a moment to regain her composure from being scared as well. "Well I knew you had the late shift tonight, and since you're avoiding me like the plague, I figured I'd corner you here, since there's only one exit. So why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not." Beca lies, avoiding eye contact.
"Bullshit, Beca! You say all these things to me the other night and I say all these things to you and then," she pauses for a moment, sighing, "and then we kiss, and it just felt so, right, and then now it's like...night and day with you. You yell at me, run away, and avoid me at practice. I care about you Beca. Will you please tell me what's going on with you?" Chloe reaches across to grab Beca's hand, and she lets her. She can at least give her that, for now.
Beca doesn't say anything, and neither does Chloe. She can feel the tears well up but refuses to let them get the best of her. She sniffs them back, hastily wipes her eyes, and stands up, letting her hand fall out of Chloe's, grabs her stuff and with a curt, "I gotta go," she's out the door.
But she doesn't get far. The tears are overpowering her and she doubles over, falling to her knees, trying to not give in. But she's tired, just so tired of fighting. Beca feels Chloe's presence in front of her, wrapping those strong arms around her, and the sobs come. Just as they did for Chloe the other night. They're deep, and they hurt coming out, her whole body shaking.
"I can't do this, Chloe," she gets out between sobs. "I can't be who you want or need me to be!"
"And who do you think I need you to be?"
"I don't know...someone good...good enough for you."
"And what's good enough for me?" Chloe asks, grabbing Beca's face forcing their eyes to meet. "I mean since you know."
"Not me!" Beca shouts, pulling away from Chloe and standing up. "I don't have a list for you but I know what's NOT on that list, me!"
Chloe hangs her head and sighs, rubbing her hands down the top of her thighs. She looks back up at Beca, and pushes herself up so she's standing.
Beca's back is to Chloe, arms crossed. Chloe comes up behind her, wrapping her arms around Beca's waist, and resting her chin on her shoulder.
"You think you want me, to know me, invest in me, but you don't know what you're asking for. I'll mess it up. I'll mess you up...somehow. I'm better on my own. I've been doing it for awhile. You should just walk away now," Beca says, the defeat in her voice thick.
"Do you want to know what I think? I think you just need to give yourself a chance to be happy and not question every single thing in life that's good to you, and not treat everything like it's going to fall apart."
"Yea well, for me pretty much everything does. The odds haven't ever been my favor."
Chloe spins Beca around so they are facing each other. "Not everything, Beca. Some things stick. And you just need to have a little faith. Because me and you...there's something there worth fighting for. I think you're worth fighting for...even if what I'm fighting is YOU. I will fight you, for you. Because I'm not going to just stand around and let you drop out. And I'm sorry if you don't like that, but that's just who I am. And we can take this thing slow, whatever this is between us. I can be patient because you're worth the patience. I just like being with you. You make me happy, and I want to make you happy. So...that's what I think. Now what do you think?"
Beca hates this question. She always feels put on the spot, and she can never gather the right words fast enough so she either looks like an idiot as she stays silent, internally processing, or she just spits out some words to appease the other person with a response.
"I don't know what I think," she answers honestly.
"Well, how about we start with you not running away from me. How about we start with you trusting me, and trusting yourself. How about that?"
"I don't know...I can try I guess, but Chloe -"
"A try is all I need," Chloe says, stopping her words and pulling Beca into a hug.
"I'm exhausted, do you..um... think I could stay at your place tonight?" Beca asks.
"Definitely. Of course you know this means there will be cuddling."
"Well of course," Beca replies rolling her eyes.
Chloe picks up Beca's bag and throws it over her shoulder. "Ready?" she asks.
Beca takes a deep breath and grabs Chloe's hand, weaving their fingers together and looking up into those bright blue eyes. "I guess," she says, exhaling heavily.
/
"What's Aubrey going to think?" Beca asks, as Chloe unlocks the door to her apartment.
"Maybe we should just keep this between us for the time-being. She's just on edge, much more than usual lately, and since you're not exactly her favorite person in the world..."
"I'm not?!" Beca says, sarcastically. "I'm shocked." Chloe turns around to face Beca, rolling her eyes, after she locks the door.
"Sorry to break it to ya. I mean it really is surprising, considering how you're alway supporting her and definitely not defying everything she says."
Chloe leads Beca to her room, flipping the light on, and closing the door behind them. They both throw their things down, collapsing on the bed simultaneously, laying in silence for a bit.
Beca finally breaks the silence, when she starts laughing. Chloe looks over at her, laughing along.
"What's so funny?"
"I was just thinking about Aubrey's face if she walked in right now. Honestly, I think that just might be the thing that keeps me from running away when I get scared of this whole thing."
"You really know how to make a girl feel special, Beca. I mean of course it wouldn't be because I'm so amazing and awesome and because I care about you and would do anything for you." Chloe says.
"Yea those things are nice and all...buuuut I think I'm going to go with Aubrey's infuriated-on-the-verge-of-blowing-chunks face," Beca says, nodding in agreement with herself.
Chloe rolls over so she's on top of Beca. "Are you SURE there isn't any other reason?"
"Hmm, no I don't think so," Beca teases.
Chloe leans down capturing Beca's lips with her own. After a moment, Chloe pulls away slightly, a smirk on her lips. "Now, I'm going to ask you again, -" but before she can finish that the door is flinging open, and Aubrey is charging in the room.
"Chloe there you are geez I've been waiting for you to get home so - OHMYGOD!" Aubrey spins around so fast, she smacks her face right into the door, stumbling backwards onto the bed.
Beca busts up laughing, as Chloe moves to check out the damage to Aubrey's face.
"I take it back, Chloe, I have another reason." she says rolling back in laughter.
Chloe looks back at her, holding in the laughter and shaking her head at Beca, before turning back to Aubrey.
"Aubrey, are you okay?"
"Ugh, yes, I'm fine. What the hell, Chloe?! Her, really?!" Aubrey says, tenderly touching the spot that got the brunt of the impact.
"Um, I'm right here." Beca says, her laughter subsiding.
"I'm aware." Aubrey snaps back.
"I'm sorry it just kind of happened," Chloe says. "Can we talk about this later though? Are you sure you're okay, how are you feeling"
"Appalled."
"Ha-Ha." Beca says from behind Chloe.
Chloe helps Aubrey stand up, making sure she's not going to fall over after hitting her head. Aubrey walks to the door, turning back towards Beca and Chloe, before leaving. "This," she says motioning to each of the girls, "is not a good idea."
"I'll take Things Aubrey Doesn't Have A Say In for 600, Alex," Beca retorts, still laying down on the other side of Chloe, who gives Beca a you're not helping look.
Aubrey glares at Beca. "Listen alt-girl, just because Chloe sees something in you and likes you doesn't mean I do. I know about your little deal with your dad," Beca sits up at this revelation giving Chloe an angry look, "so it looks like you need the Bellas a little more than you let on, so I'd watch it if I were you. I can make it work without you if I need to. You're only on the team because of Chloe."
"Aubrey, stop!" Chloe says before turning to Beca, but doesn't get an explanation out, because Beca is already jumping off the bed, grabbing her bag, hastily putting her shoes on.
"Beca...wait, please don't go..." Chloe begs.
"Save it, Chloe. I knew...I knew this was a bad idea." She steps towards the door, which Aubrey is still blocking. "Oh by all means, keep standing there." Aubrey holds her position for a second, glaring at Beca who glares right back. Beca can feel the tears, but she's too angry to let them get the best of her. Aubrey finally steps aside and she stomps out, making sure the door slams so Chloe can hear it.
She feels so stupid. Stupid for letting her dad talk her into coming to Barden, stupid for feeling like she actually belonged in the Bellas, stupid for kissing Chloe, stupid for trusting Chloe. Kimmy Jin is fast asleep when Beca returns. She flops down on her bed, throwing her headphones on, cranking the volume up, drowning out her thoughts. It doesn't help that her Titanium mix is the first song to come on. Next. Oh great another mix she made about Chloe. Next. Another Chloe mix. Seriously, what playlist is this? She checks her iPod to see, but it's not on any one in particular. It's just the universe being an asshole. She tears her headphones off, sitting up. She has class in like 4 hours, she really should sleep, but uninterrupted sleep is probably not going to happen. She groans loudly in frustration.
"Beca, shut up," Kimmy Jin mumbles.
Before she knows it, she's out the door, no clear destination in mind. She's walking out of her dorm room building when she runs right into Chloe.
"Geez, can't you just leave me alone for a second?" she snaps. "I just need some space, to get my head together," she adds, pushing herself pass Chloe, who grabs Beca's arm trying to stop her from walking away.
"Wait, please, can you give me a chance to explain?" she pleads.
"I don't need an explanation, Chloe." Beca says, turning around to face her. "It doesn't change anything. Aubrey's right, this isn't a good idea, me and you."
"You don't mean that," Chloe says.
"I mean who are we kidding, Chloe?" Beca says, raising her voice a little more. "We are complete opposites. You're good, I'm not. I'm better on my own. I was right earlier tonight, and I shouldn't have let you talk me into thinking differently. And I'm going to make all of this easier and just go to LA now, with our without my dad's help."
That last statement seems to have an affect on Chloe, as tears well up in her eyes and she stares at Beca in disbelief. "You can't just leave like that! You can't do that to me. Beca, I...I think I'm - "
She is certainly not about to say what she thinks Chloe is about to say and she is certainly not ready to hear those words come out of her mouth.
"No no no!" Beca says cutting Chloe off, and backing away. "No! Do not finish that sentence, Chloe. You don't know what you are saying."
"I do know, Beca! I..."
Beca's eyes widen. She can't hear this right now. And Chloe is going to say it whether Beca wants to hear it or not. And since she can't stop her from saying it without physically restraining her, and that doesn't seem like a good idea, she does the next best thing. She turns around, and runs.
Chloe yells after her. "What the hell are you doing? Get back here!"
She puts her hands over her ears, still running, and yells back, "I can't hear you, lalalalalalala!"
Chloe is now chasing after her "You're being ridiculous! I can't believe you are literally running away from me! You're being a big baby you know that!"
"Maybe that's just who I am! You don't want to be with a big baby! Just stay away!" Beca yells back.
"NO! Stop running, Beca!"
They're running in ridiculous zig zags through campus, Beca trying to weave around benches and trees in order to trip Chloe up. Unfortunately, Chloe is faster than Beca and catches up to her soon enough. She anticipates Beca's weave around a tree, going around the other way. Beca looks back to see where she is, seeing nothing, turning her head back around only to find Chloe right in front of her.
"Oomph!" Chloe crashes right into Beca, tackling her to the ground. It's just a flurry of red and brown hair, arms and legs flailing about. Chloe is also, unfortunately, much stronger than Beca, easily pinning her to the ground. Beca struggles underneath the weight of Chloe, whose knees are on either side of Beca's waist, her hands pinning Beca's down. Beca keeps trying to get free but it's no use. She finally resigns, laying still, looking up but not at Chloe, both of them panting hard.
"Are you," Chloe begins, still trying to catch her breath, "ready to listen to me, now?"
"Well my options seem pretty slim at the moment, so by all means share what's on your mind Chloe." Beca retorts, finally meeting the other woman's eyes. Chloe studies her for a moment, narrowing her eyes and biting her lip.
"I'm not going to force you to listen to me, you know," Chloe says, letting go of Beca's arms and leaning back, folding her own against her body.
"Wow could have fooled me. I'm pretty sure most people would call tackling someone to the ground and pinning them down, forceful."
"Ok you know what, I AM going to force you to listen to me." She grabs ahold of Beca's arms again, holding them in place. "And I don't care if what I'm about to say freaks you out, because it's how I feel and I am the kind of person that says what I am feeling. And I think you need to hear it. I'm sorry you're mad at me for telling Aubrey about your dad and the LA thing, but it wasn't for the reason you think. I did it for you. She wasn't going to let you in the Bellas, even after I said I had heard you singing and invited you to audition. She didn't care what you sounded like because of how how you looked. But that day we got coffee, between the shower and auditions, you mentioned how you didn't even want to be here, and going to LA, and the deal with your dad. You and Aubrey have more in common than you think, you know. She's got daddy issues too, so...I appealed to that delicate side of her, saying you needed something to join so you could follow your dreams to LA and make your dad happy. I know Aubrey can be a total bitch, but she's a real good person deep down, underneath that achieve at all costs person, and for whatever reason, me telling her that stuff was enough to convince her to give you a chance. I wasn't gossiping about you or just sharing details of your life for the hell of it. And I'm really sorry Beca if you feel I betrayed your trust. My intentions were not to do that...I just needed you to join the Bellas. You make us better! And I needed you to be apart of my life. Because I've never met anyone like you. You took me by complete surprise. But when I think about not having you in my life, it kills me. It kills me, Beca. And it kills me because...," Chloe finally pauses, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, then looking back down at Beca whose eyes were wide in both fear and expectancy. Chloe was right, she was not ready to hear what was about to come out of Chloe's mouth, but she definitely wasn't in a position to run away again, so she braced herself. "...because, I think I'm falling in love with you! As a matter of fact, I AM falling in love with you!"
Whoomp, there it is.
"Chloe, I..."
"Listen - you don't have to say it back. I am really not expecting you to, but I just needed to say it to you...because I needed you to know. Because if something happened to you or me or us before I got to say it, I couldn't live with that. I hate when things are left unsaid. So...now, you know," Chloe says, keeping her grasp on Beca arms staring into Beca's eyes.
Beca knows this is when one would say "I love you" back, but she can't say those words right now. She's never been in love before. She's never had someone love her the way Chloe seems to. This is uncharted territory and she really wishes someone would just give her a damn map with a dotted red line. As she gazes back into those impossibly blue eyes, she searches for the words, but they don't come. They're stuck in her throat, jumbled up. Something's gotta give though.
"I'm sorry I can't say that back to you right now. I wish I could, but I don't want to say empty words to you. I want to mean it, because you deserve that. I, uh...I'm still not sure what the hell you see in me but, " Beca swallows hard, unsure if she wants to commit to what she's about to say, but the words are coming out before she can decide otherwise, "I promise that I'll really try to be better at accepting your love and figuring out what this all means. I promise to really trust you when you tell me you care about me, when you tell me you love me, and I promise to not run away, metaphorically, or literally, "she adds with a chuckle, Chloe giggling as well, "when things start to overwhelm me. What do you say? Is that ok?"
"Oomph!" Beca is back to be flat on her back, this time with Chloe's arms wrapped around her in a vice-grip hug. "So does that mean you're okay with all that?" Beca gasps out, barely being able to breathe. Chloe releases her, pulling back so she can look at Beca.
"Yes, Beca...I'm okay with that. That's all I need - for you just give this a chance, and give me a chance to love you like nobody ever has." She leans down catching Beca in a kiss.
"Now will you consider letting me up now?" Beca asks when they've come up for air. "I lost feeling in my right leg like 10 minutes ago and I'm getting a lil concerned."
"Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry!" Chloe giggles, quickly getting off Beca and standing up. She offers Beca her hand and Beca staggers a little once she's on her feet, but Chloe steadies her. She grabs hold of Chloe's hands, intertwining their fingers, and looks up into those beautiful blue eyes.
"So, now what?" Beca asks.
Chloe ponders this for a while, and when she seems to settle on an answer, she grabs Beca's face in both her hands, a grin spreading across her mouth, and says, "Breakfast."
