Return to Sender

A/N: You know what, I'm not even going to promise anything anymore because I keep breaking them. But there should be about 3 chapters left so you won't have to deal with my awful procrastination for long!


hellopanda: you have to keep going along with him.

sensftw: you mean keep dating him? WHY?
madeinkorea: because it's a bad time to tell him the truth. He's already having a hard time from the hate mail.
hellopanda: plus he might beat you up once you tell him.
iwatchtoomuchanime: most importantly, I still need material for my doujinshi.
sensftw: ...
senstftw: what
hellopanda: REALLY? Me too! Except i'm writing a novel
madeinkorea: i'm writing a drama adaptation of his novel :-)
sensftw: ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
iwatchtoomuchanime: we can't help it. This is the type of misunderstanding that only happens in shoujo manga! ( • ̀ω•́ )✧
madeinkorea: yeah! This is PRIME TIME DRAMA material! All it needs is a love rival and someone getting cancer and we're set!
hellopanda: so you'll continue helping us, right?

It was at that point that Matthew decided to log out from the chatroom and ask someone else for advice.


"Matthew, I feel like you need to be reminded of the definition of emergency," Michelle began, and the sugary sweet smile on her face contrasted perfectly with the way her hands were balled into tight fists. "Falling down the stairs and breaking both your legs? That's an emergency. Someone breaking into your house? Emergency."

She levelled a flat look at Matthew who was cowering pathetically from her on his front porch. "You having another of your emo, existential crises?" She smiled coldly. "Not an emergency."

"This is an emergency!" Matthew insisted stubbornly. "How do you know it's not an emergency when you haven't heard me out yet?"

"Matthew, you called us at midnight saying this was the direst emergency, and I rushed over here thinking your dumb dog ran away, or your house was on fire." Michelle peered coolly over Matthew's shoulder to his front door. "Your house is not on fire, Matt."

"And your dog is in your lap," Francis, Matthew's older cousin pointed out from beside Michelle. "Though now that I look at it... It's- It's not dead is it?"

"He's asleep!" Matthew snapped back irritably. "And maybe I exaggerated a little but since you're both hear anyway maybe you could snark and help me at the same time?"

They both sighed exasperatedly, but took a seat on either side of Matthew on his front porch.

"I'm sorry, ok? I just- I didn't know who else to ask and I had to call you over tonight because I'm going to see them tomorrow and-"

"Matthew," Francis cut in, looking uncharacteristically serious. "Is it a girl?"

Michelle's high pitched squeal on his other side was enough to scare Kumajirou off Matthew's lap with a startled bark. "Is it Kat? I told you the Hello Kitty stationary never fails and-"

"Ah, but this is sooner than I expected! I'll have to teach you all my foolproof techniques for pleasing the ladies and-"

"Ew, gross, Francis. Matthew doesn't want to learn that stuff. He just wants to know good date spots, right, Matt?"

"Then I will show you the most magnificent spot in the park! The view is beautiful at sunset and there is a grove close by where no one will notice if you decide to get a little intimate-"

"Gross, Francis. Anyway, I recommend this crepe shop where-"

"It's a boy," Matthew muttered darkly.

There was a beat of silence and both Francis and Michelle stared at him in shock.

"Should...Should I teach you my foolproof techniques for pleasing men?" Francis tried awkwardly.


"-And that's what happened!" Matthew finished, sighing. "Anyway, I don't know what to do because Alfred just kind of hears what he wants to hear and when he hears something he doesn't want to hear he pulls this face like a kicked puppy and I can't say no to kicked puppies!"

"You have to tell him, Matt," Michelle said, looking serious, and that was exactly the sort of advice Matthew didn't want to hear so he cut in hurriedly.

"I- But hypothetically is there a way out of this without doing that?" Matthew tried. At the unimpressed looks he received from Francis and Michelle he quickly continued. "I said hypothetically. Telling the truth will be plan B for now."

"Like... Like say if I dated him until he got sick of me," Matthew suggested. He couldn't quite look at Michelle and Francis as he did so because even he was unimpressed by his cowardice. "I mean he's Alfred and he's popular so it shouldn't take more than a week, right?"

He looked to his friends for support but found them both staring at their shoes uncomfortably.

And the fact that this was probably a Bad Idea was starting to sink in so his voice faltered a little as he repeated, "Right?"

Francis was the first to break the silence with a heavy sigh. "Matthew, Alfred is my friend, but you're my cousin," And it was when he was serious like this that Matthew was reminded of why he looked up to Francis so much despite his perverted jokes. "You sound like you've already decided and I know you're only suggesting this because you don't want to hurt Alfred's feelings but..."

"But sometimes having someone pretending to like you can hurt more than outright rejection," Francis finished with a sad smile. "Just remember that, OK?"

It was cryptic and Matthew felt like he didn't really get it, but Francis never gave out faulty love advice so he nodded and turned to Michelle for her reaction.

"What about Kat?" Michelle asked quietly. Matthew could tell by the hard look in her eyes that right now she was looking out for one of her best friends. He had no doubt that if she didn't like his answer he was in for a world of hurt.

"It's not like I stopped liking her!" Matthew protested. "But it's not like she knows right now and... I was just hoping this would all kind of blow over before she found out."

Michelle eyed him warily.

"I'll- I'll fix this," Matthew whispered, as much for her benefit as his.

That much was true, at least. That warm, comfortable feeling he got when he thought about Katyusha was still there. The giddy hopefulness that she might feel the same way was there as well.

But he just didn't think he could act on his feelings for her until he fixed this problem with Alfred. She deserved someone better than a clumsy idiot who mucked things up and then ran away from his problems. Matthew owed it to himself - and to this thing he might have with Katyusha - to face the mistakes he made.

Now the only problem was how.


'Alright, Matthew, Francis was right.' And god those were words Matthew never imagined he'd be thinking to himself. 'Leading someone on is wrong. There is a very high chance of shit hitting the fan and it would be smarter just to come clean with Alfred.'

Matthew nodded firmly to himself as he opened his locker door. He was slowly psyching himself up for the confrontation with Alfred because this was going to take more courage than Matthew felt he had, and maybe a little pep talk was what he needed to store up a bit more. Last night's talk had done him a world of good but there was still a small, nagging corner of his mind that was pleading for a solution that didn't involve hurting Alfred.

'It's simpler to tell Alfred the truth. Alfred who could probably undo all the good the braces from elementary school did your teeth with one punch. Alfred who tackled a guy so hard the kid broke 3 ribs. Alfred who could inflict serious pain on you if he had a reason to-'

Matthew cut that train of thought off with a sharp exhale. His palms were starting to sweat and stick to the cool metal of his locker. He was already nervous enough, thank you, no need to add fear of physical injury to the equation.

"Good morning, Mattie!" Someone shouted cheerily in Matthew's ear, causing Matthew to drop the books he was pulling out of his locker with a shriek.

Matthew whirled around in shock, catching sight of a brown, leather bomber, blond hair, and a too bright smile. "Good morning," Matthew said, still trying to calm his frantic heart. "I- Wait- Mattie?"

"It's cute right?" Alfred replied, his smile widening. Before Matthew could say anything about the name being inappropriate because, yes, it was cute, which was why it didn't fit him because he was the manliest of all men, Alfred continued in rapid fire speech. "It came to me last night while I was trying to figure out what to call you. Like, Matthew is too formal and that's what teachers call you, and Matt is out because I have a co-worker named Matt and I'll get confused but then it came to me - Mattie."

Alfred paused and looked at Matthew expectantly, obviously expecting him to fall over in awe at his genius.

"My mom calls me Mattie..." Matthew muttered dryly, causing Alfred to burst out laughing. "A-anyway, nevermind about that - we need to to talk."

Maybe… Maybe a slight change in the plan was needed.

Since he couldn't reject Alfred outright, and last night's talk made it clear that going along with things wasn't right either, Matthew executed Plan C; Convince Alfred He Is Making a Terrible Mistake.

Because this was definitely a terrible mistake. There were many reasons they weren't suited for each other and this whole dating thing was a bad idea waiting to blow up in their faces.

And Matthew really wasn't just saying that because he had no interest in a relationship with Alfred.

They… They were on completely different ends of the spectrum in nearly everything. Matthew was shy and quiet, Alfred was louder than a freight train. Matthew had a few close friends and Alfred's last house party had over 50 people and the cops showing up.

(And they didn't show up to arrest people. No, the cops were there to party too. The story was legendary in their high school.)

That was the part that really bothered Matthew. It was no secret that Alfred was popular – being on the student council, the football team, and a bit of a charmer tended to do that. Matthew was also well aware that he only had a few close friends and that he faded to the background the rest of the time. And he was fine with the way things were.

But if word started getting around that he was 'dating' Alfred – and they would with the way Matthew's luck has been going lately – that would change. He'd have to deal with people wondering 'who the hell is Matthew?' and whispering 'why him?' in the hallways.

Matthew didn't want to have to deal with that. He didn't want people to start noticing him because of who he was dating. He especially didn't want the attention over someone he was fake-dating.

He just had to convince Alfred he didn't want that either.

"Uh… Alfred, won't it be weird?" Matthew began. Now or never, Williams. "I-I mean you're popular and… I'm kind of not-" Really, really not. "-Won't people talk?"

Alfred stared at him seriously for a few seconds. He seemed to think about it for all of a second before shrugging broadly. "Who cares?" He said. "I'm dating you, not them."

The way Alfred made it seem so simple and natural and Matthew gaped at him. There was no way the answer was that easy because people have been writing stories and making movies with this exact plot for decades.

Alfred seemed oblivious to Matthew's surprise, already moving on to a different subject. "Bell's about to ring," He said, grabbing Matthew's hand. Matthew stared down at their interlinked hands and tried to remember how to breathe. Alfred's hand felt warm in his and surprisingly soft, and this was actually kind of nice… "I'll walk you to class."

As Matthew hurried after him he couldn't help but think 'wow, Alfred's a really good guy.'

And, god, he never imagined he'd think that either.


His plan wasn't exactly going as expected, but Matthew still had 39 more possible 'break-up points' to try.

With that in mind, he brought it up again while eating lunch with Alfred.

"Alfred... I'm a guy," was what Matthew started with as he unwrapped his sandwich.

Alfred smiled at him indulgently over his burger. "Yes, I've noticed, Mattie."

"W-Well," Matthew blushed to the tips of his ears. He had no idea how to go about this delicately. "I-I didn't know you were… Like that."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wanted to take them from the air and shove them right back down his throat. That wasn't delicate at all! It wasn't even close and now Alfred would break up with him, and yeah, that was Matthew's goal from the start but not like this.

Alfred's smile only grew wider and Matthew got the distinct feeling that the jerk was enjoying his mortification. He wanted to bury his head in his backpack and maybe never resurface again.

"I don't really think of myself as one way or another." Alfred finally said, after he was done laughing at Matthew. He didn't do it out loud, but the way his blue eyes crinkled at the edges – Matthew distantly thought they were most like the Pacific Blue crayon – said he was laughing on the inside and that was even worse. "Alright, Mattie, I'm about to tell you a secret and if you laugh at me I swear I'll beat you up."

"I won't laugh, I swear," Matthew squeaked because a beat down was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid this entire time.

"Alright," Alfred said, looking relieved. "It's a little bit stupid but I think there's one person out there who's perfect for me. Y'know, the one who was made just for you? Someone… Someone who'll like all the good things and the bad things, who'll tell you when you're out of line, and maybe let you hog the remote…"

Matthew had never expected Alfred would be that much of a romantic, but then again, Alfred was caught seriously discussing the plausibility of unicorns with the Scottish exchange student so maybe this wasn't too much of a stretch either.

"It's just… I don't know who it is, what they look like, or anything. So it would be kind of silly for me to miss out on this perfect person just because I didn't give everyone a fair chance, right?" Alfred looked down and Matthew could tell he was kind of regretting bringing it up. "I mean, it could be a person I already met or someone I'm gonna meet. It could be someone younger, older, in another country or whatever."

Alfred paused, looking at him defiantly as if daring Matthew to laugh. Matthew was pretty certain he didn't feel like laughing – not just because Alfred could probably beat him to an inch of his life if he did – but there was just nothing funny about it. Love and soul mates and things like that were a mystery to him and some people went their entire lives without really figuring it out. Matthew honestly had no clue when it came to love. He didn't even know how he felt about Katyusha - did he think she was his soul mate? Did he love her? - so he wasn't in any position to tell Alfred he was wrong.

He was almost jealous that Alfred at least had a theory on it while he was still stumbling around blind.

"So anyway, what I'm saying is that I'm giving you a chance," Alfred continued, looking suspiciously pink around his cheeks. "And, well, if you don't turn out to be that person then at least I can cross you off the list, right?"

Matthew could only nod as he returned to his sandwich. At least after all this he could cross Alfred off his list too.

"Though with the love note and everything I have to say you're doing pretty well so far," Alfred mumbled. When Matthew looked up at him in surprise, he quickly ducked his head to hide the beginnings of a shy smile.


After awhile it seemed like Matthew's plan was working. Somehow.

"Matt," Alfred began, leaning against Matthew's locker and looking uncharacteristically serious. "We need to talk."

And Matthew gaped at him for a second because - oh wow half-baked schemes actually work outside of cartoons - before he shut his locker with a faked sigh. "I guess so."

"Listen," Alfred said, before cutting himself off. He bit his lip, looking like he was trying to figure out how to word something delicately. This was it. He was finally realizing that dating Matt was a Bad Idea for many reasons. "I- I can't help but notice you put yourself down a lot."

"Yeah," Matthew said absent-mindedly. He was busy thinking about kicked puppies and melting ice caps in order to get himself into the right frame of mind for the upcoming break up. Obviously Alfred would expect him to be at least a little sad and there was nothing more depressing than drowning polar bears.

"I'm not really any good with words and I'm worse at stuff like this." Alfred let out a nervous chuckle, hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "I just think-"

This isn't really working out.

"-You should stop being so hard on yourself."

"What." Matthew said, flatly. His eyes were still stinging from the mental image of a polar bear drowning while getting food for her cubs because she was just so tired and the next ice block was just so far away and dammit it was so sad. But through the haze of depression he could vaguely make out that the conversation wasn't exactly going as planned.

He had to blink through the burn of unshed tears to shoot Alfred a quizzical look.

"Hey, wait, I don't mean it's bad or anything but- Wait it is bad and you should stop-" Alfred said hurriedly, mistakenly thinking he'd offended Matthew so badly he was on the verge of tears. He cut himself off with a frustrated sound and brought his hand up and reached out as if to touch Matthew before hesitating. They stared at each other for a beat, Alfred biting his lip and looking unsure, and Matthew halfway in despair because of the polar bears and half because Alfred just didn't get it.

Alfred stared at him for a second longer before something in his expression shifted and he was wrapping his arms around Matthew in a hug. It was just tight enough to feel warm and comforting without being suffocating and Matthew was still wondering what he did to deserve it.

"It's just... You make it seem like I'm this perfect hero who's too good to be dating you and I'm not," Alfred continued quietly, and they were standing so close his breath fanned out hotly against Matthew's cheek.

"Well... At least I'm not perfect. I might be a little bit of a hero." Alfred laughed and the sound was doing things to Matthew. A weird pressure in his stomach that fluttered up his chest before swooping down and rattling everything in its way, leaving him a bit off balance. It was… weird, but not exactly unpleasant.

"Anyway what I really want to say is relax. I think you're great as you are."

Matthew should have felt embarrassed because he was hugging it out with Alfred in a hallway where anyone could walk by and this was certainly not in the plan but all he could think about as he instinctively pressed a little closer and rested his cheek against Alfred's shoulder was-

'You're so nice and this would be easier if I could hate you.'


This was far enough. He needed to tell Alfred that he wasn't interested in dating him. Matthew needed to kill this right now, because it was clear from their conversations that Alfred took dating seriously.

That and the fact that Alfred was completely different from what Matthew expected. He'd expected a class clown – all bravado, stupid jokes and goofy smiles. But instead Alfred turned out to be kind and insightful in ways Matthew didn't expect. He was a good friend and his smile was goofy, but in a good way, and it never failed to make Matthew smile back and –

No, nope, not even going there right now.

So after school he decided to go to Alfred's locker and come clean about everything. He would even let Alfred hit him because Matthew totally deserved it.

"A-Alfred I-" Matthew began, gathering the last of his courage desperately. Except, he found he couldn't force the words out when he saw what Alfred was staring at.

In his hands was a piece of folded, lined paper, and Matthew could guess what was inside. He could see Alfred was trying to open it with trembling fingers, and before he could think of the consequences, Matthew snatched the note away, balled it up, and threw it into the nearby garbage can.

"Sweet! It went in," Matthew cheered to a dumbstruck Alfred. "I hardly ever get it in even when the trash can is right there."

Alfred was still staring at him in a silent mixture of shock and horror. Matthew thought that maybe he was thinking of digging through the trash for the note.

"Hey, stop reading those things, alright?" Matthew said. "You already know there's nothing in there for you so there's no point."

"But it would be rude to throw it out without reading it right?" Alfred reached for the note again only to have Matthew block his path. "I- Imagine if I threw your note out without reading it! Then we wouldn't be here right now."

That was enough to give Matthew pause but he still had enough sense to move when Alfred got too close to the bin.

He found himself thinking wistfully of an alternate universe where Alfred was smart enough to throw out the notes he got. None of this would have happened and-

Matthew jerked himself back to reality. Alternate universe or not, this was what he got and damn it, he was going to make this work. Besides, it wasn't all bad. He was glad he met Alfred because Alfred was nice, genuine, funny, and nowhere near as obnoxious as the rumours made it seem - he just sometimes wished the circumstances of their meeting was better.

"Well you shouldn't be looking at other love notes anyway!" Matthew replied. "You already have mine."

That was enough to bring a heated flush to Alfred's cheeks and his mouth twisted in funny half-embarrassed, half-pleased smile. "I know. That's not what I-" Alfred laughed hollowly and when he looked at Matthew there was a strange mixture of fear, nervousness, and resignation in his eyes. "Matt, I need to read it."

Matthew took in the way his shoulders slumped as he admitted it, the furrow in his brow that said he really didn't want to read the note at all but that it was killing him at the same time to not know.

Matthew felt his temper flare at Alfred's sheer idiocy and stubbornness because he had to be at least a little bit masochistic to keep reading notes that he knew contained nothing but insults.

"No, you don't, Alfred," He said firmly, placing his hands on Alfred's shoulders to force him to meet his eyes instead of straining to look at the note still lying innocently at the top of the trash heap. "You don't need some coward who isn't even brave enough to say it in person telling you you're an idiot. These people don't know anything about you!"

And truthfully Matthew didn't know Alfred either. Not as closely as someone like Francis or Arthur, at least. But he felt like he knew enough. He at least knew firsthand how unpretentious Alfred was - how he didn't make fun of the creepy invisible kid for sending him love letters (even though that reaction would have been understandable, even expected).

Even though they were on completely different ends of the high school food chain, Alfred not only gave him a chance, but he also made it seem like it was the most natural thing to do.

Matthew had seen enough of the world to know there very little of it was still that pure and naive. He wasn't about to let some hoser hiding behind anonymity ruin Alfred.

"I know you," Matthew said, staring straight into his eyes. Face the problem head on - that was the plan from now on. "I'm telling you that you don't need to see what's inside that note."

Alfred was staring at him as if transfixed, his blue eyes wide and almost glazed behind his glasses. Matthew chuckled awkwardly because maybe that was a little too much honesty and he slowly began to remove his hands from Alfred's shoulders.

"But if you want to hear about how awesome you are you're better off just re-reading my note," Matthew joked, making to step back out of Alfred's personal space. "I'm gonna act like some groupie-"

Matthew cut himself off when Alfred suddenly pitched forward, his forehead landing cleanly on Matthew's shoulder and his arms wrapping around his waist.

"Eh!" Matthew yelped, arms flailing uselessly at his sides because physical contact and this was weird and kind of nice-

He brutally squashed down that line of thought because he was not going there either.

"You're so nice, Matt," Alfred mumbled into his shirt. "I'm so glad I met you."

Alfred didn't seem like he was letting go any time soon and it wasn't like Matthew could break out of his grip so with a sigh he tentatively wrapped his arms around Alfred's shoulders.

They remained like that for a few moments, Alfred content to leave his face smothered in Matthew's uniform shirt and Matthew absentmindedly running his hands across the smooth leather jacket covering Alfred's shoulders.

After awhile, Alfred spoke again.

"I- I really hope you're the person who's meant for me," Alfred whispered, smothering the words further against Matthew's shirt.

"What?" Matthew said, stilling his hands.

"Nothing," Alfred said quickly, stepping away and already missing Matthew's warmth.

No way was he repeating that. He already felt stupid enough for telling Matthew his whole philosophy on love over lunch. That was totally not smooth, Jones. "I have to get to practice. You'll come watch right?"

Alfred's heart definitely did not skip a beat when Matthew smiled and nodded. And… And if it did that was probably just a decade of bad eating habits catching up to him, right?


OMAKE:
hellopanda: so then what happened?
sensftw: nm, really. He just made me stay behind and watch his football practice so we could walk home together
iwatchtoomuchanime: and then you lost your virginity to him in the locker room
sensftw: WHAT
madeinkorea: and when you got home you received a call from your doctor saying they found a tumor during your last routine check-up
sensftw: DOES THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO ANYONE EVER
hellopanda: I can already see Elizaveta frothing at the mouth for the next installment.