Disappointed in him? Did Sam really think that? He felt as if he was back in that church all over again trying to convince his baby brother that he was important to him. Those last two years really erased everything he said he guessed.
'Dude….I thought I was the self-loathing one?' Some humour was definitely needed to ease the mood in the room.
Sam actually smiled at that one. Dean was proud of that one but was bothered by how his brother was thinking. He walked over to the bookshelf and brushed his hand over the books. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sam following his every move. There was something he was looking for and if his memory served him correctly it should be in one of these books.
'What are you doing?' Sam's voice was filled with confusion.
'One second….there's something I want to show you.'
'Show me what?'
'Patience little brother.'
He was sure he had put it in one of those types of 'encyclopaedia of serial killers' books that Sam read all the time. It was not normal for someone to have a fascination with murderous psychos.
Bingo! Thank you very much Ted Bundy. He opened the biography of the killer and pulled out an envelope. Staring at the white paper he turned around moved over to Sam.
'I put this in your room a while back, not long before Charlie was killed. I put it here because I was certain I was going to go all terminator and Cas would have to blow my ass into a million pieces. But I didn't want you to remember me like that.'
He paused, thinking back to that night a couple of months ago.
Sam had gone out for a run and he knew that it would be his chance to slip it in his room without getting caught. The Mark was getting stronger and he knew he couldn't hold out much longer. If things went sour he had already made Cas promise to tear him apart but all he could think about was what it would do to Sammy.
His brother was watching him become a monster in front of his very eyes and there was nothing he could do about it.
But he would be damned if that was Sam's last memory of him. He needed something good to hold onto; something he could smile about once Dean was gone. Making sure there was no sign of his brother he crept into his room and looked for a place to hide the envelope. It needed to be somewhere that Sam wouldn't look at immediately but would eventually stumble upon at some stage. Taking a glimpse of the bookcase, Dean knew he hit the jackpot. There was no way his brother wouldn't open one of those books in a years' time. Moving quickly he grabbed one of the books on the middle shelf and stuffed the envelope inside before careful placing it back, making sure not to move any of the other books around.
He hurried out of the room and made for the study. Whatever happened next, at least Sam had a reminder that his older brother wasn't always a monster.
Brought back to the present moment he handed the envelope to a very confused Sam.
'What is this?' There was some serious apprehension on his brother's face.
'Just open it man.'
Sam carefully teared at the opening and pulled out an old astronaut-themed birthday card. The younger man looked up in shock at his brother and then back down at the birthday card he had received when he was seven.
Taking a second to glance at the front cover, which had a goofy bear dressed as an astronaut on the moon (Sam was going through a weird fascination with space at the time), he opened the card up and took in the words that Dean had written down all those years ago.
"Happy Birthday Sammy, my future space cadet! Although with the rate you are growing you may be able to reach the moon just by standing up. I can't bring you on a space adventure but I can bring you to see Star Was at the movies. You've always wanted to go to the movies and now that you're 7, you're finally old enough.
Even though you're annoying as hell sometimes, you're still my favourite brother. I'm proud of you doing well in school this year too. That deserves some ice cream after the movies.
Enjoy your day dude
Dean"
Again, the silence flew through the air in the small bedroom. Sam was still re-reading the message, still not entirely sure that he believed what he was seeing.
Dean remembered writing that card like it was yesterday. It was the first time their dad was going to miss Sam's birthday; an urgent hunt had come up and John had to take it. Dean could tell it killed his Dad to not be there for Sammy but a hunt was a hunt.
Before he left, he gave Dean 50 dollars to treat Sam in an attempt to make up for him not being there. Using the money, he tried to give his little brother the best birthday he's ever had. He brought him to see Star Wars (even though Dean couldn't stand the film), got him a huge sundae after the movies and bought him one of those fake telescopes that showed you different shapes and stars every time you twisted it around.
The night before Sam's birthday he was buying dinner in the store when he noticed the bear in the space suit birthday card. He thought his baby brother would like it, never once realising that Sammy had never gotten a birthday card before (John Winchester wasn't one for leaving heartfelt messages on cardboard).
He would never forget how the 7-year-olds face light up when Dean handed him over the card; it was like he had won the lottery. The sight of Sam almost bursting with happiness over a birthday card was one of his favourite memories.
'Dude, where did you get this? I thought I lost it years ago.' Finally back from memory lane, Sam was demanding to know how the card came back into Dean's possession.
Sitting down on the armchair opposite the bed, he began to explain how Mr. Spacebear made its way back to him.
'After you had jumped into the pit with Lucifer and Michael, I….um….had to sort through some of your stuff. I wasn't going to throw it away or anything but I don't it was some sort of therapeutic thing maybe. I was going to put a lot of it in storage in case…..you know.'
Shifting uncomfortably in his seat he shuddered at thinking of the year without Sam. Even though soulless Sam was roaming around, Dean had spent a year almost in a depressed funk without his brother.
But it worked out in the end…more or less.
'Anyway I was going through your duffle bag when I found something right of the bottom. I didn't have a clue what is was until I took it out fully and realised it was the birthday card. Man, I couldn't believe you had kept that thing for nearly 20 years. It cost less than a dollar.'
Not giving Sam a chance to react or say anything he continued on his story.
'Seeing that thing was like a punch in the gut. It reminded me of how much I had lost and made me wonder whether I could ever feel even a bit happy again. But truthfully, it reminded me that you still looked up to me. That I was still the big brother that still could provide you with some form of a family. It was my proof that I didn't let you down over the years. So I kept the card; most likely for the same reason you did'
He really couldn't go on….he was choking up saying those last few words. The card meant everything to Sam at one stage in his life and for a while, it meant everything to him too.
Looking over, he saw that Sam was clearly in the running for Miss World; his crying game was on point.
Seriously, was the water poisoned or something in the last few days? What had gotten into the both of them?
Trying to force back the tears himself, he made a silent admission to himself.
This was going to be a long night.
