The Night Port Went Crazy: Just Like The Alvin And The Chipmunk Movies, It Just Keeps Going
The local bad guys were chillin' in Junior's club. It was pretty fly, seeing Torchwick, Neo, Emerald, Mercury, Cinder and Adam all in the same place without each other cutting heads.
What was that?
Oh yeah, Torchwick's alive. Monty's ghost came back and fused with his body.
It makes sense. Trust me.
"Nah, my favorite of them is the blonde," Mercury commented.
"False. I prefer the Spartan girl," Emerald shot back.
"Please, it's all about those cat ears," purred Adam. Cinder scooted away from the redhead.
Neo didn't say anything. You know, because hiring a voice actor is too expensive.
"The Heiress is my choice," Cinder smiled.
Torchwick coughed. "Nope, the best is clearly Lie Ren."
All of the heads turned to him. Even the mooks in the background that all shopped at the same goddamn Henchmen R Us looked at him. Even Ozpin from his tower turned to look at him. Even Glynda's severed head turned a little bit.
"How did you know his name?" Cinder asked, narrowing her eyes.
Before Torchwick could explain himself and declare why the sexy green ninja guy thing was the One True RWBY Character, the doors to the club swung open.
Steam screamed out of the opening. It may have been night, but the sun couldn't resist peeking over the horizon to look at the figure in the door.
The light was obstructed, of course. Peter Fucking Port wasn't one to let a pansy little shit like the sun steal his time to shine.
In fact, Port turned around and aimed his Blunderbuss (Note the capital B) at the orb of life. He fired a warning shot.
The sun dove back beneath the world. It knew not to try its luck with a man such as Port. But was man a description apt enough for his Portfulness? Of course not. Scholars have tried with the power of a thousand Oobleck's Signature Blend Coffee to create a word that could properly describe Peter Port.
They failed.
Peter Port had no quarrel with the sun. He turned back to the bad guys.
Said bad guys looked around, and noticed that all the mooks had shit their pants and ran. They would be hailed as smart men.
Come to think of it, why aren't there any women mooks? I bet those suits would look—
Moving on.
Adam Taurus, who thought he was all hot shit, stood up and spoke the words of heresy: "Who the hell are you?"
I pity you, Adam. I truly do. You poked the snake with the stick.
Port's mustache wriggled off his nose and slithered up his cheek to his ear. It whispered things. Glorious things!
The 'stache resumed its prior position on his handsome mug. Professor Port slammed his axe into the ground.
A weapon was not needed for this housekeeping.
To his credit, Adam dodged the first punch. His fancy-ass shirt thing got all dusty, and he pouted.
Port wrapped a hand around his head.
He squeezed.
Now, hold that thought. You're probably just visualized blood everywhere, right?
Nope.
Port was so majestically handsome, that the blood just wasn't ready to be noticed by sempai just yet. Instead, it stayed safely inside the embrace of Peter Fucking Port's fist.
"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH BET YOU DON'T SEE THAT ON THE SCIENCE CHANNEL! FUCK YOU BILL NYE!" Peter Port poetically screamed into the ceiling.
Emerald spontaneously combusted.
Mercury shat his pants, and ran screaming.
Peter Port narrowed his eyes. It was like a Western, and this was the standoff scene.
Except Mercury was running.
Port morphed into a lion, and caught him in no time. Blood flowed with the vigor of a mile high waterfall.
Returning to human form, Port looked at the table. Junior hid under it, shaking. Cinder had stood, ready to do something. Roman smoked a cigar, chillin' like a bro.
And Neo?
Well, she had her hand down her pants like only a psychopath could at the sight of blood.
"This feeling…deep down inside me…it reminds me of the time those two Ursa…NO! Stay focused, Mr. Port! Could this feeling be…arousal?"
Now, the world could have ended at that point. But it decided that would be too much of an insult to the Port.
With a new empowering feeling, Port dragged Junior from under the table and broke him in half. Like, we're talking about a clean split at the waist.
Cinder tried her fire voodoo on Port. It would prove not very effective, because Port was Water Type. He iced that motherfucker.
All that remained were the chillest of the crew.
"Yo dawg, Imma join your team," Roman said. "You're better than even Lie Ren."
Port's eyes flashed, but he nodded. The gangsta posed no threat to the sexiness that was Peter Fucking Port.
The mustached crusader then turned to the exhausted Neo. She licked her lips, and stared at his rippling body.
Port looked down, and found himself unclothed. It appeared that the fire-bitch's magic had been super effective against his clothes.
"You're the hottest fuck I've ever laid eyes on," Neo declared, having finally found the desire within her to get a voice actor.
And Port was moved by the heartfelt words. His soul wept, and he knew that there was hope for the human race still.
Together, he and Neo f—
(Scene redacted to save your eyes from the divine heat of the moment)
Author Notes: Am I sorry yet?
Ha, nope.
