The Hemale
Dear Diary,
Today was another lazy day. I had sent the Death Eaters to scare Potter and his allies, and had taken the day off to relax. But what to do? Plot the death of Potter? No, already did that. Plot the death of Paris Hilton? Nah, someone's probably going to beat me to it. Eventually, the idea came to me. I was itching to see that new Pothead movie. I don't like to toot my own horn diary, but I heard Ralph Fiennes did a bang up job playing me.
So off I went to the local cinema. The blasted line was huge. I soon took care of that though diary. A few Aveda Kadevra's and I was at the front of the concession. The dimwitted ticket person stood frozen behind the granite counter.
"One ticket to Potter." I hissed.
The blank expression across the acne-smeared face of the boy remained, then, "Whoooah! Dude! Great costume!"
I glared at him, "COSTUME!!! You're going to regret those words boy!"
The boy's face dropped, "I'm a girl."
Damn emo kids! All look the same!
"Prepare to die - Mildred!" I exclaimed, having to read the hemale's name tag.
"Is there a problem here sir?" a round man with a styled moustache asked.
"Yes. Mildred here insulted my honour, she is unaware of who I am, and believes my garments to be a 'costume'. She will die for that!" I responded, raising my wand.
"Now now sir, we would all like to kill Mildred, but then the police'd have to be involved, and we don't want that now do we? Tell you what, Mildred will apologize, and we'll give you a large popcorn, on the house."
I considered it for a moment, "Would the popcorn be buttered?"
"Nothing but the best for our favourite patron." the man beamed.
"Deal."
I walked off with my popcorn, towards the 9th cinema room. In the background I heard the man whisper something to the hemale.
"Mildred, I told you, when you get the loonies, press the yellow button!"
I smirked as I reconsidered how I would kill the girl, and the man.
I took a seat in the middle of the cinema. It was where I always sat. It used to be the back, but those damn teenagers decided to migrate there to make out. The front seats were for preschool children, and everybody knows the seats on the side are crap. The movie began, and I sighed as the first of 15 commercials began. Then I heard a horrific sound.
"The Dursley's locked me in the cupboard again." came the familiar voice.
I turned around. Noooooooo!!! Potter! Ugh! And he's with his allies! Why won't he leave me alone?! Oh crap! He saw me!
"Looks like tonight's gonna be a bit o' fun." Potter cracked his fingers, and the trio moved to the row directly behind me, with the girl sitting directly in front, so I could barely see the screen.
"So Tom. How've you been? Found miracle growth yet?" Potter laughed, referring to my bald head.
I hissed, "Die Potter!"
I raised my wand, but that teacher's pet was too quick for me, and I was disarmed.
"Look, it's my day off, so piss off, and I'll leave you alone." I said, folding my arms.
The red head shook his head, "No, you see, it don't work like that. We're here to have a bit o' fun too."
I buried my head in my hands.
For the rest of the movie, the trio would have their own commentaries, throw my popcorn at the screen, make bodily function noises, and pretend to pick my nose whenever my role was on screen. After watching the movie, I realized something too. In the movie, Ralph Fiennes bears a startling resemblance to me, which made me realize...I'm fat diary! Huge! Like a whale! Must be all the buttered popcorn.
When I left the movie, I was too upset to think about killing Mildred or the man, or even Potter. I looked to the ground, but got even more upset when I saw my cankles.
Love & Kisses,
Fatty V
