I think about that day every time I go to see Keeth in the woods. Which included today.
When I glanced around in church today, I saw Keeth. He smiled and winked at me, signaling that we were still going to meet. I tried to smile back, but with tomorrow hanging over me, I couldn't do it right. When he saw that, he scowled. I knew I was going to hear about it later.
I tried to pay attention in church. After the rebellion, Panem introduced churches in the Districts. My family has been going since I was little and I love it beyond my fullest extent. I wonder how after the evil Capitol rose back up again why our churches still exist. Why would such a cruel, demented government still include such a beautiful thing in our nation? I wasn't complaining, though; I was glad to have something so comforting to hold on to. I knew Keeth appreciated it too.
When the church bells rang and the service let out, I went home quickly, not even waiting for Cintia or my parents. I changed in to my clothes I was wearing this morning as fast as I could. I slung my bow over my shoulder and put a sheath of arrows on my back. I decided to leave my paints. It was the day before the Reaping; Keeth and I would be doing too much talking-or maybe more silence- without leaving time to paint. Just as I was about to leave, the rest of my family came in the door.
Cintia took one look at me and asked, "Where are you going?"
"The woods," I answered prominently. "To meet Keeth."
My father smiled. My mother leaned over and kissed me on top of my head. "Have fun, sweetie," she said. They both watched me walk outside and towards the street. My mother stopped me. "Oh, and Colemet!" she calls. I stop and turn. "Don't be out too late," she said. "With tomorrow and…" she didn't finish her sentence. I looked to my father. His was expression stiff.
"I won't," I answer. My voice is neutral. "Bye," I call as I turn. Before I do, I see them wave.
I walked down the gravelly streets of District 12, my combat boots kicking pebbles around. People are out and about. I tried to give friendly smiles and wave to people I see, but my heart just isn't in it today. I'm relieved when I finally reach the secluded peace of the gate, away from more people.
Now I smile when as pass the very same tree where Keeth first encountered me and laugh as I head towards the rock where I awoke that day. There and my favorite spot is where we meet. One or the other. Today it happened to be the rock, though we'd probably end up at my favorite spot at some point. I needed the comfort of it.
I quietly approach the spot where I know Keeth will be. As I creep up, he doesn't hear or see me. I peer around a tree to see whether he's there or not. I'm always cautious in the woods now.
I see him, not but a few feet away from where I'm standing. He has a knife raised and braced in his right hand. He throws it in the direction of a tree about fifteen feet away from him. The blade strikes square in the middle of the trunk.
I come around from behind the tree with an actual smile on my face. "Nice shot," I say, now making my presence known.
He jumps for a second, not expecting me to be here. He smiles. "Hey," he says. He peers around behind me at where I came from. "Gosh, Colemet, you're so quiet."
I shrug. "It's a gift," I say sarcastically as I approach him.
"Ha-ha," he says mockingly. I push him to the side. He pushes back. It makes me chuckle. I forget about my worries for a minute, just being here with him.
He sits down on the large slanted rock and pats the spot next to him with his left hand, motioning for me to sit. I do so. When I do, I lean and put my head on his shoulder.
He sighs. I feel his expression change even though I can't see it. Without looking up, I ask, "What?"
He sighs again. "What was wrong with you in church this morning?" He knows me too well.
At that, all of the happiness I felt a minute ago seems to vanish. I sigh now. "I think you can guess," I say quietly.
"The Reaping," he replies. I nod with my head still on his shoulder. His arm comes up around my back and his hand goes to my shoulder. He pulls me tighter. "I thought we talked about this."
"We have," I confirm in a small voice.
"Didn't I tell you that you don't need to worry?" he reminds me.
"Yes," I say. "But I don't believe you." At least I'm completely truthful.
"Why not?" he asks. "Neither of us need to. Our names are only in there as much as they have to be. Five for me, three for you. That's it. Why are you so worried?"
I sigh. "You know why," I tell him. And he does.
"Colemet…" he starts. "The Capitol isn't going to do that. They're above that at this point." His grip tightens.
"The Capitol isn't above anything," I say. "They want me dead, Keeth." I feel the poison in my words. I've never really said it out loud before. "And if they really do, they'll get what they want. This is just an opportunity for them. An open door." I sigh again. I feel tears threaten in the back of my eyes.
He shakes his head. "They've left you alone during the Reaping for the past two years. What makes you so sure they'll start now?"
I know this answer in my head. "Cintia's twelve now. They could take us together," I say. "Plus, it's a Quarter Quell. They have all the opportunity in the world."
My voice is really shaky from the tears I'm trying to hold back now. When I blink, they spill out of my eyes. I feel Keeth shift closer to me, and as if on cue, his other hand comes up to my face and he gently brushes my tears away with his thumb. I don't know how he knows, he hasn't even turned his head. He knows me so well. That's how he got everything about me out of me. I'm usually closed up and reserved, I don't trust too many people, but somehow, Keeth managed to get his hands on every secret I've ever had, anything in the world that I've kept from him. He somehow figured me out entirely. And I still ask myself how.
"They wouldn't do that," Keeth answers, breaking my train of thought.
"And why not?" I ask through my tears.
"Think about it, Colemet," he says. "If it somehow occurred that you and Cintia just got reaped together by sheer coincidence, the son and daughter of two of the most famous Victors in all of Panem, no one would believe it. And that'd cause trouble for the Capitol. Trouble they're not willing to deal with."
I sniff. I know he's right. But he's also missing something. "That doesn't mean one of us won't get reaped."
"It's not so bad…" he tries. I cut him off before he can finish.
"You've heard the stories our parents told us about the Arena," I say. And we have. We've discussed the stories to each other before. We know what our parents have seen, we've almost seen it in our own minds. It's a scary, and worse than that; it was real.
Keeth sighs. I'm too stubborn; I can't be talked out of this. "You need to stop worrying," he says. "And just hope for the best."
"The best is too much to hope for," I retort quietly.
"Stop," he says. "I'm serious." I feel him stiffen. I keep quiet.
"I'm sorry, Keeth," I say apologetically after a long silence. "I can't help it."
"Yeah," he says stiffly. "I'm sure."
"Don't be mad," I say pleadingly. "Please. You know how I get. You know that… You know everything else, too…" The last sentence comes out mumbled.
I feel him straighten a little. "What was that last part?"
"Nothing," I respond quickly, almost too quickly. "I mean, it's nothing…" He wasn't supposed to hear that.
"Come on, Colemet." He gets to the point; he's not messing around with me. "I know you better than that."
I sigh. "Exactly," I say. "That's just the point."
He nudges my head off of his shoulder and looks at me with a confused expression. "What are you talking about?" he asks me.
"You!" I say. I stand up. "How on earth did you manage to do it?"
"Do what?" he asks as he looks up at me, still confused.
"Everything!" I reply, almost yelling. Keeth looks taken aback. "I'm one of the most reserved people probably ever, I never let anyone in, I don't tell people anything. How did you manage to get everything out of me?"
I don't know why this is all bursting out of me now. Maybe it's everything pent up in me from the upcoming Games. Maybe it's just the realization of what Keeth has really done now. I don't know. But either way, whatever has poured out of me isn't anger, but I can't exactly distinguish what it is.
Keeth stays still. Then he nods slowly and solemnly. He glances up at me with an arched eyebrow. I see the smirk on his face that I've come to love. "You don't get it, do you?"
Now I'm confused. I cross my arms over my chest. "Get what?"
He stands up and looks down at me. His smirk is broader now. "This has nothing to do with me. It's just you."
I look at him in disbelief. "What are you talking about? Of course it's—"
He cuts me off. "Colemet," he says. He takes a step closer to me. "You're not used to people caring about you."
"That's not true," I retort. "A lot of people care about me. Too many people care about me."
He shakes his head. "Then you shouldn't be so reserved with so many people who care about you, right?"
"Well… it's different," I say. "My family cares, but in a different way. With everyone else… it's… it's not…"
"Real?" he finishes for me. "Exactly."
I go silent. I feel my expression soften. He goes on. "You're not used to having someone care about you. I care about you. And now that you do have someone, something so rare in your life, you can't help but trust them. You don't know what else to do. That's why you trust me." He sighs. "Even so, I still had to manipulate you a bit. I had to get you to talk to me. Otherwise, I knew you'd get to a point where you would shut down. And I couldn't let that happen."
"You manipulated me to get me to talk?" I question in disbelief.
He doesn't exactly seem sorry about it. "It was for your own good."
It's hard to hear directly, but I know he's right. He does care about me, and I'm not used to that. But now realizing everything, what's been said, what's been done between us, it worries me knowing that he knows everything. It must show on my face or something.
"Colemet, you don't have to worry about me knowing everything," he says comfortingly, almost as if reading my mind. He puts one of his hands on my shoulder. His voice is quiet "I let you know that you could trust me for a reason. I told you on the day that I met you that I wouldn't hurt you. I meant it. And I still mean it now."
I can't help it. I basically collapse in to hugging him. I wrap my arms around him and fall in to his arms. My face is smushed up against his shoulder, but I don't care. I realize now how much I need someone like him, someone who's a friend, who will always be there for me. Someone who knows everything about me.
I feel his arms wrap around me, one hand resting on my back right where he can probably feel my heartbeat and the other is stroking my hair. He speaks through my hair. "You can trust me," he whispers.
"I know," I say in to his shoulder. I hug him tighter. He does the same.
After probably minutes of that, we finally break our embrace. Keeth sits back down on the rock. I follow him without hesitation. I start out sitting next to him, but I quickly move to laying down, my head in his lap. His hand reaches up and strokes my hair again.
We sit in silence for a while. I feel his steady hand move rhythmatically over my blonde hair, smoothing it down on my head. His hand is warm. I sigh. Finally, Keeth breaks the silence. "You have to be strong, Colemet," he says. When I glance up, he's shaking his head. "They're just waiting for you to break down."
I nod my head against his leg. "I know," I reply. "That's why I do it here."
He manages a smile at that. "You just have to be careful," he says seriously.
"I know," I repeat. I shake my head now. "Never in a million years will I give the Capitol what they want, Keeth. And that includes my surrender."
He lets out a chuckle. "There's the Colemet I know."
I smile. I'm not usually this torn up. It's just the day, the circumstance, everything is eating at me today. I'm usually better.
We both get lost in our thoughts again because we both end up silent. Eventually, after staring off in to the distance for a while, I feel my eye lids start to get heavy and my blinking slow. Eventually, my eyes close completely and I slowly drift off to sleep…
…
It's as if I'm right there, watching it happen.
I see what I know as the Cornucopia, giant and golden, standing in all its glory. On top of it, I see my mother, how I picture her young, with a loaded bow that she's about ready to launch. I see my father young, too, but he's in a headlock in the clutches of a blond, overly-muscular teenage boy who's battered and bloody.
My heart picks up and breaths come in short gasps. I look down at myself, but there's no body for me to be contained in. As if I don't exist but I do at the same time. Huh.
I watch the scene unfold. I gulp in my nonexistent body. I've seen it before. My father draws an 'X' on the blonde boy's hand from blood. I shudder. I know what happens next.
I see my mother's fingers release the arrow and go through the hand. I cringe and scream, but no noise comes out of my nonexistence. I see him fall down off of the Cornucopia. I watch the mutts pounce on him like he's nothing.
I scream nothingness again. I watch the mutts tear him apart. The blood, the empty look, the eyes of the fallen tribute wolves. I can't bear it…
…
I wake with a start and a scream stuck in my throat. I don't release it and I don't open my eyes. I feel myself breathing hard, almost gasping with each breath. My face is wet, either from tears or sweat. I can't even tell.
I let my eyes flutter open now. I see Keeth's face, looking back at me gently. I'm almost curled in to a ball on his lap, gathered in his arms, holding me to him, cradling me like a child. I turn my head slightly and look around.
We're in my favorite spot, surrounded by Cucumber trees and Black Chokeberry bushes.
I feel tears stream down my cheeks now. I'm breathing deeply, the breaths coming in short gasps. I feel Keeth's hand stroking my hair, trying to comfort me and calm me down. I rest my head against his chest and just let him hold me.
I have that nightmare every year when the reaping comes.
It wasn't a long dream, but it had to be long enough for him to carry me here like he always does when it happens.
A heaving breath crossed with a sob escapes my lips. I feel Keeth pull me closer and hug me tighter.
"Shh, shh…" he tries to comfort me. "It's ok. You're ok. It was only a dream."
I let out a short sob and hiccup. "No," I manage to say. "It was real."
