It had been a long and tiring day for Olivia at work and she was thankful to finally be at home. She dropped her pile of paperwork onto the coffee table and plopped down on the couch letting out an exaggerated breath. Just thinking about her day brought tears to her eyes. First, there had been great tension between Amanda and Nick and she kept having to break them up, causing them to get angry with her. Then, there was a case involving a two little kids who were left alone to fend for themselves and Olivia wished she could have brought them home with her. To top all of that off she came home to an empty apartment because Brian was at work. She wanted a drink right now more than anything.
Olivia got up and made her way into the kitchen where she opened the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle. She sat it on the counter and just stared at it, fighting everything inside of her to pour it down the drain. If she could just get rid of the wine then she wouldn't even have to think about it. She popped the cork out of the bottle and walked to the sink where she started pouring but then stopped. She just wanted to drink a little, a little bit couldn't harm the baby, right? Except she knew better. She tipped the bottle all the way over and watched as the poison snaked its way down the drain. When it was finally empty Olivia realized that she was crying. She didn't understand why this was so hard on her. She hated that she was fighting an inner battle with herself. She let out a small sob before tossing the glass into the trashcan, letting it shatter into several pieces.
Back in the living room Olivia opened her binder of papers from work and busied herself on filling them out. Maybe that would take her mind off of everything. She was able to get a few pages in when her cell phone began ringing and the caller I.D let her know that it was Brian. "Hey," she answered.
"Hey," he said back, "if you haven't had dinner yet I was going to stop somewhere on my way home. Anything sound good?"
"Uh, I don't really care. Whatever you want is fine."
"Something wrong?"
"No, Brian, I just don't care what we have for dinner. Anything is fine."
"Okay... I'll be home soon."
"Bye." Olivia hung up the phone without another word. She knew she was being difficult and standoffish but she just wish someone could understand how she was feeling right now. It seemed like everyday was another battle and there was so much piled on her plate. How much more was she suppose to take? Having a baby was supposed to be the best thing but now she was doubting it... how could she take care of a baby when she couldn't even take care of herself at this point?
Olivia sighed and threw the binder to the floor, covering her face with her hands. She was so tired. Why did Cragen think she was ready for this position?
"I got pizza," Brian said carefully as he made his way inside.
That was enough to cause Olivia to burst into tears. Brian noticed and quickly sat the pizza down in the chair and made his way over to her. "Liv, what's the matter?"
"Pizza gives me heartburn," she cried as she leaned her head against his shoulder.
"I can make you something else. Pasta? Chicken?"
Olivia just shook her head. "Maybe we aren't ready for this." She looked up at Brian with her tear filled eyes and he saw nothing but sadness.
She took the words right out of his mouth and he was left without anything to say. Brian sat down next to her and a hand through his hair, thinking of anything to say that would make her feel better. "Maybe we aren't," he whispered, "but we have eight months to get there." He moved his hand to her back and rubbed it soothingly. "I'm just scared... what if I mess up? What if I wasn't meant to be a mom?"
"Olivia, trust me, you were put on this earth to be a mother. I see how you interact with kids and it's in your DNA. Children love you. Those two kids today, Nick said you stayed by their side the whole time and you even bought them lunch from McDonald's."
Olivia looked up at him surprised. He and Nick weren't exactly friends so she wondered why they had talked.
"You talked to Nick?"
Brian nodded, not wanting to start an argument of any sorts. "He just advised me that I should take off work early because you had a pretty hard day, that's all."
Olivia took a deep breath and then nodded, folding her hands in her lap. "I think this is the right thing," she admitted quietly, "I think that I waited longer so I'll be even more appreciative and I think having a baby will help us. Bri, I love you and I've been incredibly difficult to deal with lately and I'm just sorry."
"It's okay," he said, "I understand." Then he leaned over and planted a gentle kiss onto her lips, capturing the taste. He felt as if that kiss could take away all of her pain. Even if Olivia didn't believe in God, he did, and he was sure that her being pregnant was a sign. It was a sign that after all of the darkness they had been through they would come out into the light and experience incredible joy.
When they pulled away to breathe, Olivia smiled a genuine smile and it was one that Brian had dearly missed. She reached her hand up and cupped his cheek, "I missed this."
"Missed what?" Brian asked with a smirk.
"You," she said with her smile growing even bigger, "we haven't exactly been romantic with each other since that night..."
"Well," Brian said as he began to straddle her, "we have tonight." Brian ran his hands over her hips and under her shirt causing her to shiver at the touch.
"What about the pizza?"
"Right now, my girlfriend needs me more than that pizza."
Olivia chuckled before another kiss came crashing down on her lips.
In that moment, Olivia realized that she didn't have to be the only one eating off of the plate anymore. She had Brian and in rough times she sometimes forgot but, he always seemed to remind her. Thinking of him and the new life growing inside of her made it very easy to forget about the alcohol. If only she could keep telling herself that...
