Twelve hours later she was still in two minds. She wanted to know what he had to say, and she had some pretty choice things to say to him, but on the other hand she knew that if she phoned him and spoke to him then he would be in her life. She had come so far in her life without him being a part of it and she didn't particularly want him muscling in now. Not when she was at her most vulnerable and liable to forgive him forty years of neglect purely because suddenly the fact that she'd never had a family seemed to matter. Thanks to him, and her mother, she didn't know what it was to be a part of something. She didn't have anybody to celebrate a birthday or Christmas with, or call in the evening when she was lonely. The last time she'd been in hospital she'd had to put Elliot down as next of kin because there were no other candidates. She had nobody and until now that hadn't mattered to her, but now that there was the baby it did. She didn't know how to be part of a family and she knew that she was going to get it badly wrong because she had been hidden behind her barriers for so many years that she didn't know how to do anything else and the barriers weren't going to work with the baby. At least if she fucked it up with the pathetic excuse that passed for her father it wouldn't matter. She didn't need him, she'd been fine all this time without him, and in any case however badly she behaved it would never be as bad as him not acknowledging her for over thirty years.
'Hello, is that Neil?' she asked nervously. Unsurprisingly when push came to shove and she came to choosing between whether to delete his number or make the call she'd made the call. She needed to know things from him, not least how the hell he got her address and her home number, and she knew that if she didn't call then she would regret it for the rest of her life.
'Yes. Jacqueline?'
'It's Jac' she told him. The fact that he was using her full name was even odder. Only official people – lawyers, police, doctors who didn't know better – used that name. Even on the rare occasions when she did something that got her into a medical journal it was never Jacqueline, only Jac.
'Sorry. Jac' he corrected himself apologetically 'How are you?'
'Fine' she replied.
'I'm pleased you called'
'Yeah well, there are things that I want you to tell me. We can start with where you got my address and telephone number'
'I hired somebody to find them for me' he replied without a hint of shame 'I wanted to contact you and I got nowhere trying to track you down myself, but it's possible to pay people who are far better at that kind of thing than I am'
'Your hired a private detective?' she echoed, horrified at the thought of some seedy old man poking around in her private life. 'Could you not have tried something less sordid?'
'Like what? I considered contacting you at the hospital but I thought that you wouldn't want that. You don't need me crashing through your life in front of all your colleagues' he added. I don't need you crashing through my life at all, she thought to herself. The more that she learned about him the more she wished that he'd never bothered to track her down.
'Okay, well, how about why it's taken you nearly forty years to decide that you want to know me. Why now?'
'Because it took me nearly forty years to find out that you existed'
'What do you mean?' she demanded, stunned at the suggestion because it had never even occurred to her that her father didn't know that he had a daughter. Her mother had told her that her father had walked out on them when she was a baby. In fact, her mother had used it as one of many unpleasant ways to goad her when she was younger. Little Jackie: such a little brat that even her own father didn't want anything to do with her. She'd never doubted her mother's version of events because it had never really occurred to her to, until now even though her mother's relationship with the truth had always been tenuous at best.
'I mean that after she told me that she was pregnant your mother told me that she'd had a termination and that she never wanted to see me again' he explained wearily 'It didn't occur to me to demand proof and not seeing her again was no great loss to either of us. We were hardly love's young dream: we'd seen each other no more than three times and it was obvious that there was no future for us. We went our separate ways and I didn't even think about her until last year…'
'What happened last year?'
'You were in the paper. Something had happened at your hospital – some guy died in the back of an ambulance or being transferred to another hospital or something – and you gave a statement. You look so like your mother, but you have my eyes. And your grandfather's surname…'
'So you don't actually have any real proof that you are who you say you are?'
'If you want proof I'm more than happy to get a DNA test or whatever' he offered and she bit back a laugh. Between this and Jonny demanding DNA tests right left and centre whenever she suggested that he might not be playing a pivotal role in their child's upbringing, Jeremy Kyle would get weeks worth of mileage out of her and the mess that passed for her family.
'Why would my mother tell you that she'd had a termination when she hadn't?' she asked, but she already knew the answer. Her mother would do that because she was a spiteful bitch.
'Are you close to your mother?' he asked wearily.
'Not exactly, but then you already know that' she pointed out. Any decent private investigator wouldn't have taken too long about uncovering the six years she'd spent in the care system. 'What would you have done if she hadn't lied to you about the termination?'
'I don't know. Asked her to marry me probably' he replied, but at least he did it with a laugh. 'With hindsight I think that would have been a monumental mistake for all of us, but I do regret the fact that I wasn't there when you were younger. Especially when your mother…'
'Dumped me in care and buggered off to find herself in India? Yeah, those are the times when a girl really needs her dad'
'I'm sorry that I wasn't there. If I'd known…'
'Yeah, you'd have been there, I get it'
'I'd still like to be. I know that it's probably too little and thirty years too late, but I would like to get to know you. Would you be happy to meet? I can come to Holby' he added and she froze. This was a question that she hadn't prepared herself for, largely because she thought that she'd have sent him away with a flea in his ear long before he got around to suggesting a face-to-face meeting. The truth was, she didn't want him in Holby. She certainly didn't want him in her house, infesting the place with thoughts of him when she needed it to be a sanctuary. She didn't want him at the hospital where they would have an audience. She didn't really want him in Holby at all because it was her turf. If they were going to meet then she wanted it to be somewhere neutral.
'I'm on a course in Bath in a couple of months time. I'll be there for a couple of days. Perhaps we could meet and get a drink' she suggested. Bath seemed a fair enough compromise: it was close enough to him to be convenient and far enough that neither of them was going to be on their home turf. It was as close to a perfect opportunity as she they were going to come.
'I'd love that' he told her, managing to sound genuine even though she doubted whether she did.
'Fine. I'll call you nearer the time, let you know the arrangements'
'I'll look forward to it' he replied, sounding so pleased that she almost felt sorry for him. She could only imagine the disappointment when he realised that his daughter was a chip off the old block, and she knew that she was. She never acknowledged, even to herself, that she was like her mother but she only had to think of the way that she'd treated Jonny and the way that her mother had treated Neil to know that they were more similar than she would ever be willing to admit.
ooooo
'I'm sorry, you want me to what?' Jonny stared at her, mouth hanging agape as he tried and ultimately failed to comprehend what she was saying. It didn't seem to her to be such an outlandish request but it had clearly knocked him for six.
'I'd like you to come to the antenatal class' she repeated slowly, articulating each word carefully as if she were talking to a person of below par intelligence. 'You do want to be as involved as possible?'
'Well yes, of course…' he stammered, still in shock '… but you said…'
'I know what I said' she replied. When he'd broached the subject of the antenatal class less than a month earlier she'd laughed and said something about hell freezing over. She didn't want him coming to the bloody antenatal class, making life even more difficult by charming the socks off all the other women there and pissing off all the husbands, and she certainly didn't want a birthing partner which would be what he'd assume was the point of the classes. Even now she found the idea of the two of them sitting on the floor, him supporting her shoulders and her learning how to breath faintly ridiculous, but she had asked him because she was determined to prove that she was nothing like her mother. The swiftest way to do that was to start to treat Jonny like a human being and not an irritation. It was no wonder that he was astounded. 'I changed my mind'
'Why?' he asked, bright enough to realise that there was more to this than met the eye, stupid enough to look a gift horse in the mouth and ask the question.
'Does it matter? You're getting your own way. Be grateful for that'
'Fine' he sighed, knowing that she was right, and that if he continued to push his luck then she'd change her mind. 'When is it?'
'Thursday, half past seven, down on maternity' she replied, already regretting inviting him along. He had every right to be involved but she knew that if he, or anybody else, ever chanted push at her like an annoying cheerleader then she would lay them flat with a well aimed punch. 'This doesn't mean that I want you to be at the birth. It's more that I want them to teach you how to change a nappy so that I don't have to'
'Of course' he replied, but he was grinning and the twinkle was back in his eye. Her unfairness over the scan had been well and truly forgotten. As she turned away from him she watched him punch the air and stifled a sigh. Sometimes it felt as though she already had a child, as well as the one that she was carrying.
ooooo
When they left the course they were both mute with horror. It had started badly when she'd caught him flirting with the midwife leading the session during the introductory coffee. She wasn't entirely sure that she hadn't heard him referring to her as his baby mama but she consoled herself that he couldn't possibly have been that crass, even in the name of getting laid. After that it had been down hill from there. The midwife had shown a video that left nobody in any doubt that giving birth was going to be a messy, painful, unpleasant business and now she felt sick and he looked as though he was about to throw up.
'I need a drink' he murmured as they headed for the car park. 'And to think I considered a career in midwifery'
'I think it's safe to say you're not cut out for it. You looked like you were about to faint back there'
'You didn't look so hot yourself' he pointed out with a chuckle.
'Well it's me that's got to do all of that…' she flapped her hand and pulled a face, distressed by the memory '… that pushing stuff. Anyway, I thought that you'd given up alcohol'
'So did I' he shrugged 'Half a pint won't hurt. For the shock, you see. Are you coming?'
'I suppose so' she agreed. 'Somebody has to see you home when one beer turns into half a dozen and you're in no state to drive'
'Why did you really ask me along tonight?' he asked. To her surprise he had taken her not to Albie's but to a small country pub off the beaten track where their colleagues wouldn't interrupt them. He had driven himself and, as promised, had ordered only half a pint for himself, as well as a pint of lemonade for her and two bags of crisps. Right now it was exactly what she needed, but his question spoiled her mood somewhat. 'Did you just want to scare the hell out of me?'
'No, that's just an added bonus' she replied with a grin 'Anyway, I don't know what you're looking so pasty about. Nobody's going to force their way out of your body like some kind of inconsiderate wrecking ball'
'So then why?' he queried, wisely choosing not to dignify the wrecking ball thing by acknowledging it.
'Because I felt bad about the scan, if you must know' she sighed. 'It was a mean thing to do, and it actually had nothing to do with you at all. I wanted to remind myself who was boss and the scan was… a useful way of doing that, I suppose'
'And nothing at all to do with that phone call you took the other night? Because you were clearly shaken by that…'
'That phone call was nobody's business but mine' she snapped, then immediately regretted it because so far the "be nice to Jonny" thing was having mixed results, and because if she was honest she would feel better for sharing it with somebody, even if it was just Jonny. 'It was my dad'
'Your dad? But I thought…'
'That I grew up in care? Yeah, I did. He only found out that I existed when he saw me in the papers after the Richie Mooney thing and Hanssen's career suicide attempt, at least so he claims. Apparently my mother lied about being pregnant with me and he never saw her again'
'And you believe that?'
'Knowing my mother, I wouldn't put anything past her'
'And you wouldn't be trying to make up for your mother's treatment of your father by being nicer to me?' he asked, looking a little smug which immediately rankled with her.
'Drop the pop psychology, Maconie. It doesn't suit you'
'Sorry, sorry' he put his hands up in a gesture of defeat 'So, the baby's got a grandparent?'
'Hardly. I haven't even properly decided whether I want to meet him yet. I've got this far through life without him'
'And you're such a well rounded person' he agreed. She didn't need to hear the sarcasm in his tone of voice to know that he was taking the piss. 'You should give him a chance'
'The two of you could make some kind of Fathers for Justice splinter group' she suggested with a smirk on her face. 'I haven't decided what I'm going to do about him'
'Well I'm sure that you'll make the right decision'
'Yeah' she agreed, but she was far from convinced. Where Neil Bridges was concerned she was beginning to seriously doubt that there was a right answer.
'And for the record, I don't think that you're anything like your mother' he added, sincerely this time. She didn't really believe that he knew anything about it, but she was grateful to him for having the decency to pretend.
