Title: I'm Alive 3/5
Author: Alyce Gates
Rating: T
Pairing: Dean/Cas
Spoilers: Everything through the end of Season 4 is fair game. I have heard a few spoilers for season 5, but none of them are included in this fic.
Summary:Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;-)
Dedication: This is dedicated to Ashley and Nicola both of whom made this story possible. You two are awesome!
A/N: Thanks again for all of the great reviews. Sorry this is a little late. I just finished the last chapter, so my plan is to post chapter 4 tomorrow and the final one on Thursday. Right before the main event!
I'm Alive 3/5
It was with great relief that Dean finally parked the Impala in front of Bobby's house.
"We're here, Cas," he said reaching a hand into the back seat to shake the sleeping man's shoulder.
Castiel came awake with a jerk and yelped as he tumbled onto the backseat floor board.
Dean sighed and got out of the car.
He opened Cas' door and helped him out. The former angel seemed relieved to be back on steady ground. Already his face seemed a little less green than it had for the duration of the trip. Dean felt slightly guilty that he had to push Castiel so hard, but his only thought had been to get to Sam.
"Hey Bobby," He called to the older hunter who was walking toward them with a determined expression on his face.
Dean took a step toward the house, not realizing that Castiel was holding onto his arm to stay upright.
Another yelp sounded and Dean shut his eyes, struggling to hold onto his patience.
At first, the clumsy angel routine had been amusing, endearing even. Now it was getting old. As an angel, Castiel had been the epitome of gracefulness and control. As a human, he had some real balance problems. He hadn't even been human for a full twenty-four hours yet, and already he was covered with bruises and cuts.
Dean turned and looked at his fallen angel lying face first in the dirt. He looked so pitiful that any irritation the hunter had, fled and was replaced by a painful guilt as he remembered that this was done to Cas because of him. The angel was just one more person to be hurt for being too close to Dean Winchester.
"Dude, you got to catch yourself with your hands when you fall like that," Dean chastised gently as he, yet again, pulled the man to his feet.
"I'll try to remember that," Cas said, wiping at his nose and gasping when his fingers came away bloody.
Bobby approached then, holding a towel in one hand and a flask in the other. The old hunter was studying Castiel with weary eyes.
Dean began to introduce them, but was interrupted when Bobby suddenly sloshed water out of the flask into the former angel's face.
Castiel wiped at his face, streaking the wet dirt and blood onto his cheeks and glared at them.
"I may be new to being human, but even I know that throwing water in someone's face is not a customary way of greeting."
Dean snorted. "It is for Bobby," he said, grinning but frowned when Bobby sloshed water into his face as well.
"Holy water to the face is the price for entry to my house. If you're not a demon it should be no problem," the older hunter explained with a shrug and handed Dean the towel.
"How's Sam?" Dean said, patting his face dry and then handing the towel to Cas.
Bobby sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Hasn't really started yet. He's just sittin' down there waiting. Won't come out, doesn't want to eat or talk," the old hunter had dark circles under his eyes.
"Jesus, Bobby when's the last time you got some sleep?"
"Coupl'a days," he answered with a shrug.
Dean frowned and looked at Cas who was staring blankly at the towel in his hand.
"Cas, wipe your face off," he said.
Both hunters watched as the former angel hesitantly patted at his face with the towel.
Dean sighed, again, and took the towel back.
"You should try and get some sleep, Bobby. I'll get Cas settled and check on Sam," he said, carefully wiping the dirt and blood from Castiel's face.
Before Bobby could answer, Castiel suddenly began gasp and doubled over.
"Cas? What's wrong?" Dean demanded, hauling Castiel back upright and looking him
over for the source of his distress.
His face was turning blue and he had a hand at his neck.
"Bobby! He's not breathing," Dean called, panicked.
The old hunter pushed Dean out of the way and quickly helped Castiel sit on the ground.
"It's okay, boy, just put your head between your knees and breathe," Bobby commanded, gently rubbing his back.
"What the hell, Bobby? What's wrong with him?" Dean demanded his heart racing.
Bobby looked up at him. "Go get some water, hurry," he ordered.
Dean raced to do as he was told. It seemed to take years to make it to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and grab a water bottle. He ran back, panting and relieved to see that Cas seemed to be breathing alright again.
Bobby took the water bottle from him, opened it and gave it to Cas.
"Drink it slow," he instructed.
Castiel slowly sipped at the bottle, and Dean was surprised to see tears running down his face.
"Bobby, what-" Dean began, but cut off at Bobby's glare.
"Castiel, you okay now?" Bobby asked, gently. Castiel gave a little cough, and then nodded. "Good. Can you tell us what got ya spooked?" The older man pressed.
"Spooked?" Dean repeated.
Bobby gave him a stern look. "I know what a panic attack looks like, Dean."
"Oh…"
Castiel looked back and forth between the two of them but didn't say anything.
"Cas? What was it?" Dean asked.
Castiel blinked at him, "What was what?"
"What were you thinking 'bout before you stopped breathing?" Bobby clarified.
Castiel tilted his head as he thought.
"When you threw the holy water at me, I realized that I can be possessed now. The demons can use me to hurt Dean and… Then it got hard to breathe…" he coughed again
and drank some more water.
Bobby stood up and headed into the house without another word. Dean took a seat on the ground beside Cas and put an arm around the other man's shoulders.
"Cas, I won't let anything like that happen. I swear…" Dean promised, and wiped a tear from Cas' cheek.
More tears fell from the former angel's eyes and Dean pulled him into a tight hug. Castiel stiffened at first, then relaxed and buried his face in Dean's shirt.
Dean held the fallen angel close and blinked back his own tears. So much had happened in the last few days. He was exhausted, the devil had risen, and they had no plan. Sam was locked in the panic room, detoxing, and Castiel, his angel and most powerful ally, was barely a shadow of his former self.
He had just about lost the battle of holding back his own tears when Castiel mumbled something into his chest.
"Hmm?"
Cas leaned back and looked up at Dean with wide blue eyes. "I said, I've never had a hug before. I've seen humans hug each other… I never realized how good it feels."
The light from the setting sun gave everything a soft look, and as Dean stared into those large, deep blue eyes he had the strangest impulse to lean forward and give Cas what would probably be his first kiss.
Bobby cleared his throat and Dean jumped to his feet nearly losing his balance. Castiel stood up carefully and turned toward Bobby.
He handed Castiel a talisman that was tied onto a leather string. "Long as you're wearing that, no demon can take you over," he explained.
Castiel quickly slipped it over his head and nodded at Bobby. "Thank you."
He nodded back and the three of them finally went into the house. A sleep deprived Bobby bid them goodnight, and Dean started to explain to Castiel how the television worked.
"I know how to watch TV, Dean," Cas snapped, irritated.
Dean bit back a retort and just raised his hands in surrender. "Fine. I'm gonna check on Sammy," he said and headed down to the panic room.
Sam was sitting up on the bed staring at the wall in front of him.
"Hey Sammy, how ya feeling?" He asked, trying to smile.
Sam shot him an odd look. "How do I know you're real, and not just in my head?" His
brother asked, voice breaking slightly like he had spoken in a while.
Dean winced, feeling a new wave of guilt for leaving Sam for so long.
"I'm real, Sam," he said sitting down beside his brother. "I had to go get Cas from Chuck's, remember?"
Sam nodded slowly and blinked. "Yeah. Is he okay?"
Dean nodded. "Yeah, I think so. I mean, he's fallen, but he seems okay…"
Sam sighed and reached over to pat Dean on the shoulder. "It's not your fault."
Dean shook his head and looked away.
"Dean, it's not your fault. You gotta quit being so hard on yourself…" he trailed off with a shudder.
"Sammy?" Dean asked, worried.
"It's okay. I'm okay…" Sam said, putting a hand over his eyes.
"You don't look o-"
"I'm not! I'm not, okay!? It hurts… I want demon blood more than I've ever wanted anything, but I don't want to want it…"
Dean just watched his little brother, helplessly.
Sam took a deep breath and seemed to get a hold of himself. "Talk to me Dean. Tell me about Cas," Sam instructed.
Relieved at being able to do something, Dean quickly launched into a detailed account of
everything that had happened since he had left Sam at Bobby's the evening before.
"And then, he told me that he'd never been hugged before and I…" he trailed off with a blush.
Sam had been absorbed in his brother's story and was astonished at the blush. "You what?" he pressed.
Dean looked away and muttered, "I almost kissed him."
Sam's jaw dropped. "You almost kissed him? Dean, he's a…A fallen angel and a… A him!"
"Yes, I did realize that, thanks." Dean shook his head. "Besides, I didn't actually do it, just thought about it, that's all," Dean said, silently cursing himself.
He hadn't intended on telling anyone about that ever. But as he spoke Sammy had started looking at him like he used to when they were young, like Dean was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Dean had missed that so much over the past year that he'd quit thinking about what he was saying and just kept talking so Sam would keep looking at him like that.
Now Sam was laughing.
"It's not funny," Dean said indignantly.
"S-sorry," Sam gasped, not sounding sorry at all.
Dean cleared his throat. "Enough about me. How are you, really?"
Sam sobered and sighed. "Not great, and it's only gonna get worse..."
"It'll get better, soon," Dean said with a confidence he didn't really feel. Sam nodded, but Dean suspected that it was more to placate him than that he actually believed that. "And I'll be right here with you," Dean continued.
But Sam shook his head
"No Dean, it will be easier if you stay away during the worst parts. Really, I'll probably be so far gone it won't matter if you're here or not. Besides, don't you have a clumsy angel to make out with?" Sam said with a chuckle and ducked just in time miss Dean's fist.
They mock-wrestled for a minute like they used to when their biggest concern was figuring out how to exorcise some lower-class demon. It made them both long for those simpler times. Sam pulled back and put a hand over his eyes again.
"You should leave now, Dean," he warned, gritting his teeth.
"No, Sammy, you're not going through this alone," he insisted.
Sam gave him a fierce glare. "No, Dean. Going through this is bad enough, but this is my doing. I can handle it. What I can't handle is you having to watch. Seriously man, go take care of Cas. You can't help me right now," Sam pointed at the door.
Dean huffed, but had to admit that if their places were reversed he wouldn't want Sam suffering along with him. Besides, Sam was right. This withdrawal was his own problem,
Cas was Dean's.
"I'll check on you in a few hours."
"I wish you wouldn't."
Dean shook his head. "A few hours, and I'll be back," he promised and left Sam to suffer in silence.
&&&
Dean just couldn't seem to do anything right as far as the former angel was concerned.
After leaving Sam, Dean had spent a good two hours trying to convince Cas to eat some of Bobby's chili.
"You need to eat, Cas. You don't have your Grace to sustain you anymore…" He'd felt guilty for saying it, but he didn't know what else to do to get him to eat.
Dean had assured him that the reason he had gotten sick after breakfast was because they were in the car and he had been motion-sick.
Eventually, Castiel had hesitantly tried a bite of the chili, and found it surprisingly enjoyable. He'd then went on to eat three bowls full. Twenty minutes later, the former
angel was retching into a toilet.
Bobby had awakened and chewed Dean out for feeding Cas chili. "Chili? You gave a former angel with a weak stomach chili?"
"He liked it! Besides, you didn't have anything else," Dean weakly defended.
"I have soup, you idjit!"
When Cas's stomach had once again been completely emptied, Dean had helped him
clean up and settled him onto Bobby's couch.
"I'll start cleaning out the upstairs rooms tomorrow, seeing as how ya'll be hanging around for a while," Bobby said, and went back to bed flipping the light out as he left.
Dean sat in a chair and studied Castiel in the moon light. The man had an arm over his eyes, and was taking deep breaths through his nose, clearly still nauseated.
"Cas, you okay?"
Castiel actually glared at him. "Dean, please quit asking me that. I don't think that I'm going to vomit again if that's what you want to know," he said.
Dean winced. "I'm sorry Cas, I just didn't think…"
Castiel sat up on the couch and took another deep breath. "Stop apologizing. You are just trying to help me. I understand that. I know you would not purposely make me sick."
Dean nodded.
"I feel as though… I should apologize. I never imagined I would be so bad at being human," Castiel admitted looking at the floor.
"No, Cas. You aren't bad at it. Give yourself a break; it's only your first day after all,"
Dean said getting up and moving to sit next to him.
Castiel looked up at Dean curiously. "Do you truly believe I can do this?"
He smiled. "I know you can."
Castiel smiled back. "Then I will."
Dean patted him on the back and stood up.
"Dean?"
"Yeah, Cas?"
"Can I have another hug?" He asked, big blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.
Dean sat back down and pulled the smaller man into his arms. Telling himself he was only doing what anyone would have done in this situation. And if his heart skipped a beat when Castiel's nose nuzzled his collarbone it was pure coincidence.
&&&
It started at 2am.
Dean couldn't sleep. He'd like to think that it was Castiel's snores that kept him awake, though he's slept through worse. More likely it was thoughts of the man himself.
Thoughts of a certain nature that Dean had never really had before. Not involving a man anyway.
Regardless of the reason, at 2am Dean left the slightly uncomfortable chair he'd been using as a bed and went down to the panic room to check on Sam. If he hadn't been so preoccupied with thoughts of Castiel, he might have realized sooner that something was 'off' with Sam.
He quickly unlocked the door without much thought and stepped into the room closing the door behind him. It wasn't locked though.
He made his way over to Sam, who was still sitting on the small bed against the far wall.
The younger brother was staring intently at Dean as he slowly crossed the room.
"Hey, Sammy. I know I said I wouldn't come down here again tonight, but I wanted…"
Sam interrupted with a quick shake of his head. "No, Dean. It's fine. Actually I'm glad you're here. I've been doing a lot of thinking and there's something I want to talk to you about."
Dean smiled, relived that his brother hadn't put up a fight. "Sure thing," he said, plopping down on the bed and turning to the side so they could sit face to face.
Sam took a breath. "I think we may not be doing the right thing here," he said, looking up at Dean cautiously.
The smile left Dean's face. "What do you mean?"
Sam looked away with small sigh. "It's just, I have all this power. And I know that it's evil and all, but what if I can use it to stop Lucifer?"
"Like you stopped Lilith? You do remember how that turned out, right?" Dean snapped, crossing his arms across his chest.
"Just hear me out…"
"No."
"But Dean-"
"I said no, Sam!" Dean growled and got to his feet.
Sam scowled up at him.
Dean began to pace, desperately trying to rein in his temper. "I can't believe you would even consider it, Sam! After everything that happened, you're willing to jump right back in. I thought you were better than this!"
"Then you don't know me as well as you think," Sam said in a voice that was deeper than Dean had ever heard him use.
The flash of pure black in his brother's eyes was the only warning Dean got before Sam raised his hand sent Dean flying through the air. He hit the wall with a loud bang and fell face first to the floor. He blinked and coughed a few times, trying to get his lungs working again.
He heard Sam say, "Get out of my way," and looked up to see Castiel standing between
Sam and the door to the panic room.
Sam raised his hand.
"No-" Dean gasped and starting coughing again.
Castiel flung out an arm and all three of them were surprised when some unseen force sent Sam flying through the air like Dean had moments earlier.
Sam's head hit the wall hard and he blacked out before he fell to the floor.
Dean struggled to his feet and went over to Sam.
He was unconscious, but still breathing.
With a relived sigh, Dean looked up at Castiel to see him staring at his own hand in amazement.
"Cas, you okay?" Dean asked limping over toward him.
The fallen angels lips lifted slightly in the closest thing to a real smile Dean had ever seen him make.
"Maybe I'm not as useless as I thought."
End Chapter 3
