Remembering
When I crawled out of my dark haven, I wasn't sure how much time had passed. It could've been hours...it could've been more. I had to pull myself together enough to leave the safety of isolation, the quiet of the darkness, the calm that came from the silence. I had made the choice to be okay, and that happened to include people; so I made my way out of my emergency hiding place and into a desolate, eerily still hallway. There was a persistently heavy, dull numbness covering my every cell and panic slowly built in my chest into a raging, burning, suffocating anxious terror. I could hardly breathe and as I walked toward my room, I focused on what each muscle in my body was doing to distance myself from the panic overwhelming my nervous system. As I turned the door knob, I could see that all the lights were still on and I prepared myself for my most difficult cover yet: convincing my friends and family that I was okay. Despite my ever-crumbling facade, I thought I could still pull it off. It didn't matter that my mind raced faster than my heart rate or that I felt like screaming until my vocal chords ripped apart...I believed I could suppress the agony; disassociate from the memories. Macey was laying on her bed, reading a textbook; Bex was spinning her pocket knife in her hand; Liz was on my bed, evidently finishing my homework; and Zach was sitting at the foot of Liz's bed, writing something (presumably working on homework assignments) in a notebook. I could tell by the disappointment rushing through my chest that I had hoped they would all be asleep. But I was not surprised. They were my family...of course they were still awake.
"Cammie..." Liz was the first to speak and she sounded uncharacteristically unsure of herself. My face was hot as I noted each concerned expression all trained on me. I tried to recall what the blissfully ignorant Cam would look like in this moment, but I couldn't connect that person with who I was now. I didn't know how to fit in her place.
"Hey." Only a whisper came out; I hadn't spoken in hours. I felt my gaze fall to the ground as the panic rose in magnitude. My chest was tightening and it felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't get enough oxygen into my lungs. There was a bit of an awkward silence and I felt their stares while I locked my eyes on the ground. Before I could think of something to say, I saw Zach's shoes directly in front of mine. To his credit, he waited for me to look at him before slowly pulling me into a hug. As soon as he touched me though, I went rigid. I didn't want to pull away but there was a violent flash of his mother's face and I gritted my teeth, pushing him back a little. I didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes so I moved past him, feeling like I was about to explode. If I didn't get out from under their concerned stares, I was afraid of how I would react. I already could feel my limbs shaking and tears forming in my eyes. "I...I'm just gonna...take a shower. I'm...I'm fine." My voice quaked and I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. With that complete failure at a cover, I shut and locked the door, frantically turning the water on before I could break down.
...
A stunned silence lasted for about a minute after Cammie had locked herself in the bathroom and was only broken by a whispered curse from Macey's side of the room. The air was thick and tangled with conflicting emotions.
"What are we gonna do?" Liz whispered desperately, at a loss for how to help their friend.
"Be here...she's gonna push us away. We just have to be here." Bex shut her knife and tucked it under her pillow as she pulled her covers up to her shoulders, preparing for sleep if it should come. After a few seconds, Liz and Macey followed suit (almost silently). Zach was the only one who didn't move a muscle. "We'll take care of her, Zach. Promise." When Zach turned to the voice, he saw Bex sitting up in her bed. "I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. Plus, we'll know if she gets up. Never took that system off her bed." Bex sent the hesitant boy a sad smile. At any other time, that remark might've been humorous, but it only shook him from his stiff stance enough for him to consider what Bex was saying. Zach nodded and walked out wordlessly, glancing back to the closed bathroom door before leaving for the night. The three girls shared a look and Macey spoke up this time.
"Why is this happening?" Her voice sounded much smaller than usual. When no one responded, she started again, "I'm gonna kill Catherine Goode when we find her." Macey glanced at Bex and Liz with dangerous eyes. There was no doubt or hesitation in her words. Liz's brows furrowed in fear and concern but mixed with an aberrant and fierce agreement and Bex nodded, her jaw muscles working overtime as she imagined what she would do if she ever got her hands on that woman.
...
"Rachel, get some sleep. I'll keep an eye on our girl tonight." Abby tried to pull her sister from her thoughts as she sat next to her on the couch.
"No thanks." Rachel answered shortly, keeping her face stone. She'd sat on that couch for hours...thinking, processing, blaming.
"Rach. She's safe in her room. And you need sleep." Abby made her voice a little more forceful, her concern growing.
"She's not." Rachel answered quietly, still not looking at her worried sister. Her eyes were red and wide open, focused on the wall her daughter had been so fixed on earlier that day. There was a part of her that thought if she stared long enough, she'd be able to see what her daughter saw; understand what was going on behind those tortured, streaming eyes.
"What?" Abby was confused, but before she could say anything else, the distressed mother met Abby's gaze and spoke, the intensity taking her aback.
"She's not safe, Abby." She paused briefly, gritting her teeth. "Because it's her mind, her memories...they're consuming her...they're trying to destroy her. And I can't do anything." Tears were streaming down Rachel's cheeks, anger and despair making her voice shake. That was it. She couldn't hold it in anymore. She doubled over in her seated position, unable to hold herself upright. Abby's heart was breaking at the sight of the strongest person she knew: broken, helpless...suffering. Her own tears were hot as they burned down her face and she pulled her big sister close, trying to comfort her and hold her together. Abby ran her hand over her sister's hair as they rocked back and forth, whispering words she hoped would comfort or strengthen or calm. Rachel was shaking uncontrollably...this was too much for her. She'd endured so much...given so much of herself-she couldn't handle Cammie losing herself too. They stayed like that for a while until the Headmistress could stop the quaking.
"She going to get through this." Abby, despite her shaky voice, firmly believed that statement with everything inside her. She had to believe that. If she didn't, what was left?
"How do you know that?" She sounded like a child as she wiped her raw eyes, choking on the air a bit as she spoke.
"Because you raised her. She's strong, Rach. You've taught her how to endure...how to keep putting one foot in front of the other..."
"That's what I'm afraid of." Rachel pulled her knees close to her chest and it didn't escape either woman that this mirrored Cammie's demeanor in that very spot only a few hours prior.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't deal, Abby. I push it down...I ignore it...I suppress. And she's watched me 'cope'. She can't suppress this, Abby." Rachel wasn't crying anymore and she stood up suddenly, making her way to her desk.
"Rach, what are you doing? You need to sleep." Abby shook her head at her stubborn sister, a little exasperated.
"No. I need to find her." The Headmistress barely got 'her' through her teeth, her jaw was clenched so tightly. Abby gritted her teeth at the determination on her sister's face and knew it was no use to try to make her go to sleep. After a few minutes of listening to Rachel's frantic typing, Abby stood. She couldn't sit here any longer. There was nothing more she could do for the moment.
"I'm gonna check on her." Abby's concern and apprehension seemed to fill the small office to the point where it was difficult to breathe. Her sister's pain and helplessness were suffocating and she wished she could do something to stop it. And her niece...oh, her sweet, talented, devoted, loyal Cammie. Abby would give anything to trade places with her. Just the thought of Cammie being at the mercy of someone as malevolent and remorseless as Catherine Goode made her sick. Physically ill. If only she could erase those memories-take away the scars-go back in time and stop Cammie from leaving...but she couldn't. Her heart clenched painfully at that impossibility, her mind reminding her of the harsh reality. And now she had to figure out a way to help that sweet, devastated, damaged, broken girl through the worst time imaginable. Abby took a short breath before sneaking a peek into the dark room. But she didn't see Cammie anywhere. Panic shot through her body, tears pricking at her eyes as a scream built in her throat. Before she could react physically in any way, Bex was walking to the door from her place on the floor next to the bathroom. She gestured outside. Abby swallowed back the barrage of emotions threatening to break free and followed the young girl into the hallway.
"She's been in the bathroom since she got here. I figured once we all pretended to go to sleep, she'd come out..." Bex paused. "But she never did. We tried to get her to open the door a few hours ago but she just kept saying she was fine..." Bex's eyes were red, whether from a lack of sleep or from boiling emotions rising up, Abby didn't know, but she could see the girl's strong facade cracking. "I didn't want her to be alone...so I told her I'd be right outside." Now Bex looked like she might fall apart and Abby quickly grabbed the girl in a tight hug. To Abby's surprise, Bex reciprocated the embrace right away, clinging to her as if she could somehow gain strength from this connection. Abby squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. The helpless agony had affected so many around Cammie and Abby was astounded by the intensity of the pain in her own heart as well as everyone else. The rarity of Bex's vulnerability was foremost on the older woman's mind as she held the young British girl close.
"I don't know what to do...I can't just do nothing." Bex pulled away slowly, wiping her eyes and trying to swallow back the bitter helplessness.
"I know...but there's not much we can do. You know that." Abby paused, tucking a strand of hair behind Bex's ear. "You need to sleep. I'll go sit with her, okay? She won't be alone." Despite the dread of seeing her niece in such a broken state, Abby wanted nothing more than to be beside her; to try to hold the pieces together. Bex hesitated, an expression of dissent forming around her eyes. "You can't function on no sleep. Come on." Abby didn't wait for an argument as she gently led the girl back into her room. Bex settled her tired body into her bed and watched Abby pick the bathroom lock and slip inside. Bex didn't think she'd be able to sleep, but her heart hurt a little less knowing Cam was not alone.
...
The light was off in the bathroom and Abby closed the door as silently as she could. When her eyes adjusted, her breath hitched. Cammie was laying on the floor. Her knees were pulled to her chest, her hands cradling her head as if she were trying to prevent something from escaping. Tears fell from her eyes as she spotted Cammie's dull, agonized gaze. Her eyes were fixed at the wall directly in her sight and Abby couldn't tell if she was aware of her presence in the room or not. She re-locked the door and slowly lowered herself to the ground, using the sink for support. For a few minutes Abby just sat in silence, recalling a time when she'd been stuck to the tile floor of her bathroom, unable to move or process. There was nothing she could say but she inched closer to her niece and put a warm hand on her tensed shoulder. Silently, she mirrored Cammie's position on the floor and closed her eyes, not once taking her hand off of the broken girl's arm. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity before Cammie sat up. Abby did the same, carefully observing her niece's expressionless features. It was strange. And wrong. She didn't quite look like Cammie; at least, not the Cammie she knew.
"Cammie?" Abby kept her voice a whisper.
"Hey." Cammie visibly straightened her tired posture and glanced briefly at her Aunt's concerned gaze before looking past her to the locked door.
"I'm sorry, Squirt." The words spilled from Abby's mouth before she could consider what she was going to say. Cammie's brows drew together slightly at the apology.
"You have nothing to apologize for." Abby was grateful to hear the girl's voice and see a semi-normal response from her.
"I do." The conversation was slow; calculated. There was a silence and the two women let it grow until it swallowed the room. Finally, Abby spoke again. "I should've been there to stop you. I should've found you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cam." Abby hadn't intended to say any of this. It was just coming from her mouth, unwilling and unstoppable. For a minute, Abby thought Cammie would break down, scream, cry, accuse...but she just looked up at her with dull eyes.
"It's not your fault, Abby. It was my decision to leave. It's on me." Cammie hardened her voice to stone and made her eyes unyielding and unreadable. Cameron Morgan felt a wall shooting up around her and it felt safe, it felt real, it felt like control. The numb spread further through her bones and now she knew she could do this. She could push the memories away. She could create a cover and live that cover like it was the truth. She would be okay. Because that's the only option she gave herself. She would become okay.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I'm awful at updating, but I always appreciate the feedback and the notifications I receive when one of you follows or favorites or reviews! R&R! -mlw217
