Waking up had been part of Stu's plan, although waking up face down on the floor with a stiff neck hadn't.
Waking up on the floor and discovering that there was a stranger in the room also had not been part of plan.
Waking up on the floor to find a stranger in the room and discovering one of your teeth was missing/gone/bye bye was absolutely not part of the plan at all and should never be part of anyone's plan ever.
But the baby was the worst and latest discovery of that joyous and eventful morning. Stu didn't think there were enough tears available to express just how happy he was to be a part of this magical Vegas trip.
"Ok, what…what the hell are we going to do with the baby?" he asked.
They had set it on a table and were sitting around it in chairs, staring at the baby like it was a ticking bomb. It squinted back at them and wiggled a little.
"I think we should feed it," Allan suggested.
"That's a good idea," the stranger agreed. "And since you have tits, you can be the one to feed him!"
"I find that very offending," Allan said gravely, looking directly at the stranger.
"Hold on, I'll go call 911 and tell them I hurt your feelings," the stranger replied, getting up from the couch. "Maybe they'll know what happened to tall, tan, and wimpy over here."
"I cannot wait for something bad to happen to you," Phil said, glaring at him.
"Feeling's mutual, pal."
"GUYS! There is a baby on the table! What are we going to do about it?" Stu hollered.
"Maybe it's his baby," Phil suggested, nodding towards the stranger.
"Whoa, no. Hell. NO," the stranger said immediately, holding up his hands. "Nicolas does not have any babies. Anywhere."
"Little defensive there, guy," Phil noted, smirking. "Sure you haven't squirted out a tyke or two somewhere? I mean, you know the saying. What happens in Vegas…"
"That saying'll hold up real well when I kill you and no one finds the body."
"Whoa, guys, you hear that? He's threatening me."
"I don't care. We need to decide what we're going to do with this baby," Stu insisted. "This isn't a minor decision like, 'Oh, what tie will I wear today?' This is serious stuff. So think, guys."
"You could cook it," Nick offered. "I bet baby's tasty."
"That's not constructive," Stu snapped.
"You are the worst person I've known aside from Darth Vader, and he had valid reasons for turning to the dark side," Allen spoke up.
Phil was frowning in an effort to keep from smiling at the look on Nick's face. The struggle took most of his concentration, so he was unable to think of what to do about the baby.
After several lip movements that failed to form a response, Nick sat back down on the couch next to Phil and stared at Allan as if he couldn't conceive that such a person could exist.
"We need to find its parent," Stu decided. "Or parents."
"And it's not me," Nick interrupted.
"Dude, we know that. See, in order to have a baby, someone has to want to have sex with you," Phil explained, grinning. "And buddy, the way you look—"
Whatever Phil was about to say next got cut off by a slap across the face from Nick. Phil's jaw dropped in surprise, and then he wrapped his hands around Nick's throat and started shaking him. Nick started clawing at Phil's eyes before he realized that was a chick move and instead yanked his hair and punched whatever he could reach, both of them yelling death threats the entire time.
"Kick his ass, Phil!" Allan cheered.
Stu jumped to his feet, glaring furiously at Phil and Nick.
"That's it!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, startling Nick and Phil out of their brawl. "Both of you in the corner now!"
"The corner?" Phil repeated, confused. "What are you—"
"Go stand in the corner right now. You're on time out. You can't behave and offer reasonable ideas like the rest of us, so Allan and I have to be the mature ones and figure out what to do about the baby."
Allan shook his head disapprovingly.
Phil pointed at Nick. "But he hit me first!"
"Phil, you provoked him. We all heard," Stu said. "Now I'm putting both of you on time out, so go to the far corner and stay there until I say you can rejoin us."
"You're putting me on time out," Nick scoffed. "You gotta be kidding me. The last time I was on time out was in kindergarten."
"Well, you behave like you're still there," Stu replied, then pointed to the far corner. "Now go."
After a few tense seconds, Nick and Phil both grudgingly got up and sulkily slunk over to the corner, muttering under their breath and casting glares at Stu.
"When Phil's off time out, he'll be my role model again," Allan declared.
Stu stared at Allan and wondered if this had been a good decision.
"This is your fault," Phil muttered, resting his chin on his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs.
"My fault?" Nick asked incredulously. He was also in the same position as Phil. "You're the one who couldn't man up and take a lousy slap. Besides, you had it comin'. I bet you got a lot worse with that mouth of yours."
"You're one to talk!" Phil snapped. "You talk shit all the time! Almost from the moment I met you you've been bitching nonstop about everything and being rude as hell!"
"There's a lot to complain about!"
"Just keep it to yourself. No one wants to hear what you have to say."
"I do."
"No one else does, and we outvote you."
"Not in my book," Nick muttered, but he fell silent.
They glared in opposite directions, waiting for Stu and Allan to make up their minds about the baby.
"How did we even get a baby up here?" Phil wondered aloud several minutes later. "I mean…was it like a purse snatching but with a baby? Or did we like…I don't know, smuggle it?"
"And what exactly did you guys think you were going to do with a baby once you got it here?" Nick added. "Raise it in a Vegas hotel room? Ransom it without knowing who its parents are?"
"I don't know," Phil sighed, putting his head on his knees. "I hope it's not the baby of a mobster or something."
"That would be a ransom-worthy baby," Nick pointed out.
"Yeah, but we'd be totally fucked once we got the money."
"True. But you'd get good money."
"Ok, guys, time out is over," Stu announced, walking up to them with Allan beside him.
"Phil, you were whack," Allan said. "But it's ok, I know you didn't mean it. We're cool now."
"Terrific," Phil muttered, getting to his feet.
"You and I?" Allan continued, pointing at Nick and then himself. "We are not cool. We will never be cool."
"That is o-kay with me," Nick declared, also getting up.
"Allan," Stu interrupted, "has a little carrier…thing that he can use to cart the baby around so it's not all alone in the room."
"Wait, are we going out?" Phil asked.
"Yyyes. See, we just realized—"
"Doug's gone," Allan said.
"What?" Phil shouted.
"He's not here," Stu sighed, rubbing the space in his teeth. "He might be, but we're pretty sure he's not. Neither of us saw him when we got up."
"Well we can't just make assumptions, let's double check this place!" Phil insisted.
"That sounds great," Nick said, "but I have to piss, so you guys have fun. I'll, uh, check the bathroom, don't you worry."
"Thanks," Phil sneered, "you're such a big help."
"I know."
"Yeah, thanks," Allan said, off by a few seconds.
"It's ok, buddy, you'll catch up one day," Nick assured him, patting him on the shoulder. Allan swung wildly at Nick's hand and missed.
Nick backed away and headed quickly for the bathroom as the other three spread out and searched the rest of the room for Doug. Nick opened the bathroom door and then shut it behind him. He calmly walked over to the toilet and unzipped his pants before peeing, sighing in relief. He heard Stu, Phil, and that weird guy saying there was no sign of Doug anywhere. It sounded like they were moving back towards the outside of the bathroom. Nick zipped up his pants and flushed the toilet before turning to his right to wash his hands.
That was when he saw the tiger.
