The Wild Brunch: Blair's POV

Chime. The Gossip Girl alert woke me up at the ungodly hour of 9:30 AM. I sat up to read it and felt my head pound. Ugh, I only had this severe of a hangover when I was seriously annoyed at something-or someone.

That's right. The little slut, Serena, and her ew-inducing sidekicks, the Humphrey clan. And Nate, falling all over Serena. Had we ever properly made up?

And then scheming with Chuck. Oddly, the best parts of my night had Chuck in it. The limo ride, and then our pact we made as we were watching the Three Musketeers leave for the outer boroughs. We were going to take them down. And that thought made me elated, almost as much as the thought of winning back Nate.

I took a sip of the Evian I kept beside my bed and read the alert, trying to ignore the spinning inside my head.

I bet you're wondering what Gossip Girl is doing up so early. Truth is: I never went to bed. Why waste precious time dreaming when waking life is so much better?

Is there really anything better than a lazy sunday? Reading the paper in bed, sipping coffee, scrambling an egg or two. Yeah, right. We Upper East Siders don't do lazy: Breakfast is brunch and it comes with champagne, a dress code and a hundred of our closest friends... and enemies.

Chuck's dad Bart Bass is hosting the annual brunch for his foundation. Everyone is invited. Well, not everyone.

I chuckled when I read the last part. At least Gossip Girl was against the Humphreys and Serena as well. I hoped that skank wouldn't show her face today at brunch. But, I had to say, I was looking forward to what Chuck would do to her...

I had to shake these thoughts about Chuck out of my head. They were starting to become more frequent than thoughts of Nate.

I got up out of bed and padded to the little mannequin Daddy had brought back from France.

Eleanor had put an outfit on it, along with a Post-It note. Went to Paris. Brunch is at 2. Wear pearls!

I sighed. Only Eleanor-I refused to call her 'Mom'-could tell her own daughter that she was leaving to a foreign country for who-knows-how-long on a Post-It note.

The dress was so not my taste. It was one of her designs, and it had 'elegant' written all over it. It was way too blue, and the silk would make my legs look humongous. Not wearing that.

I put on my robe and sauntered downstairs. Dorota had laid out some waffles with whipped cream and berries-my favorite. I decided I shouldn't eat anything, though-I was bound to drink my calories at brunch and I still needed to be in tip-top shape in case me and Nate got around to doing anything.

I still thanked her, nonetheless. My minions were already there, helping themselves to the spread. They were also looking at Gossip Girl and talking about the S-slut in hushed tones.

I cleared my throat, announcing my presence. The whispered died down. "Serena had better just stay away," I decreed. Kati and Iz nodded dutifully. "I don't want to see her at school and she better not show up at brunch today."

They rushed to my side, seeing my murderous expression that even thoughts of Serena had conjured up. "You're really mad at Serena," Kati said stupidly, pathetically trying to get me to dish.

Iz took my arm. "I hope you never get that mad at us." Ugh, what a kissup. That's what minions are for, I guess.

I smiled at both of them, placating them. "Well, you would never do what Serena did," I simpered.

They exchanged a look of confusion, mumbling never and of course not. They had no idea. The only person who knew other than the two offenders was Chuck, and of course, Chuck wouldn't ruin me by telling anyone...

Chuck again. Why had he slipped into my thoughts?

I shook my head. "I wonder if Nate remembered brunch," I said, plastering a dreamy smile on my face. "It would be so wrong to show up without my boyfriend who I love...and who loves me." I tried to ignore the pang as I thought about how Nate had cheated. If he really loved me, would he have let Serena take his virginity? It was a dismal thought. She deserved what was coming to her.

Kati and Iz tripped over themselves to dial Nate's number for me and hold the phone to my ear. I snatched my Sidekick out of their hands. If Nate mentioned what happened in front of the minions...well, they really couldn't keep their mouths shut.

After a few rings, Nate picked up. I could hear a few sleepy groans in the background. He had probably slept over at the Palace, like he normally did after parties.

Nate cleared his throat. "Hello?" he asked sleepily. He probably hadn't even bothered to look at the Caller ID.

"Hi sweety! Did I wake you?" I asked, purposely trying to sound as peppy as possible. I couldn't let the minions know there was anything up between me and Nate, and if my tone was anything less than ecstatic, they would ask questions. I was the best schemer around, but I had to admit that I was a pretty bad liar.

I heard rustling on the other line, as if Nate was just standing up. "No, I'm up," he said, sounding defensive.

I rolled my eyes playfully at Kati and Iz. They knew of Nate's lack of brainpower. "Well, get some strong coffee and hop in the shower, sleepyhead! Chuck's dad's brunch for his foundation is today at the Palace." Why did the world seem to revolve around Chuck?

"Uh, great. Of course." Nate replied, then I heard the line go dead. What happened to exchanging I love yous before we hung up? A little voice told me this was the beginning of the end, but I squashed it.

"I love you too, honey," I spoke into the dead line, then turned to the minions cheerfully.

"Nate was up. He was at the Palace, and he and Chuck are getting ready right now."

Kati and Iz looked interested at the mention of Chuck. "Did you hear what he did to Jenny Humphrey?" Kati asked.

"Serena came to rescue her, then that guy she was with punched him!" Iz finished.

I rolled my eyes. I didn't need a recap. "Well, Chuck and I are taking care of it. If Serena or the Humphrey family ever shows their face at one of our events ever again, they are dead meat," I declared.

Just then, my phone started buzzing. Speak of the She-Devil.

"Ooh, it's Serena!" the minions exclaimed, reading the screen.

I made a face and let it ring. I deleted the voicemail for good measure, too, without bothering to read it.

"Now, ladies. Tell me about your evenings last night." I was not in the mood to hear anything more about Nate, Chuck, the Humphreys, and least of all Serena.

As they prattled on about their little crushes and endless supply of meaningless drama, my thoughts drifted to Chuck once again.

Why was he the only one who cared enough to deal with my relapse? If I had called Nate in a panic, he would have just told me to feel better and have brought over a box of chocolates the next day. Chuck, on the other hand, had come over, reassured me, and even climbed into bed with me until I was okay. No sex, not even any touching. He was like a different person. Huh.

Why was Chuck a good guy around me? It wasn't because he had known me forever. He had known Serena for even longer, and he had tried to force himself on her the other night. Something just didn't add up.

Ugh, this was too much. I needed to brood in private. "Kati, Iz, you are dismissed," I told them. They headed toward the elevator but stopped dead when they saw the flash of blonde hair walking out.

"Blair, hey!" A sunny voice trilled.

"Uh...Blair?" Kati called.

"Do you need reinforcements?" Iz hissed.

I shook my head. "I think I'm capable of talking to my ex-best friend without any help. Leave, ladies."

And then I turned to Serena with a stony look on my face. "Serena." No emotion. She didn't deserve to know how much I had stressed over her.

Her smile faltered a little, but brightened up again to blinding level as she reached in her bag and produced a bag from Dean & Deluca and a DVD of Breakfast at Tiffany's.

"I got two baguettes and an Audrey!" she exclaimed, my indifferent expression failing to put a damper on her sunny mood.

But I would sure as hell try to turn her smile upside down. I tapped my chin indifferently. "I must have totally blanked on the part where I invited you over..." I trailed off, my eyes wide and innocent.

Serena looked confused. "I-I called you. Blair, it's Sunday morning: coffee, croissants, 'Breakfast at Tiffany's.' It's our tradition." She was starting to get sadder.

I rolled my eyes, deciding not to mention that she had not brought coffee or croissants. "I have new traditions now," I huffed.

Now it was Serena's turn to roll her eyes. "They're not traditions if they're new," she said, her jaw beginning to jut out and her weight shifting over to one hip. That was her 'annoyed' stance.

I ignored her, sitting down with the Post. Page Six had posted a picture of the Kiss on the Lips party, along with an inset of...Serena and Jenny? Gawd, this bitch had to go.

Serena sighed. "Look, Blair, I'm really trying to make an effort here. I thought everything was good between us!" Her blue eyes were becoming rounder and I knew she was getting upset.

I looked at her like she was a dumb child. "It was. Before I found out you had sex with my boyfriend." My voice broke a little at the mention of Nate. I cursed myself.

Serena obviously had not found out that I knew. Her mouth was open and her eyes were bugging out. I looked at her, waiting for something. An explanation, perhaps? And definitely an apology. "H-how did you find out?" she asked instead.

I let out a pent-up breath. Of all the things she could have said. Did it really matter? "Nate told me. At least he felt like he owed it to me to tell me the truth." I made my words as stinging as possible.

"I...don't know what to say," Serena said, looking at the ground. How about I'm sorry?

I snorted. "Don't bother saying anything. I wouldn't believe you anyways."

Serena held her hands up, trying to get me to stop. "Blair, it was...!"

Great comeback, Serena. Score one for the blondes. "You know. I always knew you're a whore. I just never took you for a liar, too." I smiled at her cruelly, letting her know that I had, and always would have, the upper hand.

"Blair, how can I fix this?" Serena whispered. I think I saw a tear roll down her cheek.

Well, too bad. The bitch had already cost me too many tears. "You don't Serena. You just stay away from me, my boyfriend, and my friends. You're done here."

And then I walked away, leaving her in the hallway, alone. Of course she didn't know what me and Chuck were plotting, but she should stay away from us in the process.

Serena's visit was short, and apparently not very sweet, but you know what is? Revenge. We hear it's best served cold. You hungry?

Once again, Gossip Girl was always right on.


I was lying on the couch, trying to contemplate what Chuck and I should do to ruin Serena, when the elevator dinged.

"Dorota, I told you I don't want to see anyone!" I yelled at my maid.

I got up to see who it was. It better not be Serena, and I wasn't really in the mood for Nate. Could it be Chuck, with a plan? My heart skipped a beat. Huh. Weird.

But instead, it was little Jenny Humphrey. So not the person I wanted to see. I actually despised the little freshman. On top of being an annoying kiss-up freshman, her brother was the living scum of the earth and had punched Chuck! Nobody punches Chuck Bass and gets away with it.

But I had to find out anything damaging Jenny knew about her brother. I owed it to my partner-in-crime.

So I plastered a fake-looking smile on my face. "Hey...Jenny." I said, managing to sound unexcited, but not (overly) mean.

"Hi," Jenny said timidly.

I rolled my eyes. She was so uncool. "What do you want?" I asked, getting to the point. I would not be caught dead in a chit-chatty conversation with a Humphrey.

She panicked. Obviously unprepared. "Uh...I realized that I still have your...calligraphy pens from the party invitations...and I thought you might need them for...something." Her face was all scrunched up as she said it. What a horrible liar.

"That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. You wanna know what Chuck Bass is saying about you," I said, my face curving into a smile. Since when did I get all smiley over Chuck and one of his freshman victims?

"No!" Jenny said, defensively. Then she saw my smirk. "Is he? Saying things? Is anyone?" she looked a little panicked. I loved to play with the emotions of the underclassmen.

I dismissed her thought with a snort. "Humph. No. Not yet, anyways. Chuck likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims." Then an idea came to me. "Come, you can help me get ready for brunch."
Jenny looked happy. "Okay! Sure!"

Let the Dan questionnaire begin.


After we had gotten up to my room (she had actually stopped to comment on an arrangement of hydrangeas, for God's sakes), she urged me to try on my mom's dress.

I was right, it looked ugly. But Jenny, ever the kiss-up, was hell-bent on complimenting everything. "Wow, Blair! It's beautiful! I mean, you look beautiful!"

I rolled my eyes at her naivety. "It's average at best. The collar is so last season. Besides, Stella McCartney's got a much better version at Bergdorf's."

I gauged her reaction to the designer name-dropping. It was now common knowledge that the Humphreys lived in Brooklyn, which meant poor. Jenny's eyes were downcast. "Right...I've been meaning to go by Bergdorf's." She laughed nervously. This girl was a worse liar than Serena.

She randomly walked over to the chest at the foot of my bed and picked up a doll that was lying on it. "Wow, these dolls are great!" What a weird compliment. "Oh my God, you've got a Cabbage Patch! My brother has one of these. His name was Cedric."

Good, we were finally getting somewhere. I looked at her quizzically. "Your brother's name is Cedric?" Obviously, I knew who Dan Humphrey was-and hated him because Chuck hated him-but she didn't have to know that. It would make her close up the gossip font, and we were just getting somewhere.

Jenny laughed nervously, not sure if I was being serious or making fun of her. "No. That was his Cabbage Patch Kid. My brother's name is Dan. Actually, you might know him-he, uh, went out with Serena last night."

Double ew. Dan played with creepy little dolls and Jenny had mentioned the S word. Not to mention how hopeful her face got when she mentioned Serena, as if she was this perfect angel who had saved her from the grasps of the evil Chuck Bass. It was totally the other way around. Sure, Chuck was the devil's spawn, but he would never dare hurt me. Serena, on the other hand...

I feigned more ignorance. "That was your brother? So does that mean you're friends with Serena now?" I waited to hear what she would say. All my biases aside, Serena would never be 'friends' with a freshman from Brooklyn-or anyone from Brooklyn, for that matter.

Jenny stalled, knowing that me and Serena were on the outs. "I mean, I don't have a problem with her...but if someone did have a problem with her...I wouldn't have a problem with that, either."

That was a reasonably sane answer. Time for the bribe. "You know...if you like that dress...you can have it." Let some nobody wear it, I didn't care what happened to that piece of crap.

Jenny looked shocked. "What? No, no!" she told me, but I knew she really wanted the dress.

I smiled like the Cheshire cat. "I'm sure you'll find some way to repay me," I said, making it clear that what I wanted was the dirt on Serena and Cabbage Patch.

Her eyes were wide as she took the dress. "Wow, Blair, thank you! I mean, for the dress and also for the other thing...about Chuck." She lowered her voice conspiratorially for the last part. Ugh, when would these girls get over themselves? Chuck probably didn't give two shits about Jenny.

I toyed with the silk of the dress. "If you want to be part of this world, Jenny, people will talk, eventually. And you need to decide whether all of this-" I gestured to the opulence of my bedroom and out the window, to the Upper East Side beyond-"is worth it."

Jenny nodded. "I really do want to be a part of it," she said, eagerly.

I rested my hands on my chin. "I would be happy to take you under my wing, for one thing."

Her blue eyes were wide. "Just tell me and it's done."

"Find out anything about Serena you can. If you catch her even looking in Nate's direction-report back to me."

Jenny nodded again. "Done deal."

She got up to leave, but I stopped her. "And Jenny? You probably won't like this very much, given last night...but keep an eye on Chuck, too? I don't want him talking to that slut either."

Jenny gulped. "Okay..."

I smiled. "You're dismissed."

Once she had left, I placed my head in my hands. Why had I included Chuck? I didn't need daily reports on his conquests. And I was totally sure that he wouldn't go double-agent on me-he had been rejected by Serena, too.

Jenny would see that as a jealous girlfriend move. Shit. Because I wasn't jealous of Chuck Bass's whores...right?


Half an hour later, and it was time to go to the Palace. I had decided on a new dress of mine that was not an Eleanor Waldorf. It was long-sleeved white eyelet and totally my kind of dress. I paired it with a headband and tights, of course, and pearl bracelets so I could tell Eleanor that I had taken her advice.

I arrived a little bit late. I didn't believe in the term fashionably late, because punctual was always fashionable, at least in my book. But I was late enough that Nate, Chuck, Kati, and Iz were already seated at my table.

Nate looked cute, in a disheveled way. But my gaze went to Chuck right away. Because he had a black eye. Wow. That Dan boy must have really punched him hard. Either that, or Chuck's skin didn't have enough pigment in it to hide the bruise.

The Humphreys really needed to go down. Like yesterday.

I sat down in between Chuck and Nate, noticing happily that the table was only set for five. No room for Serena here.

I laced my fingers through Nate's, and turned to Chuck, raising my eyebrows with concern. "Black eye, huh? You know, I probably have some concealer in my clutch if you want to borrow-"

He cut me off with his hand. "No thanks, Mom," he sneered. "I'd rather just get Humdrum Humphrey back. He was loitering around this morning in the lobby like a psycho stalker."

Nate was beginning to look uncomfortable, ever the nice one. "Well, little Jenny stopped by, and I think I convinced her to be my newest info source."

Chuck grinned. "Find out anything of interest?"

I nodded. "I heard that Dan still has a Cabbage Patch doll."

Kati and Iz snorted. Chuck rolled his eyes. "We'll have to get more. I doubt we can do real destruction with that, but on that optimistic note, cheers everyone!"

We all clinked glasses, mimosas for everyone except Chuck, who was drinking scotch like an old man.

I had just taken my first sip-mmm, in the best drinks you couldn't taste the alcohol-when I spotted a flash of blonde hair. Shit.

It was Serena. Along with Dan Humphrey. They both looked extremely uncomfortable. Good.

I shook my head in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding," I said to the table, suppressing an angry laugh and gesturing to the couple in the doorway.

Chuck spotted them first and his eyes narrowed. His eyes slid to me, and he lightly kicked me under the table. "This should be fun," he said sarcastically.

Dan and Serena had no idea what they were in for. Because when Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass teamed up, our enemies were good as dead.

Fun, indeed.


I had not been able to break away from the stream of adults who wanted to talk to me, and scheme with Chuck, but I guess it was okay that the Captain and I were chatting. After all, he would be my father-in-law sooner or later (hopefully sooner).

"And you look beautiful, as always." I smiled. Next he was going to mention how much Nate had been talking about me, and after that there would be a mention of the Vanderbilt ring...

"Where's your lovely mother today?" My face fell a little bit. Not on the script. What did he want with Eleanor?

I waved my hands noncommittally. "Paris. Must be some drama at the atelier," I explained and smiled like my mother's fashion empire was nothing but middle-school drama.

The Captain nodded politely. "Nothing too dramatic, I hope. Her line is doing very well...I was just telling my firm what a great investment she'd make. She's really going places."

Suddenly, it dawned on me. The Captain wasn't talking to me because I was his future daughter-in-law, he just wanted me to spread the word to Eleanor! God, I hated when people did that. "Hopefully places far, far, away!" I said brightly.

He looked confused. "Just kidding!" I added, then saw Nate approaching. Thank God.

Nate took my empty glass. Huh, I must have downed it somewhere between Mr. Shafai and Bart Bass (that man was seriously scary). "I'll get you a refill. Be right back," said Nate's reassuring deep voice.

I turned to the Captain with a smile, ready to resume conversation, hopefully about Nate's loving intentions. But he just mumbled something and took off with Nate, putting his arm around his son and talking to him seriously. Nate looked a little upset. Wonder what that was about? Certainly not about me...


Nate was shaking hands with a man clad in an expensive-looking grey suit when Chuck came up behind me. Finally. The scheming was overdue.

"I can't believe Serena came to this brunch," I spat at Chuck. "I told her to stay away," I stressed.

Chuck smiled tightly. "You worried about Nate?" he asked me, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded. "Just a shot in the dark," he continued. "I think I know what you need to do to get his attention," he said, handing me an old-time key.

I cocked my head. "And what's that?" I asked, amused. Surely this key wouldn't get Serena and Dan to leave.

He grinned lasciviously. "A key to my suite, Nate's heart...and your future happiness," he drawled, still holding it out.

I took it, rolling my eyes.

He was smirking like to Cheshire cat. "I'm honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering."

Ugh, this is why I tried to ignore Chuck as much as possible unless we had someone to take down. Why did he take so much interest in the status of my V-card? "You're disgusting."

The grin widened, making him look even more lewd. "Yes, I am, so why be shy?" he said proudly.

He spun me around in the direction of Nate and the businessman, who were finishing their conversation. "Just grab Nate and finish this. Report back with details."

I rolled my eyes-like I would ever tell him details of my sex with his best friend-but sashayed over to Nate.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Good," Nate was finishing.

I crept up behind him and wrapped my arms around his buff torso. He looked back in surprise. "What are you doing right now?" I asked him, trying to sound seductive.

Nate's face got a little red as he stammered. "Well, I was just gonna..." he trailed off as I planted a kiss just below his jaw.

"How about me?" I purred.

Nate shifted from one foot to the other. Poor him, probably seduced by my prowess. "Um..."

I smirked. "Do you have a better offer?" I asked him, amused. If this was about Serena, I swear...

Nate shook his head violently. "No, of course not!" he promised. Thank God.

I continued the kisses. "Yeah?" I asked him breathily.

"Now?" Nate asked, getting turned on.

"Now, now," I said, pulling him into the elevator.

I should have had eyes only for Nate, but I couldn't help but catch a glimpse of Chuck standing behind us, watching us with a tortured look on his face. Huh?


I kept kissing Nate, trying to ignore the way Chuck's face flashed before my eyes, even when they were closed. It so was not normal to see your boyfriend's best friend when you were kissing, especially when you were about to do the deed. But then again, nothing in my life was normal these days.

I shut my eyes tighter, imagining white picket fences and my three children and Nate and I sitting on rocking chairs as old people. But Chuck's face loomed in once more. It was just that he looked...distraught. Heartbroken?

Okay, what the fuck. Chuck was the one who handed us the key. There was no way in hell he would be remorseful. I was just spending too much time with the Basshole.

As we were riding up the elevator, still intertwined, Nate broke away from the kiss. "Where are we going?" he asked breathlessly. Almost with a little bit of concern.

I smiled. "I got us the best room in the entire place," I gasped, and went right back to planting kisses everywhere.

Nate looked pleased, and started grasping strands of my hair. Ick, I hated that.

The elevator opened right into suite 1812. Nate was leading me to Chuck's bed when all of a sudden, he stopped cold. "Wait, this is Chuck's room," he said in realization.

Uh, duh? Didn't he infer that already? He must have been drunk off my kisses.

Nate was staring straight ahead at the little ottoman off the bed. I turned to see what he was looking at.

Serena sat there with a panicked look on her face. "Nate..." she started.

Oh fuck no. The skanky bitch, slut, WHORE!

"Serena," I said, trying to infuse my voice with as much venom as I could. I took a big step away from Nate and Serena. The two-timing son-Nate-and daughter-Serena-of a bitch.

"Blair!" Serena pleaded. Nuh uh. No way was I having her petty explanation. I was just waiting for Chuck! Yeah, right.

"What is she doing here?" I demanded, turning to Nate. I was pissed. Not to mention horny. Serena had ruined our past three attempts to do it. Fuck, I would have been de-virginized like, a week ago, if her ass was still at boarding school. Why did she come back? Did she just want to ruin my everything?

"I was waiting for Nate," Serena pleaded, eyes wide. Pssh. Like that helped her case at all.

I whipped my head around to my boyfriend. It better not be what I thought it was-"It was just to talk. I swear!" Nate said. He really did not have a good poker face.

"You said you'd never speak to her again!" I hissed. Whatever Nate or Serena would say, there would be something wrong with it. They were not getting off scot-free with this one. Chuck and I would make them pay. Why did that make me a little giddy?

Serena looked at me like she had been shot. "You said that?" she asked, her voice full of hurt. Good. "Why would you say that?"

My voice rose. I was angry. Didn't Nate remember any of our sushi chat? "Because you can't be trusted!" I shouted, gesturing to her in Chuck's suite, at the exact same time Nate and I were supposed to do it.

Nate spoke up. "It's not Serena's fault," he said earnestly. Un-fucking-believable. He really did want Serena over me.

"Do not defend her!" I screamed, seeing red. Nate would probably sleep with the bitch again if he had the chance.

"I asked her to come," Nate persisted, holding up his hands like that made him innocent. Wrong.

"Oh. So you do want to talk to her," I exclaimed, giving Nate a triumphant look. There was no way he could win this argument.

"Yes...to explain...to explain why I'm not talking to her," he finished lamely, sticking his hands into his pockets and staring at the ground. If Chuck was here we would argue these losers into the ground. Where was he when I needed him?

"Maybe I'll leave you two to your fascinating conversation," I challenged. I needed to pull Chuck away from his whores. This was urgent.

Serena found her voice. "No!" she exclaimed, sounding crazier by the second. "I'll go! Let you guys get back to your quickie," she finished triumphantly. That insult probably took her the entire argument to formulate.

"It wasn't a quickie," I explained to Serena, as if she was an eight-year-old. "Sex is actually a big deal to some of us." Cough-cough, slut.

Serena just raised her eyebrows, unhurt. "Oh, yeah, I can see that. Chuck's bed? Very romantic. Classy, too." Hmm. Valid point. Who knows when he had washed the sheets...but still. I hated this girl in front of me.

"Oh, like you. I bet your new friend Dan would love to hear all about how classy you are." Perfect ending argument. Now I just needed to find Chuck and then tell Humphrey, and then Serena's life would be over. Just like that.

"Dan?" Serena asked, confused. But I was already in the elevator.


Where the fuck was he? Trust Chuck to have disappeared when I needed his help the most.

Okay, think like the Basstard.

Rooftops. He loved them.

I was right. As soon as I had gotten to the roof, I spotted Chuck and a girl making out furiously.

I tried to clear my throat, but neither of them had seen me yet. The girl wasn't half bad. Brunette curls, bow in her hair, colorful tights with her dress...

She was pretty much a carbon copy of me. Not the original, of course. But still, it was weird. I had thought Chuck's type was blondes...and this girl, whoever she was, was eerily similar to me.

They had to stop, because we had to find Dan.

I went right up to them and snapped my fingers in front of their faces. They broke apart, dazed. The girl even had brown eyes. The fuck?

Chuck looked stunned. "Waldorf?" he asked, dazed.

"Bass. Hate to interrupt your...whatever," I said, dismissing the mini-me, "but we have a situation."

Chuck pushed away the girl, who made a noise of indignation. "Normally, I would say you're a cock-blocking bitch, but I suspect this has something to do with van der Woodsen?" he drawled. Damn, his voice was sexy. He looked like a good kisser too...wait, what the fuck was I saying? I was just horny because Nate and I hadn't done it. Right?

I shook my head to clear the offending thoughts away, and then nodded for his sake. "And Humphrey. We need to find him."

Chuck made a face. "Why would I want to find Brooklyn? He's probably home, cuddling his Cabbage Patch doll by now."

"If he's here, we need to find him and tell him what Serena did with Nate last year. He'll break up with her for sure."

Chuck's face slowly spread into a smile. "Then both of their hearts will be broken, and we'll never have to deal with the Humphreys in our world again."

Well, they went to our school, but close enough. They would be more easily avoided.

"You sure you don't need to...finish up?" I asked him, wrinkling my nose and gesturing to my wannabe.

He shook his head. "We were done. I'll look for Humphrey."

I smiled. "Good boy, Bass. If you find him, bring him to me."

He smirked sarcastically. "Will do, queen Waldorf." And then he sauntered for the elevator.

When he had left, I looked over at a dejected mini-me. She smiled. I scowled at her.

"What's your name?" I asked suspiciously.

"Claire," the girl said. This was beyond weird.

I narrowed my eyes. "Well, Claire, you are dismissed. For good. Everyone knows that once Chuck Bass has sex with you, it will never happen again."

Claire furrowed her brow. "But we didn't," she muttered. "He stopped kissing me as soon as you came up. We hadn't even got past second base."

Interesting indeed. But she was still irrelevant nonetheless. I gave her a parting glance and left down the other elevator.

Chuck Bass never stopped having sex. What was it about me?

And why did my stomach feel like it was going down a roller-coaster?


I found Dan standing in the lobby as soon as I had gotten off the elevator. Obviously Chuck had not gotten to him. But Nate and Serena were nowhere in sight. That was good. Unless, of course, they were up in Chuck's suite doing...ugh. Not to be thought about.

I plastered a huge smile on my face, the same one as I had worn when I was speaking with Jenny. I would have to name this fake smile the Humphrey Special.

"Dan? Hi. I'm Blair Waldorf. Serena's friend." My lips curled disgustedly around the word friend, but I hoped he hadn't noticed.

Dan looked surprised. Serena probably hadn't mentioned me. Which meant she probably hadn't mentioned Nate. Which meant that he was in for the shock of his life. "Oh, hey," he said, finally acknowledging me. "Do you happen to know where she is?"

Did I ever. Up in Chuck's suite, screwing my boyfriend. The smile widened to scary proportions. "As a matter of fact, I do."

Just before I could tell him, Serena and Nate ran in, breathless. "Blair!" Serena called.

Dan looked relieved. "Serena, there you are."

"Hi!" Serena directed at him, eyes bright. She probably thought she could lead him away and she would get off scot-free. Not so fast.

"Where were you?" he asked. Perfect.

Before Serena could get a word in, I answered for her. "She was waiting in a hotel room for my boyfriend," I said coldly.

Dan looked a little shocked. Serena butted in before he could say anything like the little attention-whore she was. "To talk!" she yelled, glaring at me.

Nate thought this was an appropriate time to add something. "About why we weren't talking."

Wow. Really made that more clear. It was hard to be mad at my boyfriend because he was so adorably clueless. "That doesn't sound any smarter the second time," I pointed out, leaving both blondes dumbstruck and Humphrey still wanting answers.

He decided to fire off the questions like a reporter. "Why weren't you talking? Does this have anything to do with why you were waiting for Serena this morning?" he asked, directing the question at Nate.

This was news. "You were what?" I asked. Dammit, why did Serena just have to go and steal Nate away with her flashy blondeness?

Before Nate could defend himself or I could go into a rant, Chuck strolled in, looking like he just came back from a relaxing spa trip...minus the black eye. Why was Chuck always so unattached from all these situations? Damn him, he got all the fun of social destruction with no personal ties severed. "And here I thought you were waiting for me," he drawled smoothly, cocking an eyebrow at the scene around him and exchanging a pointed glance with me.

Dan snorted. "Oh, exactly what this situation needs. Chuck," he said sarcastically.

Chuck tensed. Dan continued, still looking confused. "Now what exactly is going on here?" he asked slowly.

I smiled tightly at Chuck. He smirked back. This was one of our favorite pastimes. "We were just getting to that," I said, my eyes shooting daggers into Serena but my voice betraying nothing.

"Blair, please, don't do this," Serena pleaded. She must really like this Humphrey guy. Well, too bad. I really like Nate.

I widened my eyes faux-sympathetically. "Sorry! Do you want to tell him?" I asked Serena.

Chuck looked perturbed by the girl drama. "I'll tell him," he butted in, rolling his eyes at our nonsense.

Nate looked shocked. "You knew?" he asked. I tried to follow along with Nate's shock, because Nate didn't know that Chuck had already known, and he didn't know that I knew Chuck knew, and most of all, he didn't (and shouldn't) know that Chuck had comforted me last Friday. Confusing, I know. But better to keep up appearances.

Chuck smirked at Nate, winking at me covertly. "I know everything," he said quickly. My stomach flipped. Obviously some bad caviar.

Dan cleared his throat. The odd feeling in my stomach went away. "And apparently I know nothing..." he trailed off. Right, social destruction. What we came for.

Serena was in full damage-control mode, which could only be turned on for her mom or her boy-flavor-of-the-month. "Look, Dan, it was a long time ago and I regeret it..." she said her eyes wide and pleading, stressing regret. Pssh. Like I regretted dumping yogurt on that girl's head the other day.

Chuck rolled his eyes again, giving me a look that said, I'll handle this. "Serena, stop trying to pretend you're a good girl. So you slept with your best friend's boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it." Always the flirt. Basstard.

Dan reeled backward. "Is that true?"

I smiled, raising my eyebrows at Chuck. "Well, then she ran away and lied about it. I just thought you should know before you fall head-over-heels for your perfect girl in her perfect world...and then get left all alone with no one but your Cabbage Patch Kid," I said innocently, spitting the last part.

Nate furrowed his brow. "Cabbage Patch?" he asked. This was why it was hard to stay mad at him. Our of all the things he could have said, he chose to ask about Dan's doll.

Dan looked confused too, the realization slowly dawning on him. "Did you talk to my sister?" he asked me. He obviously did not trust me. That was probably wise on his part.

Chuck smiled. "Ah, yes. Little Jenny. Do believe she and I have some unfinished business..." he trailed off, winking at me again. Obviously trying to get a rise out of Dan so he could leave. Clever.

It worked. Dan got up so close to Chuck I bet he could smell the scotch on his breath and looked at him with fire in his eyes. "You stay away from her!" he yelled.

Chuck smirk widened. "Poor Daniel, so little time, so many sluts to defend..."

But before he could finish, Dan pushed Chuck into a waiter carrying a large tray of cocktails. The waiter fell, causing the glasses to break and everyone in the room to turn around. The parents whispered, I spotted Kati and Iz taking cell phone pics, and if looks could kill, Dan would be dead on the ground right now with the quality of the glare Chuck was giving him. He looked vaguely amused, as well, knowing that Dan would now either be kicked out or leave on his own. Good work.

Dan looked panicked. "It's fine! It's fine!" he yelled, trying to calm down the frenzy of texts and alerts. "Everyone can just stop looking! He's a jerk," he said, pointing at Chuck, who was still steaming. For good reason. He was wearing an immaculate white jacket, and if any of those mimosas had gotten on it... "But it's my fault. And I'm leaving." Thank God. Way to take one for the team, Chuck.

"I'll go with you!" Serena pleaded, hanging on to his arm like a child.

Dan shook it off. "I'd prefer if you didn't," he told her, and stalked off.

Yes. Serena was brokenhearted and Dan was gone for good. But of course, I had an angry Nate.

"Hope you're happy," he said, glaring at me.

I tried to look sad. He had to think I was repentant. "Not even close," I said, and left, trying to catch Chuck's eye to tell him to meet up with me. We had to discuss the events and if there would be any follow-up missions.

Nate followed closely behind, so I told him I was going to the bathroom. That would chase him away. If Chuck heard me say I was going to the bathroom, he would assume I was going to purge and he would grab my hand and tell me I'm beautiful and...

Shit. When did I start to associate these emotions with Chuck Bass? He was going to be the death of me.

I just hoped he would find me soon so we could plan for our next social destruction. If he wasn't going to be the death of me, the least I could do is make sure he was the death of someone else.


Chuck found me in about five minutes. I was sitting on the little chaise lounge outside the lobby bathrooms, and I didn't realize how desperate I looked until Chuck pointed it out.

"Waldorf, waiting for your prince, are we?" he asked with a lecherous smirk.

I rolled my eyes. "More like my dark knight," I retorted, and then watched in horror as Chuck's eyebrows raised in surprise.

"You do realize I meant Nathaniel, right?" he asked. "Nonetheless, I'm assuming you're here for more scheming," he continued.

I nodded, disregarding the previous comment, even though I knew my cheeks had turned red. "We should probably talk somewhere more privately. Your suite?"

Chuck smiled. "Blair, the virgin ice queen, leading me to her suite. First time for everything. Lead the way."

Why was my stomach flipping up and down? Ugh, Chuck's lewd comments were really doing a number on me.


Once we had sat down on the couch and Chuck had poured himself another scotch (I swear, he is going to have his liver out before age 20), we got down to it.

Scheming, I mean.

"What now?" I asked. "Serena is brokenhearted, Dan is out of the picture, for now...what else can we do?"

Chuck smirked. He always had a plan. "Well, we can't be sure that the Humphreys are gone for good. But we can deal with that if the problem arises. But as for Serena...don't you think she needs more payback?"

I nodded. Revenge really was the best medicine. "Your suggestion on how to get her back?"

"Ivy week starts on Monday. I'm thinking we make her look as bad as possible for all the college scouts."

I smiled. "I can cut in during her chats, trip her in our field hockey game so she looks bad, that kind of thing?"

He nodded. "Impeccable plan," he drawled.

I sighed happily. "This really is a beautiful friendship."

"So I've been promoted to friend? I thought I was merely a casual acquaintance, only called upon when in need of a scheme."

I pretended to contemplate. "Well, you've been such a great help as of late, so I think it's only natural. Besides, I have a question to ask you. Friend to friend. About Nate."

He looked a little uncomfortable. "Aren't you guys going to break up after what he pulled with Serena today?"

I bit my lip, scooting towards him a little. I felt heat radiating off him in waves. Huh? "That's the thing. I mean, he's pulling all this shit with Serena, but he's so innocent, it's hard to stay mad at him. Has he said anything about us to you?"

Chuck looked conflicted, as if he was electing whether or not to tell me something. "No, actually," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "Nate is not the confiding type, then."

Chuck snorted. "More like suffer in silence," he blurted out before realizing what he had said.

I narrowed my eyes. "You think Nate is suffering with me?"

Chuck tried to backtrack. "No, that's not what I meant-" he said before I cut him off.

"I really don't know why I asked your advice on this," I spat, standing up.

He put his hand on my waist. Shit. Lightheadedness. "You going to find Nate?" he asked. Jealously?

I shook his hand away. "Yes. And he and I are going to reconcile, thanks to your wonderful advice," I said sarcastically, walking toward the elevator.

"Wait, Waldorf!" he called to me.

What-? Was he going to ask me to stay? Was this the part where he told me that he didn't think me and Nate should be together because he-

"Is our plan to destroy Serena still on?" he asked me.

Oh. Did I feel disappointment? This was bad.

I nodded. "Sure, Bass."

And then I went to find Nate, trying to ignore the weird feelings coursing through me.


Nate was in my bedroom, waiting for me. Oh no. How long had he been waiting? How long did my meeting with Chuck take?

He cleared his throat. "Listen, Blair. I just came to tell you something."

Was he breaking up with me? I would-I would have to call Chuck.

Wait, what? I did not just think about calling Chuck to tell him that Nate and I had broken up. What was next, inviting him over to my bedroom to snuggle and make out in my shower?

"What is it?" I asked him, hoping he wouldn't notice how my voice wavered a little.

"What you and Chuck pulled at the brunch today seriously wasn't cool. It was embarrassing to me, and frankly mean to Serena."

I made an indignant noise. "Now you're defending Serena again? I don't think I can deal with you always putting her first."

He took my hand and pulled me to sit on the bed, stroking my wrist rhythmically. "Look, Blair. Either you try to forgive me and move on...or we end it."

I let out a breath. This was it. I remembered Chuck's words, he's more of a suffer in silence type.

I was mad at Chuck. And at Nate. And I felt butterflies for Chuck. Which was completely and utterly wrong. That had to end. The butterflies for Chuck could be easily transferred to Nate, with a little work.

So I took both of his hands in mine and looked him in his clear blue eyes. "Of course I can forgive you. We're forever."

He smiled at me and kissed me once on the lips. No fluttering.

And then he left.

Normally, I would be disappointed, but this was a relief.

What the hell was happening? This had to stop.


Hope you liked it! I am going to be going on vacation for a week and will not be writing, so this story will take a little longer to update.

Hope you liked the reference to 4x09 dialogue :) that was one of my favorite episodes!

I finished the entire series tonight...a little bittersweet! But OMG Henry Bass! Aww...