People are People

Sum: Archie should never get drunk and philosophical…

Horatio, Archie, and Bush were all in a bar. That sounds like a setup for a really bad joke, but the truth was, it was rather boring. Bush had a pint or two, then stopped. Horatio, never one for alcohol, was sort of the designated driver; if the other two got plastered, he'd be the one to lead them back to the ship.

And judging by Archie's alcohol consumption, Horatio had his work cut out for him. Archie had downed about three pints in ten minutes. Horatio supposed Archie had a right to be celebrating; He'd just returned from commanding a prize ship, and had added 500 pounds to his pockets. But why one would celebrate by getting bombed was beyond Horatio's comprehension. Bush was also watching with morbid fascination. "A pound says he throws up after the fifth."

"No bet." Horatio responded, "I refuse to gamble on human tragedy…or stupidity."

Bush's lip twitched at that. Archie toasted his success, then downed his fourth drink. Horatio shook his head. "Archie, have you heard of the term 'moderation?'"

Archie was lost in his own little world. "Horatio, why do you think we're fighting the French?"

Horatio was taken aback. "You know why, Archie. They ruined the monarchy. We have to stop them before the idea spreads to our country. Do you want our king murdered?"

"I suppose not." Archie was swaying now as he ordered his fifth drink, "But really, we shouldn't fight them. We have so much in common."

"Ok, Archie, you really are drunk." Horatio said, "We have nothing in common with them. We're more polite, for a start."

"But Horatio…" And to Horatio's (and Bush's) amazement, Archie launched into a rather surreal song.

"People are people, so why should it be

You and I should get along so awfully?

People are people, so why should it be

You and I should get along so awfully?"

He took a swallow from the tankard. Horatio shook his head. "What the hell are you talking about?" Archie shrugged and started talking to a coatrack.

"So we're different colours

And we're different creeds

And different people have different needs

It's obvious you hate me

Though I've done nothing wrong

I never even met you

So what could I have done?"

"Archie, that's a coatrack. There are no Frogs in this tavern."

At the sound of his voice, Archie turned back to Horatio, looking genuinely confused.

"I can't understand

What makes a man

Hate another man

Help me understand."

"That's one of the mysteries of the ages, isn't it?" Horatio said, trying to drag Archie off the stool, "You've had enough."

Archie stood up, paid for his drinks, finished his last tankard, and promptly slumped to the floor again, still singing his heart out.

"People are people so why should it be

You and I should get along so awfully?

People are people, so why should it be

You and I should get along so awfully?

Help me understand…"

He heaved himself up, sagged against the stool, and threw up ("Damn!" Horatio heard Bush mutter, "I would have won a pound!") Horatio dragged Archie towards the door. "Come on, Archie. Time to sleep it off."

Archie collapsed against Horatio. "You're mean."

Horatio grew exasperated. "No, I'm just trying to save you from embarrassing yourself!"

Archie was singing again. Passerby were staring at the three of them (Bush was lending a hand by this point). "Archie, SHUT UP!" Horatio yelled. Archie glanced at him.

"Now you're punching and you're kicking

And you're shouting at me

I'm relying on your common decency

So far it hasn't surfaced

But I'm sure it exists

It just takes a while to travel

From your head to your fist."

Horatio lost all patience and dropped Archie unceremoniously on the ground. "For God's sake, man, remember your dignity!" But Archie was out of it, still singing lustily away.

"I can't understand

What makes a man

Hate another man

Help me understand

People are people so why should it be

You and I should get along so awfully?

People are people, so why should it be

You and I should get along so awfully?"

Bush had disappeared. Horatio glanced into a nearby alleyway and found his other friend doubled over with silent shakes of laughter. "I'm sorry," he said, when Horatio glared at him, "But you have to admit, this is something Archie will never, ever be able to live down!"

Horatio rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's get him to the ship before he walks into the ocean."

They dragged him back to the ship, Archie just repeating, "I can't understand what makes a man hate another man help me understand" over and over again. Horatio said a silent prayer of thanks that Captain Sawyer hadn't found them like this; Archie would have died on the spot.

The next morning, our heroes were pretending nothing had happened last night. Archie had a harder time of that, considering that he had the mother of all hangovers. He also didn't understand why Bush told him that he could hang his coat on the next available Frog.