Disclaimer: The usual – I don't own this blah blah blah. I do own, however, my characters and the plot and stuff. You know what I own and what I don't.
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***IMPORANT NOTE ON THE STORY: If you are confused on this…that was a memory in the last chapter. Everything that is in italicized is always a memory currently. Sometimes, I will have it as a dream or flashback but for now it serves as a memory. And if it's not italicized then it is not a memory. Okay? Okay.***
Chapter Two: I'm Still Alive but I'm Barely Breathing
Selena's Point of View
Aden was well, shirtless. His lightly tanned skin was smooth other than the silvery white lines that were left behind from runes. I was lucky – with mine, it was nearly impossible to tell. Only if you knew it was there, you would see it.
My cheeks colored slightly and I cleared my throat. "I'll, uh, come back in a minute," I said, slowly backing out of the door.
Aden, who appeared to not care that he was half naked in front of a girl just rolled his eyes and he pulled his shirt over his head.
Not before I noticed his muscles that were already there, and the faintest of lines to show were abs would be. Hoping that my cheeks weren't red again I shut the door behind me. I noted his wet hair, which explained why he was shirtless. He just took a shower.
I mentally smacked myself. Of course, this is what I get when I don't knock. Always a nasty little habit I had from my siblings…er, sibling. It was hard to think that…I swallowed, blinking away the tears.
What was worse that my own sibling was acting weird with me. She was the only family I had left. I immediately felt bad for Aden. He didn't have any family left, unlike me. I guess I was lucky.
I just sat quietly on the bed as I thought. It was Aden who had saved Courtney, I realized. "Thanks," I said, really meaning it. If everyone was gone…I don't know where I would be know. Crazy, going insane. Probably something along those lines.
"For?" he asked, sitting down next to me. He had a haunting look in his eyes, the same one that I probably had in mine. I wondered if it would ever go away. Or I only noticed it because I knew what he was going through.
"For saving Courtney."
"Even though she's being the way she is?" he asked, just looking at me. There was no emotion on his face, not really. It was weird, but I guess everyone had their own way of coping. And I did that too, so I wasn't really one to talk.
"Yeah. After…" I heisted, but since he probably knew what I meant, I just plowed through with it. "After what happened, I realized that it's stupid to be bad at someone for a petty reason. At least I learned something out of this," I said, laughing bitterly.
I just wish I didn't have to learn the hard way. This was going to be a permanent reminder, always lurking in the back of my mind. This was the best reminder, but also the worst.
"Hey," he said gently. "I know what it's like. It will get better." He wrapped his arms around me and I laid my head on his shoulder. Somehow, he made me feel better.
We just stayed like that for a while; just being with each other was comforting. At least we had each other right now. Aden was just about to say something, I could hear the intake of his breath and his chest rise with the movement when the door opened.
We sprang apart, even though we weren't really doing anything wrong. When Zef came through the door, I felt myself getting warmer. For some reason, letting him see me with Aden like that, well, I didn't want him to see me like that with him.
He smiled his cute smile – he had dimples, I noticed, one on each side – and looked at both of us before speaking. "Well, we were going to have a late dinner right now but if you guys aren't hungry…" he trailed off, flashing us another glance at his smile that was timid this time.
"Oh no, we'll come. Thanks," I said, hoping that I didn't sound squeaky. He smiled and nodded – at me, something I couldn't help but to notice – and he closed the door softly behind him.
"Okay," I said, slapping my hands down on my thighs, "let's go have some dinner."
Aden just looked at me for a second with an odd expression on his face before getting up as well. Normally, he would have made some snarky remark being the Aden that he is, but due the circumstances, I could understand why he didn't.
I feel like that really wouldn't help. But then again, it would bring back a sense of…normalness again. I needed that. I wish I could just pretend to be a little kid and believe that my parents just went on a Shadowhunter business.
They said that ignorance is bliss right?
But, was it worth it? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and…well, eventually I'll be stronger. I'll be bound to get over it right?
I sniffled, knowing just how wrong I was. Time heals all wounds, they say.
Wrong.
They were dead wrong. So much time had passed…so much, and my wound is still there. A gaping hole in my heart that isn't yet fixed.
You could move on from it, live life without that part, but it's still there. An empty spot in your heart. Something that time still hasn't healed for me. And somehow, I doubt that time will ever fix it. The ghost of it, the echo of it will still be there, even if I do ever move on.
And somehow I doubt that I ever will. One doesn't just recover from this easily.
Dinner was silent that night.
It was just the sound of scraping utensils against plate. The food was good, I had to admit, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I mostly just moved my food around, hoping that it would at least look like I ate something.
Courtney sat across from me, but she didn't even look up, once. I wanted to sigh, grab her and shake her shoulders until she finally looked at me. I wanted to smack her so hard for making me feel this way. Aden, who was sitting on my right, kept giving me looks, as to make sure I was staying in check.
Nesha sat across from him, and much to my horror and excitement, Zef sat on my left. I mean, ew, watching someone eat was not a good first impression but I was also happy that he was sitting next to me. My skin tingled, all nerves hyperaware of every movement of his.
But, I was just distracting myself, really. Maybe, if things were different, I could have really thought about Zef like that, truly, but now…now..it was just a distraction that I held on to with all my might. I didn't want to remember how, if things were normal and we were all back at home, we would all be eating together, as a family.
How, even though I was never the center of attention during the dinner conversation, I still missed it. I would do anything to go back to that. It seemed petty to me now that I wanted to have all the attention. Now, now I would be content with just sitting there with my family.
What I would do to go back and treasure each moment I had. They were right, live like it's your last day, you might not know if it is. And it was especially true with us Shadowhunters. We could all die just like that.
Swallowing back the thump in my throat and staring at bright light to make the tears go away, I tried forgetting. Get a grip over yourself, I thought. You can't let them see you like this. They'll see you as what you really are – weak.
I was weak. A horrible person. I was weak for not waiting my turn, just like how all my sibling did. I heard about how mundanes, normal human parents, gave their youngest child all the attention. It was the opposite here. The middle child would be the Mundie's victim of no attention.
They all dealt with it, so why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just accept the fact that I had to wait? Look what I did. My stupid own fault.
But I couldn't let anyone know just how weak I was. I always kept my emotions in check, bottled up. I was very emotional, but I would never show it. I couldn't really – we were suppose to be stronger than that.
But I was weak.
And look what that brought us, our families.
I didn't want to remember, I didn't want to feel the guilt that was gnawing on the insides, slowly killing me. I couldn't address it – it would make it so much worse.
Instead, I forced myself to eat, having a lot to be thankful for. For being alive. For my sister and Aden to be alive. These people taking care of us.
But look where being alive brought me.
Pain, misery. Guilt. So much guilt.
I stood up, pushing my car back and muttered an excuse me as I walked out of the kitchen. Once I was out of sight, I ran into my room, locking the door. I slid down on the floor, back against the door as I covered my mouth to keep back my sobs. Tears streamed down my checks, staining my shirt.
I couldn't do this anymore – pretend to be okay. I wasn't. I was far from it.
My parents were dead. My brother was dead. My best friend's parents were dead. My sister hates me.
And it was all my fault.
I got up quickly, tripping over my own feet, unable to see. Tears blurred my vision and I locked myself in the bathroom. I couldn't let anyone see me like this. Weak. Pathetic. A waste of space.
A saying I read awhile ago was right – sometimes, when people who seem the strongest on the outside are the ones who are actually crying to most inside.
That was me – the pretender to being okay. Pretending to be fine. Pretending to be strong. I was nothing but a fake. I was crying the most on the inside. It was just a face I put on, something no one really every caught on to.
Even when my parents were alive, I always pretended to be fine, even if I was a bit whiny. I was born a fake. Stepping into a shower, I sat at the edge of the tub, taking deep breaths. Tears mingled with the water as I just sat there, thinking about my family that was now dead.
Dead cause of me.
Why did I have to go hunting for a demon myself? Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I listen when they said it was dangerous? Those moments were the most terrifying in my life. Why in the world would I give up my family for a stupid hunt?
Even if my parents said they loved me, it didn't take away the fact that I got them killed. That I should be responsible for their deaths.
Yes, I didn't get attention all the time, but that was a small price to pay when you still had your family alive. Why did I take them for granted? Another famous saying popped into my mind: you never know what you have until it's gone.
The tears morphed into full out sobs and I cried into my hand. I couldn't tell what was water and what was my salty tears. I just heaved, missing my parents. I pictured my mother, almost a mirror image of myself and my father, who had that light blonde hair and deep blue eyes.
My brother, who got the silvery hair that I had, but my father's deep blue eyes. I was like my mother, my sister was like my father, and my brother was a combination of the both. It was weird, but it all suited us. I remembered the picture we took at the Bone City, going all the way to the mundane world of New York City. I was little at the time, but we looked like one happy family.
All together, all smiling, all huddled together.
Now, it was just me and my sister. And she hated me.
I know it was my fault, she had every single right to hate me, but I wished she didn't. It's bad enough that I lost everyone else, but her too? And the one that was always the closest to me? The one that understood me?
It was then having her dead – my family at least still loved me when they died. She didn't. I could die, or she could die, and I would be left with the memory of my sister who hated me.
I didn't blame her, but right now, I needed her. It was a surprise that Aden himself didn't hate me as well. Then again, he probably felt equal blame for it too. He knew how I felt, that's why we understood each other.
I finally stopped crying, the hurting replaced by a numbing feeling. I was all cried out. Standing there with the warm water hitting my back like a massage, it was almost like everything was normal again.
But this was reality, and in reality, nothing was normal. I was a Shadowhunter. There were demons. And worst of all, everyone I loved was dead. Or hated me, which was just as bad, if not worse, then being dead.
Angel, I just wish I could escape from this horrible world and never come back. I wanted to go back to that time in the picture, when I was fine. Wrapping the towel over me and making sure that no traces of my breakdown was there – only a slightly red nose – I exited the bathroom.
And there, sitting on my bed was Zef and Aden, just talking quietly. I almost dropped my towel, to gasp but my better instincts didn't let me, thank god.
They turned to look at me when they heard me, probably my hair dripping on the floor. Both of their eyes widened in surprise and they looked away.
I clutched my town closer to myself self-consciously. "We were…ah, we were just going to talk to you. We'll come back later," Zef said awkwardly, and they both got up and quickly left the room, Aden pink faced.
Before the door completely closed, Zef popped his head back in the room. "Just saying, there's some clothes in the dresser if you want to borrow them. We have extra room just for this. You couldn't imagine all the Shadowhunters we get fleeing into the border needing help." I nodded as he left the room.
I opened the drawers, seeing piece of wood, making two sides. One was for girls, and the other was for boys. I picked up a gray shirt – it was the closest to silver and I needed something comforting – and going to the next drawer I found the same thing but this time with pants and jeans.
Searching through it, I finally found a pair of black leggings at the bottom. I opened the last one to find undergarments and extra toothbrushes and combs and such. Taking all that I needed and going back into the bathroom, I quickly changed.
Tying my hair up, I opened my door, peeking my head out both sides. The boys said they would come back later, but I guess they got embarrassed. Guessing that they would be in Aden's room, I knocked on his door.
I didn't find Zef, but Aden was there. "Hey," I said quietly. Aden was the only one in the whole world that could tell when I cried, despite the subtle signs.
"Hey," he said, patting space next to him on the bed. "How are you feeling?" I sat down next to him, sighing.
"Probably just about how good you are feeling," I answered honestly. I was probably going to end up lying to the answer for that question my whole life, so might as well get out the truth at least once.
He grimaced. "You just went away from dinner…" he said, trailing off.
"Yeah, I was upset. I just…it's just so hard," I confessed, and he nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry, I should be dumping this on you. You have your own issues to deal with." I didn't say which issues – it would just bring that wash of grieve crashing back down again.
"No, it's okay. We're in this together," he told me, looking at me in the eyes, serious. The look was too mature for any twelve year old to wear.
It broke my heart to see him wear that serious look – the only people that wore them knew just exactly how harsh the world was.
Innocence was such a luxury.
What I would – what we would give to have our parents again. "I know," I finally responded, closing my eyes.
I laid down on the bed, tried. My hands folded on my stomach, I asked, "Do you think it will ever get better?"
Aden laid down too, and I turned to look at him as he responded. "I don't know, I just don't know."
"My mom said that time heals all wounds. Look at the irony of that. Now she's not here to tell me that." I sighed an closed my eyes, missing the times when I would just lay my head on my mom's lap and she would just run her hands through my hair every time I came home when some kid teased me about it.
Of course, the next day, they always did end up getting hurt by my brother or even by Aden. I missed them, I really did. Why did life have to be so cruel?
Why did my family have to pay for the mistakes that I made?
Okay, so, hope you guys like this. I have some pretty awesome stuff (well, I think so anyways XP) planned…but I had to get the hurt out. Ouchie. Makes me sad to even write it…
But it had to be done. Now you guys get why I never hated them? Hehe…
Anyways, review. Tell me what you think – right, no goals since this is mostly a OC fanfic and those never get many reviews…but I'm still doing this :) But secret word is: better! Why? Cause I'm feeling better with my stupid headaches. Oh, and if you can guess what song the the title is from (it's a line in a song) then…idk but you get something.
Reviewing gets you a sugar cookie. (why? because I made a batch on Saturday. Love me some sugar cookies)
~Icyfirelove3
P.S. Read the other story I'm writing (I almost wrote two, which is a lie. Well, for fanfic. I'm only writing two (this and superhero). But I am writing my own personal story :D maybe one day I'll get published hehe) anyways, the other fanfic story I'm writing is called Superhero (with MI characters!) . But I DID NOT write the first three chapters for superhero! The person I beta for (coolestxnerd) did. She didn't have time to finish it so she gave it me. So I didn't steal it or anything either.
P.P.S. Read the stories I beta for: All of Bookninja15's stories (too many to list out but a lot of MI ones), Skyecelade99's Parallel Hearts, and MollyGM's City of Bones Jace POV!
