Chapter 3- Ghosts In The Night
October 1969
"Alright now, Olivia, it's bedtime." Jude whispered, tucking her daughter in and kissing her forehead.
"But I'm not sleepy." Olivia protested.
"Livie." Jude cautioned.
"Mommy I wanna stay awake!"
"Ya've had a long day and it's Saturday night, I already let ya stay up."
"I want ya ta tell me more about my Daddy!"
"Olivia there's nothing else far me ta tell ya about yar Father."
"He's my Daddy, that's not fair."
"Well Daddy was not fair ta Mommy."
"Why?"
Jude sighed, growing increasingly impatient by the moment.
"I want my Daddy." She continued.
"Olivia, yar Father really hurt me."
"How?"
"Grown up ways."
"Please tell me." Jude sighed, putting her head down and allowing a ringlet of blonde hair to drop onto her face. "No." She said firmly, tucking her daughter in and kissing her.
"Pleeeeease!"
"Little girl, go ta bed." Jude teased, pressing her forehead against her daughter's.
"Why?"
"Because ya are tryin' my patience." She said, lightly grabbing Olivia's chin.
"Will ya tell me when I'm older?" She asked precociously.
"No." Jude said, turning off the light. "This is not something I want my baby Olivia ta ever have ta understand."
Jude left her daughter lying wide-awake and deeply confused. What would she not want her to understand, even as a grown up? Jude shut the door and ran her fingers through her hair, walking slowly back to her own room. It wasn't that Jude wanted to begrudge her little girl a Father. She felt bad that Olivia probably thought that. Jude worried that she thought she wasn't good enough for a Father to love…and all sorts of things she'd certainly thought as a small girl; things that had almost ruined her life.
In truth, these were the reasons Jude didn't want her to have the knowledge of who her Father was, because if she did, she'd be able to know enough about him to feel personally rejected. This way it wasn't personal, only foreign.
Jude didn't want her baby girl to have that experience; of knowing what it was like to be rejected by a man, Father, or boyfriend…Jude, remember, had had both. And she certainly didn't want her to know what it met to be owned by a man, as she'd felt owned by Timothy for years.
…
April 1960
"Ahhhh! Haaaaaa….aaaaawwww. Oh Jude!"
"Ahhhhh! Urrrgggg!"
Jude didn't care if she was being loud and allowed her head to flop back as the tension between them intensified. She'd never, in all her years, felt anything so good. It was electrifying and so stimulating that Jude didn't think she'd ever be able to quit it.
Jude could remember the day it first happened. They'd been seeing each other for several months by then, even dating and they'd gone away to this Catholic convention together, covertly of course. It had started with awkwardness, a peculiar kind of love at first sight, and slowly transitioned into even more awkward flirtation, which was eased by a brazen first kiss and followed by dozens more stolen kisses, each one better than the last. But now, several months later, in a borrowed convention center hotel room, Jude felt they'd gone too far.
"Ahhhh!" Both of them felt totally overwhelmed by the sensation as they climaxed.
Jude took a deep breath and collapsed into Timothy's arms, having grown tired by the end of their act. She was surprised at how satisfying it had been, given that it had been his first time. Her heart pounded in her chest, not just because of what they'd done but because she was scared. What had she done? Things were finally going well and now she'd had sex with a Priest. What in the world had she been thinking? Timothy, meanwhile, was stunned and all at once, happy with himself.
"I can't believe we just did that! Monsignor I'm sorry I…"
"No, no Jude." He smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear. "It's Timothy. You know that." He kissed her hands sweetly as he took them in his own. "Please do not be sorry for what we have done. It's a sin, but I love you." She smiled, this was not the first time he'd said he loved her and no man ever really had before…not her own Father, not even Casey. She sighed and closed her eyes, happy to finally feel loved.
"Oh…oh my God!…Jude!" Timothy said with a panic.
"What?!" She asked, she was alarmed and she opened her eyes suddenly, turning to him.
"Jude I…I don't know how to say this but…we forgot something very important…"
"What's that?"
"We forgot to…you know, to use any…anything…" Timothy had just given her his virtue, having never done such a thing before, the idea of using contraceptives had completely escaped him…then there was the fact that he didn't believe in them to begin with. Timothy paused then cleared his throat, preparing to speak again. "Jude we…" He laughed nervously. "We didn't use anything to keep you from getting pregnant."
"That's okay." She said softly. "I can't have babies anyway. Ya don't need ta worry about that."
Timothy paused then hugged her tighter, he could tell it hurt her to say this.
"I'm sorry." He said, kissing the top of her head very softly. He thought for a minute then continued speaking once more. "You are so beautiful my rare bird, He leaned his forehead against hers, smiling still. "Let me tell you what I want for us and for our life together."
"O-our life together…?" She paused, her heart pounding as he took her hands in his again and kissed them a second time.
"I want you by my side always. Wherever I go. You go. You will be mine, and I will be yours."
"Will I be yar one and only?" She asked with a tear in her eye, not believing what he was suggesting.
"Oh precious Jude. I love you. You're my one and only forever and ever."
October 1969
"Ya will be mine and I will be yars." Jude scoffed at the recollection under her breath. "Yar my one and only farever and ever…ha!" Jude closed her eyes and inhaled sharply as she lowered herself on to the edge of her bed. Within moments, memory took over, of the only man she thought ever loved her and tears gushed down her cheeks. She tried everyday to act like it didn't bother her, but it was moments like these that made Jude remember that her heart was undeniably broken and it would probably remain that way forever and ever. And in moments like these, Timothy went from being a distant memory she shoved away at every turn, to being a ghost at night, whose presence was both all encompassing and seemingly constant.
"Ah Timothy, why'd ya have ta do this ta me?" She questioned silently, pulling herself into a fetal position as she began to cry.
Jude wished her young daughter would stop inquiring about her Father. The girl's inquiries were hard for her Mother; it was akin to taking a big knife and sloppily slicing freshly healed wounds open all over again. In addition to healing, Jude wanted to shelter Olivia from the many evils of the long affair she'd had with her Father. Jude climbed into bed, hugging herself tightly; some part of her brain couldn't or wouldn't let go of the feel of Timothy hugging her tightly while they were in bed. She desired him so much and hated him much, much more it was a strange mix of emotion that was about to drive her over the edge.
"Timothy, why?" She cried.
Looking back, Jude thought she saw almost everything in their relationship for what it had really been. He had loved her, it was true. But he'd been selfish, and set in his ways, and unable to give when it mattered most. Jude often looked back on their first night together with a range of emotion, but the ironic thing was that she'd never realized what Timothy had that first night they spent together: that she was perfect for him as a long term lover because she could not get pregnant. That way, he could have sex and have a partner without the worry of an unwanted baby coming into their lives. He'd figured this out very quickly and it had been one of the reasons he'd suggested making a non-formal, but long term commitment after only one sexual encounter and a handful of dinner dates. This was something Jude might not ever fully come to know, and if she did, it would break her.
…
"Olivia." Mary said.
She was tired but had gotten up early with Jude and Olivia anyway. Like Jude she too was plagued by the ghosts of her past in the middle of the night….one in particular, in fact, and for that reason; she could not sleep to save her life, it seemed.
"Um-hum…" Olivia mumbled as she drank her milk. She sat at the breakfast table with Mary Eunice the next morning, wearing her pajamas and socks. Jude was in the other room and the two were alone together.
"Please stop asking about your Dad…I think its upsetting Mommy a lot." Mary knew the pattern, every night she'd hear Olivia ask questions and unbeknownst to the girl, Jude would cry herself to sleep.
"It is?" Olivia asked with wide eyes.
"It is." She sighed. "Livie I…I know that you have a lot of questions I understand but Mommy loved your Daddy very much."
"She did?" This only made her even more curious.
"She did."
"Well then can ya help me with my project?"
"What project?" Mary raised an eyebrow.
"It's far school, it's about Daddies."
"What about Daddies?" Mary asked dryly.
"Um…" This was her first school project and because she was so little, it was hard for her to explain fully. "Who they are and how much you love them and what they do for money…Mary what's my Daddy's job? The one he left me far?"
Mary was shocked and her mouth hung open for a second. No wonder she'd been asking so many questions about her Father.
"Jude!" Mary called.
…
"I'll talk ta yar teacher about gettin' ya a new project. But I won't tell ya anything more about yar Father." Jude said.
"But Mommy!" The little girl whined.
Olivia didn't think her Mother understood and Olivia couldn't convey it; but this man was part of her, the idea of not knowing him made her miserable. It was in the afternoon, after school, and Jude had come to pick Olivia up so she could have a talk with her teacher.
"No buts, Olivia. Mommy'll be back in a few minutes. Wait right here." Jude pat her daughter's head, sitting her right outside the classroom door before going inside. Olivia folded her arms angrily and began to pout.
"Hello, Sistah Florence?" Jude questioned, interrupting the older nun who was busy erasing the blackboard.
"Yes?" She asked.
It was weird for Jude to be there with this woman, donned from head to toe in her black habit. Jude realized that the last time she'd worn one had been the day she'd fully realized how very pregnant she was.
"Sistah, hello, I'm Jude Martin, Olivia's Mother."
"Oh…" She shot Jude an almost wicked kind of smile before returning to the beck and call of her eraser. "Yes. Miss Martin."
Jude knew in an instant that this Nun knew not only who she was, but also the kind of scandal she'd been involved in…and also, who Olivia's Father was. Somehow, many Nuns and Priests seemed aware, although to everyone's knowledge it was only a rumor. Still, it was another shame Jude had to live with, all while Timothy had had the privilege of going to New York and escaping the ridicule he deserved equal part of. Jude was uncomfortable now and wondered how she was even going to attempt to talk to this Nun about how her daughter didn't have a Father and therefore, couldn't complete the project.
"Sistah Florence, I understand there's a project, ya assigned…"
"Yes, it's for the children to report on their Fathers…" The nun didn't turn around and Jude hung her head, not listening as she continued to speak.
"Well, Sister…" Jude was embarrassed.
She didn't think she'd have to confront this when Olivia was just in Kindergarten. Jude could feel herself turning a million shades of red and she wondered if her own Mother ever felt this way when she was a little girl.
"Sister, Olivia doesn't have a Father, she just has me and my older daughter, that's all. Do ya think ya could give her an alternate assignment, maybe let her do her report on me, instead, I work…" Jude swallowed. "And I'm her Mothah and her Fathah..."
"Sorry Miss Martin." She continued. "The project really is for Father's only, we'll have a Mother's project we'll be doing next term…"
"But Sister, what am I ta do far…"
"She'll just have to report on her Father, whether she knows him or not."
"And if she can't."
"If she can't, she'll have to tell everyone she doesn't know him."
Jude opened her mouth to protest but the old nun wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise.
"Now I'm sure you'll think of something to tell her Miss Martin." She said, pushing her toward the door. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have quite a lot of work to do…"
"But please ya must understand that…"
"Good day, Miss Martin." Jude was still in the middle of saying something and shocked when her daughter's teacher slammed her classroom door in her face.
"Olivia, its time ta….Olivia?" Jude froze when realized her daughter was nowhere to be found. She should've been sitting, right there. "Olivia! Olivia!" Jude's heart began to pound as she rushed down the hall, and started looking for her everywhere. "Olivia!"
Jude was in tears by the time she reached the playground.
"Olivia!"
"I'm here Mommy." Jude looked up when Olivia called.
Jude placed her hand over her heart and sighed, feeling the ache ease as the girl jumped off the monkey bars and ran to her. Jude got on her knees and hugged her tight before grabbing her little face.
"Don't ya ever wander away from Mommy again! When I sit ya somewhere and tell ya ta wait, ya stay, do ya understand?"
"But Mommy I was just…"
"Olivia it's not safe! Ya stay where Mommy knows where ya are!"
"Mommy…" Olivia bit her lip.
"Yes baby?"
"Mommy does Sister Florence think I'm a bad girl because I don't have a Daddy? Is that why she hates me?"
Olivia had heard part of the conversation her Mother had had with her teacher and walked away because of it. She felt ashamed, and didn't want to think about it, so she made her way to the only happy place at school: the playground, hoping some of her friends would still be there playing. They were not.
"Oh my baby." Jude tucked Olivia's hair behind her ear. "She doesn't hate ya."
Jude's heart sunk when she looked into her daughter's eyes. Her words had some merit, Jude thought the nun probably did think bad things of her daughter just because she didn't have a Father, but she wasn't about to tell Olivia that.
"Are ya sure?" Olivia inquired. She was pretty sure she was disliked and that it was because of her lack of a Father.
"Oh my treasure, I love ya so much." Jude didn't know what to do and decided to change the subject.
Jude had been a little angry when she first left the classroom, before she'd realized Olivia was missing. Now that she'd had the scare she just felt relieved to have her baby in her arms again. Everything else would work out. Somehow.
"Come on love." Jude said, standing up, Olivia still in her arms. She kissed her cheek and held her close. "Let's go home, we'll have a nice dinner and get our minds off of everything."
"Okay but can we work on the project about my Daddy?"
…
Jude was tired and almost in tears when she finally put Olivia to bed that night. Mary Eunice had had a difficult night too, her horrific and reoccurring nightmares had returned, and as a result, Jude had had to help get her to sleep, which had not been easy. It never was. Jude hated nights like this when her adopted daughter suffered so much and there was really not much she could do for her. Nights like these were fewer and further between now, but they were especially difficult when something was wrong with Olivia at the same time. She hated that her poor little girl was marked. What was she going to do about this horrible nun? Jude couldn't help but feel she was intentionally trying to label her daughter, to make her confess to a sin she didn't commit and had no part in.
"I'm so sorry baby." Jude had whispered in her daughter's ear once she got her to sleep. "Mommy never met far yar life ta be like this."
Jude retired to the kitchen to make herself; something to drink and turned on the radio, hoping that some nice music would give her some sense of solace. But unfortunately; there they were again, The Supremes.
"Love child, never meant to be, love child (scorned by) society, love child always second best, love child, different from the rest…M…"
"Damn you Timothy!" Jude screamed.
She took a big cookbook and threw it at the radio. The book hit it in such a way that it changed the station instead of turning it off. The book then proceeded to fall to the floor with a loud thump! as the radio began to play There Goes My Baby.
"There goes my baby, movin' on down the line, wonder where, wonder were she is bound? I broke her heard and made her cry, now I'm alone, so all alone, what can I do, what can I do?"
Jude covered her mouth and began to sob as she to slid to the floor.
"Damn you Timothy, damn you!"
