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The Story of What Really Happened on the Bus
One day, out of the blue, Lucius decided that the Malfoy family did not spend enough time together, so he decided to take Narcissa and baby Draco on a drive. He borrowed the Death Eater Association bus from McNair, who had used it last for a family vacation to France. Lucius piled his family into the bus and drove, ignoring the strange looks that he got from Muggles as he randomly switched lanes in his dark black bus with the Dark Mark written on it. On their way to the deli 0.6 miles away, they noticed Voldemort walking across the street to get himself a hoagie. The trouble was, Sirius's pet raccoon was on its way home from wherever it is that raccoons hang out, singing a Christmas carol. The raccoon was very sleepy, having spent all of Saturday evening partying and doing whatever it is raccoons do on Saturday nights. It was halfway across the crosswalk. Sirius, who was coming out of the beauty salon across the street from his pet patting his mustache, cast a trip jinx at the bus when he saw that the raccoon was in danger. However, Lucius had already swerved to avoid the raccoon, so the jinx missed the bus and hit Voldemort instead. He fell forward on to his face. The bus zoomed forward and hit him. Snape, who had also walked out of the beauty salon looking disappointed, Wingardium Leviosa'd the bus into the air and rescued his leader.
Thus, a new verse to the Death Eater cry was added to the cry, written by Fenrir who actually has quite the singing voice.
The Other Side of the Story.
"I told you to get off at the last exit!" shrieked Mommy as we careened down the street, narrowly missing Dumbledore on his way to buy some groceries.
"And I told you," said Daddy, grinding his teeth, "that it's the next exit!"
He swerved to the side, missing Lily Potter and her son by a hair, giving me just enough time to stick my tongue out at him. I turned back around and began playing with my Baby's First Wand. They're available at Diagon Alley. And no, I was not paid to say that.
I saw this cute little raccoon attempting to cross the road wearing a Kiss the Chef shirt [no, thank you] and singing loudly.
"Wook! Coony!" I shouted at my parents.
They were too busy arguing to hear me,
"Wook!" I yelled louder "COONY!"
Daddy noticed and swerved just in time.
"Well, that was-OH MERLIN"S PANTS WE ARE DEAD!"
There was a muffled thump and suddenly we were flying through the air like some sort of crazed trapeze artist.
"Buckle up, Draco!" Mommy cried.
I looked around. There were no seat belts to be seen. Death Eaters aren't that big on safety. I hung on for dear life as we landed with a screech on the ground.
"My lord? My lord, are you all right?" screamed Daddy, running out of the car. I giggled and made sparks with Baby's First Wand.
Voldemort's To Do List
1: Kill Harry Potter.
2: Make everybody obey me
3: Check on Horcruxes
4: Get freaky mani-pedi CHECK!
5: Walk through blood with Nagini
6: Go on a picnic with Nagini
7: Get hair done with Nagini
8: Find Sirius's raccoon
9: Strangle it
10: Date with Bellawobbles
11: Make sure she doesn't find out about Nagini
12: Death Eater Meeting about elevator safety
13: Schedule Mr. Safety for the meeting
14: Find Order HQ
15: By Severus shampoo
16: Babysit for Narcissa
17: Check my family tree to make sure I'm not directly related to Bellawobbles
18: Plotting time in room CHECK!
19: Read a How-To Evil Guide by Gellert Grindlwauld
20: Kidnap and torture Ollivander for the best recipe for lemonade
21: Make sure no one reads this CHECK!
Jobs:
Wormtail: Secretary/Intern
Lucius: Evil cane go-to guy
Narcissa: Expert shopper
Draco: He's only one you idiots! Maybe Dumbledore killer…
Harry Potter: Arch nemesis
Severus: Expert latte maker
McNair: Chef
Bellawobbles: Evil girlfriend
Avery: Bird whisperer
Fenrir: Singer/Dog whisperer
Scabior: Funny dude with long hair
Me: Awesome cool spectacular fantastic sweet ruling evil venomous creepy scary terrifying horrible despicable [unfortunately half-blood] leader
Job Openings
Assistant Expert Latte Maker
Super Spy—better than James, James Bond
Cane Cleaner
Expert shopping bag holder
Expert baby-sitter
Not quite arch nemesis
Assistant Chef
To apply, write a paragraph describing your evilness and how it can be applied to your job.
