CHAPTER THREE
We returned to the ranch after about two hours and I was almost disappointed when I saw the buildings come into view in the distance and realised it was almost over. However, it was now the hottest time of the day and my shirt was clinging damply to my skin, my hands beginning to turn red from the constant exposure to the hot sun and for that reason I was glad to get back. I climbed down carefully from the saddle and held on tight to Harriet as my knees threatened to give way, my thighs aching. Jasper grinned, tilting his hat back on his head.
"You'll be stiff as a board for a day or two, but it gets easier. I'll find you some gloves for tomorrow, or your hands are gonna be sore."
"Thanks."
"You did well, I wasn't sure if you were gonna like it," he went on.
"I wasn't either," I admitted at once. "I don't know what made my parents choose this type of vacation for me, but I think I'm going to enjoy it."
"Awesome. We'll get the horses unsaddled and give them a rub down now, then get some lunch."
We led the horses back to the barn and tied them to a post there, then I copied what Jasper did, removing the saddle, rubbing down Harriet's damp fur and giving her a brush. I was beginning to find it easier to talk to him as time went on and he helped by chattering, asking me endless questions about my life in Washington and I found myself telling him things that I only really talked to Ben about although obviously I kept my preferences to myself, convinced that would bring a swift end to what I hoped might be the start of a real friendship.
Mom and Dad returned as we sat on the porch steps in front of the house, eating thick sandwiches that Marcie had made for us. The other couple they had ridden with left their horses in the hands of the rancher who had accompanied them, but my parents called out a brief greeting before heading to the barn to take care of their own mounts. Another ride came in minutes later, including the three girls I'd briefly met at dinner the previous evening. The younger girl walked off towards the cabins, while the other two came towards us and instantly I dried up and ducked my head down, hoping neither of them would speak to me. I could see the shapely, jean-clad legs of the one named Cassie as she approached and stood in front of Jasper and I peered upwards, noting her bright yellow shirt knotted at the waist, hands resting on her hips.
"Hey, Jasper, we missed you today," she said in a pouty voice.
"I'll be riding with Edward for now," he answered. "You had a good time, didn't you?"
"Yes, but it would have been better with you there. You are going to dance with me, Friday, right?" She turned and sat down on the step beside him, seemingly as close as she could get.
"Of course I am," he answered.
I looked away uncomfortably, feeling ridiculously disappointed, only to find the blonde with the braid, Beth, standing beside me.
"Hey, Edward."
"Hey."
"May I sit by you?"
"Uh...sure."
She lowered herself onto the step, a little closer than I would have liked, tipping her hat backwards off of her head so that it dangled from the strings tied around her neck. "How are you liking riding?"
"Yeah, it's fun," I mumbled.
"Jasper's a good teacher, isn't he? He taught me a few things last week." She leaned closer suddenly and almost whispered in my ear. "Cassie has the hots for him; she and her sister rode with us and she monopolises him the whole time."
"I can see."
"You know they have kind of a barn dance Fridays?"
"Yes."
"Are you going?"
"I...uh...I don't really dance," I muttered, my face heating up. I had never been any good at talking to girls and this one reminded me somewhat of Alice Brandon, in nature if not in looks. I hoped fervently that she was only talking to me because Jasper was occupied, but whatever the reason, I felt that I had nothing to say.
"I could teach you? If you wanted. I mean...it'd be fun to have another guy to hang out with. There are a few here on vacation obviously, but they're mostly younger, like Frankie's age. How old are you, Edward?"
"Eighteen."
"I'm seventeen. Hey, d'you think I could maybe ride with you and Jasper some time? I'm only here until after the weekend." She leaned in and whispered conspiratorily again. "I'm getting a bit sick of Cassie's company to be honest; everything you talk about, she has to have done the same thing a hundred times better."
"Well, we might go a bit slow for you," I said.
"I don't mind."
"I guess you'd have to...ask Jasper, then." I was disappointed at the thought that she might join us the next day. I could just imagine it - her and Jasper riding side by side, talking none stop while I followed behind, once again struggling to find even a handful of words to string together. "I'm gonna...uh...go wash up," I said. "If you'll excuse me." I got to my feet quickly and walked away in the direction of the cabins, thinking I should probably have spoken to Jasper first and at least thanked him for the day, but he was still engrossed in conversation with Cassie.
The cabin was mercifully cool and I stripped off and showered, then applied some after-sun lotion to my hands, which seemed to be the only part of me that had been uncovered. I put on a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt and then sprawled on my bed, switching on my iPhone to see if I could get a signal to message Ben. I was in luck and I sent him a PM, telling him that I wasn't minding the riding and that the ranchers' son was 'really nice'.
'Is he gay?' was Ben's immediate response. 'What's he look like?'
'No, he's not, he has girls falling over themselves to get at him,' I typed. 'He has dark hair, greenish eyes, stubble and he's tall and tanned and fit.'
'Sounds hot. Sounds like you like him too.'
'Well, there's no point.' I changed the subject and we chatted for a few minutes about things Ben had been doing, before I signed off and lay back on the bed, thinking. I sincerely hoped Jasper wouldn't agree to Beth joining us the next day. I could probably come up with some kind of excuse to avoid the entertainment on Friday, but if she rode with us, I would be back to my usual pathetic tongue-tied self until she went home.
Mom and Dad returned to the cabin an hour later and I pulled myself together, telling them everything I'd done, finding that I sounded enthusiastic without really trying. I had enjoyed the day, it was only the appearance of the girls in the last few minutes that had made me withdraw into my shell again.
We stayed in the cabin for the rest of the afternoon until it was time to go to the house for dinner. We took the same seats as before, but this time I found Beth sitting next to me in the seat that had previously been occupied by Jasper. He was on his feet, helping Marcie carry large bowls of chilli and rice to the table and when he was done, he took the seat the other side of Beth, winking at me over her head. My heart sank again as I realised he must be encouraging her; had she told him she liked me? She was leaning towards me again, her hair loose for once and falling around her face like a curtain.
"Jasper said I can ride with you tomorrow; how cool is that?" she said in a low voice.
"Mmm...awesome." I stared down at my plate, considering waking up in the morning with a migraine or a bad stomach ache so that I wouldn't have to spend hours trying to think of something to say to her.
"I know. Like I said, I don't mind if we ride slow. It'd be nice having someone else to talk to. I mean, it'll be nice having you to talk to, Edward."
"Yeah."
"Cassie's pissed about it; she wanted to go with us, but Jasper said he's teaching you and he doesn't want a big crowd of people to keep an eye on," she whispered now. "Look at her face; she looks like she's sucking on a lemon."
I glanced up across the table and noted Cassie, her lips pursed up, jaw set and I couldn't help a quiet chuckle.
"She's got another week here, I'm sure she'll get the chance," Beth added.
"Chance for what?"
She leaned even closer, her lips brushing my ear lobe. "A romp in the hay, silly. I bet Jasper gets a different girl every few weeks when the new vacationers come in; she's determined she's gonna be the one this time. Not that there's really anyone else this week for him to pick from. I like him, but he's not my type like that." She drew back a few inches and from the corner of my eye, I noticed her face turn a subtle shade of pink. "I like boys that are a bit more...quiet...kind of...like you."
She did like me and I felt my face redden. It was only going to make the time I spent in her company the next day even more awkward and I stared blankly at my plate as Marcie sat down and Mick began to say grace. I added my own silent prayer that somehow things wouldn't be as bad as I feared.
The next two days were exactly as I feared. Beth accompanied us for the rides and each time I found myself riding between her and Jasper. He did his best to keep the conversation going, talking across me to Beth and trying to draw me in, but I began to feel more and more uncomfortable, especially when Jasper rode on ahead, leaving me with her. I kept wondering if he simply hadn't noticed how awkward I had become again or if he thought more time would have me getting along with Beth as easily as I did with him, but whatever the reason, I couldn't wait to get back to the ranch and escape to the cabin.
By the time the buildings came into sight, Jasper had dropped back to join us again and it was me who rode on ahead, more comfortable with trotting now. Jasper and Beth followed a little way behind, but I knew they were talking about me, catching odd words above the sound of Harriet's hooves pounding the hard ground beneath me.
"...he's so shy..."
"...I'm not sure if he likes me or not..."
"...maybe at the dance..."
My face burned under my hat and I halted Harriet outside the barn, sprang confidently from the saddle and led her to her stall. By the time Jasper appeared leading the other two horses, I was unstrapping Harriet's saddle.
"Hey." Jasper tied the two animals to the post and leaned against it. "Are you ok?"
"Fine."
"No, you're not, Edward. You're like you were when you first got here."
"I just...I'm fine, don't worry about me," I muttered, hoisting the saddle onto the bracket on the wall that usually held it.
"Don't you like Beth? Not your type?"
"I'm just no good at talking to girls."
"She's real nice and she likes you."
"Look, I didn't come here for a brief holiday romance or whatever," I snapped suddenly. "I came to ride; that's it."
"Wow...I'm sorry." Jasper took his hat off and fiddled with it, his eyes lowered and fixed on his hands and when I glanced at him, he looked about as uncomfortable as I felt. "I just thought...maybe you'd like to get to know some other people."
I stayed silent for a moment, brushing Harriet vigorously and trying to think of something else to say. I didn't want him to think I was more trouble than I was worth and that he was wasting his time trying to be my friend, but getting the words to come out was almost impossible for me.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled eventually, not looking at him. "I'm not much good at talking to people."
"You've been talking to me with no trouble," he pointed out.
"You made it easy for me when I first got here. Now with Beth riding with us...I feel kind of like...a third wheel."
"But it's you she likes."
"I know, but I don't want her to."
"Ok. Well, we can ditch her tomorrow." He grinned suddenly. "There's a really cool place a few miles away that I go to sometimes to get some peace; we could go there if you want. Take some food and make it a longer day?"
"You don't have to do that," I said, feeling my heart skip a little just the same.
"What if I want to?" He grinned now, his eyes meeting mine.
"Ok. Thank you."
I finished with Harriet and put her into her stall, then left him rubbing down Sandy and the other horse and went back to the cabin. Suddenly I couldn't wait for Saturday and even the prospect of the dance that evening didn't spoil it. I was going to get a whole day with just Jasper and I knew I was going to enjoy it.
That evening, Mom and Dad seemed surprised that I didn't make an excuse to avoid the dance. We all headed over to the small barn around eight o'clock, following the sound of music drifting across the yard. Four musicians were playing while several of the other guests had already begun dancing and I immediately spotted Jasper sitting on a hay bale with a guitar on his lap, Cassie and Frankie sitting either side of him. He grinned and nodded in my direction and then moved away from the girls and went to join the small band for the next song.
I hovered at the side of the area being used for dancing, watching the other couples moving around, Mom and Dad quickly joining them. A couple of the other boys were standing together a little distance from me, looking about as out of place as I felt and I almost wished they would talk to me so that I didn't feel quite so isolated, but they kept their distance. It was Beth who approached me a few minutes later. I noticed she was wearing a blue dress, her hair pinned up in a messy bun, her lips painted red.
"Hey, Edward. Are you going to dance with me?" she asked.
"Um..."
"Please, I really want to dance and it's my last night."
"Well...I guess I could..." I agreed reluctantly. The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself by proving to everyone that my two left feet couldn't even manage a few basic steps, but I thought maybe if I got through just one song, she would leave me alone.
"Come on, then." She slid her hand into mine and tugged me towards the middle of the group of couples. Copying the others, I slid my right arm around her waist and grasped her left hand in mine, just as the song came to an end and the next started. This was a much slower number and I noticed Jasper put his guitar down and pull Cassie into his arms as I began to shuffle awkwardly with Beth. Mercifully she didn't talk and I managed not to trip over my own feet or stamp on hers, but I was relieved when it was over just the same. I let go of her quickly and moved to a quiet corner, but she was still with me, standing much too close for comfort as we watched the others.
"I can't believe I only have one more day here," she sighed suddenly. "I'm not looking forward to going home."
"Where is home?" I asked.
"Phoenix. Where are you from, Edward?"
"Washington."
"DC?"
"No, the State."
"I wish I could stay another week. We're only just getting to know each other and I have to leave. We should make the most of tomorrow; ask Jasper if we can have a longer ride."
Obviously she didn't yet know she was going to be 'ditched' and I didn't enlighten her. The thought of spending the whole day with just him made me smile and Beth seemed to take this for encouragement, slipping her hand into mine again.
"Do you think we could keep in touch? You know, email or something?"
"I suppose."
Before I realised what she intended to do, her free hand lifted to touch my face and her lips brushed over mine. My lips parted on a gasp of shock and she kissed me again, more firmly this time. For a few agonising seconds I was rooted to the spot, not knowing whether to push her away, step backwards or go with it so that no one would think I was in any way...different. It was Beth who stepped back, her face disappointed, perhaps by my lack of response. She pulled her hand free of mine and folded her arms.
"Sorry...I thought maybe you liked me too."
"I...um...sorry..." Now I did move, taking a few steps backwards and then turning rapidly, striding towards the open door and out into the night. My heart was racing, my stomach turning over and as soon as I was out of sight of the barn I ran, fleeing back to the cabin as quickly as my legs would carry me. All I could think about was, what would Jasper think? He was enjoying spending his evening in Cassie's company and there I was, dancing with a pretty girl who clearly liked me and running away as if the devil were on my heels when she kissed me.
I slammed into the cabin, dived into my room and closed that door too, then threw myself onto the bed in the darkness, snatching my glasses off of my face and rubbing my hands over my eyes. I didn't consider myself handsome, but if Beth liked me, wouldn't other girls eventually like me too? I could imagine myself in college, constantly trying to avoid people, hiding in my room between classes, afraid to tell the truth, that I was gay and instead fighting off one girl after another. I lay there fretting, wondering if I should talk to Ben about it, but then dismissing the idea. I didn't want to admit how I felt even to him, for fear he thought I was a complete fool. Instead I remained alone, eyes closed, now beginning to worry about the next day instead of looking forward to it. What if Jasper thought I was weird? I'd tried to tell him I didn't want a casual involvement, but he was sure to ask me what happened and why I ran away.
I went over and over it in my mind and only succeeded in working myself up into a worse state that when we'd first arrived at the ranch and I'd been panicking about the prospect of anyone trying to talk to me. Eventually, however, I must have fallen asleep and when I opened my eyes it was daylight and I was still wearing my clothes, including my boots.
"Edward?" Mom tapped on the door and waited a moment before opening it. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"
"Fine, thanks."
"You're still dressed."
"I was just really tired last night," I said.
"Are you sure nothing upset you? One minute you were dancing with that blonde girl, Beth, and then suddenly you were gone."
"I'm fine," I repeated, sitting up reluctantly. "I'll take a shower."
Mom didn't press me any further and I showered and dressed in fresh clothes, hunger dissuading me from making an excuse to miss breakfast. I would have to sit next to either Beth or Jasper and neither one filled me with delight just then. They were probably already there talking about me, wondering why I fled. However, when we reached the house, everyone was already seated and Beth had moved to a place further down the table with her parents, leaving only one empty seat beside me, which Jasper took when he had finished carrying dishes of bacon and eggs from the stove. He smiled and nodded at me, but didn't speak until after the meal when everyone began arranging what they would do that day.
"Marcie packed up sandwiches and some cake to take with us," he said then. "If you're still up for a long ride?"
"Sure," I agreed at once. I followed him to the barn, nervous and tongue-tied again as I feared he would bring up the subject of Beth, but he said nothing about it, only talking about this favourite place of his where there was a small lake that he bathed in sometimes and shelter from the sun in the form of a small cluster of trees. Within about thirty minutes we were mounted up and heading out towards the north. I began to relax as Jasper told me that a number of the guests would be leaving the next day and two large parties of new ones were coming in on Monday.
"One of them is a bunch of guys on a bachelor excursion," he said. "The other's a big family, but they're all reasonably experienced riders. You know, you're doing pretty good yourself; you look comfortable in the saddle now."
"Thanks. I feel better; at least I'm not hanging onto the saddle horn for dear life."
"So, can we talk about what happened the last couple of days?" he asked then and my heart sank. I glanced at him from beneath the brim of my hat and noticed he was facing straight ahead, avoiding looking at me.
"What do you mean?"
"I know what you said, about not wanting a romance or whatever and not being able to talk to girls. But...I don't know, you ran away from the dance last night like someone was out to get you. You could have just told Beth you weren't interested."
"I didn't know what to say."
"She's probably really embarrassed about it; she barely spoke to anyone this morning."
"I'm sorry!"
"Edward, you don't have to say sorry to me, I just wish you'd talk to me, that's all."
"I don't really know you," I muttered. I could feel my face flaming and I ducked my head lower until my chin touched my chest.
"Well, I thought we were getting to know each other. You can trust me, you know; I don't gossip."
"I don't want to talk about it," I said desperately.
"Edward..."
He wasn't going to drop it. I didn't know whether to flee or tell him to butt out or try to laugh it off. My fist was clenched tightly on the reins and Harriet skipped beneath me in response to me yanking on her mouth. I gripped the saddle horn with the other hand.
"Ed..."
"I'm gay!" I shouted suddenly. "So now you know!"
Jasper's head spun towards me and his mouth dropped open. I didn't wait to hear what he would say to me, guessing it wouldn't be pleasant. Out of everything that could have come out of my mouth, I hadn't expected it to be the truth and I was mortified. I dug my heels hard into Harriet's sides and loosened the reins and she sprang forward, almost unseating me. My hat flew backwards from my head, saved only by the strings around my neck and I clung on tightly to the saddle, realising that I was galloping for the first time.
"Edward!" Jasper shouted from behind me, but I ignored him.
"Please leave me alone," I whispered. "God, why did I say that? Now he's going to hate me; probably avoid me. Fuck. Fuck!"
Harriet raced through the short grass, passing a number of scrubby bushes and then suddenly, time almost seemed to stop. I saw a movement to the left, a hare darting from the cover of one bush and crossing our path. The horse slowed almost from a gallop to a standstill in just a few strides and her front legs came up in alarm until she was balanced on the rear ones. Then I was falling, the dusty ground rushing up to meet me. I landed on my back, my glasses flying off, my breath sucked out of me by the impact and I lay there, gasping frantically, my eyes stinging with tears of shock and embarrassment.
"Edward!" Jasper's voice came to me above the sound of Sandy's pounding hooves and I looked up to see the golden horse racing at full speed towards me. She looked huge and I folded my arms over my head, convinced I would be trampled. Then suddenly the sound stopped and I opened my eyes to see Jasper kneeling on the ground beside me, his face filled with worry.
"Are you hurt? Did you hit your head? Shit, your parents will kill me!"
"I'm...ok..." I panted.
"Don't move," he instructed and I lay still while he patted up and down my arms and legs, no doubt feeling for breaks.
"I'm ok," I repeated. "Just...winded."
"Can you sit up?"
"Uh...yeah..." I pushed myself up, my arms shaking slightly, eyes lowered.
"Why'd you run off like that, huh? You could have been hurt."
"I thought...what I told you...I mean...look, if you don't want to spend any more time with me...it's ok," I said miserably.
"Edward, look at me," he said.
I continued to stare at the ground between my knees while the fact that his voice was kind and concerned rather than shocked and repulsed slowly filtered into my head. I looked up and met warm grey-green eyes. White teeth flashed in a broad smile.
"I'm gay too," he said simply.
